This is you:
Step One: Look inside it.
Step Two: Stick my arm in it, towards the crushing sounds. This can only be good.
2. Oh, check out that key, that fuckin' key, behind that grate on the third floor of the apartment building, within plank distance. I'LL STICK MY GOD DAMN ARM IN THERE AFTER THAT, IN THIS HOUSE FULL OF ZOMBIES ON THE FLOOR AND QUIET LEG MONSTERS. I am a moron from the planet Moron.
3. Something good inside the toilet bowl!? Yeah, this is definitely a job for my bare hands.
4. Alright, yes. I'm gonna whack a zombie with this plank. First thing to do though is to put the plank clear behind me, waaaaay out of the picture, so that I may use my face to deflect attacks and push my target around. Also, I get hardly no control or torque or anything good this way. Super. Where's my fucking PhD?
5. Nurses!? With pipes!? Shit, I better hit my moronic girlfriend (who always walks into nurses) with my plank after I miss a nurse! That'll ensure my god damn victory. I am dumb as a shoebox of cougar piss.