Asexuality

[AgnosticPope]

Nyarlathotep:

Since you've never had a sexual experience, it's hard to say one is asexual.

A friend of mine had absolutely no libido until he experimented (with himself) and upon doing so, an entirely new class of experiences and feelings opened. As another data point, one of my friends in college had never experienced anything either, and even had the same repulsion to it as being gross. Her boyfriend, introduced her to the activity, and she's also very happy with it.

From reading your posts, it seems like you very much fear the social aspect of pressure (which has been the cause of many of my least pleasurable experiences). So if you were interested in "trying it", I'd humbly suggest doing so by yourself. I also find drinking to help quell my internal grossness meter so if you find yourself repulsed, that may help.

There are people who don't enjoy sex, just like there's people who don't enjoy eating, but it's at least worth trying before.

[AtomicLlama]

I don't know if this is helpful/useful/linked to reality or not, but I tend to think of sexuality in terms of a two-axis scale, where homo/heterosexuality (i.e. level of attraction to the same/opposite gender) is on one axis, and level of interest in sex is on the other. Granted, this sort of falls apart if one is completely asexual, because it would be difficult to place oneself anywhere on the homo/hetero axis. It also doesn't work well when considering people who are transgendered, but it is one way to think about it anyway.

[mqarcus]

I don't know if this is helpful/useful/linked to reality or not, but I tend to think of sexuality in terms of a two-axis scale, where homo/heterosexuality (i.e. level of attraction to the same/opposite gender) is on one axis, and level of interest in sex is on the other. Granted, this sort of falls apart if one is completely asexual, because it would be difficult to place oneself anywhere on the homo/hetero axis. It also doesn't work well when considering people who are transgendered, but it is one way to think about it anyway.

Very interesting approach. I will probably draw a graph of it.

No, really.

[TigerX]

[...] Some asexuals who realize wait, they actually do like having sex, just not a lot of it and they don't think about it very much, just say that they have low libidos. *shrug* It's not like you can't change your "category".

Just to piggy-back on this notion here...

DISCLAIMER: I tell this story only to provide my own experience. I'm not seeking to show this to be analogous to anyone else's situation.

For the longest time (the years spanning Jr High to my Sophomore year in college), I self-identified as asexual. In my own parlance, it meant that I simply wasn't sexually attracted to anyone. I told a few of my friends this and got weird looks, but I think for the most part they understood what I meant when I said it.

The thing is that I was/am gay as well. I had a boyfriend who I had to leave behind after a move to a different state. I suppose that the sense of loss of that relationship never really hit me entirely. Looking back, I think that I simply disengaged from being sexual in the hopes that my love and I could be together again some day.

But that came to a rather tragic end last October when my previous boyfriend killed himself. That notion of being together again came crashing down on top of my head and I wasn't really sure how to deal with the feelings entirely, so I didn't. For the next six months, I just kinda floated in a blah state. It wasn't until the end of the Spring Semester that I realized the reason why I had disengaged and that I felt compelled to try the relationship game again.

And yet, still the sex doesn't much interest me all that much. Sure there's an academic curiosity about what the big deal is, but that's really about it at present. I would much rather just sit with my partner for hours (making out from time to time) and really just be together.

Now, if only the guy I really would like to do that with would get over the roommate that he dumped me for... :-D

[WhiteRabbit]

I tend to think of sexuality in terms of a two-axis scale

A friend of mine did something like this, but in a polar system. The homo/hetero scale was theta and libido was rho. I liked it.

[blob]

Yeah, it's kind of...I don't know, gross too. Like I don't know how to explain it, but it's fundamentally wrong.

English comes from Germanic languages, in which there are three types; male, female, and object. To an English-speaker, there's a significant difference between a female and an object, and so for someone to willingly take that leap downward seems... wrong.

Only in English. In German itself, Tafel (table) is feminine while Mädchen (girl) is neuter. So in German, er (he), sie (she) and es (it) differ only in gender, not in level of objectification.

[Goplat]

I tend to think of sexuality in terms of a two-axis scale

A friend of mine did something like this, but in a polar system. The homo/hetero scale was theta and libido was rho. I liked it.

Wouldn't that put complete homosexuality and complete heterosexuality right on top of each other? +pi and -pi look the same on a polar graph.

[xyzzy]

I don't know if this is helpful/useful/linked to reality or not, but I tend to think of sexuality in terms of a two-axis scale, where homo/heterosexuality (i.e. level of attraction to the same/opposite gender) is on one axis, and level of interest in sex is on the other. Granted, this sort of falls apart if one is completely asexual, because it would be difficult to place oneself anywhere on the homo/hetero axis. It also doesn't work well when considering people who are transgendered, but it is one way to think about it anyway.

You're thinking too narrowly. Presume a two-axis scale. The x axis marks libido, the y axis attraction. So 1,1 is straight, 1,-1 is gay, 1,0 is bi, and 0,x is asexual. What you've forgotten is that asexuals don't necessarily feel no attraction to people in a romantic way, they just have no desire for sex. Therefore 0,1 is asexual straight, someone who dates partners of the opposite gender, but feels no sexual attraction (like me), while 0,-1 is asexual gay, 0,0 asexual bi, and so on.

Does this make sense?

[mqarcus]

Ir does to me.

[zenten]

You're thinking too narrowly. Presume a two-axis scale. The x axis marks libido, the y axis attraction. So 1,1 is straight, 1,-1 is gay, 1,0 is bi, and 0,x is asexual. What you've forgotten is that asexuals don't necessarily feel no attraction to people in a romantic way, they just have no desire for sex. Therefore 0,1 is asexual straight, someone who dates partners of the opposite gender, but feels no sexual attraction (like me), while 0,-1 is asexual gay, 0,0 asexual bi, and so on.

How do you represent someone who has no romantic or sexual interest in anyone? How about someone with a sex drive, but is not the least bit interested in anyone (and just masturbates)?

[Dibley]

I don't know if this is helpful/useful/linked to reality or not, but I tend to think of sexuality in terms of a two-axis scale, where homo/heterosexuality (i.e. level of attraction to the same/opposite gender) is on one axis, and level of interest in sex is on the other. Granted, this sort of falls apart if one is completely asexual, because it would be difficult to place oneself anywhere on the homo/hetero axis. It also doesn't work well when considering people who are transgendered, but it is one way to think about it anyway.

You could represent it as a triangular graph, with one of the vertices representing full libido/full homo, another representing full libido/full hetero, and the remaining vertex as full asexual. The homo/hetero axis would narrow as you approach asexuality.

Wait, that's the same thing as a polar scale isn't it. Damn, now I feel stupid.

[ks_physicist]

When I had read a little, but not much, about Newton, I thought perhaps he was a closeted homosexual. No adult relationships with females, general apparent disdain for women...

Reading further into it, he conciously avoided "wasting" his energy on such pursuits (women and sex, or general debauchery) and used a unique method to help him avoid temptation. Constant, draining, mental work.

So by channeling his sexual frustration, he gave us calculus, physics, optics, and a significant chunk of religious study.


Looking back on college, if I make a short list of the factors that led to any poor grade, a woman, or women, or sex appears on that list quite prominently. Makes me wonder what I might have done if I had Newton's conviction...


...naah, not worth it.

[xyzzy]

You're thinking too narrowly. Presume a two-axis scale. The x axis marks libido, the y axis attraction. So 1,1 is straight, 1,-1 is gay, 1,0 is bi, and 0,x is asexual. What you've forgotten is that asexuals don't necessarily feel no attraction to people in a romantic way, they just have no desire for sex. Therefore 0,1 is asexual straight, someone who dates partners of the opposite gender, but feels no sexual attraction (like me), while 0,-1 is asexual gay, 0,0 asexual bi, and so on.

How do you represent someone who has no romantic or sexual interest in anyone? How about someone with a sex drive, but is not the least bit interested in anyone (and just masturbates)?

0,i and 1,i, respectively

More seriously, you'd need a third axis. I need to think about this a bit more.

[AtomicLlama]

How about someone with a sex drive, but is not the least bit interested in anyone (and just masturbates)

I have a friend who is sort of like that. He's into straight porn, but not real girls or guys.

[Jauss]

I don't know if this is helpful/useful/linked to reality or not, but I tend to think of sexuality in terms of a two-axis scale, where homo/heterosexuality (i.e. level of attraction to the same/opposite gender) is on one axis, and level of interest in sex is on the other. Granted, this sort of falls apart if one is completely asexual, because it would be difficult to place oneself anywhere on the homo/hetero axis.It also doesn't work well when considering people who are transgendered, but it is one way to think about it anyway.

That's what Gender Gumbys are for! You can add another line for amount of sexual interest (or other things not listed) too. Connect the dots, it's fun!

And remember to do it over a drawing of Gumby.

[Barton]

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[DarkKnight045]

Celibate, because apart from having no urges, I feel strong disgust towards the subject of sex, as observing various forms of hedonistic degradation to which it oftentimes leads cannot create any other reaction in a thinking person.

I don't think the point of this thread is "I'm smarter than you, because I abstain from propogating my species. I especially don't enjoy the reason I exist today and find everyone who does stupid."

You're free to belive what you will but I can't help but feel like that was just a wee bit of flame bait.

Moving On:

I would place myself decidedly in the Hetero track, with a libido that resembles an erratic sine wave. I don't consistently want sex, in fact somedays I'd rather do anything but. On the other hand I have days where it consumes my thoughts and makes it impossible to get anything done. I have met several people who would rather go without, and I can understand where they come from even if I don't want to join them.

[Hammer]

... but I can't help but feel like that was just a wee bit of flame bait.

I agree.
@Barton: Please check your tone. That sort of thing doesn't go over well around here. You can express your disgust without putting down everyone who does not share it.
@Everyone else: Try not to take the bait.

[Barton]

.

[existential_elevator]

I always have trouble to classify myself in terms of sexuality, but I guess I should admit I generally align with asexual.

I don't especially have any contempt for sex, I'm just not all that interested. Sex-neutral, I suppose. I'm happy to oblige a parter appropriately [and remember, as a courtesy to occasionally reciprocate interest], but I partially see the whole thing as a bit of a futile effort. Not that it's impossible to enjoy, it's just not especially, well, special.

The other thing that drags me out a bit is that I'm emotionally attracted to men, but probably more physically attracted to women. [When I say "more", I generally mean that I find it a lot easier to appreciate a woman's beauty to a man's, but not often strongly enough to appreciate it on a sexual level].

On the whole, this has led me to having a fair few slighly messy parts in my love life. But overall, what I would say is, regardless of anything, I do seek companionship. I need people close to me, and if that means playing relationships with someone I care about, it's all good, and I'm happy to fulfil their needs. Love, and emotional attraction, are really what counts well above my sex drive, or lack thereof.

[Kendo_Bunny]

I identified as asexual from 12 to almost 20. I have since re-described myself as sexually focused. There is one person I am sexually attracted to and it's because I love him so much as a person. Our sex life is very fulfilling for me, to such a point that I don't even need anything more than him talking to be satisfied. Honestly, I don't know if I would ever be sexually attracted to another person if things fell through for us, or if I just love so completely that my sensitivity levels shoot through the roof for the one person that I love.

I'd say just identify the way that makes you happiest. You may decide to experiment with sex and find you enjoy it, or you may not. You may also find out that you're sexually focused- I have no idea if I'm the only cat of my kind and I don't want to ask at AVEN.

[existential_elevator]

kendo_bunny, you sound very much like me. I say we start our own sexual orientation.

[Kendo_Bunny]

That's fine by me. I'm tired of trying to explain exactly what my orientation is- I get asked a lot, because I'm not attracted to Johnny Depp

[Herman]

When I had read a little, but not much, about Newton, I thought perhaps he was a closeted homosexual. No adult relationships with females, general apparent disdain for women...

Reading further into it, he conciously avoided "wasting" his energy on such pursuits (women and sex, or general debauchery) and used a unique method to help him avoid temptation. Constant, draining, mental work.

Knowing that, it's even more ironic that Newton wasted a ton of energy on alchemy and extracting scientific information from the Bible and stuff like that. He could've had a "normal" life, and still create modern science, had he only not gotten sucked in by pseudoscience. But I guess hindsight's 20/20 -- it probably wasn't even clear at the time what was pseudoscience and what wasn't.

On Asexuality:

Honestly, I think I envy asexual people. It seems like a superpower, like not ever getting cold or not having to breathe or something.

[afarnen]

When someone asks me about my sexual orientation, I don't really give them an answer. It's none of their business, really. And I don't like to give in to people who would think differently of me for those reasons. For instance, if someone asks me if I'm homosexual, I might say "What if I was?", or "Would it matter?"

[Kachi]

I'm very hetero, but I've been celibate for several years now. Personally I don't care for all of the messy complications that come with having sex with someone that you don't really know and like. I'm also content enough to fire up the old porn machine (which sometimes doubles as a conversational tool on xkcd) and abort a few knuckle children.

But if I didn't find porn and my own hands that gratifying, who knows. I'm just glad that I don't find myself in sticky situations (I use paper towels, lil pun) where I would be tempted lately. I find that when I'm not tempted by a living, breathing woman, I don't really even miss it.

*also to clarify on the paper towels, I know many people use tissues, but I prefer my sperm bib, thanks.

[i.t.homp]

just so you're clear. asexuality is the ability to reproduce with yourself. it is not not feeling sexual excitement or anything of that sort. scientifically asexuality is is reproducing with yourself. nor does it mean you only masturbate

[Kendo_Bunny]

i.t.homp: It's a sexual orientation (or non-orientation as it were) as well. There's the biological definition and there's the sexual definition.

Look it up, it's the accepted term for complete lack of capacity for sexual attraction or for completely absent sex drive.

[MrEff]

To me, saying you don't want sex is like saying you never get hungry. How do you pull that off??

I think a lot of asexuality is the result of fear, just like anorexia. Even being completely straight and normal, sex can be awkward and painful unless you find just the right person.

Another problem is women who think sex is no fun because they've never had a good partner. I like family guy's description of the clitoris as "nature's rubix cube".

I can solve rubix cubes though

[Kendo_Bunny]

Some people just don't have sex drives, and it's rather insulting to say that it's all a result of fear or bad sex in the past. Also, anorexia is not always based on fear- that's a common misunderstanding. Lots of eating disorders are control issues. I know, considering that both my stepsister and I had eating disorders- anorexia and bulimia respectively. Neither one of us was doing it out of a fear of being overweight (and if I had, boy would I have shot myself in the foot. I gained about 90 lbs. between my completely crashed metabolism and my total lack of energy).

The only partner I've had, I've never been anything but totally satisfied with. I love him immensely and anything in the bedroom is beyond fantastic. I still don't feel any drive towards any other male, and I have no drive if I'm not thinking about him.

I suggest you research asexuality more carefully. There are some asexuals who have no sex drive because they had a traumatic sexual experience in the past, there are some asexuals who were simply born without a sex drive.

[Ceorle]

Asexuality can be a pretty hard debate to have, since some of the more knowledgable people could be hard-pressed to explain an emotional response they don't have. Or at least I'm not sure I can do it very well...

I've identified as asexual for a few years, am now 19, and I might be slowly attaining a libido. For me, it probably has something to do with a subconscious hang-up, a kind which some people would love to ascribe all instances of asexuality to. It's part of a bigger problem and I didn't mind being a- until recently, but since I'm overthinking everything and sex seems, at its core, simple, I've been thinking more about it. I've never been repulsed by sex, from what I remember, but I was weirded out at around fourteen when people started to talk about masturbating, and I'd just never tried or wanted to do it (still haven't). I probably should, but it really isn't very easy. Also, I really like sex jokes, since it's like the world's biggest Monty Python joke, people building their lives on this weird thing, and friggin' everyone is in on it.

I don't really know much about my sexuality, since I've had little emotional incentive to explore it, and even when I get aroused I'm not really compelled to act in any way.

[Bruce]

I think a lot of asexuality is the result of fear, just like anorexia. Even being completely straight and normal, sex can be awkward and painful unless you find just the right person.

I think a lot of people who do not understand the situation want to provide their 2c anyway. For me I wanted to try sex. And I don't find it bad it is just... I have better things to do. Like read a book or go for a walk.

[Pyrotix]

I thought I was possibly asexual for a while to be honest. Then I actually was able to masterbate.

I just realized the instead my... er... tool requires much stimulation.

But seriously, sex/sexuality isn't something hugely important, but its part of the spice of life. Even outside of sex it can charge male/female interactions (at least for myself, others belong to a different persuasion) and can just seems to make things more interesting.

[Jessica]

As someone who had a high sex drive nearly disappear over night when I started taking anti-androgens, I can say I understand how some people could have no sex drive, for no reason other than they just don't want to have sex, or have a very low sex drive. I don't fear sex. I know how to pleasure myself. I used to masturbate daily, if not more. Then It dropped to less than once a week. It's not that I started hating sex. I just didn't have the drive.

It's coming back now, because I know I had it before, so I'm compensating in my own mind.

[MrEff]

Some people just don't have sex drives, and it's rather insulting to say that it's all a result of fear or bad sex in the past. Also, anorexia is not always based on fear- that's a common misunderstanding. Lots of eating disorders are control issues. I know, considering that both my stepsister and I had eating disorders- anorexia and bulimia respectively. Neither one of us was doing it out of a fear of being overweight (and if I had, boy would I have shot myself in the foot. I gained about 90 lbs. between my completely crashed metabolism and my total lack of energy).

The only partner I've had, I've never been anything but totally satisfied with. I love him immensely and anything in the bedroom is beyond fantastic. I still don't feel any drive towards any other male, and I have no drive if I'm not thinking about him.

I suggest you research asexuality more carefully. There are some asexuals who have no sex drive because they had a traumatic sexual experience in the past, there are some asexuals who were simply born without a sex drive.

You're right that I never did any research. I just know that talking to pretty girls still scares me stiff no matter how much I like them, and I supposed that you might feel the same, and that it would be very easy for someone to give up and convince himself that he never wanted it anyway.

As for anorexia, it would trivialize the human mind to say that any disease has just one cause. I don't think most diseases have anything we could say is the 'cause'. But I know from a reputable source that most anorexics show a fear response when forced to eat; maybe she wasn't afraid of being overweight, maybe she was afraid of losing control, although I don't see what that has to do with food.

You can feel insulted and ostracized if you want, but I'm just trying to imagine a circumstance where I could feel the same way as you.

[Kendo_Bunny]

I was just pointing out that it is kind of insulting to suggest that the only reason people could not want sex is because they're afraid of it. It would be kind of like saying that the only reason you like girls is because you're afraid of being gay.

I'm a girl, so I am traditionally the one getting asked out, and while I did have a traumatic incident in my past, I had already started identifying as asexual before it. Actually, I was probably bullied and harassed worse than I would have been if I hadn't claimed asexuality. Lots of guys would say that they were going to 'fix' me. The answer to that? I've had three boyfriends and been on singular dates with three other guys. I've been sexually attracted to one of the six, and I wasn't sexually attracted to him until I knew him well. I love his mind, so I want to share our bodies- which is why I now identify as 'sexually focused' instead of asexual.

As for anorexia- the control thing is, when every other part of your life is spiralling out of control, what's the one thing you can control? Your own body. You can choose to put nothing into your body, to punish yourself for not being in control of the rest of your life. You can choose to exercise yourself almost to death, or to starve yourself into a practically catatonic state. What's more, other people can't make you do what you don't want to unless they put you in a hospital. Many people won't take that step, so the person with the eating disorder is safe to continue abusing their bodies as much as they want.

Obviously, every eating disorder is different, and I'm most familiar with control related disorders, as that's what I had, what my stepsister had, and what most of the fellow survivors I've talked to had. Some people, it's the fear of being overweight or undesirable or less than perfect, of course. Sexuality is that way too- there are some asexuals who are asexual because of trauma or fear. Plenty- probably most- are just naturally that way. It doesn't become a convincing yourself you don't want it- that's more common of involuntary celibates than self-proclaimed asexuals.

[MrEff]

Lots of guys would say that they were going to 'fix' me.

This reminds me of my friends who constantly try to get me to try coffee, which I never do because I suspect that if I ever got over my initial distaste, I would become completely dependent on it. They got me to try beer though, which I now find amazing, and I'm glad they pressured me to do it. Except when they buy PBR.

My point is that sex can be an acquired taste. Doo eeeeeet.

[Kendo_Bunny]

Finding out you enjoy a certain beverage is way different than sharing your body with another human being. No one ever got pregnant or caught an STD from coffee, although beer has definitely contributed to thinking that someone loved you when they really didn't.

[Pyrotix]

Sex has always seemed to be one of those in things in the category of "awesome things that can be fun and enrich life but can also fuck you up"

With sex you carry the risk of STD's and pregnancy and occasionally horrible drama.

Other things in that category like drugs and alcohol are similar-- they can provide an escape and perspective and interesting times but also carry threats of dependence and health risks. I guess as always its a process of cost-benefit analysis and taking the proper precautions.

[Vanguard]

Holy crap. I've called myself Asexual for years but never knew it was a real line of thought.

In many forums there is some variant of "Are you a Virgin" thread, and I reply with some variant of "Yes, and you can keep your STD's, Babies, and Drama, thanks."

HOWEVER, while I am basically attracted to women, I purposely don't act on it. Does that make me an avoidant hetero or asexual?