I Shouldn't Have To Say This

[Mighty Jalapeno]

Some are for kids, some are for co-workers... guess which is which!

• Don't roundhouse kick your sister in the head.
• Don't hug the television.
• We don't use powerdrills in the bathroom.
• Bacon is not a drink.
• I need a working monitor to send stuff to the printer.
• I can't come in to the office. I'm not in your time zone.
• I can't get you a coffee. I don't work here. (at a coffee shop)

I've got a million of these, and can I remember them when I start this thread? Nooooooo......

What are things you just shouldn't have to say... but did.

[Chfan]

[*]Bacon is not a drink.

I do not doubt the veracity of this statement, but others probably will.

[pseudoidiot]

I laughed. A lot. This is my current favorite thread.

[guyy]

Hey, perfect timing; after today, I have good reason to remind my little brother's friend not to kick soccer balls through our windows.

Soccer ball + high velocity + window = roomful of glass. And there wasn't much left of the window.

[Walter.Horvath]

Spending 14 hours a day playing a passive game online doesn't make you an addict that constricts your brothers browsing time, it makes you a douche.

[lulzfish]

"That way" is not a direction, especially when I'm driving and trying to watch the road, not your hands.

Also, "here" is not a location to turn.
"$STREET_NAME" IS a location.
"The next stop sign" IS a location.
"Where that grey car is" IS a location to turn.

"here" does not mean anything. I'm going 30 MPH, "here" is fucking 20 feet behind me by the time I even hear it.

Also, I cannot see which car you're pointing at. Your finger is NOT a laser pointer, all I see is a number of cars and your hand pointing kinda towards any of them.

[Mighty Jalapeno]

"Please don't say 'turn left right here' while pointing to the right."
"Please don't say 'turn left at the next light' when the next light is a no-left-turn light."
"Please don't drink five beer while I'm driving on the highway."
"Did you just try to fight the sidewalk?"
"You ate your cigarettes."
"She wasn't Asian."

[Gojoe]

Speaking of that last one. When I brought my girl friend to the states, she could not tell the difference between a Mexican, a very tanned person, and a bum... She decided the best way to tell is if they were on a bike they were likely mexican...

[GoodRudeFun]

"maybe you shouldn't get wasted before we have to carry a large glass top desk...."


it made it to the living room, but I nearly had at least five heart attacks.

[SummerGlauFan]

"No, I can't work for you. I'm on vacation in another state."

[Pit]

"You have to press the power button to turn on the computer."

That one was to my boss.

"You have to press the 'on' button to turn on the coffee maker."

That one was to my mother.

[lulzfish]

"If you don't return a value, I'll take the liberty of returning random stack garbage and totally fucking the next function up the stack"

This is something that C++ has never said to me, and it's always been the one thing I almost forget to check for. Maybe there's an extra warning flag I can enable somewhere.

[SummerGlauFan]

"Guys, picking up a log and running it into a tree is NOT a good way to break it."

To two of my friends, during a camping trip. Both before and (unfortunate though hilarious it was) after they tried it.

[Zohar]

"You seriously think homosexuals and sick and twisted?" to a coworker several months ago. His reply was yes. That was a fun day.

[GoodRudeFun]

"You seriously think homosexuals and sick and twisted?" to a coworker several months ago. His reply was yes. That was a fun day.

When you said fun day, I was hoping for a second that you punched him in the gut or something. then I realized that wouldn't be appropriate.

So, to me: "Punching people for being stupid is not appropriate" >.<

[Zohar]

"You seriously think homosexuals and sick and twisted?" to a coworker several months ago. His reply was yes. That was a fun day.

When you said fun day, I was hoping for a second that you punched him in the gut or something. then I realized that wouldn't be appropriate.

So, to me: "Punching people for being stupid is not appropriate" >.<

Nah, I mostly told him we don't have much to talk about anymore. Unfortunately I have to work with him from time to time, but I keep niceties to a bare minimum.

[GoodRudeFun]

He doesn't try to bring it up, or attack you (verbally)? I guess he can't really say anything if you don't give him the chance.

New one for the thread: "No, the cops are NOT watching us, please stop freaking out" >.<

[OBrien]

I have a friend called Dan who is, most of the time, one of the most fantastical fun to be with and generally awesome people ever. Unfortunately, the 5% or so of the time he's not like this, he's the worlds biggest douche. Theses are all to him during his douche-ie periods:

• When you do a favour for a friend, it shouldn't be just so you can call in that favour at a later date. With an acquaintance, that's kinda acceptable, but with a friend you should use it as a convincer, at most. Yes, they should pay you back, but it should be at their conveniance
• If I say "I'm doing the washing up right now, I'll call you back in five minutes when I'm done" and I don't call back in five minutes, it means I'm still doing the bloody washing up, seriously don't ring me the exact second five minuites are up and act all indignant saying "I thought you said you'd call me back?"
• If I tell you I like a girl and say "I'm going to ask her out, but I don't know if I'll have the bottle* to do it tonight", and you say "You should do it dude" and I do end up asking her out that night, I don't owe you anything. You did NOT paly matchmaker, you did NOT convince me I can do it, I did all that myself, all you did was agree with me and say you'd buy me a drink to help me out, then never did. Also on the note of relationships:
• When you're talking to someone who's been single for over a year, has self-confidence issues and takes relationships very seriously, it's really not appropriate to constantly complain that you haven't been laid in a month /a week / three days. Seriously dude, shut the hell up.
• Don't throw a hissy-fit because I sat on "your" sofa when you left the room for five minutes. I've been sitting on the floor for two hours, just because you wanted to lay down and I've left enough room for you to sit. I think you can stand to have a stint sitting on the fucking thing.
• Believe it or not, you are not the only one who has bad things happening to them, and you're problems usually pale in comparison to the person you're complaining to.
• Just because I do Maths, I'm your friend and I helped you out a couple of times, it doesn't mean I have to do every single part of your Masters course in Computer Sciences that gets more complicated than 2+2 for you.
• If I told you I'm in London or France from this date to that date, it means I will NOT be out in Birmingham for such and such a night out. No, don't get all arsey, it's not as if I don't WANT to come, it's that I can't. No, I told you I'm going away about five times. Also:
• If I'm in London, it's for the same reasons as you; because I want to see my family and friends from home. Don't get offended when I'd rather spend a night at my brothers then going to visit you and your family.
• When you are invited to someone's house, it does NOT mean you are entitled to whatever alcohol the host has. If it's just you and them and they have a drink, then that's fine, but even in that case you ASK. When you demand or, worse still, just take the beer / wine / Irish cream I've been drinking, it just makes me want to kick you in the face.
• You don't like it when other people use your computer without asking, right? Well, the same goes for most people. And:
• "You were out of the room, so I couldn't ask" is NOT an acceptable excuse. If you want to do something with my stuff / in my house and I'm not there to ask, DON'T FUCKING DO IT. If you really want to do it that much, you can wait until I get back to ask.
• When considering mocking someone who you know is feeling quite down and has low self-esteem to begin with, don't. "But it would be really funny" is not a good reason.
• One last thing: Don't get pissed off when I point any of these things out; they are obvious and you doing them annoys me much more than me telling you not to do them should.

*Huh, just realised where that expression comes from. Awesome!

EDIT: Alternatly, I could have posted this in the Rant Thread

[TaintedDeity]

"No, strange old man, I cannot buy you cigarettes. I am only 14."
What a strange old man.

[Nith Azra]

"No, we are not getting married, we are both straight guys, and this country doesn't allow same-sex marriages."

"No, we also aren't robbing a bank- this is a church"

This was in response to the two questions: Are you getting married? and Oh, are you robbing a bank?.
The wierd man who asked this then went on to ask us if we smoked....

[kapojinha]

"That way" is not a direction, especially when I'm driving and trying to watch the road, not your hands.

When asked which way to go, "Uhh, you know that bridge on the way to school? Yeah, that's not the one we take." is not very helpful. Especially considering how many bridges there are "on the way to school".

[Aetia]

-Iced cappuccinos do not exist. Similarly, iced lattes don't have foam on top.
-Yes, I am old enough to work here. Not everyone who looks young is actually as young as they look.
- If you start out a sentence with, "I shouldn't be telling you this, but..." don't tell me!
-You probably shouldn't let someone move in with you if you're worried about them hitting on your significant other and they make you feel bad about yourself.

[apeman5291]

Just a couple:

"The Coke cans aren't for juggling."
"If you send 50 MB worth of attachments in one email, it might take a while to get there."
"No, Jimi Hendrix was a musician."

[Angua]

If you want to keep something a secret, don't, when someone asks what you've been up to, say, "I can't tell you, it's a secret" as you're just going to end up telling anyway.

If you do have a secret and don't want to tell a friend because it's personal about you're SO don't keep telling that friend that other people know and joking about how that friend doesn't know, because it makes your friend feel left out and horrible, even if they are too good natured to press to find out what this personal secret is.

[Link]

"If you don't return a value, I'll take the liberty of returning random stack garbage and totally fucking the next function up the stack"

This is something that C++ has never said to me, and it's always been the one thing I almost forget to check for. Maybe there's an extra warning flag I can enable somewhere.

I'm fairly certain '-Wall -Wextra -Werror -pedantic-errors' catches things like those. Always a good idea to use those flags for QA.

And of course, add '-O0 -g -fno-omit-frame-pointer' and run through 'valgrind -v --leak-resolution=high --num-callers=50 --show-reachable=yes --leak-check=full' if you want to be _really_ sure you've not missed anything.

[elminster]

"0.5 times faster is not the same as 150% faster"
To a university lecturer teaching us about processor design. She made the same mistake straight after at which point I explained it again. Then she did it again, but in another way at which point I gave up.

"You have to switch it on first"
Surprising how many times I've had to say that or similar.

[Cup of Dirt]

"It's a good idea to own a broom."

"Spaghetti is not the only type of pasta."

"No, all things considered, I do think school shootings are bad."

[Gojoe]

That last one shocks me cup.

[Mighty Jalapeno]

"Macaroni and cheese is made by mixing macaroni... and cheese."

[Pit]

"No, my brother is not a girl."

[Gojoe]

Yes, the icon that says Windows updates, is indeed the... Windows update icon that I was talking about.

[Cup of Dirt]

That last one shocks me cup.

You're not the only one.

[Mighty Jalapeno]

"If you say you're so full you are going to barf, then... no, you cannot have cake and ice cream."
"No, there is not room for cake and ice cream if there isn't room for dinner."
"No, you do not have two stomachs."
"No, you really don't have two stomachs."
"Yes, I am positive you don't have two stomachs."
"Yes, we'll ask the doctor."

[Hawknc]

And that's when MJ knew it was time to look for a new job.

[Voco]

"It's a suit." In response to an incredibly inebriated homeless man's angry demand to know "What's that contraption you're wearing?" before he stumbled off in a ziz-zag pattern across five lanes of traffic(pausing briefly in the middle lane to curse at a driver who sounded his horn).

[Brooklynxman]

[*]Bacon is not a drink.

I do not doubt the veracity of this statement, but others probably will.

You can't drink bacon......yet. I am working on the problem as we speak. Humanity will rejoice.

[Gojoe]

viewtopic.php?p=1665041#p1665041
The sauce after the noodles were done was drinkable bacon.

[Brooklynxman]

http://forums.xkcd.com/viewtopic.php?p=1665041#p1665041
The sauce after the noodles were done was drinkable bacon.

You are a great great man. Thousands of years from now they will still being singing songs of you and praising your name

[Mr Jack]

If Candidate A has 50% of the vote, and Candidate B has 40% of the vote, Candidate A is not leading by 10%. They are leading by 25%, mmmkay! If you want to say 10%, you say ten percentage points, mmmkay! It isn't that difficult.

(also applies to high economics teachers)

[rubber314chicken]

If Candidate A has 50% of the vote, and Candidate B has 40% of the vote, Candidate A is not leading by 10%. They are leading by 25%, mmmkay! If you want to say 10%, you say ten percentage points, mmmkay! It isn't that difficult.

(also applies to high economics teachers)

Wouldn't you want to take the percent of the average? Which would give you 22%?


Either way, I hate percentage problems like this.