Some of these I've actually said, but in various other forms.
"Of course Xena's got worms. She was born outdoors, and her mother, a feral, has worms. Plus, I believe my mom told you Xena may have worms when you got her" - to a co-worker who adopted one of our kittens a month ago, the other day
"If she doesn't have a title in the file drawer, then we don't have the title. Don't ask me if I show a title on the status report. If she doesn't have the title, we don't have the title" - to every agent who's asked me to check the status report after going to the assistant paralegal for a parcel title, only to find she didn't have it.
"You are not excused from providing me with status updates, just because you're a contract agent vs. the salary or hourly agents. Everyone is required to provide me with weekly status updates, regardless of how much work they've done. Maybe I should let the bos know you're really not doing any work. It sure as fuck seems that way, if I'm not getting any updates from you. Maybe he'll put you on furlough and take someone who currently is off, someone who's actually doing their fucking job and providing me with weekly status updates." - To an asshole agent who makes it easier to extract teeth from a crocodile than to update my status report on all road projects we're trying to buy property for.
"Let me explain the process for the millionth time. You e-mail the counter offer letter to E. E then checks it for maths and makes sure the areas are correct. He then e-mails it to J. J checks the justification of the counter offer. Once he's satisfied, he e-mails it to me. I check it for grammar, spelling, and other little nitpicks. I then save it to the network where it's easily retrievable if needed, and then I print it out and give it to J to sign. You do not take it straight to J." - to a couple of agents who still do things the old-fashioned way when it comes to counter offer letters.
"Quit saving your fucking counter offer letters to your fucking hard drive. I have to waste precious time retyping it from scratch if I have to make corrections to any errors brought up by our paralegal." - to any agent who doesn't save it to the network drive, after having been instructed to do so 794,351,042,354 times. This happened before the above process/policy was implemented.
"I don't have time to fucking sit down to enter info in the status report as you tell it to me. Just type it up or write it up, and place it in the appropriate basket. I will enter it when I have time, and it will be done before I have to print it for J." - to a couple of agents who insist on sitting down and telling me their status updates, instead of e-mailing me or writing them up
"Do not place any shit in my chair, or on my desk in front of the keyboard. It goes in the appropriate basket, over there (point to table with five or six baskets). As you can see, each one is clearly labeled with what belongs in it." - to every agent, or anyone else in my department who insists on putting things in my chair or on my desk, especially if it needs immediate attention. It will get immediate attention if placed in the basket.
An important message for you: