Chapter 17: Wherein Being a Vampire Means That You May Ignore Physics
“And then I saw the black car, a weathered Ford, parked in Charlie's driveway — and heard Edward mutter something unintelligible in a low, harsh voice.” Somehow I get the feeling that he was muttering some nasty slur name on Native Americans and the horrified editor took it out. Then again, we have ample evidence that this book never had an editor…
“Edward's low voice was furious. "This is crossing the line."” How dare that nasty old Injun tell Charlie that Bella is going around with an undead sucker of human blood!
“"Let me deal with this," I suggested. Edward's black glare made me anxious.” Anxious that he would do what? For all that she claims to trust Edward implicitly, she sure seems awfully scared of him a lot of the time.
“I bridled a little at the word child. "Jacob is not that much younger than I am," I reminded him.
He looked at me then, his anger abruptly fading. "Oh, I know," he assured me with a grin.” Charming. In case you weren’t quite getting the creepy father-daughter vibe.
“"Soon," I stressed as I opened the door and stepped out into the rain.” This isn’t the behavior of someone in love. This is the behavior of a drug addict. As such, it is not charming and not romantic – it’s deeply disturbing. Maybe I just had my head screwed on more solidly than the average teen, but I never felt so disgustingly desperate with my first love. And he was everything that Edward is not: kind, loving, well-spoken, intelligent, interesting, and respectful.
“"No," I quickly lied, my face going hard.” You have it here, folks. Twilight encourages lying to paraplegics.
“"Charlie won't be back for a long time." My voice was almost rude.” Oh, I’m sure it was very rude. Tchah, what does this old fart know about the relative wisdom of trying to boink the eternally damned?
“"You're right," I agreed. "It is none of your business."” You know, except for that whole devouring the flesh and blood of the living thing.
“"Actually, I did know that," I informed him in a hard voice.” Between her hard voice and her hard face, Bella is a very hard person. Why is it SMeyer only uses a thesaurus when she doesn’t have to?
“He pursed his thick lips as he considered that.” *wince* Guess SMeyer never read Othello… granted, it could just be considered a piece of description, but considering that “thick lips” has been used as an insult for non-whites for over 400 years, it might be considered an eensy bit insensitive.
“"Though it would be my business, again, whether or not I think that it's Charlie's business, right?"” Well, you know, there is the whole parent thing, and it kind of is his business that his daughter is running around with the friendly neighborhood vampire.
“"Yes," he finally surrendered. "I guess that's your business, too."” Unless he drinks Charlie’s blood. Just sayin’.
“Now that I was removed from Jasper's and Edward's influence, I began to make up for not being terrified before.” Wait, what? Terrified of what?
“I gave up quickly on choosing an outfit — throwing on an old flannel shirt and jeans — knowing I would be in my raincoat all night anyway.” What? Is this about the vampire baseball or that she thinks Charlie might toss her out of the house? Also, why are they bringing Bella to play baseball at night? It’s not like she’d be able to see anything.
“Needing no more invitation than that, she launched into a minute-by-minute account of the previous night. I mmm'd and ahh'd at the right places, but it wasn't easy to concentrate.” Bella Swan, best friend ever!
“"So what did you do yesterday?" Jessica challenged, still sounding bothered by my lack of attention.” Well, yeah. That’s kind of to be expected. If your friend tells you that the boy she’s like for ages finally kissed her and you went ‘Uh-huh that’s nice’, she’d have every right to be offended.
And we continue with Small Talk: A Love Story. Blah blah, Charlie thinks Edward is Emmett and that he’s too old, Bella explains who is who, Charlie goes Oh, and the subject is pretty much dropped.
“"Leave the dishes, I can do them tonight. You baby me too much."” It probably has to do with the fact that Bella thinks you’re an overgrown infant, Chuck.
“Edward stood in the halo of the porch light, looking like a male model in an advertisement for raincoats.” … we’re told twice that Edward looks like an advertisement and three times that he looks like a model. Guess that’s why Robert Pattinson is always doing ‘Magnum’ in his Edward makeup.
“Edward sat down fluidly in the only chair, forcing me to sit next to Chief Swan on the sofa.” Seriously, did Charlie beat her with a nickel-sock when she was a child? Why does she hate him so much?
“"She'll be safe with me, I promise, sir."” Except that he’s going to accidentally set a posse of ugly vampires who want to eat her and nearly beat her to death twice on her… but other than that, perfectly safe.
“I stalked out. They both laughed, and Edward followed me.” Haha, silly little emotional women.
“That meant he couldn't see how Edward's hands lingered at my neck, brushed along my collarbones. I gave up trying to help him and focused on not hyperventilating.” Blah blah cocktease blah. More non-porn pornography.
“"You smell so good in the rain," he explained.” Like wet dog. I eat dogs, you know, so it’s making me hungry.
“"It seems I'm going to have to tamper with your memory."
Before I could react, he pulled me from the Jeep and set my feet on the ground. ” If that doesn’t set off some creep alarms…
Oh God. This next page is just stomach turning. Edward is nuzzling her like a dog looking for the meaty chunks in his Kibble and demanding that she get over her puny fears of smashing into a tree and dying or puking all over him. Why doesn’t he just hit her over the head and drag her off by the hair?
“Now let's get out of here before I do something really stupid," he growled.” Why is this a person anyone would ever voluntarily want to be around? He could look like Marlon Brando and he still wouldn’t be worth this.
“"Don't forget to close your eyes," he warned severely.” Again with the paternalism.
“I contented myself with listening to his breath come and go evenly.” Why is he breathing? Also, SMeyer says that vampires can’t get pregnant because their skin can no longer expand. Barring the fact that vampires also wouldn’t be able to get erections if that was the case, it should also be completely impossible for them to breathe.
“He stared at me incredulously, evidently not sure whether he was still too mad to find me funny.” Why is he mad? Also, what kind of a guy would laugh at a girl he has made motion sick falling on her ass?
“I picked myself up, ignoring him as I brushed the mud and bracken off the back of my jacket. That only made him laugh harder.” You have it here, folks. Edward has the worst, nastiest sense of humor ever.
“"That I wasn't mad at you. Can't you see that, Bella?" He was suddenly intense, all trace of teasing gone. "Don't you understand?"” Yeah, don’t you understand that when I yell and scream and sulk and pout and call you names it’s nothing personal?
“"I'm never angry with you — how could I be? Brave, trusting… warm as you are."” And here we get a very delayed description of Bella’s personality… which is totally at odds with everything the book has established. Let’s break it down:
1) Bella does not believe she is in any danger at all from Edward, so her spending time with him is about as brave as me spending time with my declawed cat. She has made it clear that she does not believe Edward is even remotely dangerous, or in those brief glimpses when she realizes he is, she’s so busy trying not to jam both her hands down her pants that she doesn’t care.
2) Bella could be called trusting, I suppose, but blind would be better. She trusts that Edward won’t hurt her, but not because she has put rational thought into it. She trusts him because she has told herself she has no choice.
3) Warm? Is this the Bella who can’t be bothered to listen to anyone, ever, for any reason? She doesn’t even listen to Edward – no matter what he tells her, she just goes ‘You’re wrong because I love you!’. I mean, I guess he’s always wanted unconditional acceptance, but as she believes she doesn’t have a choice in the matter, that’s not warmth or love.
“"Now, please try to behave yourself," he continued, and he bent to softly brush his lips against mine.
I held properly still.” Yes, if you don’t behave yourself Daddy won’t give you a lolly.
“"Bella was being unintentionally funny," Edward explained, quickly settling the score.” She was falling down and getting dirty and acting like she had feelings and stuff. Hilarious.
“"No, I prefer to referee — I like keeping them honest," she explained.” Plus, it would be unseemly for a matron to play ball.
“"No," I murmured, stunned, scrambling to understand what lifetime she was remembering.” I don’t think that would be that hard. She’s dead now, and at one point she wasn’t. That’s when she lost a child.
“”Yes, my first and only baby. He died just a few days after he was born, the poor tiny thing," she sighed. "It broke my heart — that's why I jumped off the cliff, you know," she added matter-of-factly.” This is the worst exposition ever. What kind of person talks like that? I know she’s had a few years to get over her suicide, but seriously, I don’t think SMeyer has ever met a person who has even had suicidal urges, let alone has attempted suicide.
“"That's why I'm so happy that he's found you, dear." The endearment sounded very natural on her lips. "He's been the odd man out for far too long; it’s hurt me to see him alone."” Because obviously Edward being lonely is a much bigger issue than your loss and bleak despair that ended in you taking your own life. I think the reason Rosalie is portrayed as such a bitch is because she’s the only one of the Cullen’s who doesn’t think Edward is more important than she is.
“”You're what he wants.” And Lord knows Edward must have what he wants. He might turn into the Incredible Sulk otherwise. YOU WON’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M POUTY!
“This time the bat somehow made it around in time to smash into the invisible ball. The crack of impact was shattering, thunderous; it echoed off the mountains — I immediately understood the necessity of the thunderstorm.” You know, a lot of study has been done on the physics of baseball. In fact, baseball is used in a lot of introductory physics texts to show how things work. The thing is, baseballs are not sturdy enough to break the sound barrier. They would shatter on impact, as would the bats, because if the force of the bat with the ball is enough to send the ball out with speed exceeding 768 mph, both would just disintegrate. They were never made to withstand that type of pressure… particularly an aluminum bat. Unless it was a specially constructed vampire bat. (I know, and I’m ashamed of myself, but it was begging to be made)
“He sprinted to my side, sparkling with excitement.” Har.
“Alice slapped them dainty high fives.” ???
And the plot will arrive next chapter! Or so we are promised. Only 178 pages in.