Favorite math jokes

[Xanthir]

0.0 Xanthir, what browser (including version #) and OS are you using? Sounds old... or dumb... probably dumb, if it can do scripts but not right.

Chrome 5.0.375.70 beta. Linux Goobuntu Hardy (Google's Ubuntu fork).

[bitsplit]

I see an image in the sig, but no actual joke inside the box.

I am running Chrome 5.0.375.86 beta on Windows 7 x64

[squareroot]

Wow, sounds like even the same browser can produce pretty different results. I guess SVG just isn't quite fully-developed yet enough to be safely implemented. At the very least, I set the font-size to 16px, so the text should fit in the box for those of you where it *almost* works. Meh.

[nyeguy]

For what its worth, here's what I see running Chrome 5.0.375.99 on Mac OS 10.6:

Spoiler:

screenshot 2010-07-01 at 11.16.20 PM.png (6.97 KiB) Viewed 4402 times

[squareroot]

Got my lappy back. Okay, I just updated *all* of my browsers to the most recent version, and none of them seems to do it quite right. Guess we'll just have to wait then...

[PM 2Ring]

Joe the sheep farmer wants to know how many ewes he owns, so he asks his sheepdog.
"Four hundred" says the collie.
Joe isn't convinced and spends the day counting them.
"You're wrong" he tells the dog. "There's only 394."

"Well" says the collie, "I rounded them up."

[Monika]

"I rounded them up."

Wait, why is that dog talking ...

[PM 2Ring]

Wait, why is that dog talking ...

Collies don't know when to shut up.


A man walks into a bar and orders six double vodkas.
Putting them in a row, he downs the first glass, then the third and finally the fifth.
"Excuse me" the barman says as the man turns to leave.
"But you left three of the glasses of vodka untouched."
"I know" the man says.
"My doctor says it's ok to have the odd drink."

[maja]

A man walks into a bar and orders six double vodkas.
Putting them in a row, he downs the first glass, then the third and finally the fifth.
"Excuse me" the barman says as the man turns to leave.
"But you left three of the glasses of vodka untouched."
"I know" the man says.
"My doctor says it's ok to have the odd drink."

but why didn't he order just 5?

or, or, he could've ordered 5 triple vodkas! that's all odd!!

or, or, or, (if this weren't a math forum), he could've ordered 17 shots of Riga Black Balsam (that's odd and kind of disgusting as well)

[z function]

An infinite number of mathemeticians walk into a bar at the Fibonacci Hotel. The first mathemetician says, "I'll have one beer, please." The second mathemetician says, "I'll have one beer, please." The Nth mathemetician points to N-2 and N-1 and says, "I'll have what those two are having."

[Dason]

An infinite number of mathemeticians walk into a bar at the Fibonacci Hotel. The first mathemetician says, "I'll have one beer, please." The second mathemetician says, "I'll have one beer, please." The Nth mathemetician points to N-2 and N-1 and says, "I'll have what those two are having."

So everybody has a single beer? I guess it's what I'd order as well.

[z function]

An infinite number of mathemeticians walk into a bar at the Fibonacci Hotel. The first mathemetician says, "I'll have one beer, please." The second mathemetician says, "I'll have one beer, please." The Nth mathemetician points to N-2 and N-1 and says, "I'll have what those two are having."

So everybody has a single beer? I guess it's what I'd order as well.

Well thanks for making me welcome

[squareroot]

Ooh, nice way to burn a noobie, Dason. I thought we were better than other forums! I thought we had NERD INTEGRITY!

I, for one, liked the joke. Although I had the exact same thoughts. I have no clue which parts of this post are serious and which aren't, so don't ask me... it might be the sleep deprivation kicking in... heheheh....

Why did the chicken cross the north pole?

He wanted to save the time of walking all the way across the R² plane.

[Bruenor]

Might have been told already, but hey, there's 29 pages to search through:

A bunch of Polish mathematicians wanted to take a holiday together. They all chipped in, hired themselves a private jet, and jetted off. During the flight, the plane suddenly banked very sharply, and started to nose dive towards the ground. Terrified, the mathematicians rushed into the cockpit, and found the pilot slumped dead over the controls. In a panic, one of the mathematicians decided he would try to fly the plane.

He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The plane kept plummeting and spinning out of control. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please hurry!"

The mathematician calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane."

[Dason]

An infinite number of mathemeticians walk into a bar at the Fibonacci Hotel. The first mathemetician says, "I'll have one beer, please." The second mathemetician says, "I'll have one beer, please." The Nth mathemetician points to N-2 and N-1 and says, "I'll have what those two are having."

So everybody has a single beer? I guess it's what I'd order as well.

Well thanks for making me welcome

Ha. Sorry if I made you feel unwelcome. I kind of liked the joke but that's immediately what I thought so I pointed it out. We do have nerd integrity here and that's why I want to hear the joke proper! I believe we are in a thread that has been hijacked numerous times due to an argument that broke out stemming from a joke so I didn't think I was toooo out of line in pointing that out.

Anywho, I really do hope they all only order one beer because if it's actually what the joke implied then we either have way too many alcoholic mathematicians or we're going to have way too many dead mathematicians in the near future. Most likely it's a mixture of the two.

[Monika]

An infinite number of mathemeticians walk into a bar at the Fibonacci Hotel. The first mathemetician says, "I'll have one beer, please." The second mathemetician says, "I'll have one beer, please." The Nth mathemetician points to N-2 and N-1 and says, "I'll have what those two are having."

Hehe . I thought we were through all mathematicians-walk-into-a-bar / -hotel jokes, but I was wrong!

Might have been told already, but hey, there's 29 pages to search through:

A bunch of Polish mathematicians wanted to take a holiday together. They all chipped in, hired themselves a private jet, and jetted off. During the flight, the plane suddenly banked very sharply, and started to nose dive towards the ground. Terrified, the mathematicians rushed into the cockpit, and found the pilot slumped dead over the controls. In a panic, one of the mathematicians decided he would try to fly the plane.

He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The plane kept plummeting and spinning out of control. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please hurry!"

The mathematician calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane."

We didn't have this one yet. And I forgot during reading that they were Polish so I didn't get the joke at first .
But what are poles in complex planes? Or is this just a reference to polar coordinates / the polar way of writing complex numbers?

[jaap]

But what are poles in complex planes? Or is this just a reference to polar coordinates / the polar way of writing complex numbers?

Simple Pole

[willancs]

How would you calculate the number of people in a restaurant who only buy a drink?

With a buy-no-meal distribution.

[z function]

An infinite number of mathemeticians walk into a bar at the Fibonacci Hotel. The first mathemetician says, "I'll have one beer, please." The second mathemetician says, "I'll have one beer, please." The Nth mathemetician points to N-2 and N-1 and says, "I'll have what those two are having."

So everybody has a single beer? I guess it's what I'd order as well.

Well thanks for making me welcome

Ha. Sorry if I made you feel unwelcome. I kind of liked the joke but that's immediately what I thought so I pointed it out. We do have nerd integrity here and that's why I want to hear the joke proper! I believe we are in a thread that has been hijacked numerous times due to an argument that broke out stemming from a joke so I didn't think I was toooo out of line in pointing that out.

Anywho, I really do hope they all only order one beer because if it's actually what the joke implied then we either have way too many alcoholic mathematicians or we're going to have way too many dead mathematicians in the near future. Most likely it's a mixture of the two.

Apology accepted! Maybe I was a little sensitive. Let's be friends!

As for the joke, if you think you can improve it, please go ahead! I think it works because of what it leaves out, the 1,1, and N-1, N-2 make it obvious to me that it is Fibonacci Series, and that is what amused me when I first heard it.

And as for the infinite number of mathematicians wanting their drinks? Well you need an infinite number of bartenders for that, and I don't think you'll ever get that sort of service!

[pernero]

Differentiating is very similar to Integration. Except the opposite.

[mathboy]

- n mathematicians were standing outside a strip club. Which one of them entered it?
- The kth.

(Though I guess it is a bit funnier in Swedish, where "the kth" is pronounced the same way as "the horny one".)

[SlyReaper]

- n mathematicians were standing outside a Mobius strip club. Which one of them entered it?
- They were already inside.

[Monika]

[pernero]

A man walks into a Mobius strip club. And simultaneously walks out.

[Eebster the Great]

- n mathematicians were standing outside a Mobius strip club. Which one of them entered it?
- They were already inside.

I just realized that Mobius strips could make for very interesting clothing.

[Monika]

Because one would be dressed and naked at the same time?

[PM 2Ring]

Because one would be dressed and naked at the same time?

Not exactly, but sort of. `
http://www.designersparty.com/entry/Mobius-Dress-Meejin-Yoon

[Talith]

- n mathematicians were standing outside a Mobius strip club. Which one of them entered it?
- They were already inside.

I just realized that Mobius strips could make for very interesting clothing.

"I wonder what's under that dress my dear."
"Erm.... everything?"

[TiglathPileser3]

"I want to get inside your pants."
"You already are."

[CZeke]

After reading this entire thread, I've decided the real joke is the way somebody inevitably reposts each joke two pages later. As Brian Clevinger says, the best joke is the one that's on the reader.

someone on another forum I frequent and I were talking about Laplace transforms, and how when I was learning it, we used L{f(x)} = F(*batman symbol*).

I'm not sure I get this. Was it just to stress that the new function has a different independent variable?

[GyRo567]

The mathematician calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane."

I am so using this! :]

[MidsizeBlowfish]

Best dirty math joke ever:

What's the square root of sixty-nine?

Eight someting.

[Eebster the Great]

Best dirty math joke ever:

What's the square root of sixty-nine?

Eight someting.

Meh

[t1mm01994]

Best dirty math joke ever:

What's the square root of sixty-nine?

Eight someting.

Meh

It did cause a slight smile on my face.. But not more than that, I'm afraid.

[UrielZyx]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world:

Those who do not understand binary.
Those who do understand binary.
Those who know how to use induction.
Those who know how to use induction.
Those who know how to use induction.
Those who know how to use induction.
Those who know how to use induction.
And so on..

[bitsplit]

An infinite number of mathemeticians walk into a bar at the Fibonacci Hotel. The first mathemetician says, "I'll have one beer, please." The second mathemetician says, "I'll have one beer, please." The Nth mathemetician points to N-2 and N-1 and says, "I'll have what those two are having."

So everybody has a single beer? I guess it's what I'd order as well.

Well thanks for making me welcome

Ha. Sorry if I made you feel unwelcome. I kind of liked the joke but that's immediately what I thought so I pointed it out. We do have nerd integrity here and that's why I want to hear the joke proper! I believe we are in a thread that has been hijacked numerous times due to an argument that broke out stemming from a joke so I didn't think I was toooo out of line in pointing that out.

Anywho, I really do hope they all only order one beer because if it's actually what the joke implied then we either have way too many alcoholic mathematicians or we're going to have way too many dead mathematicians in the near future. Most likely it's a mixture of the two.

Apology accepted! Maybe I was a little sensitive. Let's be friends!

As for the joke, if you think you can improve it, please go ahead! I think it works because of what it leaves out, the 1,1, and N-1, N-2 make it obvious to me that it is Fibonacci Series, and that is what amused me when I first heard it.

And as for the infinite number of mathematicians wanting their drinks? Well you need an infinite number of bartenders for that, and I don't think you'll ever get that sort of service!

An infinite number of mathemeticians walk into a bar at the Fibonacci Hotel. The first mathemetician says, "I'll have one beer, please." The second mathemetician says, "I'll have one beer, please." The Nth mathemetician points to N-2 and N-1 and says, "I'll have what (s)he's having, and then what (s)he's having."

[++$_]

For some bizarre reason, the first sentence of the Uncyclopedia article on the Bolzano-Weierstrass theorem struck me as amusing:

The Bolzano–Weierstrass theorem is an important result in culinary analysis. The original statement, proven in 1817 by N. Dasch Bolzano–Weierstrass, is that every bounded sandwich has a vegetarian subsandwich.

It's true!

[CZeke]

Only if you count the empty sandwich as a vegetarian subsandwich. Otherwise you could slap a chunk of ham between two strips of bacon and get a counterexample.

[jestingrabbit]

Only if you count the empty sandwich as a vegetarian subsandwich. Otherwise you could slap a chunk of ham between two strips of bacon and get a counterexample.

Or a heartattack.

[lucius_vorenus]

Thread too long. Did not read past first page. Anyway, here it is (again, maybe).

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.