Awesome Teacher Quotes

[joshz]

That reminds me of my chemistry teacher's "pervnert!" (PV=nRT)

[Chrishy]

This is from a math analysis class I'm taking. The teacher is grade-A INSANE and we're only halfway through the class (it's a full year).

I party (I = Prt) all night long.
Pert and Ernie (A(t) = Pe^rt). ...There really isn't an Ernie, but we did do a Pert problem based on Sesame street.
Also, we did this one temperature problem. A person with a normal body temperature of 98.6ºF dies in a lake that is constantly 62ºF. Then the book gave us the body's temperature at 11am and noon, and we had to deduce when the person died. The teacher, however, took the problem PERSONALLY. She kept saying "Now, I'm committing suicide because my life is unfulfilling, and you HAVE to find out when I killed myself," and the like. We were DYING of laughter. I don't remember the temperatures (or even the formula we used), but I do know she died at 3:08am. I felt like I was on CSI.

One day she also started talking about the farm she ran (wat) and the Mexicans she employed. Then she said she didn't speak Spanish, but one day she did yell "MUCHO HOT. GO EL LUNCHO." and then gave them a goat to roast. Like, there was no real backstory. She just kind of offered up those events. o.o

[osiris32]

During my class on operating portable water pumps and making hose lays:

"No, you can't run a 4" hose into a 2" hose downhill. That would be like trying to put a 4" penis in a 2" vagina. It's not going to fit, and even if it does, something's going to burst."

[geekzam]

In Science class one day, we were making models of molecules and the teacher said, "And we get to make alcohol so it should be a pretty fun class." On an overnight trip to Oregon State University, during the rather lengthy drive, a student asked if he could play some music. The student proceeded to play an Eminem track as loud as he could. The teacher then said, " I thought you were going to play music. That's not music that's some guy arguing." Latter, on the trip to the hotel we were staying in, one student said, " You should call up some of your college buddies and have a party" the teacher responded," Why do you think I'm dropping you off at the hotel?" At dinner he ordered a beer. One student expressed his concern," Your not really going to drink that are you? Your driving!" He responded,"Not right now, I'm not."

I've only heard stories about this but apparently another Science teacher (who is about 6 ft. tall) once made his entire class go to the gym and made them run laps while he chased students. This Science teacher has a picture of him in an angry mood with a sword photoshopped into his hands. He constantly refers to another teacher as "little man".

In English class we were going to watch the film version of "The Odyssey" and the teacher was going on about how the film was an okay version it was filled with excessive violence and other things because it sells. One student asked if there were sex scenes and the teacher replied,"Oh yes, hot steamy sex scenes" The entire class couldn't stop laughing.

[Develous]

Student: "I'm not buying your math."
Teacher: "I'm not selling it, I'm shoving it down your throat."

This has got to be my favorite math teacher. Now I'm in highschool and sleep through all my math class.
Some classmates put together a whole page of teacher-student quotes, I'll have to see if I can get it someday.

[Rockstone]

"Fun, yes, fun as in Functions and fun as in Funeral"- Precalc Teacher
"Calculus is a lot like Onions- it has layers. Also, it makes me cry" - On her board... with a picture of an Onion
She actually has this comic: http://xkcd.com/327/ on her wall next to her printer. It's hilarious.

[jackjackjackkk]

My history teacher once said, 'Mike, I'm starting to wake up at night screaming your name. My husband is getting very concerned.' due to his lack of working.

[llamanaru]

That reminds me of my chemistry teacher's "pervnert!" (PV=nRT)

Mine skipped that and went straight to the inevitable "pervert". The way he introduced us to it was something like:

So this equation, PV=nRT, or "pervert" is very important. I call it pervert bacause it's older than all the other equations and it's always inside them somewhere.

Also that day when we walked in the daily agenda had a big, graffiti looking "pervert" and nothing else on it.

[APolaris]

For some reason, a class I was student teaching during spring semester this year was rather amused by an exchange I had with a student while handing back exams. I wonder how many noticed the second half was almost verbatim from the 1995 Pride & Prejudice adaptation.

A female student who frequently acts up and usually scored in the 70s: "A 100! Oh em gee, Mr. _____, I love you!"
Me: "I love me too."
Student: "Oh Mr. _____, I'll never get annoyed by anything you say again!"
Me: "I'm sorry to hear it."

[Chrishy]

My chemistry teacher was explaining the difference between effusion and diffusion and accidentally said "effusion is just diffusion through a whore." (She said she had mixed up HOLE and PORE.) Then she told the English teacher about her mistake and he said, "Oh don't sweat it. I don't know how many times I've accidentally introduced the Tale of Two Titties."

I love this school.

[VelloCretic]

*middle of math class*
*X is talking and not paying attention*
Math teacher: X, wanna fight?

this eventually reached the point where X would say "Ok" and then the teacher would say "south parking lot, 3:30"
of course there was never any real fighting

[klawz]

My Social Studies teacher, Mr. Morris, often when talking about capitalism, uses Mr. Morris' Cupcake Factory. They are known for such things as their "Mr. Happy Fun Time Blob of Broken Glass and Mercury" as well as his tendency to use annoying kids as examples for the horrors of labour conditions in the 1840s, with things like one child getting in a frosting accident and losing an eye.

[Westz]

my welding/machining/carpentry teacher.

first year, carpentry: "if theres anything i hate more than bent nails, its rust. rust is oxidation of iron and ferrous alloys, and blood contains a lot of oxygen. so heres my warning: if you get blood on my machines, you clean it up before we call an ambulance, otherwise, if the machine hasn't killed you, i will."

in manufacturing the next year: "these lathes have a 2 horsepower motor. i recommend rolling up your sleeves, because if you lose this arm wrestling match, you lose your arm too. and if any blood gets on the machine, ill make the other arm match"

welding, both junior and senior year: "now, you might have heard that it only takes .02 amps to kill you. we weld with anywhere between 50 and 200 amps. this is where i would usually dare you to close the circuit and see for yourself, but last time i said that, i spent two hours scraping charred flesh off the terminals."

stick welding electrodes are numbered in very specific ways so as to be easily distinguishable. in my class we used 6010, 6011, 6013, and 7018 (pronounced with the first two and last two digits as different numbers, e.g. 7018 is "seventy eighteen" ) 6010's and 6011's are about the same, except 6010's are a little more position sensitive, 6013's and 7018's are "fillers" which we use to fill in a deeply penetrating weld made by a 6010 or 6011. 6013 welds look a lot smoother than 6011's so they're generally accepted as a shittier rod (because its harder to tell if you've got a good weld or not, since it smooths itself) and even though they're smooth, they're not as fun to use.

anyway, first day of welding 3-4 and my friend matt was wondering if the teacher would have us start with 6013's again even though we'd been using 6011's most of the last year. he asks the teacher and the teacher tells him we'd be using 6011's matt lets out a sigh of relief and the teacher goes "matt, iv'e seen your welds. even if you were using 6013's, they'd still look like bad 6011's"

[possum888]

Teacher angry at laptop: WHY WONT YOU LET ME DOWNLOAD QUICKTIME!!!

[smacks fist on keyboard. laptop turns off and wont start]

Teacher: Excuse me I have to see the IT technician...

[BurningLed]

Music Theory: "The reason you have to learn all of these rules is because when you break them, it's going to be because you don't care, not because you don't know."

[Jof16's]

This one's not really a quote but something awesome a TA in one of my classes did.

One of my friends was having trouble with MathCAD and raised his hand. Our (very beautiful) female TA came over to help him. She was explaining some stuff to him and he was writing it down on a piece of paper. He takes one look at the paper and, without hesitation, looks her square in the eye and says, "Damn you. You made me write all over my notes." He had been too busy paying attention to her to pay attention to what he was doing and wrote all over the same side of the same sheet of paper he had been taking notes on during the class. My friends and I nervously eyed each other, waiting to see what would happen next. She continued talking without so much as an angry glare.

I still wonder just what she put up with in her life to be able to shrug off what he said.


EDIT: Also, my HS English teacher: "I can read minds. I know what you are thinking the entire time you are in my classroom." -She was semi-psychic. She knew what most of our questions were before we even asked them. It was kinda scary.

[eventually]

Setting: Physics lecture-hall filled with 200 drooling, bleary-eyed freshman because this specific physics sequence was compulsory for graduation, not for any of our majors. Fluorescent lights, brown carpet, etc.

Cast: The school I attend is known for its awesome physics program. The prof was obviously a ridiculously intelligent man just doing his teaching community-service in order to get on with his research. He attempted to share his work with our lecture once, but it just generated a greater-than-normal production of drool and eye-lid heaviness. He looks like what a Revenge of the Nerds physics prof would look like.

Quote: In explaining the counter-intuitive concept that an object can still have positive acceleration with a negative speed, he stopped writing and peered at us seriously: "This is a very important concept to understand. I will gladly entertain any doubts. Do you all accept this as true?"

bleary-eyed silence

The professor shakes his head and turns back to the board while muttering to himself (forgetting the mic), "Well, at least you're not excessively disturbed by it."

[jackjackjackkk]

Today, in the canteen, I heard a teacher say to a student of whose BMI is well... unsafe in the large region, shall we say. The teacher said to this student, 'Do you really need to be here?'

[TaintedDeity]

I'mnot sure that's an "Awesome" teacher quote so much as a 'Fucking horrible, needs to be fired' teacher quote.

[jackjackjackkk]

I'd agree, but it was banterous, not offensive. The student and him have a back-and-forth. The same teacher was said to have been asked why he was so fat, to which he replied, 'because every time I shag your nan, she gives me a biscuit.'

[TaintedDeity]

Well now, there's some necessary context.

[Kendrubbin]

Back in my first year at High School, we had this amazing Irish (Mentioned for the sake of a great accent) teacher called Mr. Macareavy (Or as half the school pronounced it; Macreavy), who taught us English.

One day he walked into the room with an Acoustic Guitar in hand, and an empty coke box on his head. He taught us normally through half the lesson and then sat down and started playing the guitar. When someone asked him why he was doing this, he merely said that he was feeling a little boxy today.

[ExplodingHat]

My physics professor was talking about how to find iron meteor debris. He claims that "trolling with magnets is the way to go". He was confused when people started laughing.

[lolol]

"If you use a graphing calculator on this homework, I will cut your arm off." - Current calculus teacher. A few people chuckled, and he just went "hah" as if to say "Ha, you fools think I'm joking."

[kolokonokos]

Our Russian physics teacher, going over a packet she'd given us to do over break:

"Number 23 is a flowerpot, so obviously that one is a little bit... involved."

[Monika]

I don't get it. Involved? Flowerpot?

[Dason]

I don't really get it either. I'm pretty sure we're missing some context.

[Tyaust]

More wonderful quotes from my chemistry teacher.

Some girl asking a question about fluorine gas, "You'd probaly die, but in the name of science it was worth it."

After the class laughs at him for cutting his head on the TV wall mount, "I'm glad my pain bringhs you joy."

A plane flys over the school and he stops talking mid sentence, "The planes, they have came to bomb us!"

"There are only two significant digits. I'm only going off of what Kelci told me. After class we're going to beat her to death for giving us the wrong answer."

"As you know gasoline is flammable, so tomorrow don't smoke in the lab. Keep your crack pipes in your pockets becasue you'll blow us all up."

For one of the lab activities we did we had to charge a acetate rod with rabbit fur to demonstrate the properties of polar vs. non-polar liquids, "Did I mention the fur is from bunnies that were once alive? The science supply company kills them in the most painful ways, by putting them on a racecar track, and if they're stil twitching they'll run them over slowly, stop, then spin the tires. Sometimes they skin them alive then run them over. Don't you want to donate to the SPCA now?"

[GenovaHeightsGhost]

In response to a question about substance abuse having anything to do with what we're talking about in Chemistry (intro material/properties of matter), quoth my teacher:
"I think that the substances that are abused are probably mixtures..." *contemplative expression*

[Isotope_238]

My math professor, introducing the math/CS logic+finite state machines+Boolean algebra course: The philosophy department has a course called "Logic," but they take an entire semester to do what we cover in only one third, because we're much smarter over here.

Apologies to philosophy majors. (I'm CS).

[Boingloing]

My Biology teacher on students leaving the classroom right when the bell rings:

I did not dismiss you yet! Sometimes, I keep my students after class if I think you're important and need the information...
but I don't, so go.

[Ouch.jars]

During a small assembly, members of the sports day blue team were putting up balloons in the area above. One fell down:

Teacher: See, this is why nobody likes the blue team. Destroy that balloon.
*popping noise*
Teacher: Excellent.

[possum888]

I'll always remember my Geography teacher Mr Richmond. One day we were talking about small cloud formations:

Student: Mr R would know the meaning of small...
Teacher: Think you're funny?

Teacher: *opens window and shouts* (name) HAS A SMALL PENIS!!
*janitor outside give cheery thumbs up*

Teacher: Thats how I roll
*applause*

[Djehutynakht]

In the words of my old geometry teacher, "I WILL CRUSH YOU LIKE A BUG!"

In the words of my old US history teacher... Oh... I'll save that for another day. she's the supervisor for a program I run, so I'm generally around her for 10+ hours a week. There's a lot of stuff.... A lot of stuff...

[MisterCheif]

On Monday we had an assembly on sexting, and the fact that it is illegal. Why? Because the freshman are stupid extremely immature. They brought in somebody from the state to speak about it, and they are not a good speaker at all.

So, I get to physics after the assembly and my physics teacher tells us what he told his juniors two years ago when that same person came in to speak about drugs and the PSSAs:

"She has a good message, but she says it in a way that makes you hate her and want to do drugs."


Also, yes, my school is the one that 6abc had has their top story at 11 last week...
Darn freshman...

[Chrishy]

Ehh, my middle school had a drug bust on pseudoephedrine.

~hardcore children~

[zmatt]

On Monday we had an assembly on sexting, and the fact that it is illegal. Why? Because the freshman are stupid extremely immature. They brought in somebody from the state to speak about it, and they are not a good speaker at all.

So, I get to physics after the assembly and my physics teacher tells us what he told his juniors two years ago when that same person came in to speak about drugs and the PSSAs:

"She has a good message, but she says it in a way that makes you hate her and want to do drugs."


Also, yes, my school is the one that 6abc had has their top story at 11 last week...
Darn freshman...

Other than minors doing it I don't understand why it would be illegal. That's like outlawing phone sex.....

Also great quote. I've seen their type a lot. The state has a real problem hiring the lamest speakers in the world. Probably for similar levels of incompetence schools tend to get the sorriest people for sex ed class. If they had a hot teacher give it I probably would have cared more.

[firechicago]

Other than minors doing it I don't understand why it would be illegal. That's like outlawing phone sex.....

At least in America, most state laws make no distinction between a 17 year old sending a naughty picture to another teen and a grown person taking pictures of naked children in sexual situations and putting them online. (And reading MisterCheif's post I'm assuming that he's talking about a high school.)

And the ridiculous thing is that some prosecutors have tried to prosecute the laws as written.

[Burning]

There is a religion teacher at my high school who, if a student is being bad, will tell them she is throwing them off Noah's Ark.

She also told someone that

The road to hell is paved by people like YOU!

When asked what her favorite animal is:

Unicorns. Because they're dead.

Then there's the history teacher. At one point some one mentioned airports and she said something along the lines of:

Airports? I was at this airport once and I started hitting on this guy and then it turned out he was a priest.

My physics teacher once told us that if there was one thing we should remember from her class, it was never to be in free fall while wearing a skirt.

[The Scyphozoa]

My history teacher said something about people working together... quietly, to my friends, I sing "we're aaall in thiiiiiis togeeeeeether" and my friend, loudly, says "SHUT UP JOE!" My teacher says that was a little harsh, and my friend explains. Teacher: "Okay, yeah, shut up Joe."