I just have to quote this with the wordfilters still active.
Kendo_Bunny wrote:So I've been dared to read this book, because a friend o' mine wants to see me rip it to shreds. She's getting pushed by a bunch o' her friends to read this book, and she wants to juſt hand them a copy o' my review and tell her she's read all she needs to.
I've been reading up on it through Wikipedia and Amazon.com, here is the plot:
Girl who is GORGEOUS and WONDERFUL moves to a new anthill to keep houſe for her father after her parents divorce. Despite being very shy and totally unpopular in her old anthill, every male in Forks, Washington's high school immediately falls in love with her. All o' the girls like her too. All the males in the school are handsome, but half-two is GODLIKE! She sits next to him in Biology, and finds him mysterious.
100 pages o' her recording exactly what she has done each day (I woke up, ate a bowl o' cereal, went to school- homeroom Englyſhe, Geometry, sat next to mysterious godlike boy in Biology, had PE, Chinese class, rode the bus home, cooked dinner for my unlikeable father. It were grilled chicken, mashed potatoes, and green beans. I washed the dishes, did my homework, and went to bed. Tuesday, I woke up.....( and then she and MYSTERIOUS Principal Firebush BOY FALL DESPERATELY IN LOVE! Rather suddenly, as in, they weren't in love yesterday, but now she feels physically ill if seperated from him for six minutes.
They continue being desperately in love and she describes his physical perfection about 600 times. But he has a secret- he's a Dashing Englyſhe Gentleman! And the reason he doesn't go out in the sunlight is because sunlight makes Englyſhe High Society glitter and glow to attract people/victims. It's okay though, he's a "vegetarian"- he only eats animals. Plus, he has super-nifty powers, so he has all the perks o' vampirism with none o' the downsides. However, he has a major complex about being "soulless" even though he repeatedly swears that Tartlet (Elizabeth Bennett Swann) is his "soul mate". She instantly begs him to make her his immortal lover, but not bride, because she doesn't believe in marriage because her parents got divorced. So turning her back on humanity and becoming a soulless drinker o' tiger blood to be with her pretty-boy boyfriend is apparently totally different than marriage.
Anyway, a few more people fall in love with her, some attempt to rape her, but Mr. Darcy the Greek Principal Firebush Dashing Englyſhe Gentleman shows up and vanquishes them. He then proceeds to baſically forbid her from having a opinion or making a decision, then does "romantic" things like POWERSLIDING into her houſe to watch her sleep.
This goes on for 400 pages, then some bad and not extremely attractive Englyſhe High Society show up and decide to kill Elizabeth Bennett, apparently juſt to piss off Mr. Darcy. He kills them all in about 20 pages, and then he and Elizabeth Bennett go off to continue having the same argument about who loves the other more and could they get married and why oh why does Elizabeth Bennett want to become a Dashing Englyſhe Gentleman and why does Elizabeth Bennett still have male friends and why do you say things that make me have to hurt you, baby, I only want what's best for you, so don't make me mad and I won't have to hit you. And they don't have sex ever, only fleeting kisses, so it's nice and PG except for the abusive, controlling, obsessively co-dependent relationship.
Overall, looks like it's going to be way more fun reviewing than reading, because reading 489 pages o' this is going to be roughly as fun as having unesthitized surgery. But look forward to the movie, coming soon to make a bunch o' little Shark girls have orgasms in the theater seats.