Interesting facts about IT departments

[Jumble]

I recently designed a flyer for an IT department. I wanted to include interesting facts about said technology adepts, but (as I was working at home at the weekend) didn't have any to hand. So I made some facetious comments up as a place marker, intending to replace them later, such as:
- our developers are able to identify bugs in their code by dowsing printouts with hazzle rods
- the support engineers are trained to sleep standing up to improve their incident response time
- our business continuity events involve scenarios up to and including, alien invasion
- our configuration management database has the capacity to bar code and track every grain of sand on Clacton beech
- an adapted swimming pool flume provides the computer suite support team with emergency access to the server room

However, it turns out that my made up facts are far more popular than the real ones. Can anyone suggest any others?

[Eseell]

Our network uses new Ansible!^TM technology to provide faster-than-light communication.

[AJR]

All our under-floor network cables are inspected for damage nightly by a highly trained ferret!
Support engineers fully trained in the latest percussive hardware maintenance techniques!
Our system administrators are constructed entirely from coffee, and so are now fully Fairtrade certified!

Real Life anecdote aside: I have encountered printers which respond positively to percussive maintenance...

[SmoothBlade]

We have implemented an entirely new support crew of androids ready to respond at a MHz's notice! (Disclaimer: We are not responsible for any robot porn they may download to the computer system)

[RoadieRich]

Our systems admin team is intimately familiar with both the contents of your inbox, the large IT budget cut you are about to approve, and methods of transmitting mains voltage.

[brume]

Yes, we intentionally purchased buggy software from an outside vendor.

No, we are not embarrassed by the costs of the 'updates'.

(Kinda standard, I know, but had to be said.)

[SmoothBlade]

While we aren't busy running you through a list of things to do on your computer that you probably already did, we spend our time making pointless animation videos to demonstrate the evils of viruses.


We now guarantee that all new system patches come with complementary porn backdrop changes!


You agree that you have no reasonable expectation of privacy while using this computer, and that you will not remove the camera mounted on the floor beneath your glass chair.


We are technically no longer in control of the network, but you can still count on us to handle all the hardware issues, but please refer all software issues to the Chinese hackers who have taken over the network.


We would like to announce our new partnership with Viagra! For now on, Viagra will be paying us $1.00 for every advertisement we send to our users! Our quota this week is $5,000 from Viagra pop-ups alone per person. (Notice: It has been brought to our attention that the x button no longer works on the pop-ups. We wanted to clarify that this has been added to our Things-To-Do list)

[cjdrum]

Each day, we fire any of the gerbils that aren't working as hard as the others, and replace them with completely new ones!
We did consider goblins, elves and pixies, but we discovered that gerbils are more competent even than humans!

[poxic]

Notes on the company's Legacy System Of Doom:

1. The OS cannot be replaced. It is an outdated edition of an outdated version of Unix. We think it was Linux at one point, before the University of Moose Jaw took it over and forked it. We can't find an install, so we can't make a backup machine.

2. The database cannot be replaced. It is an outdated version of an outdated technology. Hey, Interbase was totally the shit twenty years ago. Don't blame the people who aren't here any more and haven't been for fifteen years. We can't find an install, so we can't make a backup machine.

3. The programming language cannot be replaced. It is an outdated version of an outdated language from a vendor who is no longer in business. We can't find an install, so we can't etc.

4. The hardware is twenty years old. All of it.

5. The legacy system has had most of its functionality replaced, at enormous expense, by more modern and sustainable tech.

6. What remains is the vital, we're-a-publicly-listed-corporation-so-we-must-file-public-financial-statements-by-a-set-day-every-month kind of stuff.

7. The newly-built-and-modern programs on modern machines that would replace the vital remnant have failed a couple of times already.

8. The success of that replacement depends, in no small part, on me.

...

9. I am not the heartlessly greedy bastard I sometimes wish I were.


(Most of these points are 100% true. Our third attempt did, mostly, succeed though. Yay?)

[ConMan]

* Now hiring ballistic experts to put us "in the cloud".

* Our programmers are so agile they're getting headhunted by Cirque de Soleil.

* Only 3 years until we're Y2K compliant!

* We're not all nerds - some of us are geeks.

[Jumble]

Suggestions from my wife:

- We maintain a 3 week supply of vitamin D supplements to allow our support teams to operate for extended periods without access to natural light
- 80% of our staff have been trained to think in binary
- Our helpdesk receives > 47,000 calls per month. More than 46,500 of these are requests to reset forgotten passwords
- 'Thankyou for phoning the IT helpdesk. Press 1 to be put on hold, press 2 for us to drop the line without warning, press 3 to hear a recoded message telling you to turn your computer off and the back on again....'

[ConMan]

- 1010000% of our staff have been trained to think in binary

FTFY
At least partially. I'm not sure how you deal with percentages when you're in binary (0.11001100 ... 11%?)

[RoadieRich]

- 1010000% of our staff have been trained to think in binary

FTFY
At least partially. I'm not sure how you deal with percentages when you're in binary (0.11001100 ... 11%?)

32-bit IEEE float.

[SmoothBlade]

Hello. Thank you for calling the IT Help Desk. We are sorry that we cannot respond to your inquiry at the present time. We may be over loaded on solving other security issues, or we may have scheduled a gamebattle today.


We would like to announce that we have resolved the problem with the hackers. Nyan.cat is no longer the default homepage on all browsers, and we have translated Windows Explorer from Klingon back to English. We are sorry for the inconvenience.


Our IT department is looking for new employees! Requirements: Level 80 or above runscape account WITH subscription, authenticated gamebattles account, background in Java, and a WoW account with at least one Horde character and no alliance. Also a 3 page written statement explaining your position on the Star Wars vs Star trek debate is required.


Our IT department is looking for new employees! All our former IT specialists have been arrested for identity theft.

[Kromix]

I am not we, and we are not you. Quit blaming us for your issues.

[matt96]

This thread is hillarious.