xkcd

by **Mighty Jalapeno** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 4:20 pm UTC

Atlantis?

by **Chipersoft** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 4:28 pm UTC

http://www.google.com/trends/hottrends?q=river+tam&date=2007-9-3&sa=X
It's pretty clear when the comic got posted.

Shame on you all for not knowing who she is. tsk tsk

by **Chipersoft** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 4:29 pm UTC

Mighty Jalapeno wrote:Atlantis?

http://tviv.org/Stargate_Atlantis

by **Mighty Jalapeno** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 4:31 pm UTC

Chipersoft wrote:
Mighty Jalapeno wrote:Atlantis?

http://tviv.org/Stargate_Atlantis

Oh, right, the new Stargate. Never seen it, but my sister seems to like it. It's on my "watch when I get the DVDs" list.

by **hendusoone** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 5:34 pm UTC

Oh man... I've been a fan of Jewel Staite since Space Cases. She may have been my first actress crush... well, probably second, after Carrie Fisher. But Carrie is way too old for me.

I would see "River Tam Beats Up Everyone" at least twice in the theater, as long as Joss works his magic with it.

Stargate: Atlantis? I need to start watching this show. Will I need to watch the other Stargate show(s?) first? I've seen a bit of SG1... will I be missing much?

by **grythyttan** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 5:42 pm UTC

hendusoone wrote:Stargate: Atlantis? I need to start watching this show. Will I need to watch the other Stargate show(s?) first? I've seen a bit of SG1... will I be missing much?

Nah occasionaly they make a reference to some stuff that happened in SG1 but they usually explain it and if they don't wikipedia is there for you.

It's basically "we got this portal in some galaxy and there are these evil aliens that kick the shit ot of the galaxy but we have one-liners and frickin' spaceships so we own them anyway"

by **Mighty Jalapeno** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 5:43 pm UTC

Stargate: Rescuing The Stars Of Better Shows Since 2004

by **Erasmus** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 6:23 pm UTC

Okay, this strip is well-taken, but picked a bad example. 48/158 action ratio is astoundingly generous compared to "War", the new Jet Li / Jason Statham flick.

This movie is about a war between the Yakuza and the Traids, spurred on by Jet Li and held back by Jason Statham. Pretty good setup for non-stop action, no? No. There are 2.5 fight scenes near the end of the movie. The rest of the movie is shots of walking, driving (defensively), and getting in and out of cars. Action, when it happens, is obscured by walls (e.g., a Yakuza boss sends a goon and his guard dogs down a hallway and around a corner to get Jet Li. You hear some bones crunch and two yelps and the action is done. It's like that for the whole movie.)

Dear Mr. Statham and Mr. Li: I am disappointed in you. Your newest installment is a far cry from such timeless classics as "The Transporter" and "Lethal Weapon 4".

by **japanese_jew** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 7:04 pm UTC

Hey. Erasmus. Quiet, you. The Transporter was nothing compared to Crank, or Lock Stock, or Snatch. There were a couple of good action scenes in the Transporter. That's it. Crank gets a mention in the alt. text for a reason.

All that I learned from transformers is that Michael Bay is a bad director as well as a racist. The only black guy who wasn't fat was in the military, there's like one hispanic guy who can't tell the difference between English and Spanish, there are no Asians, and the only black transformer dies. C'mon. Also, the movie sucked.

Ha! The Boondock Saints. It was more than a little retarded, but had very decent action sequences. It's a lot more fun to watch by yourself when you don't have a reason to criticize it. "Wait a second. . . that's really bad acting! That would never happen! That's the worst CGI I've ever seen! What the fuck kind of accent is that?" When you're by yourself, it's all, "Ha ha! He has tourettes! Ha ha! He's gay! Lol he's good at shooting!111"

Although if you're looking for action, I say just go with John Woo. Hardboiled kicks so much ass. Haven't seen the Killer yet, but . . . whoa.

If you really, really want action, I'd suggest Battle Royale. The sequel is the same but the music isn't as good, and the direction is slightly shoddier, and the camerawork doesn't fit. But . . . I mean . . . whatever. Good violence.

by **Mighty Jalapeno** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 7:17 pm UTC

japanese_jew wrote:Ha! The Boondock Saints. It was more than a little retarded,

Congratulations, you have just surpassed my hatred of religion and Republicans. That's not easy.

by **schrodingersduck** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 7:45 pm UTC

Augo wrote:Papyrus?!?!?!

I HATE PAPYRUS

I too wish to comment on a minor, nitpicky aspect of the typography of this comic: the words "BEAT UP" would look slightly better if they were centred with the rest of the text, or else both left and right justified at the same time. With the text left-justified only, it no longer looks like a movie poster.

Also, what is with the spine of the of the guy four buildings down hanging from the door - ouch! (I am of course assuming that stick people have vertebrae)

by **The_Toad** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 8:00 pm UTC

uhhhh Snakes on a plane...

beach babes
motercycle
murder death killing
chase
talking
flying
snakes
weed
tits
snakes+tits
snakes+penis
shit hits the fan
snakes pick up shit and throw it at the fan again
jurrasic park crawl scene
mufuckin line in a mufcking movie
kenan lands the plane
ONE LAST SNAKE

by **Teutates** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 8:25 pm UTC

this comic would also make a good flash game.
Imagine a sidescroller-beat'em-up where you start with the view from the comic, enter each house (everything obstructing the view disappears) and beat everyone up, leave the house and go to the next (short animation where the camera progresses one house).
The game gets harder as sometimes you have to fight off police, burglars, wilford brimley, guard dogs and so on.

Simple flash-based game with hiscores.
Would do it myself if I had the time (though I would go with the xkcd style because I can't draw that well. And I don't have flash or know how to use it, so I'd use Java/JOGL instead).

by **japanese_jew** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 8:26 pm UTC

Mighty Jalapeno wrote:
japanese_jew wrote:Ha! The Boondock Saints. It was more than a little retarded,

Congratulations, you have just surpassed my hatred of religion and Republicans. That's not easy.

Are you kidding? Willem Dafoe was great*, but the whole thing with a giant stomping on his back--pure idiocy. I don't think you become a detective by being that stupid. Also, the scene where they're storming that last guy's house (before the . . . uh . . . unnamed dude . . . comes and creams them) had completely miserable and ineffective people. The only even slightly realistic albeit terrible and clichÃ© characters were the mob boss and the guy who told the jokes. And whenever there was interaction between the joke man and the brothers, you thought, "Huh? Wait a second, this can't exist! Those guys aren't real, but this guy is somewhat realistic!" C'mon, the rope scene? It was a little genius, but it was mostly stupid, (none of them hit them? They can't fucking move, they're dangling from a rope.) Killing the cat was sort of funny, but again, joke man was the only realistic part. Fuck-ass wasn't very well acted, either, and the brothers were too chill with the police. Oh, right, and, "lol we noes 7 languages becuz of our mumz." </russian>

C'mon, it was a fun movie, very enjoyable, but simultaneously very retarded. Don't get me wrong, I liked it, but I'm also not misrepresenting it by calling it terrible.

*Proof of Willem Dafoe's Greatness:

Paul Smecker: [after Smecker gets a phone call in bed with his gay lover and slaps him]
Paul Smecker: What are you doing?
Hojo: I just wanted to cuddle.
Paul Smecker: Cuddle? What a fag.

by **Mighty Jalapeno** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 8:29 pm UTC

japanese_jew wrote:
Mighty Jalapeno wrote:
japanese_jew wrote:Ha! The Boondock Saints. It was more than a little retarded,

Congratulations, you have just surpassed my hatred of religion and Republicans. That's not easy.

Are you kidding?

*lists reasons why the movie was hilarious and awesome*

I guess our interpretations differ.

by **japanese_jew** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 8:34 pm UTC

I'm not saying they weren't hilarious, but hilarious in a comedy way and retarded in a serious/action-flick way often go hand in hand.

by **ScottTFrazer** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 8:57 pm UTC

According to Google Trends:

river tam
Hotness: Mild

Now that seems a little mean...

by **AndreGiant** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 9:20 pm UTC

Am I the only one who read the phrase '30 seconds of exposition followed by a perfect 90-minute action scene' and immediately thought of this?

Clive Owen wrote:I'm a British nanny, and I'm dangerous.

Click link. Receive my face. · by **bbctol** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 9:32 pm UTC

AndreGiant wrote:Am I the only one who read the phrase '30 seconds of exposition followed by a perfect 90-minute action scene' and immediately thought of this?

Clive Owen wrote:I'm a British nanny, and I'm dangerous.

Exactly what I was thinking of! Apparently, though, it tries to have a plot. Seriously guys, you have Clive Owen shooting people while jumping out of a plane, and you try to add a plot? Stupid!

I would see this move hundreds and hundreds of times. It needs Tony Jaa, though. And Samuel L. Jackson. And Arnold Schwarzenegger. All as enemies, who River defeats in battles that last ten minutes each, with flying cars and exploding chainsaws. And raptors. And Janeane Gadolfo.

I would so see that movie.

by **AndreGiant** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 9:39 pm UTC

Actually, I was mistaken - Shoot 'Em Up actually starts with senseless violence and then has a bit of exposition in the middle.

Oh, and good news bbctol. I hear that next summer will see the release of Alien vs. Predator vs. Transformers vs. Jason Bourne vs. Terminator vs. half the cast of 300 vs. Agent Smith, on a plane, in space.

Buy your tickets early.

by **Jesse** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 10:24 pm UTC

Jason Bourne would win in seven and a half minutes.

by **Ishindri** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 10:27 pm UTC

I really can't offer any opinions that haven't already been stated, but I'll do it anyway.

EPIC WIN.

Alien vs. Predator vs. Transformers vs. Jason Bourne vs. Terminator vs. half the cast of 300 vs. Agent Smith, on a plane, in space.

River + Burly Brawl = Too much awesome for one movie. It'd have to be split into a trilogy in three-hour installments, al la Lord Of The Rings.

by **Ghona** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 10:41 pm UTC

Who the heck is River Tam?

Click link. Receive my face. · by **bbctol** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 10:44 pm UTC

Ghona wrote:Who the heck is River Tam?

Sacrilege! Blasphemy! You could at least Google it before profaning these fora.

by **Ghona** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 10:53 pm UTC

bbctol wrote:
Ghona wrote:Who the heck is River Tam?

Sacrilege! Blasphemy! You could at least Google it before profaning these fora.

Oh, a Firefly reference. How original. :roll:

I watched a couple episodes. I didn't find it particularly entertaining.

Click link. Receive my face. · by **bbctol** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 10:54 pm UTC

Ghona wrote:Oh, a Firefly reference. How original.

I watched a couple episodes. I didn't find it particularly entertaining.

This is blasphemy!

(wait for it)

This is MADNESS!

by **Jesse** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 10:59 pm UTC

Ghona wrote:
bbctol wrote:
Ghona wrote:Who the heck is River Tam?

Sacrilege! Blasphemy! You could at least Google it before profaning these fora.

Oh, a Firefly reference. How original.

I watched a couple episodes. I didn't find it particularly entertaining.

Luckily you are one of the few readers of this comic who don't like Firefly, so I doubt it'll affect Randy's readership too much.

by **madjo** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:06 pm UTC

Augo wrote:Papyrus?!?!?!

I HATE PAPYRUS

At least it's not Comic Sans *twitch*
I have a colleague who insists on writing official documentation in that disaster of a 'font'.

Also his emails are in Comic Sans, but given that Outlook allows you (as recipient) to edit emails that you have received, that are formatted as rich text. I can make him say all sorts of things. :twisted:

AndreGiant wrote:Oh, and good news bbctol. I hear that next summer will see the release of Alien vs. Predator vs. Transformers vs. Jason Bourne vs. Terminator vs. half the cast of 300 vs. Agent Smith, on a plane, in space.

Buy your tickets early.

Would that movie be filmed in the same sound stage from the movie 300. Then I wouldn't watch. I got claustrophobic, just watching the promos of 300.

by **Chipersoft** » Tue Sep 04, 2007 12:37 am UTC

bbctol wrote:This is blasphemy!

(wait for it)

This is MADNESS!

THIS

IS

FIREFLY!

by **SirOmega** » Tue Sep 04, 2007 1:30 am UTC

CitizenErased wrote:but give me 2 hours of Kaylee any day!

I'll be in my bunk...

(how the hell am I the first one to post that line in a FF thread.... you call yourself fans!

)

by **torritorri** » Tue Sep 04, 2007 1:45 am UTC

AndreGiant wrote: Alien vs. Predator vs. Transformers vs. Jason Bourne vs. Terminator vs. half the cast of 300 vs. Agent Smith, on a plane, in space.

*drools*

Oh, the comic. Loved it. I would go and completely buy out my local Best Buy's stock of that movie. It would be that AWESOME.

EDIT: Totally forgot:

Jesster wrote:Jason Bourne would win in seven and a half minutes.

QFT

by **Drostie** » Tue Sep 04, 2007 2:06 am UTC

I support this comic. I would also support any of the US presidential candidates, if they publicly endorsed this comic at one of those pointless debates.

"Mr. Obama, how do you feel about domestic issues?"
"Well, I feel that domestically, we haven't had enough good action movies..."

by **japanese_jew** » Tue Sep 04, 2007 2:23 am UTC

" . . . but more importantly, I think we should seriously consider devoting a large part of the NSF funding to copying the way that Mr. Munroe's mind works, in order to get xkcd updates on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

by **Euanthes** » Tue Sep 04, 2007 2:53 am UTC

japanese_jew wrote:" . . . but more importantly, I think we should seriously consider devoting a large part of the NSF funding to copying the way that Mr. Munroe's mind works, in order to get xkcd updates on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

That would win my vote.

And just like everyone else, I'd see that.

by **almitydave** » Tue Sep 04, 2007 4:53 am UTC

I'm holding out for Alien vs. Predator vs. Terminator vs. Robocop vs. Velociraptors vs. Neo.

by **space_raptor** » Tue Sep 04, 2007 5:44 am UTC

japanese_jew wrote:
Are you kidding? Willem Dafoe was great*, but the whole thing with a giant stomping on his back--pure idiocy. I don't think you become a detective by being that stupid. Also, the scene where they're storming that last guy's house (before the . . . uh . . . unnamed dude . . . comes and creams them) had completely miserable and ineffective people. The only even slightly realistic albeit terrible and clichÃ© characters were the mob boss and the guy who told the jokes. And whenever there was interaction between the joke man and the brothers, you thought, "Huh? Wait a second, this can't exist! Those guys aren't real, but this guy is somewhat realistic!" C'mon, the rope scene? It was a little genius, but it was mostly stupid, (none of them hit them? They can't fucking move, they're dangling from a rope.) Killing the cat was sort of funny, but again, joke man was the only realistic part. Fuck-ass wasn't very well acted, either, and the brothers were too chill with the police. Oh, right, and, "lol we noes 7 languages becuz of our mumz." </russian>

C'mon, it was a fun movie, very enjoyable, but simultaneously very retarded. Don't get me wrong, I liked it, but I'm also not misrepresenting it by calling it terrible.

Man, movies would be absolutely terrible if you ran things. If everything in movies was completely realistic, they'd be very boring. Why don't people understand this?

Crank was a terrible movie though.

by **podbaydoor** » Tue Sep 04, 2007 6:02 am UTC

This comic may actually motivate me to see Serenity. I only saw insane!River while watching a couple of Firefly episodes. Trailer looks awesome, though.

Alien vs. Predator vs. Transformers vs. Jason Bourne vs. Terminator vs. half the cast of 300 vs. Agent Smith, on a plane, in space.

Yes, please.

Jason Bourne would win in seven and a half minutes.

Not only that, but he would do it with an assortment of ordinary household objects: pens, magazines, washcloths...

by **japanese_jew** » Tue Sep 04, 2007 6:16 am UTC

Man, movies would be absolutely terrible if you ran things. If everything in movies was completely realistic, they'd be very boring. Why don't people understand this?

Crank was a terrible movie though.

It doesn't all have to be realistic, but I'd like to see some measure of consistency. It's like they randomly stuck in people to be comic relief and awkwardly worked the actual characters around them. I love Star Wars, but it's not very realistic. The characters start out highly stereotyped and gradually become more complex. The way I saw it, Luke wasn't anything except earnestly good in the first movie, and then, bang, bitching to Yoda. It's lovely, but people are always complex, they don't just switch around. I'm not complaining.

Sure, it was terrible, stupid plotline, most of the acting wasn't great--but it was consistent, and it kicked much ass. And the ending was epic. The entire movie was almost pure action. The sex scene was action. I damn near got an adrenaline rush from the movie. Was it realistic? Not at all.

by **Malice** » Tue Sep 04, 2007 7:30 am UTC

japanese_jew wrote:Was it realistic? Not at all.

They're making a sequel.

He gets up.

by **LE4dGOLEM** » Tue Sep 04, 2007 9:04 am UTC

I full out lol'd for the first time in days.

xkcd

0311: "Action Movies"

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