YOU WILL REQUIRE:
- * ONE (1) LARGE MOTHER-FUCKIN' POT
* ONE (1) LARGE MOTHER-FUCKIN' SKILLET
* ONE (1) TO ONE AND A HALF (1.5) POUNDS OF YOUR FINEST GROUND BOVINE FLESH
* ONE (1) YELLOW ONION (DICED)
* ONE (1) TO THREE (3) GARLIC CLOVES (DICED FINELY)
* THREE (3) FRESH JALAPEÑOS
* TWO (2) 28 OZ CANS OF STEWED TOMATOES
* ONE (1) 28 OZ CAN OF DICED TOMATOES
* THREE (3) 19 OZ CANS OF BEANS, FUCK I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND DO I LOOK LIKE A BEAN-OLOGIST, OKAY FINE KIDNEY BEANS OR SOMETHING
* BLACK PEPPER
* CRUSHED RED PEPPER
* CHILI POWDER
* GARLIC POWDER
* A GOOD BLENDER
* ONE (1) TO SIX (6) PIE-HOLES (TO SHOVE THE CHILI INTO, YOU INSUFFERABLE CHUCKLEFUCK)
Cut the tops off your jalapeños (pronounced 'jah-lap-enos' for all you yankee fucks); add to stewed tomatoes in your blender. BLEND THAT SHIT. Put it in your large mother-fuckin' pot. Add diced tomatoes to pot. Add (drained) beans to pot. Add garlic powder (to taste) to pot. Add crushed red pepper (to taste; I use several large pinches) to pot. Add chili powder (to taste; I use at least several tablespoons worth) to pot. Stir.
NOW SIMMER THAT SHIT.
Throw your ground bovine flesh into the large mother-fuckin' skillet. Start cooking and breaking it apart. Once the meat starts to brown, throw in your diced onion and finely diced garlic; cook (and stir) until meat is thoroughly brown (and onions are clear and lose their strong flavor). You want the meat to be as loose as possible, so chop and break up any chunks continuously. Add black pepper (to taste) and salt (to taste). Pour this into the large mother-fucking pot (greasy fat and all), then continue to simmer (covered). If you're simmering it right, the ingredients should eventually sink, leaving the top resembling a soup--if you simmer it a little too 'high', it will form a skin on top--just break the skin and turn it down a notch. Stir occasionally. Simmer for at least an hour.
NOW EAT THAT SHIT.
NOTES: I've replaced the beans with different things depending on what's available; I've used red kidney beans (favorite), white kidney beans (I like to mix these with the red), and even chick peas (interesting, although a bit firmer than I'd like). The stewed-versus-diced tomatoes is just for texture (I like some tomato chunks); using all stewed tomatoes (or all diced tomatoes) thoroughly blended doesn't seem to affect the flavor. I avoid tomato cans with lots of added ingredients (though a few, like garlic, celery, and green peppers, are fine). I'm sure you could do this with fresh tomatoes, I just find it more convenient to use canned ones. I've also used canned jalapeños with no discernible difference.
The 'hour simmer' part of the recipe seems to be incredibly important; I'm not sure why, but I've tried it both ways (simmered and unsimmered), and the latter ends up being very bland.
One final note--I've found storing this chili is a cinch, and when reheated, it's just as delicious as if it was fresh. You can freeze it with impunity, heat it back up in a pot, or a microwave--the latter is a little tricky (you'll have to nuke it, stir it, nuke it again, stir it, nuke it again...) but ends up just as good.
Suggestions for improving the recipe--experiments I could try, ways I could make it tastier, spicier, or more interesting--are more than welcome. I'm also interested in a meat-free version, though I'm wary of most meat-substitutes and I'd like to hear from people who know more about it than I do before I give anything a try.