Calvinball!

[The Chosen One]

I really, really want to see what XKCDers will do with this!
Based on the beloved comic, Calvin and Hobbes, the rules are simple:
1) Start your post with the current score. This should be completely and utterly arbitrary.
2) State your action, optionally including a reference to a document, real or fictional, that validates, invalidates, or re-validates any previous action. Your action is encouraged to be as random as possible.
3) All players must wear masks.

Examples:

Score is currently 3 to the left. The Chosen One is in the lead!
I take the ball and run.

Foul Play!
According to section 6 of the 2Ath Edition Dungeon Master's Guide, you need to don your Gloves of BallRunning first!

I don my mask! GO!

[t1mm01994]

The score is currently 2 goldfishes in favor of the reds. I carefully position a chicken to set up for the infamous Calzone-routine.

Unrelated, are you perhaps a kong mod?

[KrO2]

I increase the n+1th team's score by 6, and cartwheel diagonally across the field while shouting "happy happy boom boom swamp swamp swamp."

[The Chosen One]

Unrelated, are you perhaps a kong mod?

Nope, just a lowly lurker-sometimes-poster

The score will return momentarily, when the running total stops running the wrong way.
I hit the buzzer at thirteenth base, signaling my teammates to enter the "flat noodle" formation.

[Max2009]

It is now 1/x time and when we resume play Red Leader will have the icosahedron. The current score is potato salad.

[KrO2]

The score has now gone floof.
I invoke The Rules. Rule 1,990.5 (v) part 3 states that "no sport is less organized than Calvinball." On the strength of that rule, I declare all the teams dissolved except mine. We're winning!

[Chewbaccawacca]

Per the Supreme Emperor Glocenshpiel of the fifteenth heirloom edition of the rulebook, I'm citing the Free Hamburger Clause, the winning team must immediately stop all forward progress to the game and eat 7 hamburgers each. The remaining teams must use this time to brush up on their clarinet solos.

Oh, and free hats!

[orangedragonfire]

A team of combat mathemagicians has just found the score buried deep in the Antarctic, and will start the perilous task of decoding it. Be patient.

I multiply the opposing team(s)(k) by i, and they are now imaginary.

[SlyReaper]

I claim Uxbridge, which opens the main-line primaries for gnid. Plus 4 points to purple teams.

[Radical_Initiator]

The score now has Netherlands in first, Australia in second, and Germany in third, quickly shifting to fourth gear while navigating around Hammerhead. Play now shifts to the team sporting live penguin helmets, wherein I trade three aces for purple, and play then continues to the dealer's cousin, who is still in hospital.

[KrO2]

I threaten the nearest player with a pineapple, in an attempt to force them to remove their mask and forfeit the game. Since I did this while in the "foul play zone" I increase my team's score exponentially and my individual score ackermaniacally.

[cjquines]

I change the rule book with my almighty pen!

The scores are 5 to the Q for the Red Riders and 9^H for the Blue Birds

[KrO2]

I partially unravel the ball and strike it a glancing blow with the thirteenth flagpole. Having bumped the Calvinball thread with my post, I gain e^π Lame Pun points and lose π^e Pun Lameness points.

[orangedragonfire]

The current score is Calvin for Team Calvin and Ball for Team Ball. The rest of the teams are far behind; with only pepper points shared among them.

I proceed to steal the scores, and hide them in a sock.

[wingedocelot]

The score stands at 7, but lies down at 10.

The wormhole has appeared, those without earmuffs are made to eat ice-cream.

[Snark]

Someone has stepped in the super secret Big Bang zone. All scores are reset to infinity.

As leader of the marsupial team, I award bonuses to everyone not currently smoking.

[Arlick]

The score is currently hiding in the eye of the Fishmongers team-captain, causing all thirteen flagpoles to disembowel the nearest penguin.

Mask donned, i strike a player in the knee-cap with a cement hardened fish, gaining an extra shoelace but fouled off for not using an enchanting leopard print thong.

[Mike Rosoft]

The wormhole is still active, connecting the two teams' goal lines; the goalkeepers have accidentally exchanged their spots.

All players lose -NaN points (with the exception of the one currently in the lead, who instead gains +NaN points).

[orangedragonfire]

The score is five foot tall, and seducing the judge.

I use a quote to distract the evil ice-queen:

Necromancy? Oh well, if you insist...

By the dark powers of the moon I command you: Rise, Thread! Rise and do my bidding!

[matt96]

The score is currently tied and gagged on the top of the empire state building, and being held for ransom until someone steps on the hidden knife button in the super secret escape area, and toss a bean bag chair as far as I can for an extra 12+5i points

[careyhammer]

According to the 14^th amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America, I have already won this game.

[Mike Rosoft]

Agreed, but by definition, it's the previous game.

Consulting my next move with the current Calvinball AI champion, I perform the Kingway Bridgeman Pattoons & Eneralda Selkirk's derategorical play. In the meanwhile: to facilitate a fresh start, all scores will be multiplied by a cucumber, which is then divided by a knife.

[Servant-of_Christ]

Rocks fall, everyone dies

(come on, have you guys played munchkin before?)

[cjquines]

Rule 999999.99 of Section IV of part a in the Almighty Amendment of Calvinball states that the previous post is not allowed. I am loading the save file.

The score is infinity divide by pi and e.

[Snark]

The score is depressing and largely irrelevant.

I refer you all to page 3 of the Calvinball Handbook, the Edited Beyond All Recognition edition, which clearly states that no person may join an active game of Calvinball without first deciding which team to join.

I create and subsequently join and elect myself Prime Minister of the (previously mentioned) Marsupial Team. Our mascot is the Bandicoot, as in Crash.

[cjquines]

THHEEEEMES? They weren't destroyed?

Negative 0 for everybody!

[Mike Rosoft]

A fireball explodes in the umpire's booth; the scores perish. (I have nothing to do with the fire, why are you asking? I'm a civilized person!)

I hide my wand of fireballs inside the calvinball.

[orangedragonfire]

The scores resurrect as zombies.

The scores have entered the game as a new team! Since noone else has a score now, they are winning!

[Mike Rosoft]

The score is skeleton to vampire.

I set up a refreshment stand near the 13th base with holy water and mysterious beverages (and a fairly ordinary one for myself).

[cjquines]

Who cares about scores?

They all died according to this amendment.

[Mike Rosoft]

The score has been borrowed by the Bratislava Symphonic Orchestra.

Armed with a bucket of water sand, I advance towards the red hot zone, dodging shreds of burning rubber in the process.

[orangedragonfire]

SCORE!

ACTION!

[Mike Rosoft]

Together with my team, I shift the goalposts towards the (replacement) ball.

GOOOOOAL! All team members gain xkcd points, multiplied by their current score. (Too bad that players are ranked by recursively summing the score's digits, e.g. 39->12->3.)

[Snark]

The score is sqrt(-1) in favor of my imaginary team.

I hide 43rd base behind a tree until someone remembers the super secret password.

[Dr. Diaphanous]

The score is now 60:15.9 to the biggest team, 80 and 5, shintysix to four not out, with royal ace house to beat.

The clock ticks over to 20:33:33 (reference frame unknown) with everything to play for...

I move my knighted Berolina pawn into the touch zone to cover the lines of egress from the 9-pit. Then I activate my Tag power to double the viscosity of the playing field.

[KrO2]

The score is now cheesecake to cheddar. I hurl the Calvinball at the next poster and duck beneath ground level at the ostrich zone.

[Dr. Diaphanous]

The score is now doubling every second.

I catch the Calvinball in my off-hand. According to the Prague interpretation of chapter 19 of the Jan-Peters Rulebook (5th edition), I am now entitled to change my vehicle, so I choose a snowmobile and perform a Clausewitz-B manoeuvre.

[Mike Rosoft]

I climb onto the snowmobile, steal the calvinball, and run with it towards the last base. On my way back I stop at the refreshment stand and drink one of the beverages, before re-joining the game with team Score and adding 372 pennies to my score.

[KrO2]

I force the opposition to sing an improvised silly song and I announce Mornington Crescent. The score is now over. Over six, at least.

[brakos82]

The score is indistinguishable from a bowl of Jell-O after 8 rounds.

Entering the ninth and most definitely not final round, the jury has declared the orange team not guilty of tampering with penguins wearing sombreros. These penguins have taken a 2-minute time penalty for being dunces.