1011: "Baby Names by Frank Zappa"

[B B Bongo]

Some years ago I was perusing the Ministry of the Church's list of officially authorized Danish names. Some of them could be abused by speakers of English to create rather "interesting" girl names:

Lolita Dolly
Lone Ninja
Ganja Joy
Kiss My Fanny

Some boy name combos could be considered less than flattering:

No Dick
Odd Guy
Just Strange

Ninja is now my favorite name for a potential daughter

[DavidRoss]

I was a little disappointed that:

a) No one on this thread yet posted what the significance of the name 'Renesmee' is.

I too was disappointed that an entire 14 minutes went by without anyone posting something. What is wrong with you, world? Does everyone go to sleep at midnight around there?

[hobbitboy]

There was a Teresa Green at my junior high.

[DenverCoder9]

I once new a middle school teacher who had an inordinate number of students named after alcohols. Her theory was that their parents named them after what they were imbibing during conception.

The two I remember were Tequila (pronounced Tuck-while-a) and Jack Daniels.

(Also, I'm totally naming my first born daughter River.)

EDIT: Also, my dad apparently tried to name me Senator, so that I could always get a table at a restaurant.

[gson]

Many diseases would make okay names (well, if you were in Ancient Rome)...
Chlamydia, Septicaemia, and so on...

Not to mention Melena.

[Nyerguds]

I have a friend named Amee.

That just comes from the French "aimée", which means, beloved.

Why would you not go with Fire Fire?

It is downright brilliant

I had a friend in undergrad who insisted that if he ever had a daughter he'd name her "Clitoria."

On the one hand I'm still mildly horrified, on the other curious to see how that would turn out (because if nothing else I figure you should never name a child something you wouldn't feel comfortable shouting at the top of your lungs for a long time from the back porch).

"Tory" for short? :p

6) Boys names shall be one or two syllables, unless the name is usually shortened. Alexanders are usually called Alex. Girls names may be longer because they can handle learning more than one syllable at a time. If you name your child Alexis or Alexandra, don't call her Alex! Cute, yes, but traumatic for boys named Alex!

Dunno, Alex is pretty unisex in my opinion. Can still nickname her Sandra though.

There is a well-known (at least, in musical circles, in South Africa) conductor named Richard Cock. I don't know if that caused him distress growing up, but he's pretty successful now so I guess it's OK.

South African names mostly come from the Netherlands, and "Cock" or "De Cock" are VERY common Dutch names. It's just the Dutch version of "Cook".

[Kick]

I didn't get this comic, but upon reading this thread I learned a bit. Thanks, knowledge being power and all that, I now smiled slightly when I read this comic again.

I had a friend in undergrad who insisted that if he ever had a daughter he'd name her "Clitoria."

On the one hand I'm still mildly horrified, on the other curious to see how that would turn out (because if nothing else I figure you should never name a child something you wouldn't feel comfortable shouting at the top of your lungs for a long time from the back porch).

"Tory" for short? :p

I knew a Tory once...Victoria, but that's normal.

[guruparan18]

I always wanted to ask, and whomsoever I discussed earlier considered me crazy. Let me ask here.

Why not name a child with just numbers? A 6 digit prime number, perhaps 8 digit friendly number?

On the side note, I am thinking, what systems this name could break. Every time, I keep asking, and even more then last time, why not name numbers? I leave it to you guys to ponder. Let me know what numbers you would give an imaginary child. No harm here!

[choginga]

I like stealth bad names. My last name is Shaw. I have a daughter she will be named Sandra Caroline. My son will be Rockwell Cameron.

Sandy C. Shaw and Rocky C. Shaw.

I also always liked the idea of Meg Atron.

[deltaplan]

In France, the Strasbourg hospital has displayed a "top list" of the worst first names for babies born there, month after month...

[Kick]

That is a painful list to read. Although I don't see much wrong with some of them, actually a lot of them, but there are some painfully bad ones in there. I am still tempted to give my child the middle name '); DROP TABLE Students;--, actually no, I'm not tempted to do that...however I do laugh when I think about the possibility.

I don't want to name any children of mine strange names, I was thankful enough to learn I had been named Oliver instead of Olaf.

[Yablo]

I once told my mother that I'd like a son named Formica and a daughter named Travesty. She hit me. She didn't hit my father for trying to name me Treasure and my brother Scavenger even though our last name is Hunt.

Also, a prediction I made a few years ago in a conversation with my brother: With as bad as some people are about saying "lol" or "Gee Willikers" and the like in actual conversation, I wouldn't be surprised if we start seeing names with numbers like Steven2012 or Kelly42 soon.

[PolakoVoador]

I am not Russian, but we learned about this in Russian class. Russian "nicknames" (the word is not the best translation for this concept, but I don't know another one) are similar to diminutives (something that English lacks completely). It is what parents and grandparents call a child. They are often even longer than the original name. The idea is not to shorten it, but to express familiarity. E.g. Pjotr -> Petruscha (German transliteration).

Thanks! Now I remember I quickly met a guy called "Misha", wich I never learned his true name, but following the idea you gave, it should be something like Mikhail, I guess.

[J L]

Any relevance to the other names on the list? Astamouthe ...? Fire Fire ...?

Pronounce both out loud

*facepalm*

Thanks!!

[mcv]

I think the dumbest name would be "Name." Imagine all the scenarios, e.g. cop stops girl:
What's your name?
Name.
Right. What is it?
Name.

I used to know a guy called Anders. Pretty normal Swedish name, I believe, but in Dutch it means "other" or "different" or "something else". So at parties when someone would ask for his name, he'd say: "Guess", and hilarity would ensue.

[mcv]

There is a well-known (at least, in musical circles, in South Africa) conductor named Richard Cock. I don't know if that caused him distress growing up, but he's pretty successful now so I guess it's OK.

South African names mostly come from the Netherlands, and "Cock" or "De Cock" are VERY common Dutch names. It's just the Dutch version of "Cook".

True, but still, with a last name like that, you might not want to name your son "Dick".

[mcv]

John is a shortening of Jonathan.

Are you really sure? I was under the impression that John was the English version of Johannes, as in the apostle. I never had the impression Johannes and Jonathan were the same name.

Jack is the dimunitive of the archaic Jakin.

Is it not short for James, which seems to be the English version of Jacobus (again an apostle), also Jacob, Jaap or Jacques in some languages?

If not, then how did the English names of the biblical apostles get so messed up?

[Jamaican Castle]

Is it not short for James, which seems to be the English version of Jacobus (again an apostle), also Jacob, Jaap or Jacques in some languages?

If not, then how did the English names of the biblical apostles get so messed up?

I've never known anyone who went by Jack in place of James, though that's hardly proof.
It wouldn't be unheard of for there to have been an existing name that sounded "close enough" to the Biblical name and the two were conflated. Or, they could have flat-out changed the name, which certainly happened enough in all the translating that went on.
Or, it could be that Jack and whatever it was "originally" short for did indeed sound alike, and centuries of linguistic drift have split them apart.

[lesmith11]

Everytime my grandparents had a girl the mother tried to call it Priscilla... Luckily granddad refused and they all had good biblical names instead

[AvatarIII]

Is it not short for James, which seems to be the English version of Jacobus (again an apostle), also Jacob, Jaap or Jacques in some languages?

If not, then how did the English names of the biblical apostles get so messed up?

I've never known anyone who went by Jack in place of James, though that's hardly proof.
It wouldn't be unheard of for there to have been an existing name that sounded "close enough" to the Biblical name and the two were conflated. Or, they could have flat-out changed the name, which certainly happened enough in all the translating that went on.
Or, it could be that Jack and whatever it was "originally" short for did indeed sound alike, and centuries of linguistic drift have split them apart.

My half brother is called James, his wife calls him Jack, so it does happen.

[uildaan]

Is it not short for James, which seems to be the English version of Jacobus (again an apostle), also Jacob, Jaap or Jacques in some languages?

If not, then how did the English names of the biblical apostles get so messed up?

I've never known anyone who went by Jack in place of James, though that's hardly proof.
It wouldn't be unheard of for there to have been an existing name that sounded "close enough" to the Biblical name and the two were conflated. Or, they could have flat-out changed the name, which certainly happened enough in all the translating that went on.
Or, it could be that Jack and whatever it was "originally" short for did indeed sound alike, and centuries of linguistic drift have split them apart.

My half brother is called James, his wife calls him Jack, so it does happen.

Never heard that but have heard James -> Jim.

Another odd English one is demonstrated by Prince Harry or rather Prince Henry. Same number of letters and syllables so its not much of a shortening

[billyswong]

Maybe because I am not native speaker of English nor any European language (My mother tongue is Cantonese, and I live in a Han characters world), I have absolutely no idea what's wrong with Renesmee...

Can anybody here tell me what so wrong/funny is it?

[Gear]

Maybe because I am not native speaker of English nor any European language (My mother tongue is Cantonese, and I live in a Han characters world), I have absolutely no idea what's wrong with Renesmee...

Can anybody here tell me what so wrong/funny is it?

First, it was the name of a character from Twilight, so it automatically gets points off for this.

Then there's (at least for me) the question of how the hell do you pronounce that?

[Fire Brns]

...
Or, it could be that Jack and whatever it was "originally" short for did indeed sound alike, and centuries of linguistic drift have split them apart.

^this, languages are not the best preservatives. Alex and Sosha don't sound like the same name.

My last name is a spit in the face to consistency, it's root is from hebrew yaakov but 2 millenia and Italy produced a word that sounds nothing like it.

[dp2]

Real names I've come across:

Candy Hart
Mary Poppins
Light Rock

[Monika]

No, YOU are the one missing MY point. I never said what you are accusing me of saying. All the AAAHHHH THUMPY WOOBLE HARRRRRPINK!! in the world can't turn a name like Female or Shithead into an acceptable name. When a parent makes up a name off the top of his/her head, or uses a word he/she didn't understand just because it sounds nice, and it turns out to be a disaster name, then that's funny. And if the name-giver refuses to change the name once the flaw is pointed out, THAT is evidence of gross stupidity, and THAT is the problem.

You still didn't get it. No child has ever been named Shithead, Shi-thead or Shi'thead. White people made this up. "Look, black parents are so stupid!" Please read the explanation in this 2007 Snopes article (not the same one as the Le-a one) http://www.snopes.com/racial/language/names.asp

I also have doubts about girls being named Female. It's not a terrible name and not as unlikely as Shi['|-]thead, but I have never seen proof beyond "I knew someone with this name", which could very well mean "a friend told me s/he knew a woman with this name", which in turn could mean "a friend who read this in a chain mail claimed s/he knew a woman with this name".

but you might want to read the book Freakonomics anyway.

I have read Freakonomics. You have read Freakonomics. You may want to reread it or reassess the conclusions you drew from it. Freakonomics says: Black parents are likely to give their daughters unique names. Black parents are also likely to give their daughters word names like "Chastity". I have to reread the book to see what exactly it said about poor parents. As far as I remember Freakonomics did not compare the rate of unusual child names for black rich parents, black poor parents, white rich parents and white poor parents.

Adults with black-sounding names have disadvantages later in life. Studies showed that the same job application and resume with a black-sounding name is rated worse by white potential employers than the exact same application and resume with a white-sounding name. So what conclusion should be drawn from this? Should black people go to job interviews with a bag over their head and gloves?

I don't want to name any children of mine strange names, I was thankful enough to learn I had been named Oliver instead of Olaf.

Nothing wrong with Olaf, I had classmates with that name. Okay, I guess it's not so common in English-speaking countries.

[AvatarIII]

Is it not short for James, which seems to be the English version of Jacobus (again an apostle), also Jacob, Jaap or Jacques in some languages?

If not, then how did the English names of the biblical apostles get so messed up?

I've never known anyone who went by Jack in place of James, though that's hardly proof.
It wouldn't be unheard of for there to have been an existing name that sounded "close enough" to the Biblical name and the two were conflated. Or, they could have flat-out changed the name, which certainly happened enough in all the translating that went on.
Or, it could be that Jack and whatever it was "originally" short for did indeed sound alike, and centuries of linguistic drift have split them apart.

My half brother is called James, his wife calls him Jack, so it does happen.

Never heard that but have heard James -> Jim.

Another odd English one is demonstrated by Prince Harry or rather Prince Henry. Same number of letters and syllables so its not much of a shortening

Yeah, I'd never heard of it either except that one, on-going, occurrence, John is often "shortened" to Jack,

[PolakoVoador]

Everytime my grandparents had a girl the mother tried to call it Priscilla... Luckily granddad refused and they all had good biblical names instead

What's wrong with Priscila? It's a very normal and quite common brazilian name

[Sprocket]

Apparently, Renesmee is the name of a character from Twilight.

Dear Randall, stop teaching me things I don't want to know.

[jpers36]

Are you really sure? I was under the impression that John was the English version of Johannes, as in the apostle. I never had the impression Johannes and Jonathan were the same name.

Either/or. John can be a given name in itself as the English version of Johannes, or it can be a nickname for someone with the given name of Jonathan.

Is [Jack] not short for James, which seems to be the English version of Jacobus (again an apostle), also Jacob, Jaap or Jacques in some languages?

Jim is usually used as a nickname for James. Saint James in an English Bible is the same person as Saint Jacques in a French Bible, but a more accurate transliteration of the name would really be Jacob, which is common in English-speaking cultures. And the usual nickname for Jacob is Jake.

If not, then how did the English names of the biblical apostles get so messed up?

I have no idea. Maybe King James, who sponsored the first widespread English-language Bible, wanted to legitimize his name as a "Christian" one? This could be checked by taking a look at a pre-AV English bible, such as Wycliffe.

[jpers36]

I have no idea. Maybe King James, who sponsored the first widespread English-language Bible, wanted to legitimize his name as a "Christian" one? This could be checked by taking a look at a pre-AV English bible, such as Wycliffe.

I just checked, and Wycliffe uses James:

http://wesley.nnu.edu/fileadmin/importe ... fe/Jam.txt

[0zymandias]

A friend of mine from Alabama has an acquaintance by the name of "Shabumpdatquita"

I can't hold back the laughter every time he says it out loud.

[dmm]

Betsy is short for Elizabeth, not Margaret. Did you mean Peg/Peggy/Meg? Those are short for Margaret.

I knew a woman named Margaret, and she went by Betsy. I assumed that was correct. The web says you are right. If I meet her again, should I tell her?
Also found, in my "research," that Nancy is a nickname for Ann. Sounds stupid, until you go Ann-->Nan (anagram)-->Nannie-->Nancy.

[dmm]

Everytime my grandparents had a girl the mother tried to call it Priscilla... Luckily granddad refused and they all had good biblical names instead

What's wrong with Priscila? It's a very normal and quite common brazilian name

I hope lesmith11 is joking. Priscilla is a Biblical name.

[rhhardin]

Norgestrel is a nice girl's name, Armstrong and Getty suggest, is you're affected by the birth control pill recall.

[netwebber]

The best of those I know personally:

First name: Learned. Last name: Foote. (After the famous jurist Learned Hand)

First name: Alexis. Last name: Benz. (A Lexus Benz) At least she's not "Mercedes," which by itself is not too uncommon.

I also know an American couple who moved to Israel and would rather their children not move back to the U.S., but wanted everyone to retain their American citizenship (for American passports, in case the State of Israel is destroyed, etc.). They all have normal Israeli names, with the last name "Berkowicz" (spelling changed to protect the guilty).

They tried not giving one child a first name when they applied for a passport. The State Department rejected the application, so they named him "Just." Get it? No first name, "Just Berkowicz."

Second child: First name: Berkowicz. Middle name: James. Full name: Berkowicz. James Berkowicz.

They weren't quite as cruel/cool with their daughter. They named her Ophelia. At least that's Shakespearean like "Portia."

[carega]

seems like randy forgot meganiwantomilkyou as one of the names for his daughter.

Also #5 WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

[PolakoVoador]

Everytime my grandparents had a girl the mother tried to call it Priscilla... Luckily granddad refused and they all had good biblical names instead

What's wrong with Priscila? It's a very normal and quite common brazilian name

I hope lesmith11 is joking. Priscilla is a Biblical name.

Is it? My knowlegde of english biblical names is not very good

[Carteeg_Struve]

[sound of record scratch] has to be the greatest name of a baby I have ever heard (with the possible exception of "Stormaggedon, Dark Lord of All". However the trick will be getting the child and everyone else to verbally pronounce the name correctly every time. Do that, and you're gold.

[Ronsonic]

Beyond the Idiocracy-like product names there are options like Cosmolene and Linolea.

Some years ago there was a study that, according to the headlines, showed widespread racism in hiring. The study used a bunch of recent college graduate resumes off the internet and randomly matched them to racially identifiable names from hospital records from the appropriate time. And yes, overall, the "black" names got fewer calls from employers. What was interesting was reading the actual results that showed black employers just as discriminating / discriminatory as white. Then when you get to the raw numbers - Ebony did as well as Heather, it was Quan'esha who couldn't get date and was dragging down the average for the side. Same for the guys, nobody was calling D'Andre while Tyrone was hanging with Tyler and Jeremy.

Now maybe it's still unfair, employers can't know that Quintalisha is ghetto, but they can be pretty sure her mom was.