xkcd

by **Randomizer** » Sat Feb 11, 2012 6:33 am UTC

Granted. The statistics job thoroughly satisfies all of your mathematically sensitive erogenous zones. However, you soon find that experience to be an outlier.

I wish that fruit trees will be planted throughout cities in the United States and around the world, thus lessening our dependence on distant farms for our food supply.

by **Kick** » Sat Feb 11, 2012 8:19 am UTC

Randomizer wrote:Granted. The statistics job thoroughly satisfies all of your mathematically sensitive erogenous zones. However, you soon find that experience to be an outlier.

I wish that fruit trees will be planted throughout cities in the United States and around the world, thus lessening our dependence on distant farms for our food supply.

Granted, now no one thinks fruit is necessary and contracts scurvy. We all die.

I wish the drinking age was 18.

by **RollingHead** » Sat Feb 11, 2012 7:00 pm UTC

Granted. The sixteen year olds who are no longer allowed to drink are furious and they know it's all your fault.

I wish for an umbrella.

by **someguy12345** » Sun Feb 12, 2012 11:05 pm UTC

Granted. And to make it more useful, you will be pelted with boulders that, hopefully, the umbrella will save you from.

I wish for an instant and painless death.

by **Randomizer** » Mon Feb 13, 2012 1:51 am UTC

Granted. But it comes after decades and decades of a drawn-out, pain-filled life.

I wish that the world's leaders would not start, or try to start, World War III.

by **Gypped** » Mon Feb 13, 2012 2:11 am UTC

Granted, but everyone forgets how to count and we have World War IV.

I wish I wasn't as distracted by the Internet.

by **Radical_Initiator** » Mon Feb 13, 2012 2:36 am UTC

Granted, but now you're distracted by everyone else talking about the internet.

I wish I could concentrate and be more productive at work.

by **Evengeduld** » Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:14 am UTC

Granted, you are now more able to concentrate on procrastinating some more

I wish that it would stop snowing here

by **someguy12345** » Tue Feb 14, 2012 8:47 pm UTC

Granted. It starts hailing instead. For all eternity.

I wish I wasn't so depressed.

by **Chewbaccawacca** » Tue Feb 14, 2012 10:03 pm UTC

Granted. You are now boundlessly exuberant and everyone is really annoyed with you for it.

I wish a had a formal black suit.

by **adfes** » Tue Feb 14, 2012 10:07 pm UTC

Granted, but its only fit on a very very short person

I wish for an awesome wedding cake.

by **madjo** » Wed Feb 15, 2012 2:57 pm UTC

Granted, it's a beautiful layered cake. Too bad they used starch instead of dough to make it.

I wish I knew what the hell I'm doing.

by **RollingHead** » Wed Feb 15, 2012 8:17 pm UTC

Granted, you are working towards your own catastrophic demise and there's nothing you can do about it.

I wish for a less annoying roommate.

by **gallifrey** » Wed Feb 15, 2012 9:21 pm UTC

Granted, now your roommate is fine, and YOU are the annoying one. They kick you out because they can't stand it.

I wish I could find a good scary movie to watch.

by **someguy12345** » Thu Feb 16, 2012 1:05 am UTC

Granted. The movie permanently scars you, and you can never go near a computer again.

I wish I knew how to be happy.

by **mathgeek17** » Thu Feb 16, 2012 9:47 pm UTC

Granted, too bad you don't have the means to be happy.

I wish I would get into symphonic band.

by **Col. Mustard** » Fri Feb 17, 2012 7:39 am UTC

Granted: You now play the triangle.

I wish I could play the triangle.

by **bug sniper** » Fri Feb 17, 2012 9:02 pm UTC

Granted. You can now play with the impossible triangle, the one from http://newopticalillusions.blogspot.com/2009/08/new-optical-illusions-impossible.html. But doing so will cause your fingers to twist themselves into pretzels.

I wish for SCP-155 so that I can perform my near-infinitely complex calculations on the cube-shaped computer of unbounded performance.

by **thorgold** » Wed Feb 22, 2012 4:48 am UTC

You get SCP-155, and [DaTA EXxXpuNG%@!#^&**16&&@K RrEality Fai$%e ev(nt [DATA EXPUNGED BY ORDER OF O5 COMMAND].

I wish for unrestricted access to SCP-914 and a warehouse full of items to test with.

by **madjo** » Fri Feb 24, 2012 3:37 pm UTC

Granted, but one of the gears is missing.

I wish that for a nice holiday.

by **Igidich** » Fri Feb 24, 2012 4:52 pm UTC

Granted. One of the gears is missing from a nice holiday.

I wish I could manipulate a pencil with my toes.

by **warbaker** » Sun Feb 26, 2012 8:02 pm UTC

Granted, but orangutans have a tough time getting access to paper.

I wish I didn't need to sleep.

by **jonachin** » Sun Feb 26, 2012 9:30 pm UTC

warbaker wrote:Granted, but orangutans have a tough time getting access to paper.

I wish I didn't need to sleep.

granted, but oh! the crippling loneliness when you're awake and everyone else is asleep.

I wish pigs were entirely made of bacon instead of just partially so.

by **Millumi** » Tue Feb 28, 2012 4:01 am UTC

Granted, all the pigs in the world turn into pure bacon, but after a while the meat goes bad, and the world runs out of bacon, with no way to breed more pigs. The world is left forever without bacon.

I wish all my current and future homework for college was done.

by **jonachin** » Tue Feb 28, 2012 5:02 am UTC

Millumi wrote:Granted, all the pigs in the world turn into pure bacon, but after a while the meat goes bad, and the world runs out of bacon, with no way to breed more pigs. The world is left forever without bacon.

I wish all my current and future homework for college was done.

granted! but, the (only) hot (only) girl in your statistics class was going to ask you to help her with her homework tomorrow. wink wink, nudge nudge, catch my drift?

I wish I were a voxel.

by **SchighSchagh** » Tue Feb 28, 2012 4:09 pm UTC

Granted. <sarcasm>Enjoy being a voxel.</sarcasm>

I wish to win a multi-million dollar jackpot IRL which I don't have to share with other winners and/or IRS.

by **jonachin** » Tue Feb 28, 2012 4:38 pm UTC

SchighSchagh wrote:Granted. <sarcasm>Enjoy being a voxel.</sarcasm>

I wish to win a multi-million dollar jackpot IRL which I don't have to share with other winners and/or IRS.

granted! but you do this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMyk7MXsseg

I wish the next poster quoting me meets a nice person, gets married, and starts a small family.

by **The Scyphozoa** » Tue Feb 28, 2012 7:50 pm UTC

Granted. Someone writes what you say on a poster and hangs it on a wall. Some freak with a paper fetish attempts to fornicate with it, and unfortunately it works, leading to half-human half-paper monsters running around the world now.

I wish there were no such thing as hiccups.

by **someguy12345** » Wed Feb 29, 2012 6:37 am UTC

Granted. Now, instead of getting hiccups, people suffocate and die instead.

I wish I was the ruler of Hell.

by **madjo** » Wed Feb 29, 2012 1:03 pm UTC

Granted, but nobody ever listens to you and the devil is laughing at you.

I wish for a nice holiday

by **someguy12345** » Wed Feb 29, 2012 10:30 pm UTC

Granted. Tomorrow is a nice holiday, but your boss is mean and will force you to go to work on that day anyway. After you finish work, everyone else you meet ceaselessly taunts you on what a nice holiday it was. This continues every year until you die.

I wish for a chandelier to fall on the head of my worst enemy, and for me to witness it without getting hurt.

by **SchighSchagh** » Thu Mar 01, 2012 1:28 am UTC

Granted. Your enemy always brought out the best in you. Now that he is dead, you have nothing to drive you, so you slowly fade into nothingness.

I wish my eyes were perfectly healthy, all the time.

by **madjo** » Thu Mar 01, 2012 4:39 pm UTC

You now have 20-20 vision. Too bad you're in a 1meter x 1meter cell with only brick walls to look at.

I wish for my bike to be fixed and not stolen.

by **someguy12345** » Thu Mar 01, 2012 10:11 pm UTC

Granted. Your bike is being fixed by a complete fool who has no idea what he is doing, and cannot tell the difference between glue and plastic explosive.

I wish Ukraine stopped conscripting people into the army so that I could go back there.

by **Randomizer** » Fri Mar 02, 2012 7:41 am UTC

Granted. The United States starts conscripting Ukrainian citizens instead.

I wish for increased investment in improving energy efficiency technologies so that we don't have to use as much fuel/power to run the world.

by **madjo** » Fri Mar 02, 2012 1:06 pm UTC

Granted, but the manufacturing of those items is 10 times more harmful to the planet than the previous 'non-green' appliances.

I wish I was a bird.

by **Azrael001** » Fri Mar 02, 2012 7:19 pm UTC

Granted, a cat eats you. You die.

”I wish to live in the locations of my choice, in a physically healthy, uninjured, and apparently normal version of my desired body containing my current mental state, a body which will heal from all injuries at a rate three sigmas faster than the average given the medical technology available to me, and which will be protected from any diseases, injuries or illnesses causing disability, pain, or degraded functionality or any sense, organ, or bodily function for more than ten days consecutively or fifteen days in any year; at any time I may rejuvenate my body to a younger age, by saying a phrase matching this pattern five times without interruption, and with conscious intent: 'I wish to be age,’ followed by a number between one and two hundred, followed by ‘years old,’ at which point the pattern ends - after saying a phrase matching that pattern, my body will revert to an age matching the number of years I started and I will commence to age normally from that stage, with all of my memories intact; at any time I may die, by saying five times without interruption, and with conscious intent, 'I wish to be dead’; the terms 'year' and 'day' in this wish shall be interpreted as the ISO standard definitions of the Earth year and day as of 2012.

by **someguy12345** » Sat Mar 03, 2012 1:19 am UTC

Randomizer wrote:Granted. The United States starts conscripting Ukrainian citizens instead.

Well, that's okay, because I'm in Canada.
Sucks to be those Ukrainian people in the United States, what with all the conscription going on. Glad I'm not there.

Anyway,

Azrael001 wrote:<INSERT WISH HERE>

Granted. You live in the location of your choice, but it turns out you did not make a very good choice in location. When your abilities are discovered, people start to freak out. They then figure out that to kill you, they must gag you so that you cannot say anything, and decapitate you, since that injury will never heal, and three sigmas faster than never is still never. They deliberately take 6 days to saw your head off so that you will feel the pain longer.

I wish my house was clean, and everything was neatly organized, without anything being stolen or lost.

by **Byrel** » Sat Mar 03, 2012 8:34 am UTC

Granted. In an uncharacteristic spurt of generosity, you freely give all your worldly possessions (and any you happen to have stolen) to the needy.

I wish my homework did itself perfectly, and imparted the knowledge osmoticly when I sleep.

by **someguy12345** » Wed Mar 07, 2012 5:12 am UTC

Granted. 50 years after the supposed time when you should graduate high school, your homework does itself, and implants the knowledge as your beaten, wretched, and miserable body sleeps on the cold sidewalk in the street.

I wish no one paid any attention to birthdays, and that the creation and purchase of all birthday cakes was abolished. I can't stand those attention-seekers anymore.

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