xkcd

by **Evengeduld** » Fri Feb 24, 2012 7:23 am UTC

Those scientists turn out to be Raptor-scientists so you are now alone in space with a bunch of raptors. Good Luck

After being devoured for a few times I now have Immunity against raptor bites

by **orangedragonfire** » Fri Feb 24, 2012 8:59 am UTC

After being unable to devour you for a few times, the raptors develop a counter to your immunity - instead of biting you, they eat you with knives and forks.

I get a friendly basilisk to help me out by turning all the raptors to stone. In order to avoid seeing the basilisk myself, I cover my eyes with a scarf.

by **madjo** » Fri Feb 24, 2012 3:27 pm UTC

because you were blinded by your scarf, you fell of a nearby cliff, right in the open mouth of the raptor that was looking up, he's happy with the meal from the sky.

I kill the raptors with my bad jokes.

by **An Enraged Platypus** » Sat Feb 25, 2012 10:26 pm UTC

One of the raptors has worse taste in jokes than you. At the end of your set he blinks slowly and says:

"Ask me if I am a tree?"

You ask him, heedful of his ability to eviscerate you bodily.

"A- are you a t-tree?"

He delivers his reply just as the first talon disembowels you:

Spoiler:

I disguise myself as Big Bird and hide on the set of Sesame Street.

by **SchighSchagh** » Sun Feb 26, 2012 8:11 am UTC

You climb into a Raptor's mouth disguised as a Big Bird disguise.

I join a circus and master every trick, then invent a few new trickses nobody else can perform. The raptors can't afford to eat me for there is nobody more entertaining than me to replace me.

by **eculc** » Tue Feb 28, 2012 2:19 pm UTC

The raptors aren't impressed. they eat you.

I drive to alaska. the raptors are cold-blooded, so they will freeze before they get to me.

by **SchighSchagh** » Tue Feb 28, 2012 3:57 pm UTC

You drive recklessly throughout the day and night hoping against all hope to get away from your Raptor overlords. Your Check Engine light has been defiently starying you down for most of the trip. As you approach the Canadian border, you start getting a glimmer of hope that your plan might actually succeed. As you round a corner in your sleep-deprived, crazed flight, you car slides to a stop near the top of a hill for your engine finally burst into flames. You immediatly realize you must ditch the car lest you go up in flames with it, but you panic and commence running around it in circles. The car starts slowly slipping back down the hill, and the next thing you know is you are racing towards a firey death with a 2 ton metal fireball hot on your heels. You want to dash to the side, but the one-lone road you were driving on is surrounded by cliffs on both sides. As you start running more and more out of breath, your pulse skyrockets to 240bpm out of both fear and exertion. As a final, defiant act you decide you would rather throw yourself into the flames than give the Raptors the satisfaction of capturing you alive. Just as you scream your last agonizing scream, your fiery deathbed delivers you to the bottom of the hill where a small pack of Raptors eagerly await their tasty barbeque.

I bore the raptors to death with my terrible stories.

by **madjo** » Wed Feb 29, 2012 12:13 pm UTC

Apparently you tried to bore some deaf raptors. They eat you instead.

I have developed mind control powers. I can control any mind in my vicinity. But it's an automatic thing, that also does this while I'm sleeping.

by **orangedragonfire** » Wed Feb 29, 2012 1:59 pm UTC

The Raptors use ranged weapons against you.

I use ranged weapons against the raptors.

by **SchighSchagh** » Thu Mar 01, 2012 1:30 am UTC

You find out why crossbows are notorious for back-firing.

I am Emperor Kahless the Unforgettable with Lady Lukara at my side!

by **madjo** » Thu Mar 01, 2012 4:37 pm UTC

The raptors thought that Emperor Kahless taste was rather forgettable. And Lady Lukara was out of luck. They have captured you and locked you up in an ice box to keep you fresh. Slowly, you freeze to death.

My friend Superman will help destroy this plague of raptors.

by **eculc** » Thu Mar 01, 2012 6:18 pm UTC

unfortunately, he's too busy saving everyone else to save you. the raptors eat you before he can stop them.

I inject myself with raptor poison and carry around a sign that says "Do not eat-poisonous to raptors" in whatever language raptors happen to speak.

by **madjo** » Fri Mar 02, 2012 1:08 pm UTC

The one illiterate raptor in the group decides to just eat you instead. That raptor is killed, when you have long been digested. Hope you had a nice life.

I start playing noises that make raptors' heads explode when they hear it.

by **orangedragonfire** » Fri Mar 02, 2012 3:02 pm UTC

Apparently you don't know just how dangerous explosions are. The heads of the raptors close to you explode, and you die in the blast.

I cover my eyes. If I can't see them, surely they can't see me either.

by **Kromix** » Mon Mar 05, 2012 9:42 pm UTC

they rape you, you open your eyes from the surprise, you get eaten...

i win by winning! again...

by **orangedragonfire** » Mon Mar 05, 2012 9:46 pm UTC

They eat you by eating you... again... with onions.

I craftily disguise someone else as a raptor. Naturally the raptors will assume that I am trying to hide from them by pretending to be a raptor, and spend their time trying to find out who among them is the traitor. Meanwhile, I escape to the a tropical island in a helicopter.

by **Kromix** » Mon Mar 05, 2012 9:55 pm UTC

no, you eaten by raptors get the....

i fail failing therefore win!

by **Odd_nonposter** » Tue Mar 06, 2012 4:29 am UTC

Fails of fails do not win. A displeased philosoraptor eats you.

I present a flawless mathematical proof of my nonexistence in the realm of velociraptors.

by **Kromix** » Tue Mar 06, 2012 9:59 pm UTC

you are proven wrong by spockoraptor and disproves you, he eats you...

i hide inside a raptor inside a raptor...

by **orangedragonfire** » Thu Mar 08, 2012 10:37 pm UTC

... do you know what happens to you inside raptors? You get digested. That's what happens. So there.

I suddenly learn to ignore gravity, and fly off to a better world without raptors.

by **Kromix** » Thu Mar 15, 2012 8:47 pm UTC

you get digested.

I suddenly learn to ignore gravity, and fly off to a better world without raptors.

by **Snark** » Fri Mar 16, 2012 2:51 pm UTC

You forgot to provide a method for breathing in outer space. You fall, unconscious, back to earth. And you can guess what happens next:

Spoiler:

I hire lady raptors to seduce the males. While they're otherwise occupied, I sit comfortably in my house eating Poptarts.

by **orangedragonfire** » Fri Mar 16, 2012 5:25 pm UTC

The raptors are seduced, and eager to please their new mates. They drag you from your house and present you to the lady raptors as a gift. You are then eaten. The end.

I point out to the raptors that eating me is against their new diet plans, since I contain too many calories.

by **Theoneandonly1040** » Fri Mar 16, 2012 11:43 pm UTC

The raptors just burn off the straight calories while running around so have no problem eating you.

I escape with doctor who on the tardis and hide in the time vortex with unlimited food, water and such. I then acquire the ability to use sai'din from the wheel of time series (obviously untainted) and set up wards that they will Balefire (destroys things before the event) the raptors ( or any other enemy) if the come near me (but will not damage the tardis) I also re-write and protect Wikipedia in such a maner so that sai'din cannot be disproven. Also the doctor is shown the need for this setup so he will not turn on me.

by **orangedragonfire** » Sun Mar 18, 2012 12:29 am UTC

The raptors (having gained control of most copy-righted material), sue you for using their property. They then rewrite the canon of both Harry Potter and Doctor Who to include fatal weaknesses in your plan. The tardis promptly crashes, leaving you fried in its wreck. Raptors arrive to eat you.

I use appropriate tropes to gain immortality.

by **madjo** » Mon Mar 19, 2012 1:44 pm UTC

You got stuck on tvtropes before you reached the trope about immortality. You die while reading all about the Magnificent Moustaches of Mexico

I start eating raptors.

by **Kromix** » Thu Mar 22, 2012 1:52 pm UTC

eat raptors you get die

win get from us in raptor

by **Badion** » Fri Mar 30, 2012 5:34 pm UTC

Raptors, having spoken native english their whole lives, do not understand you at all and eat you out of aggravation.

I go to the moon...where raptors do not exist.

by **careyhammer** » Fri Mar 30, 2012 11:05 pm UTC

Raptors follow you to the moon, and then eat you.

I kidnap the Secretary of Defense, steal his plane, take off, and make him enter the launch codes to release the entire nuclear arsenal, destroying all life on earth. I then fly until i run out of fuel. (I hope the NSA is not watching this forum)

by **Badion** » Mon Apr 02, 2012 6:23 pm UTC

Moon raptors see this happen and hunt you down and kill you for just being a huge jerk. But don't worry, they don't know you and you are not a jerk. :wink:

I give the Raptors sandwiches in hopes of satisfying their appetites for both hunger and killing.

by **LOLBeth** » Wed Apr 04, 2012 3:45 am UTC

The raptors eat the jelly sandwiches but don't like the peanut butter and ham. They substitute slices of you for the ham. Mmm.

I cunningly conceal myself in the middle of rush-hour traffic on the interstate. Those raptors will never reach me here!

by **eculc** » Wed Apr 04, 2012 4:08 pm UTC

you get stuck in traffic, and eventually the raptors kill all of the humans behind you. Then they eat you.

I make some antimatter. whenever raptors get close, I throw some antimatter at them and they asplode.

by **Badion** » Wed Apr 04, 2012 4:13 pm UTC

Raptors mortar you from a safe distance and kill you.

I build an invisibility cloak that never malfunctions and is self contained. I active it and hide from the raptors.

by **careyhammer** » Wed Apr 04, 2012 10:33 pm UTC

They can still smell you. They eat you. Yum!

I get into my starship and pull away at maximum warp.

by **Badion** » Thu Apr 05, 2012 2:23 pm UTC

You discover a planet that is near perfect. You land and harvest parts of your ship for resources. Unbeknownst to you there are intergalactic space raptors harvesting the resources on this planet and they think your intrusion is unforgivable. They eat you.

I give up to the raptors. Running seems futile.

by **Mike Rosoft** » Fri Apr 06, 2012 9:01 pm UTC

Raptors give up on eating you; they just kill you instead.

I transform all raptors into humans.

by **eculc** » Sat Apr 07, 2012 12:15 am UTC

the human-raptors transform themselves and most other humans into raptors. then, they eat the rest, including you.

I buy a shotgun with the words "Raptor-B-Gone" painted on the stock. I use it to defend myself from the raptors.

by **careyhammer** » Mon Apr 09, 2012 1:34 pm UTC

Raptors laugh at your puny gun and eat you.

I cover myself in raptor poison.

by **Badion** » Mon Apr 09, 2012 5:27 pm UTC

Through tedious amounts of testing and many failures the raptors have discovered that your raptor poison causes cancer in humans. They hold a rally and and beg you to take it off. Several of them go on a hunger strike until you take off the raptor poison. But your fear of being eaten by raptors, which is well founded, causes you to be stubborn. You die of a cancer. The raptros cleanse your body, hold a service to remember you and then chow down on that meat.

I become a cyborg and begin to hunt the Raptors.

by **Metazoan** » Mon Apr 09, 2012 7:26 pm UTC

You find them.

They eat you.

I lure them into my garden shed.

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