xkcd

by **Randomizer** » Wed Mar 07, 2012 5:37 am UTC

Granted. In fact, all attention-seeking is abolished world-wide, as nobody cares to celebrate anything, nor interact with other human beings in general anymore.

I wish that I was fluent in several foreign languages.

by **Byrel** » Wed Mar 07, 2012 10:37 am UTC

someguy12345 wrote:Granted. 50 years after the supposed time when you should graduate high school, your homework does itself, and implants the knowledge as your beaten, wretched, and miserable body sleeps on the cold sidewalk in the street.

Well, it won't be too bad if I can't finish my Ph.D. The market is pretty good for any degreed engineer. I can wait for my current homework's knowledge for another few years.

Randomizer wrote:I wish that I was fluent in several foreign languages.

Granted. Unfortunately, it's hard to find anybody who can also speak Liki, Taushiro, or Tanema.

I wish I could have a state-of-the-art computer from a few years in the future.

by **Evengeduld** » Fri Mar 09, 2012 9:40 am UTC

Granted once you invent a time machine.

I wish for my workday to go by faster so I can go home

by **madjo** » Fri Mar 09, 2012 9:55 am UTC

It ends instantly, because your boss walks in, sees you browsing a clearly not work-related forum and fires you on the spot. Good luck with the jobhunt.

I wish I made more money with my job.

by **krogoth** » Fri Mar 09, 2012 10:49 am UTC

Granted, you boss, add's 'personal favors' to the list of things your job role is required to proform.

I wish I never knew sadness.

by **Evengeduld** » Fri Mar 09, 2012 1:37 pm UTC

Granted but you will never know happiness again either.

I wish for the sun to come back

by **bug sniper** » Sun Mar 11, 2012 12:27 am UTC

Granted. The sun comes back artificially aged as a black dwarf. It produces almost no light. You are only able to survive for as long as your heater and firewood hold out now that you get virtually no sunlight.

I wish for a self-sustaining habitation unit in which I can sustain my survival indefinitely, even without any sunlight.

by **Odilo** » Sun Mar 11, 2012 4:24 am UTC

Granted. It is 5 cubic feet, and if you leave it you die.

I wish for world peace.

by **Byrel** » Sun Mar 11, 2012 7:59 am UTC

Granted. In fact, it is designed to prevent death from old age so your survival is truly indefinite. Unfortunately there isn't room for anything for you to do, so you get to be bored. Eternally.

I wish I had an auto-piloted car.

by **Koyaanisqatsi** » Sun Mar 11, 2012 8:15 am UTC

Granted, except it pilots you to your doom, like in Doctor Who.

Um...I wish for nothing.

by **Odilo** » Sun Mar 11, 2012 11:05 pm UTC

Granted. You now have nothing; no food or money. You die of starvation.

I wish that my philosophy essay was finished right now, written well enough to get me at least 90%.

by **rileyrulesu** » Mon Mar 12, 2012 12:35 am UTC

Granted...

As soon as these words are said, you feel uneasy. after a few seconds, there is a loud crash outside. You casually look outside and see a nearby streetlamp has fallen down, you soon lose interest of this, and sit back down. The chair you're sitting is the first thing you notice start to disappear. You look down at the legs of your chair, and notice the back ones are half not there. The chair remains upright, but you notice it's not just the chair, it's everything. the floor underneath you, the wall, everything! In it's place is a slowly expanding invisible sphere, only detectable by the absence of what's normally there. Out of curiosity, you take a nearby sheet of paper, and stick it partially in the sphere. It offers no resistance. When you take the paper out, you see the amount that went in it completely gone. You turn to me and ask what that is, and what have I done with your humble wish. I state that that is nothing. those spheres contain nothing, and nothing can exist inside them, including light, momentum and gravity. shocked, you step away from it. and try to head outside to avoid this impossible object. As you reach for your doorknob, you feel a sharp pain. You look at the knob, and notice a small sphere missing from it. looking back at your hand, you notice a small section from a slightly smaller sphere is absent from your palm. Horrified, you think about what to do, not able to open the door. Wisely, you decide to wait. after 30 seconds or so, the sphere fully envelops the lock of the door. You kick the door open, and head outside. The sight almost overwhelms you. Spheres are everywhere. the pool at your residence is draining itself into a sphere, A nearby building collapses, as it's support has been dwindled too much, people everywhere have sphere shaped holes in them. Down the road, there is a woman praying on her knees, suddenly, she screams. You see a vacancy in her lower stomach grow. She continues shouting the lords prayer, but collapses before she finishes. You are snapped out of your trance by a car horn. Instinctively, you turn to your right, to see a car headed your way at 50 MPH or so. Not knowing what to do, you flinch. The car is not 10 feet away, when it hits a sphere. You drop to your knees, and no longer feel your legs. You look at the ground and see a hemisphere missing from the street where your knees used to exist. Laying on the floor you look around, and see nothing. You look to your left and see only a small patch of land, with you on top of it. You look behind you, and see the rest of your legs slowly being destroyed, to your right, you see the remnants of a small child's body, being consumed. In front of you is me. You hear me say "your wish is my command" before I myself am consumed. Nothing else exists now. It's just you, a small section of road, and a growing sphere of nothing against your thighs.

I wish for telekinetic powers!

by **Arlick** » Mon Mar 12, 2012 3:59 am UTC

rileyrulesu wrote:I wish for telekinetic powers!

Granted, you now always push everything within a 50 metre radius. This includes oxgyen, and you soon suffocate.

I wish for a kilogram of jelly bears

by **someguy12345** » Mon Mar 12, 2012 12:44 pm UTC

Granted. A kilogram of jelly bears fills your lungs and you die.

I wish I knew what the deal was with that stupid word filter.

by **shirosuzume** » Mon Mar 12, 2012 7:46 pm UTC

someguy12345 wrote:Granted. A kilogram of jelly bears fills your lungs and you die.

I wish I knew what the deal was with that stupid loaf crumb.

(quoted to preserve the wackiness...)

Granted. The loaf crumb before you is revealed to you in all of its glory. Every molecule, every folded protein structure, the spin of every quark, everything. You find this so amazing and wonderful that you sit and stare at it, contemplating and weeping for the beauty of it all, until you become cachectic and starve to death.

I wish I had more time.

by **Arlick** » Tue Mar 13, 2012 11:04 am UTC

shirosuzume wrote:I wish I had more time.

Granted, you are given a clock that's two hours behind.

I wish I had a top-hat

by **SmoothBlade** » Tue Mar 13, 2012 4:52 pm UTC

Granted, you did, a long time ago. You never had the opportunity to wear it and it has long been thrown away, although you do not realize that it has been thrown out so you will wast hours on end searching your house for it.

I wish I would start posting here again

by **Kethryes** » Tue Mar 13, 2012 5:12 pm UTC

SmoothBlade wrote:I wish I would start posting here again

Granted, but from now on, no one will read what you are posting

I wish for more Pupettmaster Madness

by **someguy12345** » Tue Mar 13, 2012 5:52 pm UTC

Granted. A mad puppetmaster has taken control of you, and you are now forced to do all of his bidding, including the bidding that involves both your sexual organs and a chainsaw

I wish that my room was designed in such a way that the sun would not shine directly into my window (and, ergo, my face), but I would still get a good amount of sunlight.

by **Millumi** » Tue Mar 13, 2012 6:15 pm UTC

Granted, your room now doesn't have windows and you get all the sunlight you need from a huge hole in your ceiling.

I wish to be the first person to invent a teleportation device, so I can trademark it, use it to escape anyone who tries to attack/kill me for it, and then use it to make the ultimate pizza delivery company and become rich.

by **Adam H** » Tue Mar 13, 2012 6:26 pm UTC

Granted. But after a couple successful weeks at the head of KwikPizza, a super secret government agency confiscates the teleportion device and all you're left with is a pizza joint with a crappy, ill-suited name and customers with extremely unreasonable expectations. And your business taxes are high, too.

I wish that when I hit preview/submit, I will not have been ninja'd.

by **Koyaanisqatsi** » Wed Mar 14, 2012 3:09 am UTC

Granted, except instead you are spinja'd by a spinja from the new Cartoon Network show, "Ninjago: Masters of Spinjitsu!" Or something like that.

I wish that this wish will not be corrupted.

by **bug sniper** » Wed Mar 14, 2012 4:44 am UTC

Granted. It doesn't get corrupted by the forces of evil. Instead, it gets prosecuted by the forces of law, banished by the forces of good, and tormented by those of evil.

I wish poetry was more consistent.

by **someguy12345** » Wed Mar 14, 2012 10:51 pm UTC

Granted. It does not exist. The world becomes extremely boring.

I wish the Earth would hurtle towards the Sun and every living thing on Earth would die a slow, flaming death.

by **Metazoan** » Fri Mar 16, 2012 2:41 pm UTC

I thought it was, and accelerating at that.

It just misses a lot.

I thought every living thing was already doomed to that fate.

At least those not doomed to some other equally terminal end.

So your wish seems to already be granted.

Except wait...

The human race wakes up to its head-long rush into hedonistic consumerism and repents.

Global warming is halted and reverses.

(holds breath)

I wish I didn't have to click a button marked 'Submit'.

by **RaceBandit** » Fri Mar 16, 2012 10:50 pm UTC

You now have to simply mouse over the Submit button to post something. On at least one occasion, this results in you accidentally making an incomplete post when you go to preview it instead. The result is extra edits and EBWOPs, and it may even get you modkilled if you screw up a spoiler.

Let's see what happens if I wish I had to simply mouse over the Preview button to update the post preview...

by **someguy12345** » Mon Mar 19, 2012 3:33 am UTC

Granted. Every time you accidentally move your mouse over the preview button, the page refreshes to the preview page and it takes ages to load. It also takes ages to go back to your post, which now you must do every time you preview your post. Also, the Submit button thing is still active.

I wish I was more confident, without being arrogant or stupid.

by **Randomizer** » Mon Mar 19, 2012 12:29 pm UTC

Granted. With this confidence you decide to run for office, and your lack of arrogance or stupidity impresses people so much that the majority vote for you as a write-in candidate. Unfortunately, election fraud runs rampant, and you lose not only the election, but all sense of privacy as you are now considered a public figure, and the media follow your every move with impunity.

I wish that menstrual periods did not exist, and that females were just as physically and reproductively healthy as when they did.

by **shirosuzume** » Mon Mar 19, 2012 1:24 pm UTC

Granted. Now women bleed constantly instead of just once a month, making them significantly more annoyed than when they only had to deal with it for a few days.

I wish I had a plane and could fly it anywhere I wanted.

by **SmoothBlade** » Thu Mar 22, 2012 1:37 am UTC

Granted, but I steal it and put it in the vending machine.

(i have returned for cross-thread madness)

I wish that all diet sodas actually did taste identical to the originals

by **Cathy** » Thu Mar 22, 2012 2:12 am UTC

SmoothBlade wrote:I wish that all diet sodas actually did taste identical to the originals

Granted, but all diet sodas are banned because they cause cancer.

I wish attraction wasn't so damn complicated

by **shirosuzume** » Thu Mar 22, 2012 3:31 am UTC

Granted. Everyone now wears a T-shirt that explains exactly what they're attracted to and why, falling in love becomes as predictable as Newtonian physics, and an entire section of culture (of multiple cultures, really) ceases to exist; you find that you're completely offended by everyone's rules of attraction as posted on the T-shirts.

I wish for pleasant dreams tonight.

by **Odilo** » Thu Mar 22, 2012 6:10 pm UTC

Granted. You have amazing dreams that everything is perfect and you can do everything you want to. Then you wake up and have to face reality.

I wish that the world was two-dimensional.

by **Kromix** » Thu Mar 22, 2012 6:15 pm UTC

granted, you are now a drawing on a piece of paper and unaware that you will be shredded in the next 5 minutes.

i wish i could the could do the thing with the thing on that thing...

by **Randomizer** » Fri Mar 23, 2012 10:55 pm UTC

Granted. When you make the attempt, in an unprecedented display of flexibility and strength, you accomplish what you thought was impossible. However, you are arrested immediately afterwards for public indecency and disturbing the peace, your employer fires you, and your mother is too ashamed to ever speak to you again.

I wish for detachable/reatachable cybernetic limbs for the purpose of expanding the number of things I can do and how efficiently I can do them.

by **someguy12345** » Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:42 pm UTC

Granted. You overuse them and fail to take proper care of them, and as a result, they wear out and malfunction. Now you no longer have any limbs.

I wish for the same thing as Randomizer, except that they will never break, wear out, or otherwise be damaged or malfunction.

by **matt96** » Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:50 pm UTC

Granted, but they are self-aware and quickly realize you are holding them back, so they decide to kill you.

I wish that no one would ruin the point of this thread by writing a really long description of exactly what they want, where their description has no exploitable holes to corrupt it by utilizing.

by **peri_renna** » Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:53 pm UTC

All posts in the thread are now restricted to 140 characters.

I wish I could get books delivered instantly.

by **Mike Rosoft** » Sat Mar 24, 2012 4:58 pm UTC

Okay. Your new job: book teleport operator.

I wish telemarketers stopped calling me every month with the same offer (which I had rejected, like, a dozen times in a row).

by **matt96** » Sat Mar 24, 2012 5:10 pm UTC

Granted. Now telemarketers are continuously calling you with the same offer instead of waiting a whole month to call you again.

I wish I wasn't as addicted to the forum (I know this is going to end badly)

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