0311: "Action Movies"

[suzi]

I saw Shoot 'Em Up two days ago and coming out of there though, "Man, this is exactly what that XKCD strip was wishing for!"

There were a few places where I was afraid it was going to get too thick on plot, but no. It really doesn't. There are so many plot holes, because they interfered with the action.

Just...see it. So ridiculous, so badass.

[skeptical scientist]

I was inspired to alter the River Serenity promo wallpaper to replace the lines "RIVER extremely intelligent. unpredictable actions and emotions." with "RIVER TAM beats up everyone."

[Jimmed]

I did not particularly enjoy River's fight scenes in Serenity. The reason? Summer's had a couple months stage-fighting lessons. I can tell that she doesn't really know what she's doing. It's nothing like watching Michelle Yeoh, or Tony Jaa, or any of the martial arts greats. If we're gonna have a 90-minute fight scene, let's cast someone who knows how to fight.

My housemate made me watch Serenity last night because I didn't get the River Tam reference, and although her fighting wasn't that good, I think that imperfection gives the movie an edge, as it does with a lot of movies.

More importantly, there's nothing I like more in a movie than a medium-to-hot girl kicking the living shit out of hordes of barbaric scientific accidents. Is it bad that I find that incredibly attractive in a woman?

[Pau!]

Nah, I thought she was damn sexy. Maybe I just like crazy girls.

[Bakemaster]

More importantly, there's nothing I like more in a movie than a medium-to-hot girl kicking the living shit out of hordes of barbaric scientific accidents. Is it bad that I find that incredibly attractive in a woman?

No, but it's concerning that your friend didn't force you to watch Firefly to learn who River Tam was. Go forth and remedy this, son of my son.

[Mighty Jalapeno]

Yup, every single episode is on Joox right now. High quality DVD.

Also, "medium hot"?

[Vekter]

Instead of bothering with plot at all, make a dvd with all the best action scenes from other movies.

Off the top of my head, the must haves -

-The ridiculous fight in the first Matrix movie, right after 'I need guns'
-Scene from Kill Bill in the restaurant with the yellow suit
-Yoda's lightsaber battle
-the Battle of Hoth


Post your favorites, and I'll try and put it together.

The first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

A good chunk of Black Hawk Down.

The climax of The Professional.

The climax of Children of Men.

The last half hour of Hot Fuzz!

And finally, the end of Blue Thunder.

Fucking MAKE IT. NOW.

Also, you have to put in the battle from Matrix: Revolutions, when they're in the dock at Zion and fighting off the Sentinels. That's so fucking awesome.

Edit: Fucking tags.

[Jimmed]

No, but it's concerning that your friend didn't force you to watch Firefly to learn who River Tam was.

It's on a worryingly long list that he compiled during a 30 minute drive back from work. Serenity just happened to be one of the first things to finish downloading.

Also, "medium hot"?

Hrm, she's hot in most of those pictures, just something about her in Serenity struck me as being only medium-to-hot. Probably the psycho part, that's never a good trait to have. That, or bleeding profusely from the forehead never struck me as an attractive quality. I wouldn't not though.

[Mighty Jalapeno]

Hrm, she's hot in most of those pictures, just something about her in Serenity struck me as being only medium-to-hot. Probably the psycho part, that's never a good trait to have. I wouldn't not though.

I wouldn't not, either.

[shinybaby]

I saw Shoot 'Em Up two days ago and coming out of there though, "Man, this is exactly what that XKCD strip was wishing for!"

There were a few places where I was afraid it was going to get too thick on plot, but no. It really doesn't. There are so many plot holes, because they interfered with the action.

Just...see it. So ridiculous, so badass.

i just saw Shoot 'Em Up myself and i have to agree!! this is the River Tam movie but with eye candy for the ladies!! mmmm Clive Owen!!

i howled with laughter and loved every minute of it!

still... i'd pay money to repeatedly see River Tam kick everyone's ass!! especially if she's got a cute male counterpart... you know, appeal to all audiences!!

[Divine Virus]

I have a proposal for an action movie. It is based on the famous philosophical text "The Apology." I think I may have just automatically failed University by writing this.

It starts Thusly.

The set is the Athena courthouse, where the jury of 501 Athean citizens sits after sentencing Socrates to death. Remember that in order to be a citizen in those days, you had to be a man over the age of 18 with military training. We see Socrates from behind as he address the jurymen.


Socrates: Now the hour to part has come. I go to die, you go to live. Which of us goes to the better lot is known to no one, except the God.

The Camera slowly bans around as Socrates says this, until we are looking him in the face and realize that the actor playing him is none other than Sean Connery! A smirk flashes across his face, and he speaks again.

Socrates: I'm just shittin' ya. It's time to kick some ass. Crito! Plato!

Crito, played by Clive Owen, and Plato, played by Christian Bale, stand up out of the audience. They were sitting in a balcony thirty feet above Socrates. They jump down and stand beside him.


Crito: Right here, Big S. We got your back

Plato: Let's lets enlighten these citizens with the Platonic Form of kicking ass!

A two hour fight scene ensues as Socrates, Plato and Crito beats up all 501 jurymen (remember, if they are on a jury, it means they were at one time soldiers). All the while spouting philosophical one liners.

Now, I know what you are all thinking. Where is the love interest? The beautiful woman? I have that covered. This takes place about half way through the movie.

A juryman is about the stab Crito in the back (Crito is fighting a dozen others at the same time so he doesn't notice), when his neck is suddenly broken. Enter Diotima of Mantinea, the Registered Compan- err.... Courtesan who taught Socrates "The Philosophy of love" and provided the key solution in The Symposium I would consider giving this role to Morena Baccarin. Maybe.

Crito: My thanks, Diotima.

Diotima: Any time, Crito.

Socrates: It took you long enough. I thought you were going to miss the party.

Diotima: If I'm not there, it isn't a party then, now is it?

Plato: Well reasoned, fair Diotima.

Socrates: Then let's get this Symposium started!

Ass kicking resumes.

The ending would go something like like this.

All the Juryman and two of the accusers are dead or beaten into unconsciousness except Meletus and Anytus, who both stab Socrates in the chest with at the same time. The blows bounce off harmlessly.

Meletus: I don't understand...

Socrates: Neither Meletus nor Anytus can harm me in any way; he could not harm me, for I do not think it is permitted that a better man be harmed by a worse. (Direct quote from The Apology

Socrates then finishes them off. Then Socrates, Plato, Crito, and Diotima exist the courthouse to find the entire Athenian army piling into the square infront of it. End movie. The sequel, in which Socrates is forced to summon his Daemon, picks up where this one leaves off.

[woktiny]

I have a proposal for an action movie. It is based on the famous philosophical text "The Apology." I think I may have just automatically failed University by writing this.

It starts Thusly.

The set is the Athena courthouse, where the jury of 501 Athean citizens ...

I am uncertain about whether 501 men is enough to fill two hours. Also, shouldn't there be a scenery change? Two hours with the same background is only slightly better than a Phone Booth.... what an odd idea, Phone Booth as an action movie... really, odd. maybe... instead of Colin Farrell, Jackie Chan beats up 502 people with a phone book and a quarter.

But back to my point, a scene change, perhaps it only takes one hour to finish the jury, and the second hour for the army outside.

[Master Gunner]

Not to mention that Plato would have being but a kid when Socrates died, but hey, what's a little temporal re-assignment here and there? Be awesome anyways.

[TheKhakinator]

The Transporter was awesome, despite featuring Australia.

[Pxtl]

No real action movies?

WHAT
ABOUT
300?

Nope, they added in the fucking extra part about the queen.

You mean the extra fucking-part.
-Anonymod.

Not to mention the endless, painful, awful speeches about how they're Saving Freedom. Seriously, my wife generally doesn't like action movies, and was there saying "shut up and kill something".

[tokara2132]

I saw Shoot 'Em Up two days ago and coming out of there though, "Man, this is exactly what that XKCD strip was wishing for!"

There were a few places where I was afraid it was going to get too thick on plot, but no. It really doesn't. There are so many plot holes, because they interfered with the action.

Just...see it. So ridiculous, so badass.

Well, this seems to be a common belief...and yes, it is entirely true. it is funny as hell, full of action, and all in all about 10 minutes of plot without guns or explosions.

I mean, he points out many of the flaws of action movies while in one himself (irony at its best) and reacts to another man driving wildly in a Benz and littering by knocking him into a parked car.

Also, to the whole "eye candy" thing, yes the ladies have Clive Owen, but the men have Monica Belluchi. To refresh everyones memory, this was the insanely hot chick in the white dress in "Matrix Reloaded".

[Shaded Spriter]

I was watching Resident Evil 3...and after watching it I came to the conclusion that Resident Evil 4 should be made..and it should basically be the Resident Evil Franchise version of this comic. Reason explained in spoiler because I don't want to spoil this film for anyone.

Spoiler:

At the end of Resident Evil 3 Alice tells Wesker that she is coming for him but also wakes up hundreds of Alice clones...and because RE3 is set in the "we didn't contain them" zombie apocalypse/Mad Max future. the 4th movie could just be many long action sequences of Alice and her clones fighting through hoards of zombies and then finally killing Wesker. there might need to be a three minute exposition sequence of the first 3 movies...but that is all.

[Katastrophy]

Instead of bothering with plot at all, make a dvd with all the best action scenes from other movies.

Off the top of my head, the must haves -

-The ridiculous fight in the first Matrix movie, right after 'I need guns'
-Scene from Kill Bill in the restaurant with the yellow suit
-Yoda's lightsaber battle
-the Battle of Hoth


Post your favorites, and I'll try and put it together.

The first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

A good chunk of Black Hawk Down.

The climax of The Professional.

The climax of Children of Men.

The last half hour of Hot Fuzz!

And finally, the end of Blue Thunder.

Fucking MAKE IT. NOW.

Also, you have to put in the battle from Matrix: Revolutions, when they're in the dock at Zion and fighting off the Sentinels. That's so fucking awesome.

Edit: Fucking tags.

I agree with the make it idea.

In attempting to come up with other good fight scenes, I realized I either can't think of anything that hasn't been said, or that I prefer fights to just action.

For instance, Inigo Montoya vs the Dread Pirate Roberts in "The Princess Bride" is an amazing fight scene, but it's a little slow on the action.

There's a number of good action scene on the "Star Wars: Clone Wars" discs. Somewhere between "Mace Windu takes out a giant stomping machine" and "General Grievous takes out 4 jedi singlehandedly" I decided I preferred Clone Wars to the actual Star Wars series.

"The Transporter" had some good action scenes in it. Like when he breaks the bike pedals off on his feet then covers the floor in grease.

The final showdown in Kill Bill between the Bride and Bill is awesome, but really short.

I keep trying to think of a good scene in Battle Royale, but I think the whole movie is just one big gorefest. The Lighthouse scene is the closest to uninterrupted killing.

And because it hasn't officially been said, River Tam beats up the whole tavern. Seriously, the commentary on that scene is great. "So, the choreographer came to me and said 'She can kick a guy in the head, behind her, around a pole... Can we put a pole in here?' And of course I said 'Yeah!'".

[Moo]

About "The Transporter"

Loved that film. Watched "The Transporter 2" last night and I honestly don't know why I had expected it to be ANY good. I am a fool and as such maybe deserved to be disappointed. WTF with all the fire hose stuff?! Action || fighting = entertaining but I spent half the movie going "oh, come ON..!".

[fault]

We may get (part) of our wish here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terminator ... es#Casting

[Mighty Jalapeno]

Yay, ultra-high-quality DVD rips.

New background, and this was the only place I could see to post it.

River Tam Just Beat Up Everyone!

[merula16]

The last panel of this comic needs to be a t-shirt. Seriously. If I had a t-shirt of that I would love it forever.

[vish]

well, i just logged in to say that due to this reference in the comic
(and a few other ("this food is problematic"))
i had just finished watching firefly+serenity.
very glad of having watched firefly.

serenity is a B movie that never should have been made.
(i know i wasn't waiting for it for two years but still, had i been waiting , my disappointment would have been greater.)

[gobo fongo]

I think that The Expendables is as close as we're going to get to a 90 minute high budget action sequence.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIPt8aUvz7U

Sylvester Stallone

Jason Statham

Jet Li

Bruce Willis

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Thousands of people will die. Entire civilizations will cease. There will be more explosives than 10 Chinese New Years.

And there still may be time to sneak River into some scenes.

[phillipsjk]

This comics does not reflect my video gaming experience. When I am playing a First Person Shooter such as Quake, I spend about half my time sneaking around not killing anything!

[Max2009]

I guess this goes here

[Litof]

"Also, I can kill you with my brain." Great scene.

It's only two days old; did someone from the fora make the video? Unless, y'know, it was the previous poster.

[tNok85]

Hmm.. why isn't Grindhouse mentioned? (Or was it? I checked but didn't see it) That was 2007.

At least 40% of Death Proof was some pretty awesome action. Most of Planet Terror was ridiculously awesome.


And since then... Star Trek (2009) had some pretty good action. And compared to classic Star Trek (or TNG or any of the others, really...) it had about 110% action and -10% plot.

Inglorious Basterds? If it wasn't for Tarantino's extended talking scenes, it would be an awesome 25 minute bloodfest.

Zombieland. Kickass.

Machete - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I16020r--oM
A movie inspired by a fake trailer (from Grindhouse) inspired by a character from a 2001 children's movie (Spy Kids). It looks to be mainly mindless bloody action, with some hot chicks spread out here and there. (Get it?)

[Eikinkloster]

Also, you have to put in the battle from Matrix: Revolutions, when they're in the dock at Zion and fighting off the Sentinels. That's so fucking awesome.

Edit: Fucking tags.

Rule number one about The Matrix is that there is only one movie, the 1999 one. The other two are just a hoax. Like Highlander II.

[scarletmanuka]

did someone from the fora make the video?

The references to "a Stickman Figure film" and "www.xkcd.com/311" could have been from any reader, but "echochamber productions" has to be from the fora. And yes, I expect it was Max2009 who made it.

[Max2009]

did someone from the fora make the video?

The references to "a Stickman Figure film" and "www.xkcd.com/311" could have been from any reader, but "echochamber productions" has to be from the fora. And yes, I expect it was Max2009 who made it.

Damn, I've been cought.
Now everybody knows I have a sense of humor and too much time on my hands.

[scarletmanuka]

Now everybody knows I have a sense of humor and too much time on my hands.

However will you live it down?

[sab39]

Only problem with this movie is when, five minutes in, someone says "Eta kooram na smech"...

[Joeldi]

So I'm wondering if anyone's ever asked Summer about this at a Con? I ask because she's coming to one near me in April, and 5 years (holy fuck, I've been reading xkcd for more than five years) on, it still sounds like an awesome movie and a good thing to ask about at a Q&A.

[AvatarIII]

So I'm wondering if anyone's ever asked Summer about this at a Con? I ask because she's coming to one near me in April, and 5 years (holy fuck, I've been reading xkcd for more than five years) on, it still sounds like an awesome movie and a good thing to ask about at a Q&A.

that would be pretty funny, but what would you ask exactly?

It would make an awesome picture to have her sign, shame Randall doesn't do this strip as a signed print, which you could then get signed again by Summer.

[Joeldi]

"Given the opportunity, would you consider being in a film where the entire pitch was "Summer Glau beats up everyone"?" And damn, now I'm torn, cos I would love to get that signed, but I already decided that 5 seconds of an actress' time is not worth standing in line for hours then paying out the nose for.