xkcd

by **webby** » Sat Mar 17, 2012 5:16 am UTC

The lab supervisor, on being challenged that he was breaking the 'No food or drink in the lab' rule:
'Oh, that just means there's no food or drink available in the lab.'

by **eaglewings51** » Fri Mar 23, 2012 5:57 am UTC

My photography professor yet again:

"I'm going to come in here with a shotgun and start threatening people!"

"We don't help stupid heads."

"You do seem like a creeper."

"You can do a million events if you want to brown nose that much."

"I hate you all and you should die."

"Orange and blue makes pink."

"Do I have to fail you again? We're running out of alphabet!"

"Ears are so weird."

"Would someone please steal that car?"

"I'm going to shoot someone, probably myself."

by **Odilo** » Fri Mar 30, 2012 5:57 pm UTC

"Am I living in a dream world? I like it here."

by **LtWigglesworth** » Mon Apr 09, 2012 11:22 am UTC

From my schools deputy Rector (headmaster, it was a weird, semi-private school):

I’ll just bring it to your attention that several students have had their papers withheld for drawing lewwwwwwd images. They may end up having their whole exam withdrawn. Now that’s whole with a ‘w’ as opposed to the ones they were drawing.

I have a horrendously long list here. Now listen carefully because it is in absolutely no order; it is not sequential, alphabetical or apodictic

Thank fuck for that”

From a history teacher:

This thing looks like it's shitting out Catholics"

<Student>. God he’s a soft cock”

Would you like to have a holocaust?

Clinton was impeached for his blow job

And when marking exams:

No.

An english teacher:

Fucking leave the way I walk alone!

Don't sit there with your finger up your arse!"

That's like a KKK member in a gospel choir - "I have found the black man!

In other words the filthy black man is with your daughter”

(on Othello)

The rape scene is very good

He had to have stitches?! How big was the other guy?!

( on American History X)
From The Rector:

And the best thing about it is that we will be able to carpet another classroom

(on a students chest hair)
One teacher's racist phase:

How long have you been a kaffir? You know, a darkie? Black people”

Jews make good soup”

On the board is your work. I’d write it in Maori but I don’t know it. Should I just do a little haka at the end?

From our final year dean:

Hurry up you little man bitches!

Mmm, sex in a pot

Don’t be a hero you black bastard!

One more thing: stop wagging!! You’re making me work and I hate work

Our Head of Music:

Sing the fucking song

by **eaglewings51** » Tue Apr 10, 2012 11:05 pm UTC

Professor: You're late.
Me: That clock says she still has two minutes.
Professor: I don't care what the clock says. I could go find a clock in New York that says she's four hours early!

"In the real world, that's called fraud."

"Why are you happy?"

"I like shiny things, I'm sorry."

"The position of the earth just seems weird."

"I swear I did not take drugs before class."

"I'll still trying to figure out how the hell I do that."

"It looks like a hairy donut."

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, skip a few, 10." (He was counting off how many feet he was away from his subject to figure out what settings to use for his flash. He said he was ten feet away and he was really only about six feet away. Right before this, he'd ranted to us about misjudging distances.)

by **blue_girl** » Thu Apr 12, 2012 11:39 pm UTC

Physics teacher of win:

"It would be like manna falling from heaven. Or crap. Did I say that??? This is the science department, I meant feces!"

"Imagine yourself in the middle of a koosh ball."

"I was thinking--" ~kid in class
"OK, what's the date? We have to mark this occasion!"

"Desks are for glasses, not for--sitting on."

"Nothing's gonna distort our system! We used superglue."

"And that is why God created Strawberry and vanilla." (out of nowhere, he just made this proclamation)

by **firepanda** » Fri Apr 13, 2012 10:30 am UTC

The previous comments make mine look tame. None of my teachers cracked as many jokes, although they all behaved amusingly.

My chem teacher used to be a stand-up comedian, so he was MC at quiz night and prize givings, where he would make fun of the board, bishop and local minister in attendance. At one point we were using aniline in a lab. I can't remember the exact reaction but one of the solutions went a dark green, to which I commented "That is a sexy colour."
To which he replied: "If it is any comfort, I agree that green is a good, comforting color. I wouldn't go quite so far as to call it a sexy colour, however. You see, a sexy colour can quickly become a ravishing colour, which is not something I recommend. Unless, of course, you fancy growing a third testicle."

Actually, I'm surprised aniline is even allowed at schools. It plays quite a large part in the syllabus, but it does some nasty stuff.

by **black_hat_guy** » Sat Apr 14, 2012 5:59 am UTC

"The French Revolution started out pretty well, but then a bunch of people just lost their heads." - My AP World History teacher.

by **CaptainFinglass** » Sat Apr 14, 2012 7:40 pm UTC

Drama Teacher: "Is it the Monday before Tuesday or the Monday after?!"
We still don't know why she yelled this. It was a Thursday.

English Prof (On Hamlet): "This is the best one of Shakespeare's plays. You've got incest, murder, suicide, general deathy soul jam, and madness. What could possibly go wrong?"

Same Prof on Romeo & Juliet: "They just want to imitate the life cycle of a gnat. They become adults, they mate, and they die."

by **WarDaft** » Sun Apr 15, 2012 11:00 pm UTC

I have one prof who is perfectly reasonable in class (except that they once threw a chocolate bar at my head, from across the lecture hall, I literally had to duck) but can't seem to restrain himself when he sends out e-mails:

Make sure that you not only are fully capable of kicking this exam's ass, you should be able to do it at a fairly quick pace. Remember, since I will be bored out of my mind while proctoring that I will do horrible things to distract you during the exam (just think about how hard it will be to concentrate on the test when you look up and I'm trying to bump and grind with Martin Pei).

I believe the new course notes were uploaded today, be sure to look at those as there's supposed to be lots of new exercises. I heard today from a couple of the TAs and tutors that some of you didn't even know that learn.uwaterloo exists. This makes me sad. Like really sad. Like I'm going to listen to Leona Lewis and cry myself to sleep every night until the spring term starts kind of sad.

Here is what should be the final theorems sheet. I think I put every major theorem on it, let me know if I missed anything. Again, I'm leaving it up to you to make the definitions list. You need to memorize these. All of them. Also know how to use them. That is, unless you're the smelly hillbilly that complained that I never talked about Fermat's Last Theorem. You should instead memorize what's on the second attachment, think about what you've done, and then feel bad about yourself.

For those of you who are not ugly children, please let me know if there's anything that you'd like to see in the review lectures next week and if you have any preferences for exam office hours.

I'm assuming that since it's nice out you all are probably having picnics, skipping rope, and chewing bubble gum right now. Stop enjoying life and start doing math.

And the second attachment...

Scan 001-12.pdf: (10.79 KiB) Downloaded 320 times

That is, unless you're one of those ugly kids that sit at home playing Dance Dance Revolution and eating peanut butter like a savage instead of going to class, I think showering should be your main priority but after that's done, you should start memorizing.

You can think of it as a list of stuff you should memorize or else <name redacted> will dropkick you off a bridge.

Anyways, my office hours are almost done so I'm going to go drink some boxed wine and listen to Destiny's Child.

p.s. Before the rumours get started, I don't actually drink boxed wine or listen to Destiny's Child nor do I condone such horrible activities.

by **Grop** » Mon Apr 16, 2012 12:26 am UTC

After a rant about abstention in elections: People spit upwards, but they are forgetting that g is 9.81 m.s^-2.

by **StevenR** » Mon Apr 16, 2012 7:49 pm UTC

"Don't be afraid of numbers. Analysis without data isn't analysis; It's an opinion."

by **ShortChelsea** » Tue Apr 17, 2012 2:12 pm UTC

"You're supposed to do that on the copier, [not the printer] you bastard." One of the professors in the department I work in.

by **flarpfreak** » Fri Apr 27, 2012 10:12 pm UTC

My food science teacher
"I've never smoked weed, but if I did, I would do it for science"

by **PhillipCup** » Mon Apr 30, 2012 5:47 pm UTC

During my Unit Operations (sort of like Industrial Chemistry) class, we were discussing heat duty on a heat exchanger and I started to giggle--at the mention of duty (dooty). Our professor, who is a very Christian, very Southern older gentleman, shakes his head and says, "You think that's funny, just wait 'til we go over Net Positive Suction Head next semester". My group mate and I nearly fell off our lab stools.

Biochem prof:
"And now I'm going to make some sweeping generalizations about Japanese research groups..."

From my Thermo professor:
"Next semester y'all will learn ALLLL about strippers. Nick (me), why are you giggling? Yes, strippers. But for you they'll bring Chippendales dancers."

Another from the same thermo prof:
"You can think of delta V of mixing as if you were putting children in a ball pit. It'd be really hard to try and just cram kids into a ball pit and NOT see a change in volume. Though you could use child puree..."
Me: "How do you puree children?"
Prof: "I'd suggest a Johnson or Evinrude."

by **Nyx** » Wed May 09, 2012 10:39 pm UTC

My favorite teacher in the world once told me "The only thing you ever have to do in this world is die. Everything else is a choice."

10 years later i take it with me.

by **JCPenney** » Thu May 10, 2012 1:40 pm UTC

So, as a teacher (5th and 6th grade band), I've had a few good ones myself.

to my 6th grade percussion section after being repeatedly interrupted by 1st graders: "I may stab a child today..."

to another group of 6th graders after playing a difficult passage of music particularly well: "Yeah....that was sexy--I mean, tasty--I mean, nevermind...that sounded really good."
I still haven't lived that one down......

by **Daimon** » Thu May 10, 2012 10:09 pm UTC

"There`s only two things you could be doing in that pocket, and one of them isn`t appropriate for school."

by **aubdog124** » Wed May 16, 2012 2:34 pm UTC

My middle school english teacher:
"Today is Tuesday, and everyone knows what that means, it's time to kill and eat a small animal. David I think it's your turn today..."

My current english teacher:
"Now don't go smoking crack y'all"
she says this at least once a week

by **MichiK** » Sat May 19, 2012 2:27 am UTC

Chemistry professor, talking about the Knallgas reaction: "And some years ago, they even tried that on a really large scale...!" - and then he put a photo of the burning Hindenburg airship on the overhead projector.

by **Monika** » Sun May 20, 2012 9:26 pm UTC

And I like that the German word is used.

by **mmmCatSoup** » Thu May 31, 2012 1:47 am UTC

Teacher: The yearbook seems like waste of paper, why not have like a Face Book page or something?
Student: What if you don't have Face Book?
Teacher: You're a loser if you don't have Face Book.

The same teacher spent about 3 minutes before class one day walking around and hitting his stapler on peoples desks to play the Terminator 2 Theme.
(It actually sounded a lot like it.)

by **Alex-J** » Thu May 31, 2012 5:27 am UTC

(really awesome) Calc teacher
"every day I see a student doing work for another class in my classroom I go home and cry"

English Teacher, written presentation rubric:
"Answers to likely question: You may use notes. It's worth twenty-five points. Each of you will be assigned a slot for your presentation. You can't wear a funny costume."
Two students wore a funny costume.

same rubric:
"If you're using the computer, bring in your presentation beforehand to be sure it's compatible with our system. It it fails during you presentation, you will feel a horrible sense of insecurity"

"...this is going to be a very memorable presentation that will keep each of us interested and engaged. In the years to come, many of us will reminisce about your presentation and, most likely, will grow somewhat wistful as we think back to your significant role in June Presentation 2012"

by **Moole** » Wed Jun 13, 2012 5:00 pm UTC

Once, during a writing class, a student said that teachers couldn't be sarcastic. So, for the rest of the week, whenever the teacher said anything sarcastic, she would follow it up by telling that student that she'd just used sarcasm.

by **darkspork** » Fri Jun 15, 2012 5:47 am UTC

The greatest physics professor I've ever had would often say "Shit!" in the same place a normal person might say "Eureka!" or "Voíla!" in roughly the same tone someone might say "Awesome!" or "Wow!" along with a few other gems:

First day of class:

I suggest you all buy it [the textbook], because it will make studying a whole lot simpler. If you are a clever fuck, you may have noticed that I wrote this book. I don't give a shit if you get the new edition, though. I get about two dollars of whatever exorbitant price they're ripping you off with and it's exactly the same as the last edition.

Any of you know what a murken is?

I should write another textbook, "The History of Scientists". Chapter Four: Fornicators.

While demonstrating an experiment involving electromagnets
Professor: OK. So how many people think that when I complete the circuit, the ball will travel this way [left]?
(Several students raise their hands)
Professor: One, two, three... uh... twenty of you.
(He writes this on the board)
Professor: And how many think it's gonna go this way [right]?
(Several students raise their hands)
Professor: Uh, let's say forty-six of you.
(It should be noted that there are about 50 students enrolled in this class, under 40 of which regularly attended class.)
Professor: And who thinks it's not going to move at all?
(Five students raise their hands)
Professor: Eleven. And how many of you don't give a shit?
(He pauses for a moment before writing another number on the board)
Professor: Fifty-eight.
(The professor then turns on the switch, hurling the tiny metal ball to the right)
Professor, enthusiastically: Shit!

by **Arlick** » Mon Jul 02, 2012 6:55 am UTC

Hmm, everyone elses is so much better than mine, but i'll post it anyway

This, from my Units 1&2 Chemistry teacher:
(Due to being Scottish, he frequently gets asked to say a bunch of weird things, one of which being Release the Kraken)
"No, I will not say Release the kraken- oh f*ck"

"You know, it's not often I have to say please stop making modern art from the Bunsen Burners"

"Maybe we could combine some classes for specialist reasons. Maybe we could combine chemistry and metal tech, get some distilleries going on here."

From my Year 8 maths teacher, a middle-eastern man in his sixties:
"<Student> I have high hopes of you for this test, boy. If you don't get hundred percent, I tie you up on that tree right next to the window." He was a funny old bugger.

Good times, good times.

by **themarkdolan** » Fri Jul 13, 2012 10:51 pm UTC

In what must have been an Analysis course, our German professor (I studied in the UK) was explaining how to remove infinities from some particular type of equation. He demonstrated, and said with a straight face and no hint of irony:
"And zis is how you kill ze poles."

by **KevinLevin** » Sat Aug 04, 2012 9:09 am UTC

Our Social Science teacher used to call "why" as "By" and "when" as "Ben". And used to say- "Ben bill go?" (When will go?)

by **Mad Mike** » Sun Aug 12, 2012 12:50 am UTC

My high school band director, during the sightreading portion of state Band Festival:
"All right, any questions?"
-Roughly 15 hands shoot up.
"No cues."
15 hands go down.

by **insta01** » Mon Oct 15, 2012 6:56 am UTC

Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose.
Hope you'll like it. :roll:

by **devious** » Sat Nov 03, 2012 12:13 am UTC

All from the first few weeks of freshman English:

"Knowing why people care is almost the same as caring."
"I can tell by all the happy people that we're way off topic."
"I've decided to cancel Mondays for the rest of your life."
"You guys make sure you play a lot of video games this weekend to prepare for our discussion on nuclear physics and neurosurgery."
"Here's a funny thing you may not have known. 'Moby' means 'huge'. It's even dirtier than you thought."
"It's cool not to know grammar. You guys are dangerously uncool."
"Put it in your notes, not all girls are attractive."
"I make fun of you in all my other classes, just as I make fun of those morons in here."

by **RollingHead** » Sat Nov 17, 2012 9:21 pm UTC

Biology teacher: <detail on how RNA is formed>
Student: "But isn't that a waste of energy?"
Teacher: "All of man is a waste of energy."

by **firesoul31** » Thu Feb 28, 2013 3:19 am UTC

From my science teacher:

Someone: "Oh God!"
Teacher: "Oh, call me ______. God's a little much."

by **Vahir** » Fri Mar 08, 2013 1:55 am UTC

At one point in my eighth grade science class, we had to make a pressure rocket. My teacher quite wisely decided to show us how it's done... Indoors. It was in a portable outside the rest of the school. Suffice to say, the rocket went through the roof; It remained lodged in there for weeks afterwards, a hilarious reminder.

by **eaglewings51** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:07 am UTC

Two from my Journalism professor:

"Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you. Fool me 65 times, I'm not going to read your paper anymore."

"It's not like the Pomeranian is going to go on a shooting rampage."

And from my awesome history professor:

"I'm not sure what o.m.g is in Latin."

"It was like a one-man poetry slam for three days."

"I'm about to throw my lyrics in the trash and Jay-Z says, 'No, don't do it' and Beyonce's all 'Stop!' That's the equivalent."

"Venal offices which I love because it sounds so sinful. Venal offices, oooooh."

"Brains, it's all a crap shoot."

"Stupid chalkboard, doesn't have spellchecker."

by **Farabor** » Tue Mar 26, 2013 2:48 am UTC

My Spanish teacher, on giving an explanation on the proper uses of one two different words for "to know"

"Conoces the Muffin Man?"

by **Nicad** » Wed Mar 27, 2013 10:41 pm UTC

During my "Intro to Engineering" class last semester:
"Soldering irons are not compatible with eyes. Do not stick a soldering iron in your eye."
I really wonder what must have happened in a previous year to provoke that.

by **The Scyphozoa** » Thu Mar 28, 2013 4:29 am UTC

I just remembered one my Freshman English teacher said:
"My books are like babies. And you do not write on babies. You do not drop babies. You do not bend babies."

by **Whelan** » Thu Mar 28, 2013 10:09 am UTC

Our biology teacher used to (and probably still does) say that, "The microscopes are bunnies. And like bunnies, you do not pick them up by the ears, you do by the scruff of the neck. Also, always tidy away the cable."

by **Jaswinder** » Tue Apr 02, 2013 5:28 am UTC

leaders, make it their aim, their goal and their business to catch their people doing the right thing and reward them for it! A Simple THANK YOU' can have a massive impact!

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