I went to a doctor, who got bloodwork done, and set up another appointment with a different doctor in the same practice to talk about hormones. This place is very friendly, and has options on the trans female intake form to check for "I would like to go on estrogen" and "I would like to go on T blockers." Well, the second is super appealing to me, and if I'd known there were places that offered that I would probably have been on them years ago.
Because it's pretty much non-permanent, except for possible fertility issues, which is fine anyway because I don't want kids and anyway, there's sperm banking available.
Nonetheless, my mom took me aside the next day and I got a whole "Are you sure this is right?" and "I think you're going about this in the wrong order." talk.
For me wanting to go on not-even-feminizing hormone therapy.
I mean, I get that she's worried about me, but fuck, it's been three years, I'm the smartest person in the family, and the most analytical. I'm the one who didn't make a move for years because I wanted to be so sure that what I wanted would be right, I'm the one who's such a perfectionist, who's so obsessive-compulsive, who has such trouble making decisions, that I hate it when someone asks me what to pick for dinner. The one who finally finally overcame that to make one decision that deeply affects me and how I see myself, a decision which is entirely reversible except for possible effects that I would probably welcome on their own, and now I'm getting questioned about whether or not it's the right decision.
I get that she's just worried (though, one thing she was worried about was "how will people react if you start appearing more feminine?" Gee, I dunno, do you have an alternative that doesn't leave me avoiding the mirror because I don't want to see my face?), but it's hard to have that conversation and not feel like the other person thinks you're ten years old.
I'm likely a third the way to the grave. I can make my own decisions about my own life now. And I'll listen to concerns, but I don't want to feel like I'm ten when doing so.
She's nice and I get that she's just looking out for me, and I appreciate it, but it's really frustrating to feel like I have to jump through hoops and do things the way she thinks I should to make her satisfied.