[SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

[sambot5]

I'm giving a talk, so that would be really awkward.

That's the thing. I understand the symbolic reason for staying silent, but wouldn't it be more effective to be vocal? Not yelling, argumentative, in-your-face vocal, but being proactive and talking to people about LGBTIQQA issues.

I agree with the people who, for example, don't think there should be a black history month because it implies that african americans aren't seen as equal to everyone else.
Spoilered because not Safespace-appropriate. -Lanicita

Spoiler:

In the same way, I don't always like it when people make being queer their identity.

Being gay is an important part of who I am, but it isn't all of who I am (as much as it can seem that way in school). Then again, I don't think people should totally ignore minorities altogether.

*sigh* There's no simple answer.

After re-reading what I posted, I realized that what I wrote could sound like I don't like people who identify as being queer. That's not what I meant. I am very sorry if I offended anyone and I will be sure to be mindful about what I post in the future.

[natraj]

two things, one good and one... not... hm.

first i have been seeing a therapist who is really pretty awesome. i went in because i needed a letter from a therapist for to change my gender on my passport, and in my first meeting i said, i don't actually want therapy for being trans, i have other issues in my life but being trans is not really the one causing me the most problems (internally) even if other people can be a problem about it? i just need to have said i went to therapy so that the rest of the world will believe me. and that was pretty much that, after that they did not care whether i justified my Trans-Ness to them, they just were like okay what letter do you need? great.

this past week we discussed getting hormones and once again there was no Please Justify Yourself To Me, just oh, you have consider this and you want it? great. do you have any questions for me about this? and then we talk about hormones in terms of side effects etc. but that was basically it, and now i have a letter for my doctor saying i can start hormones whenever. yay? nervous but yay.

and for the other notsogood, spoilered for... hm. for a lot of weirdness around gender invalidating and... i don't even know.

Spoiler:

this weekend i was at a meeting that was in all other senses pretty awesome, it was an organizing meeting for a conference i help organize. at one point while we had paused for lunch everyone was talking and it came up that this upcoming weekend on the land we were on there was a Sister Circle coming up (unity/support/etc circle for women of colour) that meets monthly. a number of the other organizers at the meeting who are friends of mine were part of the circle, including the woman whose land we were on, and she invited me to join the circle. i thanked her for the invitation but said i do not identify as a woman (most of the people at the meeting know this, but some including her did not and though i identify as male i look fairly feminine-to-androgynous and am gendered as female by other people about 97% of the time until i correct them.) she said oh, okay, and then the conversation moved on, but at the end of the day when we were all leaving and exchanging hugs and goodbyes and all she invited me again back to the sister circle. i said again that i didn't think that was appropriate because it was a women's space and i was not a woman and she said that i was still welcome there and she thought -- i don't remember exactly what she said, that i would have an interesting viewpoint to bring to the circle, as someone who identifies as a man but is treated by society as a woman? anyway it was all very uncomfortable. i do not think it is my place to tell her who she should be comfortable with having at their gathering; i also do not think it is my place to have my voice in a women's space. i also think the repeated offer after i said i was not a woman was invalidating, but maybe she did not mean it that way, even so. i don't know it was all very discomfortable, i am not sure how to explain to her best.

[bluebambue]

Spoiler:

this weekend i was at a meeting that was in all other senses pretty awesome, it was an organizing meeting for a conference i help organize. at one point while we had paused for lunch everyone was talking and it came up that this upcoming weekend on the land we were on there was a Sister Circle coming up (unity/support/etc circle for women of colour) that meets monthly. a number of the other organizers at the meeting who are friends of mine were part of the circle, including the woman whose land we were on, and she invited me to join the circle. i thanked her for the invitation but said i do not identify as a woman (most of the people at the meeting know this, but some including her did not and though i identify as male i look fairly feminine-to-androgynous and am gendered as female by other people about 97% of the time until i correct them.) she said oh, okay, and then the conversation moved on, but at the end of the day when we were all leaving and exchanging hugs and goodbyes and all she invited me again back to the sister circle. i said again that i didn't think that was appropriate because it was a women's space and i was not a woman and she said that i was still welcome there and she thought -- i don't remember exactly what she said, that i would have an interesting viewpoint to bring to the circle, as someone who identifies as a man but is treated by society as a woman? anyway it was all very uncomfortable. i do not think it is my place to tell her who she should be comfortable with having at their gathering; i also do not think it is my place to have my voice in a women's space. i also think the repeated offer after i said i was not a woman was invalidating, but maybe she did not mean it that way, even so. i don't know it was all very discomfortable, i am not sure how to explain to her best.

Spoilered for speculation about her motives.

Spoiler:

To me it sounds like she was doing her best to be inclusive and to make you feel that she wasn't going to ostracize you because you came out as trans to her. She also might not have been sure whether you really meant your initial no and didn't want to take away a sportive place as she is likely aware trans people often face marginalization.

If you feel the need to explain to her that it make you feel uncomfortable maybe something like "I know that your intentions were good when you invited me to the Sister Circle, but the invitation made me feel that you don't really acknowledge that I am male."

[natashatasha]

It's been a wile since I've posted, so ere's what's been happening: I went to the doctor's appointment, got bounced around by a few doctors, and ended up with no hormones whatsoever So I've just been in a state of limbo since then.
What triggered my return out of limbo? We were talking in class today about last term's classes, and I mentioned that I enjoyed a paricular lecture, to which one of the women responded "that's because you're not a woman." While she had absolutely no way of knowing, it still stung, and the ensuing lecture was too incredibly boring to take my mind off it.

So now I have no idea what to do, but I do know if I have an unpleasant day I can always come here to you lovely people ♥

[Aaeriele]

So now I have no idea what to do

Are you able to give us more detail about what happened w/the doctor's office?

[meridian]

Yay! My dojo is going to have a booth at Pride this year! I won't be overwhelmed with insecurity about going because I'll have people to go with!

[Aaeriele]

Yay! My dojo is going to have a booth at Pride this year! I won't be overwhelmed with insecurity about going because I'll have people to go with!

yay!

[Black Dynamite]

It's been a wile since I've posted, so ere's what's been happening: I went to the doctor's appointment, got bounced around by a few doctors, and ended up with no hormones whatsoever So I've just been in a state of limbo since then.
What triggered my return out of limbo? We were talking in class today about last term's classes, and I mentioned that I enjoyed a paricular lecture, to which one of the women responded "that's because you're not a woman." While she had absolutely no way of knowing, it still stung, and the ensuing lecture was too incredibly boring to take my mind off it.

So now I have no idea what to do, but I do know if I have an unpleasant day I can always come here to you lovely people ♥

I'm sorry to hear your doctor troubles I hope all goes well and things move out of limbo and into where you want them to be. I'm also sorry about that woman and her snarkiness. Yeah, she doesn't know, but I know exactly how hurts to hear.

You're a lovely person too!

[natashatasha]

Are you able to give us more detail about what happened w/the doctor's office?

I was recommended a doctor by a trans*-group, but when I phoned them they said that they weren't taking new patients, and recommended me another doctor's practice, who was also not taking patients. This went on for a bit until I found a doctor that was willing to take new patients. When I went there, he said he had no expertise in the matter (which I felt was fair enough, we can't be experts in everything), and that he'd get me a referral to a doctor who did specialise it.
Next day he phones me, saying that he didn't get me a referral but arranged for a practice to phone me within a week to arrange an appointment with a particular doctor. After a week I phoned up the practice, and they told me they weren't taking new patience, and I told them what happened, but they said nothing of the sort had occurred. So I phoned up the original doctor, to find out what was going on ... only to find he doesn't work there anymore.

I gues I should just phone around for some more doctors, but that just made me feel awful, and it was hard enough telling the first one.

You're a lovely person too!

♥

[Aaeriele]

I gues I should just phone around for some more doctors, but that just made me feel awful, and it was hard enough telling the first one.

*hugs* Sorry you've been bounced around so much. I'd say you should definitely try to find someone though; don't give up.

[lucrezaborgia]

It's been a while, but I have an awesome blog for this thread. It's about a woman named 'Melissa' and she started her blogging journey talking about leaving fundamental Christianity. Well, some things have changed in their lives. Her husband came out to her as trans and her latest entries are about their journey in this together. She needs all the support that I can muster and I feel confident that people here can help her out! She's been getting a lot of negative comments from ignorant people.

http://ayoungmomsmusings.blogspot.com/2 ... ction.html

[lanicita]

Thank you, lucreziaborgia. That story was beautiful, and I want to keep reading the blog!

[doogly]

Yikes that is potent sauce.

[Aaeriele]

Yeah, it's an amazingly wonderful story (I had come across it elsewhere).

[Black Dynamite]

Wow, that was amazing! Thank you for sharing!

[Azrael001]

Wow, that was amazing! Thank you for sharing!

[lucrezaborgia]

I've been reading her blog for about a year now and it's amazing the changes that she's gone through! I really hope she puts it together in a book because it's an amazing story. Especially once you consider their origins and the fact that they got engaged and married within a few months and were both in fundamentalist Christian families.

[Black Dynamite]

I've been reading through lots of her posts and I find what she has to say is incredibly insightful. I just want to quote the hell out of almost every post I've read. Paste the quotes everywhere. I wish I knew more people like her.

Spoiler:

How many times have I been an uncomfortable witness to someone ranting about physical health. “How can anyone go to Mc Donalds when they look like that! If I was that fat I would just stay at home until I got a handle on my life.” or “It’s so sad to see people ruining their lives by being gluttonous. I hate when women act like being pregnant is an excuse to eat anything they want.” or "She'd be so pretty if she just got some self-control and lost a little weight."

I guess they think it’s safe to talk about it because they don’t see anyone they consider fat in the room. Have they ever thought that there might be a person within earshot (perhaps even their own daughter?) who struggles with an eating disorder? All she ever sees when she looks in the mirror is a huge fat body. Do you think she will struggle to enjoy eating her hamburger at the church picnic that afternoon, sure that someone is watching her and judging. Do you think that she will vomit it all up later out of guilt? Do you think she’ll go home that night and stand in front of the mirror crying over her “gluttony”? Do you think she will ever feel safe to talk about her struggles with body image when she already knows what they think about “fat” people. ... If you have a strong opinion on something, reconsider if and how you say anything. Because you never know who may be listening.

That was so powerful to me.

[lucrezaborgia]

It's even more amazing when you consider her home education was more about learning how to be a submissive baby machine than stuff you and me would consider important.

[Wyvern]

That blog is really fantastic, It's brought tears to my eyes dozens of times. (I just discovered it an hour ago)

It touched my heart and inspired me to write an email to my mother, which, is something I haven't done in months. I linked the blog to her too, I really want her to read that story.

I hope she reads it. It would be heartbreaking for my own mother to refuse such an opportunity to learn so much.

[Shivahn]

So, I have a quick question. I just went to the doctor and have another appointment set up for a couple weeks, but have something sort of important I forgot to ask (and they are far too busy for me to call, I think, and it's not relevant now anyway, but I really need to know for curiosity and planning sake.

Anyway. So, antiandrogenic drugs like spiro can cause erectile dysfunction. Does anyone know

1) If this always happens, usually, or sometimes.

2) Is it safe to take medicine like viagra in combination with it?

I realize that there are questions that need to be asked to the doctor (and I will during my appointment!) but I'd appreciate any answers now, for the sake of attempting to see what the future might hold.

Edit: The internet seems to have answered my questions, for the most part.

[Black Dynamite]

What were the answers, may I ask? I've come across various sources that say opposite things.

Spoiler'd for triggers dealing with (T) porn things

Spoiler:

Although I haven't read anything medical or scientific, or even first hand accounts, about pre-op trans women taking viagra, I have seen people online talk about how trans women in the porn industry often do take it regularly in order to perform. Those girls seem okay; I think Bailey Jay does, and she seems pretty healthy to me (I have no way of knowing otherwise, though). Though this speculation is from some of the different chan sites, which aren't exactly reliable.

[Shivahn]

The Internet indicates that Viagra is fine for trans women to take, and will have the expected effect.

I got the information from here, which is... pretty trustworthy, I'd think!

Honestly, my only real question-that-a-doctor-needs-to-answer left is what various hormones do to hair. And that is complicated I'm sure.

[Jessica]

I got an email from my surgeon's office.

I might have an appointment in Sept? I'm not sure as her English is a little broken (yay for Montreal).

Regarding trans porn stars: Drew Deveaux is awesome, as is Tobi hill-meyer. Wish I knew more feminist trans porn stars.

[Brace]

I'm almost certainly going to get my first B in two years. I had a nervous breakdown over it last night and had to call off of work.

[Jessica]

Holy fuck I have a surgery date!

[Monika]

I'm almost certainly going to get my first B in two years. I had a nervous breakdown over it last night and had to call off of work.

*hugs*

[Brace]

Holy fuck I have a surgery date!

Congrats! That's huge.

[natraj]

Holy fuck I have a surgery date!

i first read this as 'sugary date' and was like, oo, omnom, did you pour maple syrup on them? because i would dig that in my dates, maybe,

but then i read it the right way and that is even more awesome still! yay surgery that is rad!

[Shivahn]

Yay! That's awesome!

[poxic]

Apropos of nothing in particular: a memepic I just found. One that doesn't completely suck.

Spoiler:

internet-memes-attagirl.jpg (44.07 KiB) Viewed 12416 times

[Black Dynamite]

Holy fuck I have a surgery date!

That's awesome!

The Internet indicates that Viagra is fine for trans women to take, and will have the expected effect.

I got the information from here, which is... pretty trustworthy, I'd think!

Honestly, my only real question-that-a-doctor-needs-to-answer left is what various hormones do to hair. And that is complicated I'm sure.

Thank you

[RollingHead]

Apropos of nothing in particular: a memepic I just found. One that doesn't completely suck.

Spoiler:

internet-memes-attagirl.jpg

Debbie! <3
Also random: my friends complimented me for playing a lesbian character in last week's theatre performance.

[Jessica]

Spoiler:

I just found out about /r/transpassing.

It makes me depressed that this exists. That it's so important to trans people, especially trans women. That it's one of the first things if you're just coming out that you're told to focus on, by both trans people, and society in general. It makes me sad, now that I've gone through it, that I've done the worrying about passing, worrying about wearing skirts and stuff, that this is still normal, 10 years after I started looking into this. Which was the way it was 10 years before that.

Sorry, more of just a depressing comment about our trans-misogynist society. This focus on looking cis, the punishment for looking trans. Not to mention the attacks on trans women for looking cis, or trying to be femme, or not trying to be femme.

So much fucked up. Sorry.

[Azrael001]

The other side of the coin is that many trans people want to pass, and a relatively safe place where they can ask for advice seems like something that should exist. It would be nice if it was superfluous, but as it is not, I think that it might at least have some positive benefit.

[Jessica]

Spoilered the previous post. Will continue in spoilers from now on.

Spoiler:

How can I say this in a safespace... it's not wrong that it happens, and it's not wrong to want a safeplace to do it. There are problems with the concept of passing (especially when there are intersections of other issues, like race and ability) and there is something just off about the amount that trans people, especially trans women are expected to care about this one aspect. Everything can hinge on passing, and everything has an aspect which can pass or not. I wish we lived in a world where trans women's safety didn't depend on passing, especially passing as white, and attractive. I wish that it could be more about how the individual person feels about their bodies, as opposed to how everyone else sees and judges their bodies.

It's... weird. And I'm sorry.

[sambot5]

[deleted for IRL safety reasons]

[Brace]

I may have a job lined up for after college. I don't have the most competitive profile, but the skill assessment interview won't be until after I graduate, which gives me time to improve myself. I at least have equity in something big though, which is a nice if stressful position to be in.

[Shivahn]

Ugh, this happened several days ago and I didn't post because I thought it was just something that bugged me then, but it turns out sometimes I harbor resentment for multiple days and need to express it.

Spoiler:

I went to a doctor, who got bloodwork done, and set up another appointment with a different doctor in the same practice to talk about hormones. This place is very friendly, and has options on the trans female intake form to check for "I would like to go on estrogen" and "I would like to go on T blockers." Well, the second is super appealing to me, and if I'd known there were places that offered that I would probably have been on them years ago.

Because it's pretty much non-permanent, except for possible fertility issues, which is fine anyway because I don't want kids and anyway, there's sperm banking available.

Nonetheless, my mom took me aside the next day and I got a whole "Are you sure this is right?" and "I think you're going about this in the wrong order." talk.

For me wanting to go on not-even-feminizing hormone therapy.

I mean, I get that she's worried about me, but fuck, it's been three years, I'm the smartest person in the family, and the most analytical. I'm the one who didn't make a move for years because I wanted to be so sure that what I wanted would be right, I'm the one who's such a perfectionist, who's so obsessive-compulsive, who has such trouble making decisions, that I hate it when someone asks me what to pick for dinner. The one who finally finally overcame that to make one decision that deeply affects me and how I see myself, a decision which is entirely reversible except for possible effects that I would probably welcome on their own, and now I'm getting questioned about whether or not it's the right decision.

I get that she's just worried (though, one thing she was worried about was "how will people react if you start appearing more feminine?" Gee, I dunno, do you have an alternative that doesn't leave me avoiding the mirror because I don't want to see my face?), but it's hard to have that conversation and not feel like the other person thinks you're ten years old.

I'm likely a third the way to the grave. I can make my own decisions about my own life now. And I'll listen to concerns, but I don't want to feel like I'm ten when doing so.

She's nice and I get that she's just looking out for me, and I appreciate it, but it's really frustrating to feel like I have to jump through hoops and do things the way she thinks I should to make her satisfied.

[Brace]

It's hard because your struggle has been internal, so nobody else has seen you jump through all the hoops that they're now trying to get you to go through again while they're watching. Still, you think they'd make a basic inference. Maybe go "oh, that's what they were struggling with that was weighing them down and distracting them", since those particular symptoms tend to get noticed. Instead the monkey part of their brain just comes to the conclusion you made a random spontaneous decision just because they've never heard about it until now.