Escape from Raptors

[LOLBeth]

They chop you into pieces with the trowel and plant the leftovers in pots.

I leave them waiting in the living room until they get tired and lean against the wall. Then I cover them with wallpaper.

[Badion]

Their mother finds out what you have done and sends her southern cousins to eat you. They fry you.


I attack the raptors with Bruce Schneier

[LOLBeth]

They eat Saladin and his mom, with salad, and have you for dessert.

I attack them with salad forks and a really tangy vinaigrette.

[orangedragonfire]

They ignore the forks, soak you in the vinaigrette, then slowly roast your and eat you.

I point in a random direction and shout: "Look! A distraction!"

[Mike Rosoft]

The distraction happens to be a three-headed raptor. It eats you.

I use Starlight Breaker on the raptors.

[Bartimaeus]

You, and humanity, are destroyed in the process, all is for naught.

I try to give them hugs.

[orangedragonfire]

Raptors dislike hugs. They do appreciate that you come close enough to be eaten though; they are used to having to hunt their prey.

I jump on their heads.

[Badion]

You successfully jump on their heads but lack any special skill to kill in that fashion and you are promptly eaten by a vengeful Raptor with a headache. He makes the it a slow death.

I nuke the ever-loving-shizer out of the Raptors from a space based launch facility.


Edit* 4/30/2012

Having nuked the raptors there appears to be no additional threat. As of this post 5 days have passed and nothing has attacked.

[Arlick]

Your forgot the space raptors. They were merely waiting until your guard was down, infiltrating the base and learning the layout so they could initiate their plan of utter annihilation.

I dig a hole and pretend to be a potato.

[matt96]

It turns out that potatoes are the new coal for raptor society, you get burned as fuel to power a generator that the heated streets are run on (raptors don't like shoveling or plowing, so the heat the streets instead)


I move to Russia, as the only thing that can hold off the raptors for more than a day is crazy (probably drunk) Russians with heavy weaponry.

[Texan_Engineer]

The russians get so drunk that they cannot see or shoot straight. The raptors eat the russians. Then the raptors come after you in heated suits.

I make allies with the raptors, they are my friends... i help them hunt down the last of humanity.

[Badion]

Having used you completely, they stab you in the back.

I fashion an intricate raptor skin and pretend to be a raptor.

[Metazoan]

Yeeeesssss!!!!!

I killed my first Raptor.

Using my trusty .44 magnum I blew its head clean off.

It was slower than usual, strange....

Why does it have a zipper up the front?

Ho hum...

Five left,

Do you feel lucky, Raptor?

[bug sniper]

You are shooting at humans that the raptors have subconsciously convinced to dress as raptors, so that you will shoot them and run out of bullets when the real raptors arrive.

Inside my house, I have plenty of food and water to last until the raptor attack is over. I have SCP-159 on my wall and cut the power cord while melting the nearby power outlets. Notice that destructive tactics won't work because when SCP-159 is "deactivated by removing it from a standard power outlet, the building or room it is currently being displayed for becomes impossible by any means to enter."

[SchighSchagh]

Feeling completely at ease, you pull out your old Nintendo and set up Duck Hunt. You ease into your comfy gaming chair, and start blasting ducks. You're kind of rusty at the game though so you miss a duck. Just as the dog peeks up to laugh at you, you discover that your oh-so-comfy chair is actually a shape-shifting raptor.

I escape from raptors via the only means available: I find anti-me and annihilate myself.

[Metazoan]

Ha! They are way ahead of you.

For many years now they have been cloning copies of you and releasing you into the wild for their sport.

There is no escape.


I am trying the old 'putting a lampshade on my head and standing still' trick.

[orangedragonfire]

Eventually you need to move in order to eat. The raptors notice you then.

I try the inverse of the trick above - putting lampshades on the heads of the raptors, hoping this will compel them not to move.

[careyhammer]

Nope, the raptors eat the lampshades and then eat you.

I polymorph myself into a Raptor and blend into the crowd of them.

[[username]]

Unfortunately for you, your blood remains unchanged. Their keen sense of smell outs you almost immediately.
Not to mention that polymorphing isn't real.

I simply take a small boat to the middle of the Pacific, complete with adequate sustenance for about a month's worth of living. Hey, it's better than dying now.

[eculc]

the raptors learn how to fly helicopters. they hunt you down and...(wait for it!)...eat you.

I turn on godmode.

[orangedragonfire]

The raptors don't care about the silly videogame in which you turned on godmode. They eat you and smash your game system.

I hide in a cave behind some suspicious looking rocks.

[[username]]

Those rocks seemed suspicious... Because they were raptors. Silly ODF.

I position myself in a perfectly soundproof room, in hopes of raptors going mad while trying to pursue me.

[eculc]

the raptors tear open the wall, and the room is no longer soundproof. they kill you.

I build a gun which condenses air into bullets, and use it to defend myself.

[Badion]

You die while your air compressor takes time to condense air particles.

I tame a raptor politician and have him fight for human rights.

[eculc]

It turns out, raptors have a very effective way of dealing with politicians: they eat them. and then they eat all the humans.

I build a raptor-proof house which automatically kills all raptors inside or nearby.

[[username]]

Unfortunately for you, you programmed your house with an XOR instead of an OR, which means that raptors both in the house and nearby the house are not killed. Also you built your house around a raptor, which patiently waited until you were finished so it could mock you before you die. It mocks you. You die.

I stay in bed as long as I can, hoping the raptors don't start invading people's houses and attacking at their beds.

[eculc]

They're climbin' in your windows, snatchin' your people up, tryin' to Rape Eat 'Em...yeah, I think you know where this is going.

I become a raptor holy man. they worship me as an idol.

[Lawsome]

They martyr you.

I jump to a parallel universe.

[Badion]

As in all parallel universes there are raptors and while they do not like the taste of humans, they love the way they scream when they die. You are enlisted as a human gladiator who fights other humans. You die in 20 seconds of your first match, soiled in urine and covered in your own feces.

I time jump to when raptors where not yet evolved and I find and kill the raptor root. I then jump back to the newly altered time stream, free of the raptors which I so feared.

[[username]]

Raptors from the previously mentioned alternate universe, though much later in their time stream, sense the lack of raptors in our own universe. They travel here, then time jump to when humans where_[sic] not yet evolved and they find and kill the human root. They then populate the Earth from there, becoming the dominant species utilizing the ability to infinitely evolve in a small time frame. Long story short, you never existed, so get negative points.

I use the power of the paradox created to launch into the raptor-dominant time stream as a raptor, and simply live my life as a perfectly evolved being.

[eculc]

Quantum uncertainty principles force you to enter a series of realities in which you both do and do not exist. in the realities that you do exist, the raptors eat you. in the realities that you don't exist...well, you don't exist.

I create an indestructable human-like robot with the memory storage space to hold my complete conciousness. I transfer my conciousness to the robot, thereby becoming immune to all raptor attempts to harm me.

[Lawsome]

Two words. Robot raptors.

I shoot myself in the head. It's a much better fate then death by raptor, so in a way, I have escaped.

[eculc]

the rules say killing yourself doesn't count. so...sucks.

I become the raptor's supreme overlord and command them as their all-powerful god.

[orangedragonfire]

Turns out the raptors faith includes a ritual called "Hunting and then eating their God."

I contact sufficiently advanced aliens, and convince them to protect me from the raptors.

[eculc]

the aliens recieve a garbled transmission and think you said "protect the raptors from me".they do so.

I sell the raptors other sources of food in exchange for my life.

[orangedragonfire]

Raptors are greedy. They consume both the other sources of food and you.

I send a clear transmission to sufficiently advanced aliens, and convince them to protect me from the raptors.

[Badion]

They arrive prepared to go to war with the raptors. However, the plan requires them to strip the planet of every natural resource in-order to make the return trip home. They destroy the raptors but leave you on a dead planet. You die of either, starvation, exposure, or suicide. The choice is yours.

I infect the entire species of raptors with a virus that kills them very quickly.

[eculc]

Top raptor scientists discover that some raptors have a genetic immunity to the virus. they synthesize a cure shortly before the majority of the raptors die. with their newfound knowledge of genetics and virology, they create a virus that paralyzes humans and makes them more delicious to eat. they test it on you.

I escape this universe and enter a parallel universe where raptors have been hunted to near-extinction due to their delicious meat. I become a master raptor hunter and return to my universe with the other universe's best hunters and chefs. I start a restaurant chain focused on selling prepared raptor meat.

[[username]]

There is no such universe. Raptors will always come to existence and full capability.

I turn into a mole, and burrow into the earth as far as safely possible. I make that my home.

[Badion]

Raptors have begun tapping the earths core for energy, which we all know they would do. Your little cozy home is right in the center of the biggest lava pipe they are laying. You burn horribly.


I invent a poison that I can ingest which makes me poisonous to raptors.