[SAFESPACE] LGBTIQQA Thread - Queer Support!

[Azrael001]

That is very much what it feels like my parents are like right now. Luckily I am on my own and financially independent, so it's less of an issue.

I also had half a post written in response to Jessica that I lost because of bad timing. I think it was something like "I agree, but I've got rose coloured glasses, despite pretending to be cynical, boop doop, I am a tool."

Super Late edit: Fixed typo from phone typing. Oh Science I need internet at home again.

[FreyasSpirit]

*hug*

My parents are definitely in the same position. My dad is explicitly against me transitioning (through not vocal about it, he pretends it's not happening) and I think my mom feels like she's in the position to do damage control:

"Are you sure you want *that* name?"
"Don't mention it at the family party, I don't want them telling grandma"

and the list goes on. I'm lucky that I was in a position to be financially independent when I told my parents if necessary, but it didn't get to that.


How close are you to your parents? It might not be the healthiest thing to do, but you have the option of isolating yourself from your mom emotionally for as long as you need. If you'd like to keep her close to you, you should come up with some plan to convince her that you are making the right decision. It will probably take a lot of effort and only you can answer whether that effort is worth it.

[Shivahn]

*hugs* to everyone. Thanks.

How close are you to your parents? It might not be the healthiest thing to do, but you have the option of isolating yourself from your mom emotionally for as long as you need. If you'd like to keep her close to you, you should come up with some plan to convince her that you are making the right decision. It will probably take a lot of effort and only you can answer whether that effort is worth it.

It's not that bad, it's pretty minor really. It's not so much what she was saying as how she went about it. There are good ways to voice concerns, and "I'm not sure you've thought this through" to someone who never stops thinking (to the point where they get insomnia if something interesting has just happened) and has been thinking about the subject for years is not really a good way to voice concerns without sounding like you think they're a child.

[Black Dynamite]

*Hugs to everyone as well*

I'm happy this thread exists.

[Aaeriele]

*Hugs to everyone as well*

I'm happy this thread exists.

*squee* Oh, they're so adorable...

[DaBigCheez]

*Hugs to everyone as well*

I'm happy this thread exists.

Tangle buddies!

[Monika]

So cute <3

Oh by the way I have two girlfriends now. And on a recent weekend I went with my husband to a concert girlfriend 1 participated in so they got to meet. I had met her husband once before, also pretty recently.

With girlfriend 2 things are a bit different, I met her husband and her kids on the very first meeting.

The kids are not informed about the nature of our relationship/meetings, but kids are just too damned observing . "Mommy, why are you dressed up like this?"

[Amie]

"Hey it's lunch time and we have nothing substantial to talk about so let's do some gay bashing. People announcing publicly that they're gay is so weiiiiirddd, no?"

Every. Single. Time.

FML.

[natashatasha]

Okay, booked another doctor's appointment for Monday ... hope everything goes well this time. I want to start HRT before my birthday.

[Monika]

When's your birthday?

[Aaeriele]

"Hey it's lunch time and we have nothing substantial to talk about so let's do some gay bashing. People announcing publicly that they're gay is so weiiiiirddd, no?"

Every. Single. Time.

FML.

Ugh, yeah. I hate that... because not only is it disrespectful, but it's made worse by the fact that they obviously assume everyone agrees with them.

[natashatasha]

When's your birthday?

In June, so another month and a half away.

[Black Dynamite]

I hope it goes well. I belieeeeeeeve in you!

[PM 2Ring]

* big hugs * to natashatasha, Shivahn, natraj, FreyasSpirit & others going through problems with HRT & family acceptance.

Argh! My brother outed me to my uncles! They were very accepting, but I wasn't ready to tell them yet.

I'm so angry at my brother. I thought I could trust him to wait for me to tell people, not have him blurt it out! What if he's told a bunch of other people?!

Oops! It can be scary when people out you without permission. *hugs* But don't be too hard on your brother: he probably thought he was being helpful. So rather than being angry with your brother gently explain to him why he can't out you without your explicit permission. When you're not out except to selected individuals you effectively drag them into the closet with you. That can put a lot of psychological pressure on them to keep your secret, and some people don't cope well with that pressure. Or they don't see it as the big deal that you do and feel that it's ok to tell others, since they believe that it's going to be common knowledge in the near future.

"Hey it's lunch time and we have nothing substantial to talk about so let's do some gay bashing. People announcing publicly that they're gay is so weiiiiirddd, no?"

Every. Single. Time.

FML.

Ugh, yeah. I hate that... because not only is it disrespectful, but it's made worse by the fact that they obviously assume everyone agrees with them.

The anti-gay sentiments are bad enough, but the accompanying smarmy self-righteousness really makes it unpleasant. While I don't like it one bit, I can kind of forgive people for feeling uncomfortable about gay stuff, as that's just an unfortunate result of their social conditioning, but it makes me angry when such people act as if they're defending traditional Family Values against the evil / immoral non-straight people.

[Bassoon]

Spoiler'd for my roommate's friends' terrible, terrible hate speech.

Spoiler:

I just spent a terrible hour with roommate and his vile friends. My roommate really isn't bad at all, but while they were playing video games, I heard so much nigger this and retard that, and of course the obligatory gay smears and stuff.

I'm so glad semester is almost over. One more week! And then I don't have to see these people ever again!

[Brace]

I'm still a straight A student :3

[Роберт]

I'm still a straight A student :3

w00t.

[XJ_0]

Went to the NH DMV, to-day, because of a change of address.

Spoiler:

They used my old photo (which was taken when I had hardly begun T, and I look much different now). Also, I had altered my ID so that the sex marker was now "M," but they changed that back (without saying anything; am thankful for no confrontation). Am unhappy. v_v,

[Black Dynamite]

I'm happy you didn't have to fight anyone over your ID, for any reason, but I'm sad it isn't how it should be.

[Shro]

Obama's new stance on gay marriage
-Interview with Good Morning America will air Thursday

Breakdown of gay rights in the US by state

[Aaeriele]

Breakdown of gay rights in the US by state

Now if only news sources would stop using 'gay' as a shorthand for anything not "hetero cis"...

[eternauta3k]

Rainbows for all?

Argentina allows legal sex/gender marker change without undergoing medical procedures and guarantees hormones and surgery are covered by insurance


Edit: better link text

[Brace]

Part of me just thinks that Argentina will vote in favor of anything that costs money, but that is still amazing and wonderful.

[Black Dynamite]

Tom Gabel, the lead singer for a band called Against Me! came out as trans a few days ago. I think that's totally awesome, even though I've never listened to any of the band's music.

[Monika]

I'm still a straight A student :3

Yay! \o/ Congrats.

Argentina allows legal sex/gender marker change without undergoing medical procedures and guarantees hormones and surgery are covered by insurance

Totally awesome!

Went to the NH DMV, to-day, because of a change of address.

Spoiler:

They used my old photo (which was taken when I had hardly begun T, and I look much different now). Also, I had altered my ID so that the sex marker was now "M," but they changed that back (without saying anything; am thankful for no confrontation). Am unhappy. v_v,

That's mean . *hugs*

I had noticed a long time ago that German driver's licenses do not have gender markers, which is not so surprising, as they are not legal IDs. Mine doesn't even have my legal name, I wanted to change it after my marriage and they told me no, I don't have to do that. But only recently (like last week or so) I realized that German IDs also don't have a gender marker, after I read a German trans person writing about this. So we only have gender markers in passports. I googled some German birth certificates, some mention gender, some don't, apparently depending on the year of birth (some also mention the religion of the parents and the profession of the father ... yeah, the older ones), e.g. this one mentions no gender: http://www.saar-nostalgie.de/Bilder/Dok ... unde1a.jpg OTOH until very recently (2005 or so) it was legally required that children be given at least one name that is not genderneutral. And there must have been some other kind of register of the legal gender ... change of the first name with an exemption of matching the legal gender is done fairly early in transitioning in Germany, but the legal gender marker is only change in the end, according to what I read. (Since the beginning of last year surgery requirements were declared illegal by a higher court, finally.)

[Amie]

"Hey it's lunch time and we have nothing substantial to talk about so let's do some gay bashing. People announcing publicly that they're gay is so weiiiiirddd, no?"

Every. Single. Time.

FML.

Ugh, yeah. I hate that... because not only is it disrespectful, but it's made worse by the fact that they obviously assume everyone agrees with them.

The anti-gay sentiments are bad enough, but the accompanying smarmy self-righteousness really makes it unpleasant. While I don't like it one bit, I can kind of forgive people for feeling uncomfortable about gay stuff, as that's just an unfortunate result of their social conditioning, but it makes me angry when such people act as if they're defending traditional Family Values against the evil / immoral non-straight people.

Trouble is, I have to somehow find a way to be friends with them. I've just started this new job that couldn't get any better for me but I have to blend in and somehow tolerate these people.

In other news, the music webzine that I write for has told me that they'll put up the disclaimer that I proposed... they edited it a bit from what I'd given in initially but could some of you please take a look and let me know if anything should be changed? Here's the whole text:

“If you have the skills and the talent, we have the scope. Calling all writers, photographers, designers, developers and videographers to join our teams in Goa, Chennai, Delhi, Mumbai, Pune, Kolkata, Hyderabad and the North East.

What's the Scene does not discriminate on the basis of gender (or non-association with gender), class, race, sexual orientation or disability. We believe that any "handicap" only exists because people let it. We don't subscribe to conformist views and are open to innovation and creativity from anyone with the time and inclination.”

[PerchloricAcid]

Melissa is so amazing.

[PerchloricAcid]

Oh by the way I have two girlfriends now.

I reaaally don't mean to be rude, it's just very intriguing
How do you manage to do that? How did you end up in such a relationship with your husband?
That's completely wonderful

[Brace]

Edit:

[Wednesday]

Whelp. A whole two years have passed since I've last posted here, and absolutely *nothing* about my sexuality has become more clear. What the fuck, brain. What the fuck.

[Monika]

Oh by the way I have two girlfriends now.

I reaaally don't mean to be rude, it's just very intriguing
How do you manage to do that? How did you end up in such a relationship with your husband?
That's completely wonderful

Considering how much I was fretting about how I could get a girlfriend having a husband, it was surprisingly trivial. There are loads full of beautiful bisexual women married to men / living together in a primary relationship with a man who are just waiting to date other bisexual women in the same situation.
I can't speak for all bisexual women, but just in my dating community this applies to about 80-90% or so of the women there. The other 10%-20% are mostly single bisexual women and a couple of lesbians who prefer to date bisexual women or are at least open to this idea.
(There are lesbian groups in this dating community, too. They put up a sign they don't want bisexual women . I guess what they mean is that they are looking for monogamous relationships.)
Oh and my husband simply is okay with it. Of the non-single women 90% told their male partner they are dating women and 10% kept it a secret. (For this we had a survey in the group.)

[PerchloricAcid]

That's really interesting!
My boyfriend would very much not like me having other girlfriends (I'm a bi cis girl).

[Wednesday]

Poly++ ?

[Cathy]

Monika,

I'm a cis bi woman married to a man and I have a male lover. Poly++! I've had little success finding women interested in women... I am happy for your happiness!

As to how things end up this way, my hubby and I had been talking about my curiosity about poly for quite a while, and when an opportunity came up, I talked to him about it and he was great about it. The conclusion he came to was what makes me happy is what makes me happy! I do these things on my time, not in "us time" and I come back home to him. It's wonderful that he *trusts* me to come back home to him. Communication! Hubby and I talk about any new thing - going to a scary movie late night, I didn't want to drive home in the dark, so he decided it was okay with him to have me stay over with lover. Another time, I was at a party near lover's place and hubby decided that he'd be more comfortable driving me home. It does help that lover's moving out of the state in about 2 months. It gives it definite time limits. Lover's very determined to not fuck with my marriage and is good about communication and understanding.

I was pleasantly surprised by how well all this works out.

Uhm, sorry, I know this isn't a poly safespace! You guys are great and I hope you're happy!

[Brace]

Screw that. Poly is great. I'm much more ignorant and perhaps even bigoted about monogamy, particularly the state sanctioned variety.

[natashatasha]

Two things happened today. First, I bought a beautiful necklace/choker and it arrived:

So that put me in a good mood ^_^

And then the doctor's appointment. First off, she had no idea what a trans woman was, so I explained it to her, and naturally she said it wasn't her field. Fair enough, we can't all be specialists in everything, so I asked if she could refer me to someone who could help, and she said she would try to find out.
She phones me an hour later, saying that there's absolutely no one in Canberra who can help me get HRT, and that I may be able to get help with 'someone Bennett' (her words, not mine) who used to work in Sydney.

Now I have absolutely no idea what to do, and feel lost. I was hoping to start HRT by my birthday, but now it looks like I won't be able to start it even this year if it's true

[dragon]

So that put me in a good mood ^_^

And then the doctor's appointment. First off, she had no idea what a trans woman was, so I explained it to her, and naturally she said it wasn't her field. Fair enough, we can't all be specialists in everything, so I asked if she could refer me to someone who could help, and she said she would try to find out.
She phones me an hour later, saying that there's absolutely no one in Canberra who can help me get HRT, and that I may be able to get help with 'someone Bennett' (her words, not mine) who used to work in Sydney.

Now I have absolutely no idea what to do, and feel lost. I was hoping to start HRT by my birthday, but now it looks like I won't be able to start it even this year if it's true

That sucks! You did well for going but wow, I'm amazed that the doctor you saw could know nothing of trans people.

Going from completely oblivious to "absolutely no one in Canberra" in an hour, I wouldn't trust that she's correct on this. Your local support groups are most likely to know where to try next. I found this listing of some transgender support contacts in the Canberra area, they might be able to help with where to go from here. The yahoo group for the new Canberra Transgender Network group is pretty active.

[Shivahn]

I'm quite sure you can find someone there, natashatasha. It's hard, but don't get too discouraged. dragon has great ideas.

[Monika]

I'm a cis bi woman married to a man and I have a male lover. Poly++! I've had little success finding women interested in women... I am happy for your happiness!

I don't think I would have managed reallife. I do onlinedating.

She phones me an hour later, saying that there's absolutely no one in Canberra who can help me get HRT, and that I may be able to get help with 'someone Bennett' (her words, not mine) who used to work in Sydney.

Now I have absolutely no idea what to do, and feel lost. I was hoping to start HRT by my birthday, but now it looks like I won't be able to start it even this year if it's true

In one hour, how many people can she have called? She apparently called ONE colleague who told her there is no one and s/he only knows of some Bennett person who used to work in Sydney. This is not particularly likely to be true. *hugs* Try others & get recommendations from other trans people.


In other bad news one of my lesbian colleagues is being harassed by her manager. The anti-discrimination officer is with her (the lesbian colleague), but anyway the situation is so bad she will look for a different job within the company as soon as possible.

[Shivahn]

In other bad news one of my lesbian colleagues is being harassed by her manager. The anti-discrimination officer is with her (the lesbian colleague), but anyway the situation is so bad she will look for a different job within the company as soon as possible.

I'm sorry to hear that . That people have to do that is unfortunate.

In slightly happier news...

Spoiler:

I went to Planned Parenthood today and talked to their trans-expert-doctor person. She is super cool and friendly and basically all for people being in charge of everything in regards to themselves. I asked (and she agreed to) give me a prescription for spironolactone that I could just call her and tell her I was gonna start, then make a follow up. No "Well, if you're not absolutely sure about everything forever," or "Well, unless you're gonna go all the way" crap. So now I have a little piece of paper I can turn in to the drug people and get anti-androgens. I told her I wasn't sure, but I'm pretty sure I'm just still weird about talking to it to doctors. Because I wanted to start as soon as I left the clinic.

I'll see where I'm feeling in a few days.

Also, it turns out that in some regards, MtF folks are lucky - pretty much the only irreversible effect of going on full HRT is breast growth. Everything else can revert if you stop taking the drugs, which means.. well, frankly, I am in about as much control of my body as biology is. So that's neat.