I'm accidently in love again with a lady I've tried to be just friends with. Realised with an 'oh ffs' when I awoke this morning from my fourth or fifth dream in a fortnight she's been in.
Last night's fiasco started regularily enough; Stood in a fenced field with a few other randoms waiting for the event organisers to bring in the 12 foot tall, obese zombie scarecrow things filled with ball pool balls into the area. Using wooden barbecue skewers we worked the balls out of them before the blind and deaf (sewn shut sensory crevices) zombies also in the field caught onto the scent of the plastic balls and went berserker mode and would eat us all. After a succesful round I retired into the converted barn for a few beers and a game of musical chairs with downing pints as a forfeit. I wander into the kitchen area where it's a bit quieter. Chat with a few lads in there, comment on how the indian guys are actually 'blacker' then the african guys then tell one of the indian guys "well you're not black anyway, you're brown" He gets mega angry and punches me in the eye before storming off. Eye swells up magnificently, I mean completey closed with tennis ball sized swelling. Checking it out in a conviently placed mirror and the lady in question walks in.
"Hey, just saying goodbye, I'm off to India now"
"Wha? When you back?"
"Never... I'm going to work for my dad's business, it means moving over there, was nice knowing you"
She goes out the door into a bustling car park/parade like thing and hops into a massive pinky/purple 4x4 which pulls away as a business suited arm waves once out the window.
I look around flabbergasted, I never got a chance to tell her how I feel, what the fuck can I do??
This man walks over:
and asks if there's a problem.
I ask if he saw which way a bright purple car went.
"over there" *points to a penelope pitstop style convertible parked on the grass*
"no, no, it was like 8 feet tall, massive"
"Oh you mean blahblah's car, they left, they were following Ken's batmobile in the procession they won't have gone far yet"
He says something into his earpiece radio and a motocross stunt rider screams round the corner, scooping me onto his shoulders and tearing off onto a country lane, hot on the tail of the dissappearing parade of wierd cars. I cling on for dear life and another motorcrosser rides up behind up to help balance me. We soon catch up to the batmobile but the 4x4 is nowhere in sight.....
I try to communicate to the rider that we've lost them, might as well stop. We pass the batmobile and he veers off the road leaving the support rider behind and starts across a field of tall grass. I assume he must know where he's heading and tighten my grip. We hurtle across fields, down a motorway and through several back streets. It's getting dark,raining and I'm finding it harder to stay on balance and am wondering how he can navigate with my legs wrapped around his helmet (for some reason my ankles are bound together at this point), all I can do is cling on as every turn and bounce nearly sends me flying. He takes a hard corner and I have to grab the shoulders of his t-shirt, nearly pulling it over his head he protests slightly but carries on course. At this point a "director's commentary note" appears in my vision..
"We could have made this scene smoother but we wanted one continuous shot so kept it like this"
We dart through a ginnel or two and screech to halt at a front door he unceremoniously dumps me onto the doorstep, knocks then screeches off. The door is opened by the lady, she's in tears.
"I was about to leave but then I got your letter...(I never sent one but somehow I know that the suited guy who called in the motorbike wrote it for me and somehow got it delivered faster than a speeding stunt driver) I'm staying... I..I love you too!!"
She bends down and embraces, untying my ankles.
I wake up, the first thing I think is.... "well... that was canned crazy....oh ffs not again...."