Standard MNN opening: "Ni ni ni ni chupacabra ping pong ball"
Female radio host wrote:Welcome to the Molpy News Network's exclusive coverage of the Pope's consecration of the new Sacred Grounds of the Holy Contradiction.
Male radio host wrote:Now that's a mouthful! But don't worry, we'll break it into small parts so that it's easy for our listeners to understand.
Female radio host wrote:So what is so special about this ground that they are making it Sacred Land?
Male radio host wrote:I'm glad you asked that! Remember it was only a few hours ago that the Pope discovered the reason for all the flooding that has been such a problem these last several mips, and brought about a Great Miracle that literally stemmed the tide.
Female radio host wrote:Literally? Surely you mean figuratively, don't you? That word is getting so abused it's literally being run into the ground.
Male radio host wrote:No, I literally mean literally. That was the miracle - that gigantic waterfall was flooding the all land, and now because of the Pope's heroic actions, it isn't. He made it stop. He actually stemmed the tide. Literally.
Female radio host wrote:Are you sure? It wasn't really a tide he stopped. Literally, it's not caused by the moon. In fact, even figuratively it's not caused by the moon. It's a waterfall.
Male radio host wrote:Oh, you're always so picky! This is a news station - we don't get points for accuracy.
Female radio host wrote: And don't you think you're taking the hero worship a bit too far? Even the Pope said that the miracle was not his, but from the Creator himself, and it took the entire clerecy to come to this point.
Male radio host wrote:People relate to heroes. We need heroes. One way or another, the Pope is a hero.
Female radio host wrote:That's making me hungry! Let's have a word from our sponsor.
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Male radio host wrote:So heretical, and so good!
Female radio host wrote:Let's go to our roving correspondent at the Sanctification. Take it!
the roving correspondent wrote:Here we are, literally at the actual sanctification itself. The Pope is dressed in long, flowing, golden robes embroidered with the symbols and icons of the Order of the Holy Contradiction. The miter he's wearing was made by BlitzGirl herself, and gives a stately and dignified finishing touch to his raiment. The First Cleric's robe is a bright yellow; it has a youthful look, matching the first cleric himself.
Female radio host wrote:What is it about these vestments that makes it youthful? Do you think the first cleric is being rebellious, like most young people today?
Male radio host wrote:I think you are being unfair to young people. Some of them are older than others.
the roving correspondent wrote:Well, mainly I think it's the lack of embroidery that distinguishes it from the Pope's vestments. It's almost like embroidery is a merit badge of sorts.
Female radio host wrote:What about the Second Scribe? Is she part of the service?
Male radio host wrote:I've heard so much about the Pope and the second scribe - rumors are rampant but so far we haven't been able to confirm anything. I'd be really surprised if she were not there.
the roving correspondent wrote:She is indeed here, wearing a brilliant red robe, with her long dark hair quite striking against it. Together, the fashion statement that the three of them make says that here, now, this moment, this place, is Sacred Beyond All Sanctity. And now, with the other six clerics in the ceremony, the Pope is taking the Holy Thailimus and sprinkling it all around. Let's listen in.
The Pope wrote:...tui sanctus nel terra et omnius, sanctus nel terra des acua sanctimus, cui terra salvadorae qui...
Male radio host wrote:That is truly an ancient language! It sounds a little like Latin, doesn't it? But it's clearly not.
Female radio host wrote:Does anybody know what it means any more? Or are these just Holy Words.
Male radio host wrote:Oh, I'm sure the Pope knows.
Female radio host wrote:What do you think he's saying?
Male radio host wrote:Well, those are the Great and Sacred Prayers of Sancification. This is a momentous occasion; those prayers have not been uttered for at least six hundred yips.
Female radio host wrote:Yet the Pope knows them by heart.
Male radio host wrote:That's one of the things it takes to be a Pope, I guess. Yanno, I've never really gotten much into that religion thing. I just don't understand why so many people follow so much mumbo jumbo. It makes no sense at... Ouch! Where did that come from? Ouch! Yahgh!
Female radio host wrote:It looks like... M&Ms, but..
Male radio host wrote:Gah! Where are they all coming from! Oof! Oy!
Female radio host wrote:Back to our roving correspondent.
The Pope wrote:... sanctii dix, sanctii dix, sanctii omnii totus verum dix. Gratias atui des omnis clerecium, per omnia gratia, nunc, et per milleniae, et in sempiternum...
the roving correspondent wrote:The Pope has just sancified this day above all days, and is now giving thanks on behalf of the entire clerecy. That seems to be a theme - the Pope never takes credit himself, but instead gives thanks for and to the entire community. He is now taking the Holy Thailimus back from the Second Scribe and placing it back in the Reticulum. Get your mind out of the gutter; it has four syllables, not two! Oh, this is unusual! He's leading BlitzGirl and another man and woman up onto the dais... and there are a couple of dozen others following - wait - those are the raft people! They are singing a hymn I have never heard before!
Female radio host wrote:Can you make out the words?
the roving correspondent wrote:No, it's in a completely different language. This is the first time anything other than the Ancient Tongue has been used in any of the Great Ceremonies of the Church. This is a truly momentous occasion!
The raft people wrote:Keipu glie hy grymth! Glie na smopu vrathki! Bradva, bradvak, bradvaii smopu hierban ta...
Male radio host wrote:We'll be back after this brief word from our sponsor.
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Female radio host wrote:We are back! That was an absolutely awesome hymn, and the tune is just haunting! Even though I don't know the language, I can feel in my bones what it's saying. I get chills just thinking about it!
Male radio host wrote:I think we've just witnessed a major theological event here, like the fulfillment of a prophesy nobody had foretold.
Female radio host wrote:That's an excellent way of putting it. And now it looks like they are coming to the most holy and sacred part of the ceremony. We're not going to want to miss this! Is our correspondent still there?
the roving correspondent wrote:Yes, I'm still here, and I'm trying to get closer. The other clerics have moved off to the side, leaving the Pope alone with the Kanjib. This is the moment. This is the Great Consecration - the most Holy Moment of the entire Ceremony. It will be at this point that these grounds will become Sacred Grounds.
Female radio host wrote:I wonder what the Pope is thinking at a moment like this.
the roving correspondent wrote:Well, there is one way to find out.
the roving correspondent wrote:Excuse me, Mister Pope. I was wondering if you had any comments for our listeners as to what is happening here.
[Several seconds pass with no response.]
the First Cleric wrote:Would you like me to take care of that question, your Pontiffness?
The Pope wrote:Yes, if you would, I'd appreciate that.
Male radio host wrote:Hmmm. It seems they're having some technical difficulties down there.
Female radio host wrote:Sounds more like enlightenment to me.
Male radio host wrote:Those are the risks we take to bring you the news as its happening.
Female radio host wrote:Wait... wait a minute, I think we have our roving correspondent back.
the roving correspondent wrote:Well, I'm further back than I had hoped to be, but we are coming to the close of the ceremony. The Pope has lit all the candles.
The Pope wrote:...consaecrium terram in Saecula Saeculorem; per omniam tempus, et per omniam des Tempii.
the entire congregation wrote:Amen!
Male radio host wrote:Well, there you have it.
Female radio host wrote:Indeed. "We consecrate this ground for a hundred years, and for a hundred centuries; for all time, and for all of Time."
Male radio host wrote:This is the Molpy News Network signing off at the dawn of a new age for the Church of the Holy Contradiction.
Standard MNN closing: "Ni ni ni icky icky phetang phetang nee whopper"
Female radio host wrote:May all your contradictions be happy ones!
Male radio host wrote:I thought you didn't speak the Sacred Tongue.
Female radio host wrote:Oh, I know a little more than what I let on. Let's go get
[end of recording]Jose<-- previous (NP 1411) | table of contents (on xkcd wiki)