Raptors in real life

[German Sausage]

obviously, some or most of us feel that raptors are about to pounce at any moment, but i figure if we can detail our own experiences, we might be able to cut down on panic attacks among forum-goers.

ok. my story goes a little something like this. surely people remember the scene in jurassic park where the lady doctor has to flip all those switches for whatever reason. so i'm closing up at my work (a video shop...lots of corridors made of shelves, big and dark, i'm far from the exit), tturning off the lights i had to leave on for cleaning, and it hits me. i'm flipping the exact same switches. so i shut the door quite tightly, leant [leaned?] against it to hold it shut, turned off the lights and realised i'd locked myself in. for about three minutes. thank god for co-workers is all i can say. although he didn't understand, so i was quite embarassed.

post, my pretties, post!

[Aoeniac]

I have to walk through a lot of small paths in dense woodland to get to most of my classes. There are a lot of ferns and various other undergrowth that likens my surroundings to how primordial forests are often portrayed, especially when it's really foggy out.

So often times I find myself walking down a path with nobody else on it, on a particularly misty morning, then I hear snapping or rustling off the path. My first thought is never "deer?" or "squirrel?" or "person?" or even "cougar?". No, it's always, "RAPTOR!? They probably already have an ambush set up, can I make it to a building with small windows before I lose too much blood? Maybe if there's somebody else on the path up ahead I can pass they'll get attacked first when they come from behind!"

Needless to say, there's probably a lot of people who are confused when I come bounding past them through the mist while muttering, "sucker!"

[Rat]

I have to walk through a lot of small paths in dense woodland to get to most of my classes. There are a lot of ferns and various other undergrowth that likens my surroundings to how primordial forests are often portrayed, especially when it's really foggy out.

So often times I find myself walking down a path with nobody else on it, on a particularly misty morning, then I hear snapping or rustling off the path. My first thought is never "deer?" or "squirrel?" or "person?" or even "cougar?". No, it's always, "RAPTOR!? They probably already have an ambush set up, can I make it to a building with small windows before I lose too much blood? Maybe if there's somebody else on the path up ahead I can pass they'll get attacked first when they come from behind!"

Needless to say, there's probably a lot of people who are confused when I come bounding past them through the mist while muttering, "sucker!"

it doesnt matter what they think of you when theyre dead

[Mathmagic]

I have to walk through a lot of small paths in dense woodland to get to most of my classes. There are a lot of ferns and various other undergrowth that likens my surroundings to how primordial forests are often portrayed, especially when it's really foggy out.

So often times I find myself walking down a path with nobody else on it, on a particularly misty morning, then I hear snapping or rustling off the path. My first thought is never "deer?" or "squirrel?" or "person?" or even "cougar?". No, it's always, "RAPTOR!? They probably already have an ambush set up, can I make it to a building with small windows before I lose too much blood? Maybe if there's somebody else on the path up ahead I can pass they'll get attacked first when they come from behind!"

Needless to say, there's probably a lot of people who are confused when I come bounding past them through the mist while muttering, "sucker!"

I want to go to school wherever you go. Or just have some of whatever you're smoking. Either one works.

[Toeofdoom]

I have to walk through a lot of small paths in dense woodland to get to most of my classes. There are a lot of ferns and various other undergrowth that likens my surroundings to how primordial forests are often portrayed, especially when it's really foggy out.

So often times I find myself walking down a path with nobody else on it, on a particularly misty morning, then I hear snapping or rustling off the path. My first thought is never "deer?" or "squirrel?" or "person?" or even "cougar?". No, it's always, "RAPTOR!? They probably already have an ambush set up, can I make it to a building with small windows before I lose too much blood? Maybe if there's somebody else on the path up ahead I can pass they'll get attacked first when they come from behind!"

Needless to say, there's probably a lot of people who are confused when I come bounding past them through the mist while muttering, "sucker!"

I want to go to school wherever you go. Or just have some of whatever you're smoking. Either one works.

So true... that sounds like an awesome place. Closest forest to here is like, i dont even know how far away.

I'm not actually too paranoid about raptors. Havent watched the movies enough.

[Steven.nevets]

I'm not actually too paranoid about raptors. Havent watched the movies enough.

I...You...Are you crazy? They are the single most dangerous threat to humanity! Raptors are the reason I can't enter my second floor closet. They're using it as a base, I can feel it...

Didn't you see the raptor safety videos in school? They are entertaining, informative, and feature guest star William Shatner as God.

I bought a copy for myself, watch it every week. You can't be caught unprepared! If you are, well, you'll die.

[Toeofdoom]

First thing: My house is kinda old, and the doors are generally locked from the inside, and are hard enough to open even when they are unlocked. Also, I have checked every are of my house for said raptors. The door handles are circular, so they would be quite hard to handle for raptors.... and theyre kinda old so they'd probably break first.

Windows are quite high off the ground here, and the ones closer to the ground have iron frames due to being stained glass and probably arent big enough for raptors anyway.

Also, I am not very heavy so i wouldnt make much of a meal.

I never said i was unprepared. :p

Just wondering, how good are raptors at getting through wooden doors? like, a proper sturdy wooden door, that was locked, has no door handle and drags along the floor badly anyway? Cause thats just about the only way they could get into the house.

[Lani]

I think my kittens are raptors in training.

[Toeofdoom]

You just reminded me of the best speech i ever made. It was about cats vs dogs. Basically the whole class had already done their speeches, almost all pro-dog.

So, to start:

"I agree that dogs are better than cats..." *random people cheer*
"... When they are dead!" *zha-buh-whaaaa???*

hehehehehe...

I went on to make the points that cats are better at upholding aussie values ie. being lazy, and that they dont poop as inconveniently, and then got a whole lot nuttier by pointing out that cats are better for self defense, as lions, tigers and other animals are very nasty cats that would find dogs quite tasty.

Lots of other crap like that too.



I should get a pride of lions to help defend from raptors...

[Gordon]

I think my kittens are raptors in training.

I knew there was a reason I hated cats so much!

[Aoeniac]

[Toeofdoom]

I reccomend Anti-raptor land mines and a couple of pistols with elephant tranqs

and possibly a detachment of robo-raptors.

That should fix all your problems. (Robo raptors wont eat you, cause they dont eat, end of story)

[Steven.nevets]

Sorry Toeofdoom. I didn't understand what you meant. Glad to know we are all in on the fight.
Is there ever going to be an offensive launched against them?

[Aoeniac]

I went on to make the points that cats are better at upholding aussie values ie. being lazy, and that they dont poop as inconveniently,

Your cat has obviously never shat in your shower and dresser. It does it on purpose, because it knows full well how to use the litterbox and where it is. At least the dog paws at the door when it needs to go "take a stroll". The cat just does as it pleases and sits there with a smug face until I notice.

It's a good thing I don't live at home anymore. I'm not a pet person. Unless it's the kind of pet I can eat when I get tired of it... without going to Korea.

[Toeofdoom]

nah, our cat stayed outside most of the day anyway... sneaky little guy. My mum saw him actually holding the bell on his collar down so it wouldnt make a sound while he was creeping up on a bird.

Sorry to hear you have a malevolent sprirt haunting your cat



As for offensives against raptors, I may help if nessecary, but I'm currently not equipped for such an operation. Need to build robo-raptors first

[rachel]

Guys, I am just going to have to put it out there that raptors aren't that bad. I mean, they eat you, and that is pretty shitty I guess. But the real threat here are zombies. For real. Think about it.

[Toeofdoom]

Nah, I took the zombie survival test, and it said I'd survive, so im perfectly fine.

[Belial]

Guys, I am just going to have to put it out there that raptors aren't that bad. I mean, they eat you, and that is pretty shitty I guess. But the real threat here are zombies. For real. Think about it.

Yes! The female-mammal is correct! The true threat is a totally likely assault by the animated corpses of our own mammal-kind. As someone who is clearly a mammal myself, I experience a deepseated and illogical fear of this occurence. All the time. Yep.

In fact, we should probably drop all efforts at any sort of raptor offensive and prepare for the imminent rising of our dead.

We have nothing to fear by exposing our delicious flank to those harmless (albeit brilliant and attractive) reptiles....

[Toeofdoom]

Pfft, it would be a simple genetic modification to make zombies eat raptor brains. So, we pay enough attention to the zombies to do that, then they go eat the raptor's brains, then we're all happy. Now, where is the nearest zombie infestation and genetics research plant?

[Aoeniac]

Pfft, it would be a simple genetic modification to make zombies eat raptor brains. So, we pay enough attention to the zombies to do that, then they go eat the raptor's brains, then we're all happy. Now, where is the nearest zombie infestation and genetics research plant?

Please never use the words "simple" and "genetic modification" together like that.

[Toeofdoom]

I was kinda joking in response to belial's "I'm a raptor" tone.

It doesnt even have to be genetic anyway... just teach them raptor brains are tasty and trying to eat human brains = pain.

[German Sausage]

FOOL. zombies feel no pain. we cannot train them.

Zombies will always choose human flesh over that of other animals. When presented with two identical cubes of meat, a Zombie will always choose the human flesh. It is not known how the zombie tells which is which.

they will not go for the raptors. unless we are all gone. which is not good option. most of the strategies used against zombies (in terms of fortifications) should work against raptors also
-destroying stairs. i doubt that a raptor could jump to the second story
-locked HEAVY doors and barred windows. sure raptors can open doors, with latch handles. try a LOCKED door with a ball handle, bizatch.
-head shots. if CS has taught me anything, its that head shots are kills. no dispute. zombie, raptor, terrorist. all dealt with.

but most important, pre-emptive defence
-remote location. ok. if they can't find us they can't attack us. i recommennd an island like easter island. fairly large and very remote. we should start reforestation and restoring an ecosystem now so that when the zombies/raptors actually try to take down civilization we can all just up and leave.
be prepared.

[rachel]

I am always tempted to tell all of you that there aren't even any raptors anywhere, but then I consider my (yes, horribly irrational) fear of zombies and reconsider. Go on and prepare, I'm sure it'll come in handy for something.

[Aoeniac]

Somebody once told me Raptors were like Daleks and couldn't climb stairs. I'm pretty sure he's been eaten by now.

[Toeofdoom]

FOOL. zombies feel no pain. we cannot train them.

Zombies will always choose human flesh over that of other animals. When presented with two identical cubes of meat, a Zombie will always choose the human flesh. It is not known how the zombie tells which is which.

they will not go for the raptors. unless we are all gone. which is not good option. most of the strategies used against zombies (in terms of fortifications) should work against raptors also
-destroying stairs. i doubt that a raptor could jump to the second story
-locked HEAVY doors and barred windows. sure raptors can open doors, with latch handles. try a LOCKED door with a ball handle, bizatch.
-head shots. if CS has taught me anything, its that head shots are kills. no dispute. zombie, raptor, terrorist. all dealt with.

but most important, pre-emptive defence
-remote location. ok. if they can't find us they can't attack us. i recommennd an island like easter island. fairly large and very remote. we should start reforestation and restoring an ecosystem now so that when the zombies/raptors actually try to take down civilization we can all just up and leave.
be prepared.

That is an interesting point... but I think there's going to be a way around it.

[German Sausage]

we might be able to train raptors to attack zombies, or trick them into eating zombie flesh, because its wildly toxic, according to the zombie survival guide.
but no attempts to train zombies would work. military applications of zombies are limited to trying to infect opposing armies or civilian populations (if you're unethical...REALLY unethical). the most practical operation would be to airdrop zombies into enemy territory (do raptors do territory? breeding grounds perhaps...)

[Toeofdoom]

What about Zombified raptors? they'd go for raptors first, yeah? probably would just end up with us against an army of zombie raptors though :/

I think robo-raptor armies would work really well against both opponents. Superior tactics, speed, strength etc, and immunity to poison and loss of brain.

[German Sausage]

robo raptors have a main problem. fuel. assuming of course you have materials and expertise handy.

[Toeofdoom]

Are we up to manufacturing like, quantum singularities yet?

Materials... well, we'd use preferably lightweight, hard stuff I guess. Theres a fair few of those types of things available.

But fuel... anything past the chemical level is out of the question at the moment

I'd say, failing some sort of magic "get energy from the world around you" device, We'd go with a nice big battery type thing, some solar panels so they can recharge if they run out of power, meaning we wont have to manually recover them if they can get some sunlight.

Ofcourse funding is an issue, with expensive materials and such, but I think we'd be best to finish the planning stages first.

[German Sausage]

i think it would be better to buy some island. both in terms of funding and safety. hell, find one, rock up and start building...its not like anyone will notice, its an island with no people in the middle of the flipping ocean. who's gunna check?

[thefiddler]

i think it would be better to buy some island. both in terms of funding and safety. hell, find one, rock up and start building...its not like anyone will notice, its an island with no people in the middle of the flipping ocean. who's gunna check?

...They're smarter than you think.

[Belial]

we might be able to train raptors to attack zombies, or trick them into eating zombie flesh, because its wildly toxic, according to the zombie survival guide.

I'm sorry. You seem to have mistaken the majestic and powerful raptor, of which I, a mammal, am logically terrified, for some kind of carrion eater. I suggest you reevaluate your strategy.

i think it would be better to buy some island. both in terms of funding and safety. hell, find one, rock up and start building...its not like anyone will notice, its an island with no people in the middle of the flipping ocean. who's gunna check?

Smarter. Island land is actually 30% less expensive than comparable mainland waterfront property.

And don't worry, you have nothing to fear from raptors using all the *barges* you left on the mainland to come find you.

So, mammal buddies, where are we going to build our island stronghold?

[thefiddler]

So, mammal buddies, where are we going to build our island stronghold?

I don't know, but I do have a spot on this island, right...?

You wouldn't... abandon me... to the raptors...?

*cries*

[Belial]

There there, little mammal, of *course* I wouldn't abandon you to those mean old raptors.

There will always be a place for you on the island paradise, conveniently between the grill and the place where we keep the breadcrumbs and butter....

[thefiddler]

There will always be a place for you on the island paradise, conveniently between the grill and the place where we keep the breadcrumbs and butter....

...

*wonders whether she has a better chance on the mainland with the raptors and zombies...*

OK, but in all seriousness. I'm slightly paranoid about raptors, now. >.> <.<

Zombies, too, but that has been a long fear of mine.
Although 'Shaun of the Dead' was pretty hilarious.

Do you think we could ever capture both the zombies and raptors and... you know... stick them in pits to fight each other? To the... well... not-death (for zombies)? Like... dog fights... or, whatever. Anyways, that could provide hours of entertainment.

[Belial]

Yes. Simple latches for the cages will suffice.

And be sure to keep the storage areas for the raptors near the center of your residential areas.

So you can....keep an eye on them. Yes. That's the ticket.

[thefiddler]

To be quite frank, you scare me.

I jest, I jest.

As long as I am far away from these residential areas, what do I care?

[Aoeniac]

You know what a really effective raptor and zombie deterrent is?

Molten lead.

Commonly found near shotguns.

Works on demons too.




On a side note, why is raptor, of all things, not part of the spell check for this forum?

[Toeofdoom]

Time to get some transperent aluminum. Star trek 4 informs me it was discovered over 20 years ago, so it should be available by now... That makes teal good cages.


Also... we're talking about raptors of the general dinosaur type right? Just cause i think I've heard of some sort of bird referred to as a raptor...


But yes, an island is a good idea. Remember though, that we will need to take global warming into account, for when the oceans rise.

We can either try to build our own island (Basically a giant boat type thing that has a fair few forests on it or something) which would be cool, so we can move it and stuff, and it floats when the ocean rises, or we can use an existing one.. Our american friends will also be in charge of defensive weaponary, and us aussies will be in charge of transporting the populations of cool animals, and checking for raptor impostors.

[thefiddler]

Screw defense weaponry; let's gather all the people in one place and nuke other possible raptor spots.

OK, that's actually a terrible idea.

I kind of suck at this whole strategy thing, eh?