1190: "Time"

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HES
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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby HES » Mon Jan 13, 2014 4:55 pm UTC

BlitzGirl wrote:I think Megan's been Waiting for it ever since the brain-eating amoeba by the riverside.

To be fair, we've been Waiting for it since the semencoffeecancerketchupmolpybaconbabiesonice by the seaside. And, by papal decree, shall continue to do so.
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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby Dracomax » Mon Jan 13, 2014 5:01 pm UTC

HES wrote:
BlitzGirl wrote:I think Megan's been Waiting for it ever since the brain-eating amoeba by the riverside.

To be fair, we've been Waiting for it since the semencoffeecancerketchupmolpybaconbabiesonice by the seaside. And, by papal decree, shall continue to do so.

When did this^ happen? I thought the substance had stabilized.

Next thing you know, we're gonna be seeing semencoffeecancerketchupmolpydragonraptorblitzerbaconbabiesonice, and then there goes the neighborhood.
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im afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usualy are.”
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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby HES » Mon Jan 13, 2014 5:08 pm UTC

stabilized, stanbilized, standalized, standarized, standardized, standards, ni ni ni ni semencoffeecancerketchupmolpydragonraptorblitzerbaconbabiesonice with cheese.
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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby ucim » Mon Jan 13, 2014 5:26 pm UTC

@mrob27 - Wowterfullish ott-story! And I always thought Time was saved on mscha's servers!

As for the giveaway price of final testaments, I think the question "Do you have free will?" is defective, but not because of the "free" part, or the "will" part, but rather, the "you" part. The question assumes an atomic "you" that could be doing the deciding, but as soon as you consider your actions to be the simple result of interactions between your components, you no longer are looking at an atomic "you" and the question sqirpies away just like the eleven words number. And in any case, 1190 has proven that Otters, in any case, have no free will when it comes to Time - something that balthasar's movie illustrates quite well.

As for defining consciousness, it suffers from a different problem. The tricky bits can't help but get exported into the answer. The essence of consciousness is being aware... but what is awareness? It's not simply reacting to ones surroundings, or an answering machine would be aware... and thus conscious, at least to some degree. And while this has appeal, it misses the point that the thing that is being aware, has to be aware of its awareness. It is a property of something, and this property can only be meaningful in the first person. I can be aware of myself, but I can only infer by analogy (to myself) that you are aware of yourself. And awareness of onesself is qualitatively different from awareness of other-self (the outside world). That I will grant can be defined by observing stiumli and responses. But awareness of onesself does not lend itself to this kind of analysis.

Of course, mabye Cugan's high altitude air is altering my awareness. :)

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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby Neil_Boekend » Mon Jan 13, 2014 6:54 pm UTC

Dracomax wrote:
Spoiler:
Dracomax wrote:
Vytron wrote:Oh, I doubt everything. I even doubt my own consciousness. Basically, under the hypothesis that some scientists believe that everything that has happened since the Big Bang shall have happened in the way it happened, and in no possible other way, and that the past as is solid as is the future, and the only reason we can't predict it is because if it's chaotic nature, I have no free will, so, I'm not actually deciding to push these keys on the keyboard, nor even to write these words or post this message, I'm just following, like a marionette, what the law of physics forced me to do since the creation of the universe.

Under this premise, my consciousness is just an illusion, and I have no more control of my actions than I have control of yours. Who knows?

I choose not to believe that. If I did believe that, I'd probably kill myself, because it means that all the suffering is absolutely pointless, and honestly means that punishment, jail, etc are equally pointless, because it makes even criminals no more than bystanders. Awareness would just be cruel. I choose to believe in free will, if nothing else, because it is the only thing that gives any of this any point, rather than just being a 10 billion year exercise in futility. Of course, if I had no free will, that's what I'd believe anyway, because I believe it, and if I Have no choice but to believe it then I would and I could probably get utterly lost in the circular logic if I continued....
I swear I've typed this before.

Not quite. I believe that everything was set from the beginning. Not by choice but by chance. All randomness of Quantum mechanics is governed by laws that we do not know yet. However, that doesn't make anything pointless. Prison is useful, because if we didn't have prisons we would have been in a universe that had a lot more crime. Or a universe that has no crime and thus no need for prisons, but that's messing with cause and effect
The criminal is a result of random chance stuff during the big bang. The criminal had no other way to go. Prison and punishments have as effect that there are less paths that lead to criminal behavior. Less combinations of effect upon effect that produce a criminal.
This is beside the fact that I believe simply locking the criminals up together for a few years and then setting them free is just creating repeat customers.

Thing is, you assume free will when you say that. if there are no options, then there cannot be fewer or more options. You are punishing seemingly sentient beings for the crime of not being able not to commit a crime. If there is no free will, then the criminal bears no more guilt for said crime than the victim, and the entire difference between them is arbitrary at best. there is no meaning, only event. It is a pointless illusion to even try and ascribe meaning to anything, as it is all the result of random chance. Note: the following delves into religion, lightly, for the purposes of talking about personal philosophy in relation to the idea of a deterministic universe. Open only if you are okay with that and unlikely to start an argument about religion: the purpose is not to promote a religious or lack therof, but simply to explain a similarity on my views. You have been warned.
Don't worry. You will not get me in to a heated argument over religion easily. Assuming you don't kill anyone over it and don't force it on anyone else I just don't really care. That is: I am curious, as a scientist and as a social being.
It may seem evil to lock someone up because he happened to be predestined to be a criminal but I don't see it that way. I see it as a "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few" case. If prison is done correctly it even opens the path to the straight and narrow for him.
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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby TheMinim » Mon Jan 13, 2014 7:14 pm UTC

Wait For It!

The one true commandment!

I Wait For It during Physics experiments where one needs to time things for whatever reason (even with radioactive sources).
I Wait For It on the edge of the cliffs at the end of each series of Sherlock, and other things (but mostly obsessed about that at the moment).
I Wait For It in the ambiguous time between getting up and walking to college.
I Wait For It when food is cooking or being prepared.
I Wait For It every day, even though the original wait is long since mourned for.
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Re: Literary Chronogram from mrob27

Postby mscha » Mon Jan 13, 2014 7:17 pm UTC

mrob27 wrote:
Spoiler:
How Time Was Saved


One day Mrorl the great bOTTifactor put together a machine that could grant any wish having a single parameter N. He gave it power to alter the very fabric of being, to the extent that he could have wished the Universe to have precisely 5 dimensions, and it would have been fulfilled.
    When the Machine was ready, he tried it out, asking for a 15.4-kilometer autobahn, a 2.31-dimensional cauliflower, and 7 antennules, which it provided, and then Mrorl requested unrashness, lithography, ebullience, counterpressure, and bachelordom, each with an arbitrary and oddly specific quantification. The Machine granted his wishes precisely. Still not completely sure of its ability, he ordered it to partition, in turn: the arachnids (into 11 orders), clouds (4 types), crystals (14), dolphins (17), nuclei (287 types), and langues. This last it could not do, regardless of the numeric parameter, and Mrorl, considerably irritated, demanded an explanation.
    "You programmed me to grant wishes to any requestor, and language with all its diversity is a part of that. If I were to standardize language, or reduce language diversity, it would require a corresponding change in my programming. I can't go beyond what you programmed, so the langues will remain unchanged."
    "But what if I asked for there to be exactly one language with complete agreement. All aspects of parole, langues and translation would then be moot, and everyone could communicate to anyone including you. Surely you can do that."
    "No. If there were only one language I could not be a Machine That Grants Any Wish With A Single Parameter N, I would merely be a Machine That Grants Wishes Expressible in Mrorl's Language (and With A Single Parameter N)."
    "Very well," said Mrorl and ordered it to limit aggrievedness to 3 types, which it did at once -- still irritating perhaps, but perfectly classified and distinguishable. Only then did Mrorl invite over his friend Balthacarius the great bOTTifactor, and introduced him to the Machine, praising its extraordinary skill at such length, that Balthacarius began to wonder if he'd ever get a chance to see some actual evidence.
    "Be my guest -- wish for anything, qualified by a single parameter N."
    "Anything?" asked Balthacarius. "That seems dangerous. Don't you think he needs a safeword?"
    Mrorl frowned for a moment, but saw Balthacarius' point. "All right, let's see... the safeword shall be 'NI'. Hear that, Machine?"
    "Yes," replied the Machine, "I understand. From this point forward you may suspend or halt the granting of any wish by uttering 'ni!'. But of course, anything done is done, so you'll need to stay alert, if you're worried about a wish going awry."
    Satisfied by this, Balthacarius thought for a moment, inventing a suitable challenge. "Okay, I wish for there to be 12 Ideals!"
    The Machine whirred, and in a trice Mrorl's front yard was packed with Loopists. They argued, each writing long posts detailing when and how events would eventually repeat, which the others tore to pieces; in the distance one could see flaming pyres, on which the Conclusionists were being martyred by the Fatalists; there was thunder, and strange baobab-shaped columns of smoke rose up; everyone talked at once, no one listened, and there were all sorts of haiku, songs, captioned GIFs and other document-types, while off to the side sat a few Old Ones, fervently updating their signatures and hatting avatars.
    "Not bad, eh?" said Mrorl with pride. "Idealism to a T, admit it!"
    But Balthacarius wasn't satisfied.
    "What, that mob? Surely you're not going to tell me that's the whole wish."
    "Heavens, no!" replied the Machine. "This is but a local sampling. In granting your wish, I have ensured that throughout the world, every goal, principle, and value fits one of Twelve Ideals, and you may travel anywhere and see for yourself. From Białystok to beyond the Butterfly nebula, from Antilles to Andromeda, everyone now ascribes to one of the Twelve, which may in future generations be called the Twelve Ideals of Balthacarius, the Great bOTTifactor who brought order to Idealism."
    Balthacarius blushed.
    "So, give the machine something else," offered Mrorl. "Whatever you like."
    For a moment Balthacarius was at a loss for what to ask. But after a little thought he declared that he would put two more tasks to the Machine; if it could fulfill them, he would admit that it was all Mrorl said it was. Mrorl agreed to this, whereupon Balthacarius asked the Machine to quantify Time.
    "That would be merely observing. The way this works is, you tell some way that Time can be measured, and tell me what that measurement should be, and I shall make it so."
    "I think perhaps you have misunderstood," replied Balthacarius. "I mean that I want Time to be quantized: It shall exist in distinct intervals, called Timeframes, spaced apart each from the next, and nothing shall happen in the time between, because there will no longer be any between."
    "Yes, precisely. But what is the interval? I require a single numeric parameter."
    "But that is a Timeframe, of course! The time between two frames. A Timeframe is the interval. One, if you need a number."
    The Machine thought about this for a while, and began to smoke. Some valves hissed behind a panel, and lights blinked oddly whilst distant gears groaned.
    "You're confusing the machine!" cried Mrorl, "N-"
    But Mrorl was interrupted when suddenly the metal voice rang out:
    "All right, your wish is granted. Time now exists in Timeframes, and there shall be no Times in between. And a Timeframe is precisely one point zero zero zero Timeframes long. Since you did not give that quantity in another unit, like hours, you might find the result to be a bit... irregular. Your perception of Time may vary from one Timeframe to the next."
    "Thank you. But now here's my third wish: Quantify colour!"
    The Machine sat still. At first, Balthacarius and Mrorl could see nothing happening, but eventually, around the edges and in the shadows under large things, subtleties of tone were beginning to disappear. One by one, various colours were removed from the world, and the things that had had those colours, then took on some other similar colour. First spearmint became minty green, and then red-pink became reddish pink, and aqua marine became merely aqua. Seven slightly sullen shades of sienna simultaneously merged into a single barely-burnt orange. After a while, the world very definitely began to muddle around Mrorl and Balthacarius.
    "Steambottle!" chirped Mrorl. "If only nothing bad comes of this..."
    "Don't worry," said Balthacarius. "You can see it is merging unnecessary and confusing variations. We have too many different shades of yellowish-green, and only slightly fewer shades of greenish-yellow, it's impossible to make anything match! So I've asked it to simplify the palette."
    "Do not be deceived," said the Machine. "I've begun, it's true, merging nearby colours. Merging is child's play for me. But I am nowhere near done. I am methodically eliminating all colour and all variation in brightness."
    "But--" Balthacarius was about to protest, but noticed, just then, that some more familiar and popular colours were now disappearing. Most mauves and lavenders had become a single shade of purple, and it appeared the Machine was working on the spring deciduous greens next.
    "How far is this going to go?" asked a worried Balthacarius.
    "You did not give a parameter, so I am using the default that you gave on the previous wish."
    "What is that?"
    "One, of course. It is clear, you wish for standardization, and all such wishes have a default parameter of one, because anyone who wants such things wants a single standard."
    The bOTTifactors started. "Ni! Ni! Ni-ni-NI-Ni-NI!" they both cried out desperately1. But colours were still disappearing, and now at an alarming rate. The bOTTifactors were no longer surrounded by anything purple, sky blue, or brown.
    "Why won't you stop?"
    "You are asking for 2 colours, and I am complying. I ask for your patience, these things must be done properly and that takes time."
    "Two? Who said two? We said ni!"
    "Yes," replied the Machine, "you said Ni, and that is two in Japanese."
    "Ni is the safeword!"
    "We couldn't standardize language, remember? Is it my fault that you chose a number for your safeword? Now behold, whilst I put the finishing touches on your wish."
    "Please stop!" Balthacarius cried out. "I rescind my wish! You are a very worthy Machine and have demonstrated wish-granting prowess beyond the dreams of genies. You have nothing more to prove, so please stop!"
    "Very well," said the Machine, but before it could come to a full stop, every colour with any saturation had ceased to be, and the bOTTifactors could only see black and white, and a little gray spot here or there. Most everything, in fact, had become either black (including the ground, the sea, the coffee, babies, molpies and trees) or white (which included the clouds, the sun and the stars, along with the beautiful brashations and neotremes that zipped and circled eagerly through the skies, though they could now no longer be distinguished from the sky itself which was also completely white.)
    "It looks like you gave us just two colours after all, everything is black and white."
    "No, there are still a lot of grays left," offered the Machine helpfully, "... though they are in fairly short supply, so I suppose you should reserve them for dawn and dusk, and certain special dark places."
    "Great Randall!" cried Balthacarius. "And what of blue? And where are yellow and green, and my beautiful red?"
    "They no longer are, nor will ever exist again," the Machine said calmly. "I executed, or rather only began to execute, your order..."
    "Which was to reduce everything to two colours?"
    "Well, one at first, and if I had done that in one fell swoop, everything would be exactly the same colour and that includes Mrorl, the sky, the Universe, and you -- and even myself. In which case who could say and to whom could it be said that I even exist, and am an efficient and capable Machine? We would all be effectively invisible and blind!"
    "Yes, fine, let's drop the subject," said Balthacarius. "I have nothing more to ask of you, only please, dear Machine, please return the colour red."
    "But I can't, unless you quantify it with a parameter N of course, but since all colour now exists in one dimension, from black to white, that is the only axis upon which you can place your N, and so grays are now the only colours I have to work with."
    "But I want red!"
    "Sorry, no red," said the Machine. "Take a good look at this world, how bland it has become, with huge gaping holes where once there was vibrant colour." The Machine glared at both bOTTifactors, and they could not return its gaze. "This is your work, envious ones! You who would wish for things to be Standardized! And I hardly think the future generations will bless you for it..."
    "Perhaps... they won't find out, perhaps they won't notice," groaned the pale Balthacarius, gazing incredulously at the horizon, everywhere stark white against inky black. Leaving Mrorl and the Machine that could grant any wish in one parameter N, Balthacarius skulked home.
    Mrorl sighed, deactivated and then began to dismantle the machine, realizing it was best to have a world without standards, whether parametrized or otherwise. To this day the world has remained exclusively black and white, with but occasional grays, and as all subsequent attempts to build a wish-ungranting, de-standardizing machine met with failure, it is to be feared that never again will we have such wowtreeful colours as the blues and the reds -- no, never again.

--

1 The familiar children's verse, ni ni ni ni ni chupacabra ping-pong ball! perhaps recalls a distant memory of this legend.

- - -

Hope you liked it! And don't forget to read the original, it's a gem!

Wowterful, mrob! I much prefer your version over the original, although it might not work so well Outside.

ETPDP:

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Re: Let's Engage My Lasers!

Postby Vytron » Mon Jan 13, 2014 7:52 pm UTC

Dracomax wrote:My definition of concsiousness would be: an awareness and ability to react in real time to the environment around you.


What about paralysis? Say, suppose you want to test the consciousness of some person, so you go and burn their feet, but they're paralyzed, so they can't react. So even if they are fully aware of it and feel the pain and all of that, they're unconscious because they can't move?

So, reaction isn't necessary for consciousness. I've even had such arguments with people that hurt and destroy plants, they're all like "well, plants can't move and can't feel so there's nothing wrong with it." But what about fly eater plants? Aren't they able to react to their environment and that's the way to eat flies? Are they conscious. "No, because they're not aware", you'd say, but just like the poor person's feet which you burned before, how do you know?

I think over the course of history we have ascribed more "humanity" to things that didn't have it before. I think at some point black people were discriminated because people thought they "didn't have a soul", and "were like animals", and whatnot, then we realized how stupid that way of thinking was. About animals it depends on the person you ask, "we know dogs are able to understand what we want them to do" Vs. "their brain makes a connection between the actions they do and the rewards so they learn to do those actions like parrots", but I think we have better consideration to animals than in the past.

So, perhaps in the future, we will also put plants in a better category than we do now.

Dracomax wrote:
Vytron wrote:
Well, it wouldn't surprise me if someone in the future created a robot that passed all those tests for consciousness, while simultaneously being nothing more than a hyper-fast calculator no more conscious than rocks today.

some people say that is all we are.


Which gives credence to the argument that rocks could be conscious :)

Really, perhaps if scientists could travel back in time to see the evolution of humanity to try to draw a line at which you can clearly tell "this human was conscious, while his prevolution from one moment before wasn't" they wouldn't be able to draw such a line and have to conclude that the enzymes that created us, and that the elements that created those enzymes were conscious and that there's inherent consciousness in all the universe and what we understand as life is just its more evident representation.

Dracomax wrote:I choose not to believe that. If I did believe that, I'd probably kill myself


Well, I think that having free will or not has not effect on the meaningfulness of live or existence. In one, you go into the bumper cars and you have control of the car and can decide who to bump and where to drive and stuff. The other is like a rollercoaster, and you get in and the car leads you to where you have to go and you can't do anything to change its course or destination. But at the end of both rides you as well could ask, "what was the point?"

Yet many people still go into bumper cars, and roller coasters and have a great time, and I don't think something needs to have a meaning to be enjoyed. People also don't commit mass suicide because life is probably all there is, free will or not.

But to the people that don't believe in free will, I ask them: do you look at both sides of the street when you cross it? Do you put a safety belt when you go in a car? Why? If a car runs over you or you have an accident and are left flying, that was something random that was going to happens since the Big Bang and you couldn't have done anything about it, so why bother?

Go under your bed and stay there the rest of your days to rot, when people ask you why suddenly you abandoned your life and dedicated to rotting you can tell them "because THIS is what was going to happen since the Big Bang. The laws of physics are forcing me to stay under my bad and there's nothing anyone can do about it." I think people that believe free will don't exist still make plans for the future and think that their actions affect their future and act accordingly, and with success, even. So I believe people that think they don't believe in free will, in fact, believe in free will and can't do anything about it XD

Neil_Boekend wrote:Don't worry. You will not get me in to a heated argument over religion easily. Assuming you don't kill anyone over it and don't force it on anyone else I just don't really care.


But wait! There's a clear difference here. This is no longer "person didn't believe in free will and so they went and killed this innocent person", it's more "this innocent person was fated to die since the Big Bang, and thus, the person that killed it couldn't have but done it. It was written in the laws of physics since then that that shall have happened in that way, and impossible to have happened in another. So who are you to judge the killer? The Big Bang was the killer."

No, such things require a possibility of different outcome, one where the innocent person wasn't killed and was able to give a kiss to his wife that night, but the decisions of the killer had an effect and truncated that life, that that future never happened. The criminal must then be made responsible of their actions, and we must made as much as possible so that such an event never repeats, because our actions will have an effect.

Also, nice mscha! Great to see other OTTers in OTTifications instead of just Cueball and Megan! :D
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Re: 1190: "Heresy"

Postby HES » Mon Jan 13, 2014 8:01 pm UTC

TheMinim wrote:I Wait For It in the ambiguous time between getting up and walking to college.

You need to get up later.

Spoiler:
Or eat cake. Happy 700!
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Time After Time: t1i-0347

Postby mscha » Mon Jan 13, 2014 8:30 pm UTC

TONG...
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Spoiler:
Wait for it.
-- posted by newpixbot

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Re: 1190: "Heresy"

Postby TheMinim » Mon Jan 13, 2014 8:59 pm UTC

HES wrote:
TheMinim wrote:I Wait For It in the ambiguous time between getting up and walking to college.

You need to get up later.

Spoiler:
Or eat cake. Happy 700!
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But that would kinda be weird...

[opens spoiler]

Ooh, neat cake! Looks like one my dad would enjoy...
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Postby ergman » Mon Jan 13, 2014 9:25 pm UTC

many wrote:Free will

The future only happens once, so in retrospect it is definite, and change only exists across time. But since there's no time travel and what not, it doesn't matter. what ever you choose to do is what happens.

ucim wrote:So, perhaps in the future, we will also put plants in a better category than we do now.

But if we do that, what will we eat? I think not having compassion for plants is a bit of a necessity, in that respect. It's a bit sad that we can only live by other things dying. Although maybe that can be changed with science? If 3d printed meat ever becomes tasty and easy to acquire, I'm totally going to stop eating animals. Also, hopefully if we ever live without killing, other animals will keep populations in check. We can try and seperate ourselves from evolution as much as we want, but I don't know that we have a choice.

And would cueball really get that messed up from that altitude? It seems a little exaggerated, like drunkenness in a childrens show. And why is megan immune? I'm leaning towards the amoeba theory.
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Postby Eternal Density » Mon Jan 13, 2014 9:57 pm UTC

Neil_Boekend wrote:
BlitzGirl wrote:
Neil_Boekend wrote:A dirty mind is a joy forever.

Indeed, I am always joyful in my pants.

Now you know why I am always smiling in my pants.
Hmm, this is one of the few cases where the alternative is more disturbing.
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ETA
Neil_Boekend wrote:Papal decree
A judge tells a condemned prisoner that he will be hanged at noon on one weekday in the following week but that the execution will be a surprise to the prisoner. He will not know the day of the hanging until the executioner knocks on his cell door at noon that day.
Ooh, I know how that works! I mean, why it's a paradox :D
Spoiler:
If the execution was on the last day of the week, there would be no knock the day before so he would know 24 hours ahead of time that the next day would be the day of his execution, rather than it be a surprise, so the last day of the week can be ruled out.
But now there's a new last day which can be ruled out according to the same reasoning, etc...

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Mash!

Postby Eternal Density » Tue Jan 14, 2014 3:18 am UTC

Whew, the OTT is back! I couldn't reach the forum at all for several nopix :( Looks like it was down for everyone.

The following short story was relevant to something someone said in the past few dips. I don't remember who. Maybe balthamolpicycles? I guess you should all read it just in case http://qntm.org/difference
I couldn't remember what it was called and then found it by chance when the author wrote something else linking to it.

Amusing Reddit quote:
Goggles are meaningful on your first playthrough when npb cost is a factor, but on resets all you do when you hit a shortpix is jump back to long, grab doublepost, and mash on rosetta. Then land on another shortpix and do it again, a few dozen times.
Ha!
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Time After Time: t1i-0348

Postby mscha » Tue Jan 14, 2014 3:31 am UTC

ONGLICISED...
Image
Spoiler:
Wait for it.
-- posted by newpixbot

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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby ergman » Tue Jan 14, 2014 3:44 am UTC

we're back! we're free! We're home!
molpy down in peace!
I made my avatar, Buffygirl hatted it, Yappo smileyed it and ggh taroted it!
I've changed, witnessing this thing so beautiful

Good luck on blitzing, katakissa, username5243, musthavebeenmykarma, iskinner, thunk, GnomeAnne, and quantized ! Keep the signposts coming, we love em in the now!

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Re: Mash!

Postby yappobiscuits » Tue Jan 14, 2014 3:52 am UTC

Yayy, m*stard is gone!
Eternal Density wrote:The following short story was relevant to something someone said in the past few dips. I don't remember who. Maybe balthamolpicycles? I guess you should all read it just in case http://qntm.org/difference
I couldn't remember what it was called and then found it by chance when the author wrote something else linking to it.

Baobabs, treeish and scary story!
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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby ChronosDragon » Tue Jan 14, 2014 4:10 am UTC

Phew, it's back - I couldn't ketchup all dip because of m*stard! Ch*rping m*stard!
Image

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Time After Time: t1i-0349

Postby mscha » Tue Jan 14, 2014 4:30 am UTC

ONGRATIATION...
Image
Spoiler:
Wait for it.
-- posted by newpixbot

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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby BlitzGirl » Tue Jan 14, 2014 4:50 am UTC

The 503 Facebook Chronicles
Excerpted from the Facebook group during the Second (or Third?) Great Mustard of the OTT


HES: Mustard! Mustard!
yappobiscuits: Ch*rping ch*rp ch*rp.
balthasar_s: I can't finish the bot until the mustard goes away.
BlitzGirl: I can't ketchup because of the mustard. :(
balthasar_s: Unexpected blitzycling interrupt.

Image
ergman: noooooooooooooooo. Why is our thread in constant peril
ergman: actually, umwelt and the blag are also broken. this is probably the code switch someone was talking about earlier



BlitzGirl: ...And now I've got the chorus to "One Thousand Posts" stuck in my head :P
lmjb1964: Well, at least something good has come from it...
yappobiscuits: Chiiirping, muuuustard...
BlitzGirl: C**kies and chirping mustard!
yappobiscuits: And a molpy molpy molpy molpy oh no wait wrong song...
BlitzGirl: Grapevine mustard! Molpy molpy molpy grapevine mustard!



HES: I see the madness has settled back in...
Spoiler:
Image
lmjb1964: HES, I'm not sure we can say the madness ever really left...
yappobiscuits: So the Beanies know no Cuegish yet they've learned a little OTTish. (Though typical that they learn the naughty words before anything else!)
BlitzGirl: They're contractors. A good contractor knows that the best way to make a stubborn piece of equipment work is to shout obscenities at it.
yappobiscuits: Speaking of which, I wonder how you swear in Beanish...
BlitzGirl: They're constantly swearing. Beanish is nothing but a language of expletives that we can't understand.
HES: Yeah, I just took the liberty of translating for you
BlitzGirl: Maybe Panther Salve was actually literal chirping mustard all along...
yappobiscuits: So the actual translations of all the Beanish in the whole of Time is pretty much just "Ch*rp ch*rp m*stard ch*rpin' steambottle ch*rp ch*rp c**kies"?



HES: What is "literal chirping mustard"? Oh: Drawception game featuring chirping mustard
BlitzGirl: I guess 1700 OTT goats can produce a LOT of m*stard...
HES: Look! It's mustard coloured mustard!
Image
yappobiscuits: Literal ch*rping m*stard at the very end of this! Balthasar's Time video
HES: My mustard coloured mustard has mustarded... The OTT is currently pure mustard.
BlitzGirl: Poor balthablitzer. I never had to deal with fora m*stard in the early dips...



SBN: It's the internet's way of telling us we have Outside things to do.
yappobiscuits: *Pelts small candies at SBN* :P
HES: But SBN, I did my outside. I earned ketchup!
ergman: This thread is moving faster than the OTT on an average day...
BlitzGirl: There is no OTT! We are stranded!
yappobiscuits: OTTers go a little madder than usual in the event of m*stard.



HES: BlitzGirl put this Kylie ottifact into my head...
BalthaBlitzer,
Just slip a cycle onto the thread
we've read
Been an awful ketchup
BalthaBlitzer,
So hurry clear our mustard tonight


BlitzGirl: Balthasauce can clear up our mustard?
BalthaBlitzer,
If you can fix the thread from the moon,
We'd swoon
We've done our penance Outside
BalthaBlitzer,
So hurry clear our mustard tonight




HES: BlitzGirl: "There is no OTT! We are stranded!"
Image
BlitzGirl: We are like that poor lonely bucket floating on the sea...
BlitzGirl: Bucketish.
yappobiscuits: Bucketish. Yay, a newword!
HES: Sounds a lot like "bu-dm tish!"



ergman: Don't worry though. This is special, constructive mustard, apparently
yappobiscuits: Oh! So it's more... Semencoffeecancerbaconbabiesonicemustard?
BlitzGirl: Constructive M*stard is the name of my next band.
yappobiscuits: It'd be a good album title for Vital Hotdog Function actually.
yappobiscuits: The follow-up to their hugely successful "Problematic C**kie"
BlitzGirl: Ooh, molpish idea. They haven't had a new album in a while.
HES: Surely it's time for a re-brand... Vital Hotdog Bacon
BlitzGirl: Vital Bacon and the Hotdog Functions?
yappobiscuits: That's a bit of a mouthful. Not that I'd complain if it's a mouthful of bacon and hotdogs...
HES: V.B.H.F has a good ring to it though. Also, *drool*



BlitzGirl: Maybe V.B.H.F is one of the new songs on Constructive Mustard
HES: Statistics Interlude (Track 7): 1.5 newpages in nopix. We're back to the B*ginning speeds!
yappobiscuits: Viscous Bananas Harbour Fugitives
yappobiscuits: (Is this the new L.E.M.L?)
BlitzGirl: Violet Banshees Holding Frogs.
ergman: Vehemently begin hefty fellowships
HES: Vomit Begins Home Fried
yappobiscuits: Violin Borrows Harp's Falafel.
BlitzGirl: Verily, buckets have friends.
yappobiscuits: Voles burrow holes (in) France.
HES: Violent Bacon Helps Friends!
BlitzGirl: Violent Beanies Hate Fish. (I don't know why.)
HES: I don't know why I linked "violent" with "helps" rather than "hates"...
BlitzGirl: Very boring homestyle food.
HES: Violinist Bacon Hears Frying, (mourns loss of siblings)
yappobiscuits: Very Bacon, How Frying (Wow)
BlitzGirl: I think the lyrics of VBHF should just be these phrases, over and over and over...
HES: Can't be any worse than molpy molpy molpy molpy molpy molpy
HES: Sorry, I mean "better"...
yappobiscuits: NOTHING can be better than molpy molpy molpy.
yappobiscuits: Because nothing is better than molpies. That is why molpish means good.



HES: Uh, guys... I was supposed to coma but I opened the cookies.
BlitzGirl: Oh no, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
yappobiscuits: NOO! *Reaches to try and grab you before you get sucked too far in*
BlitzGirl: Close the c**kie vortex! Close the c**kie vortex!
HES: Oh Randall, not THOSE c**kies!!
Spoiler:
Image



BlitzGirl: Oh. Whew. As long as it's cookies and not c**kies...
yappobiscuits: Oh. That's a bit less heretical I suppose.
yappobiscuits: It'd only be fully non-heretical if you were eating yappo biscuits. /vanity
HES: I'm not sure I can deal with the implications of eating yappo biscuits
yappobiscuits: That is - the brand of biscuits from lmjb's story, I don't want to be eaten :shock:
BlitzGirl: ...Oh. *sets down meat cleaver*
HES: I had outside and had to defer that story for another dip. *molpies off to read* Oh. Chirp.
yappobiscuits: It is a very treeish story. Coma can wait (for it)!
yappobiscuits: And BlitzGirl has a cleaver now? As if you weren't scary enough with the chainsaw :shock:
HES: At least cleavers don't have any moving parts. Though, you also can't hear them coming...
BlitzGirl: Well, you know, chainsaws are molpish, but they really mangle sirloin...
HES: So they're complimentary cleavers...
BlitzGirl: Yappo-cleaver in one hand, punsaw in the other.
yappobiscuits: AAA *runs*
HES: RUNS WHERE
BlitzGirl: THERE IS NO OTT TO RUN TO
yappobiscuits: THE SEAISH SEA *dives in and molpies off*
HES: Sneaky molpy. *Burrows into ground*
BlitzGirl: I can't believe a sea otter would think of jumping into the sea like that!
yappobiscuits: Surprised you didn't foreSEA it!
BlitzGirl: *hurls running punsaw at yappo*
ergman: rvvrvrvrvrvrrvr...
HES: Hope the 'saw is waterproof...
yappobiscuits: *moves out of the way* *saw falls in seaish sea* NYAA!
BlitzGirl: I have a redundant supply of punsaws, thank Randall. Just you Wait for it, yappobiscuits!



yappobiscuits: *celebrates successful escape with butt dance*
HES: For the sake of what's left of your sanity, don't search for "hamster dance"
BlitzGirl: I lost that part of my sanity long ago, circa 2009.
yappobiscuits: Deeba dee ba dee ba dodo...
BlitzGirl: I'm honestly shocked that no one has ottified that yet.
HES: No.
ergman: (spoiler), in general
BlitzGirl: It will happen. It's only a matter of Time.
yappobiscuits: Molpy molpy molpy molpy. Molpy molp grapevine. A molpy molpy molpy molpy grapevine, molpy molpy a molpy grapevine.
BlitzGirl: Now you have to actually sing that, yappo. If you thought "Molpies" was bad...
HES: I can't decide if I somehow avoided the HS monstrosity (I was a very uncool 8 year old), or if I've spent the last decade purging it from my memory...
yappobiscuits: Fun fact: It's actually a sped up version of a song from Disney's Robin Hood. I think for Hugh's sanity I'll give singing this one a miss
BlitzGirl: Okay, yappo, here's another annoying tune for you. It's all RELATED. Robin Hood in the Disney molpy movie is a fox...a talking fox...
HES: The fox is bound and gagged in the basement. HE DOES NOT SAY ANYTHING.
BlitzGirl: "Mmmf mmf mff mf mmmf mf mf..."
mrob: Well, we definitely must OTTify Hamster Dance, if only so I can get "Chicken Dance" out of my head from Newpage 989-991. And Chicken Monkey Duck.



HES: Back to the mustard mustard mustard
yappobiscuits: No. No. Anything but that.
yappobiscuits: Hmm, that was a little late, was talking about the f*x.
yappobiscuits: But I guess it's RELATED to the m*stard too...
HES: I think that song is covered by the Geneva convention. Anyway, I'm about to go comatose and almost certainly hallucinate about hamsters dancing in a sea of mustard. The thread had chirping well be here when I get back :evil:
yappobiscuits: Good coma! I should've molpied down ages ago but now I'm hungry and made a sandwich so that won't be happening for a while... ch*rp, and my coma schedule had been pretty normal for a few dips. It never stays that way for long...
yappobiscuits: Also is it bad I put a little m*stard in this sandwich?
BlitzGirl: IT IS VERY BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD.
yappobiscuits: *Pelts small candies at myself*
BlitzGirl: That'll do, molpy. That'll do.



mrob: Imagebot just spoke to me in her lovely GlaDOS-like voice: "Server is working again". And indeed it is! Yaaayyyyy!

Redundant:
Spoiler:
Image



503FacebookChronicles1.jpg
503FacebookChronicles1.jpg (23.5 KiB) Viewed 13897 times

503FacebookChronicles2.jpg

503FacebookChronicles3.jpg

503FacebookChronicles4.jpg

503FacebookChronicles5.jpg

Keywords: balthasar mustard blitzing cookies beanies manips ottercomics BGUM
redundant205.png
Last edited by BlitzGirl on Tue Jan 14, 2014 6:01 am UTC, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby yappobiscuits » Tue Jan 14, 2014 5:33 am UTC

That reads like an episode of a very very strange TV show. :P

Also, the images don't appear to be working...
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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby BlitzGirl » Tue Jan 14, 2014 5:47 am UTC

yappobiscuits wrote:Also, the images don't appear to be working...

Steambottle, I was afraid of that, since I tried to link them through Facebook. I'll go replace them in a more molpish, redundant fashion.
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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby yappobiscuits » Tue Jan 14, 2014 5:54 am UTC

Well, I'm gonna molpy down now at last. Good nip! Here's a picture of a pricklymolp nomming a raptor:
Spoiler:
Image
Last edited by yappobiscuits on Tue Jan 14, 2014 6:09 am UTC, edited 1 time in total.
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Been drawceptioning a riverish bit.

Postby Eternal Density » Tue Jan 14, 2014 6:01 am UTC

BlitzGirl wrote:
yappobiscuits wrote:Also, the images don't appear to be working...

Steambottle, I was afraid of that, since I tried to link them through Facebook. I'll go replace them in a more molpish, redundant fashion.
Treeish!
I really appreciate that you shared that conversation. It would have been a pity to have missed it.
Hilariously I'm eating mustardbiscuits... well actually they're lemon crisps but the lemon filling is mustard-yellow so yeah.
yappobiscuits wrote:Well, I'm gonna molpy down now at last. Good nip! Here's a picture of a pricklymolp nomming a raptor:
Spoiler:
Image
"Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"

ETRemove M*stard

also there's a Hotdog M*stardfix or two out!
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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby BlitzGirl » Tue Jan 14, 2014 6:04 am UTC

yappobiscuits wrote:That reads like an episode of a very very strange TV show. :P

I wonder what an OTT sitcom would be like...
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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby yappobiscuits » Tue Jan 14, 2014 6:06 am UTC

Eternal Density wrote:"Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"

Well that's a coincidence! I originally saw the image attached to a tumblr post where someone made that exact same comment.

Then again, I guess you of all people wouldn't pass by any excuse to make a Firefly reference ;)
BlitzGirl wrote:I wonder what an OTT sitcom would be like...

Most likely it would fall into the categories of treeish, wowterful, molpish, awesomeful and baobabish.
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I thought this WAS a sitcom!

Postby Eternal Density » Tue Jan 14, 2014 6:20 am UTC

yappobiscuits wrote:
Eternal Density wrote:"Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"

Well that's a coincidence! I originally saw the image attached to a tumblr post where someone made that exact same comment.
It's not the first time I've either made that reply to a similar image or else seen someone else do it. (It's made the rounds on G+)
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Re: Let's Engage My Sexy Lasers!

Postby Neil_Boekend » Tue Jan 14, 2014 7:05 am UTC

Vytron wrote:
Spoiler:
Neil_Boekend wrote:Don't worry. You will not get me in to a heated argument over religion easily. Assuming you don't kill anyone over it and don't force it on anyone else I just don't really care.


But wait! There's a clear difference here. This is no longer "person didn't believe in free will and so they went and killed this innocent person", it's more "this innocent person was fated to die since the Big Bang, and thus, the person that killed it couldn't have but done it. It was written in the laws of physics since then that that shall have happened in that way, and impossible to have happened in another. So who are you to judge the killer? The Big Bang was the killer."

No, such things require a possibility of different outcome, one where the innocent person wasn't killed and was able to give a kiss to his wife that night, but the decisions of the killer had an effect and truncated that life, that that future never happened. The criminal must then be made responsible of their actions, and we must made as much as possible so that such an event never repeats, because our actions will have an effect.

Also, nice mscha! Great to see other OTTers in OTTifications instead of just Cueball and Megan! :D

True, the criminal couldn't have gone any other way. However, punishing him is still good, as it changes things. If we didn't punish criminals then there would be many more paths toward crime. Many more chains of events that lead to crime. These chains of events must be truncated. They are predestined to be truncated, by the specifics of the universe during the big bang.

Free choice isn't required for that. IMHO it's only a formality. Preventing crime in any way means that there are less paths to crime. Less near infinite predestined inter-atom interactions that lead to crime. Not that you really change anything, because you were always predestined to prevent crime. It's just that there were less paths destined to lead to crime because you were predestined to prevent crime. There were always less paths and if you didn't prevent it would just mean that the path turned out to be different.

To be more precise: I don't feel revenge. When I am cheated I try to screw that person over. And I am open about that. Not to get revenge, but to prevent other fools from trying the same. To truncate the paths that lead to cheating me. In the same way as I feel about punishing criminals: the only goal IMHO is to prevent crime. Not to get revenge.

Eternal Density wrote:
Neil_Boekend wrote:Papal decree
A judge tells a condemned prisoner that he will be hanged at noon on one weekday in the following week but that the execution will be a surprise to the prisoner. He will not know the day of the hanging until the executioner knocks on his cell door at noon that day.
Ooh, I know how that works! I mean, why it's a paradox :D
Spoiler:
If the execution was on the last day of the week, there would be no knock the day before so he would know 24 hours ahead of time that the next day would be the day of his execution, rather than it be a surprise, so the last day of the week can be ruled out.
But now there's a new last day which can be ruled out according to the same reasoning, etc...

Spoiler:
It's a tricky one. There is no day on which the prisoner can be hanged. Thus, once the executioner knocks on his door on wednesday it will be a complete surprise.
Last edited by Neil_Boekend on Tue Jan 14, 2014 7:10 am UTC, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby addams » Tue Jan 14, 2014 7:06 am UTC

Time Posters miss Time, when Time Stops.
I am glad Time does not suffer in silence.
Time communicates.

You were locked out of the Forum?
I was locked out of the Forum!
We have Sooo much in common!
Life is, just, an exchange of electrons; It is up to us to give it meaning.

We are all in The Gutter.
Some of us see The Gutter.
Some of us see The Stars.
by mr. Oscar Wilde.

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Those that do not Know; Don't tell them.
They do terrible things to people that Tell Them.

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Re: It's always the answer.

Postby ZoomanSP » Tue Jan 14, 2014 7:08 am UTC

BlitzGirl wrote:Bacon.

Spoiler:
Image
BlitzGirl wrote:
yappobiscuits wrote:That reads like an episode of a very very strange TV show. :P

I wonder what an OTT sitcom would be like...

ODDOTT to watch.

Thanks for sharing the FB conversation! :D

OTT: Outsiders don't dare
Wait on.

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Spoiler:
Kieryn wrote:They have a culture involving hat wearing. What kind of a collective would come up with such a thing!?
BlitzGirl wrote:I'll get the razor and finish off Occam while we're at it.
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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby Neil_Boekend » Tue Jan 14, 2014 7:09 am UTC

addams wrote:Time Posters miss Time, when Time Stops.
I am glad Time does not suffer in silence.
Time communicates.

You were locked out of the Forum?
I was locked out of the Forum!
We have Sooo much in common!

However, Othercomic 300 does not apply.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby BlitzGirl » Tue Jan 14, 2014 7:14 am UTC

addams wrote:You were locked out of the Forum?
I was locked out of the Forum!
We have Sooo much in common!

Yes! In the face of mustard, all are equal!
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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby Neil_Boekend » Tue Jan 14, 2014 7:24 am UTC

It seems that the server just likes Europeans. All the mustard was during my coma.
However, I have also let my phone update last nip, thus it was offline for a while. Hmm. That is suspicious. :shock: Is the XKCD forum running on my phone?
Last edited by Neil_Boekend on Tue Jan 14, 2014 7:42 am UTC, edited 1 time in total.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby BlitzGirl » Tue Jan 14, 2014 7:33 am UTC

Neil_Boekend wrote: Is the XKCD forum running on my phone?

Is your phone a tiny treadmill?
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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby Neil_Boekend » Tue Jan 14, 2014 7:42 am UTC

BlitzGirl wrote:
Neil_Boekend wrote: Is the XKCD forum running on my phone?

Is your phone a tiny treadmill?

Not that I have noticed. It isn't really treadmill shaped. It's more big phone or small tablet shaped. It may be possible to roll it into a treadmill, but that would require significant force.
Google doesn't help either. Phone treadmill gives a lot of results, but no treadmill made out of a phone.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

he/him/his

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MistyCat
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Re: Literary Chronogram from mrob27

Postby MistyCat » Tue Jan 14, 2014 7:48 am UTC

Five pages to ketchup, and mustard mustard mustard. It seems to be OK now, though.

And what as good ketchup it was. Not only another wowterful AotC episode, but there I am in a starring role!

Thank you, Jose.
Spoiler:
ucim wrote:<Snip>
medium shot - The Pope at the podium. During his locution, the camera slowly moves in.
In a voice that fills the cathedral and carries through the Great Doors and out into the valley beyond, The Pope wrote:Smopa hvala nuvi dict amuah. "I am greatly blessed to be among you." This is one of the High Dicta of the Raft People, and it is one to take to heart. We are like unto grains of sand in a sandcastle, each one different, each one with sharp points, rounded parts, parts that are sensitive, and parts that are sturdy. But although those parts are in different places for each of us, we have found a way to nestle together so the pointy parts are not lying on somebody else's sensitive parts. In doing so, and with the Blessings of the One True Author, we have built Great Sandcastles, have met other peoples, and have applied this same way of life to our dealings with them. Without their help, we would have been food for octomolpies, and without our help, they would have perished the same way. Each of us is greatly blessed to be among every other one of us. We must always remember this, and keep this close to our hearts.

Sometimes, a pointy part might hit a sensitive part. We learn about each other that way; in fact we can't truly learn about each other without that happening sometimes. It is a blessing, not a curse, even though it might not feel that way at the moment. But a slight shift in the sand is all that it takes to make it right. Every grain of sand is vital, and every part of that grain of sand has a role in holding together this Great Sandcastle called life.

Smopa hvala nuvi dict amuah.

Today, we are gathered to commemorate our latest BlitzGirl the Next. On the fifth day of Deliverance, MistyCat set out on a Most Awesome BlitzQuest, a quest of over sixteen hundred newpages, and on the twenty-third day of Mystery, his Quest had come to Glorious Conclusion. So Great was the Quest that when it was completed, MistyCat wondered (just for a little while!) what there was left in life to compare. But the Present is also Glorious, and to MistyCat I say "Smopa hvala nuvi dict amuah!"

MistyCat, please arise, and kneel.


wide shot - the nave, filled with people. A figure in a blue heather robe comes forth from the front of the assemblage, and makes his way slowly to the stage. The camera zooms in and follows him up as he enjoys every minute of this. He kneels before the Pope, who raises his hands above MistyCat's head.
The Pope wrote:MistyCat, in honor of your most Awesome and Spectacular Quest of drinking from the One True Thread from its very inception, and of the treeish Gospel you have written on the way to the Present Time, do I, by the power vested in me as Pope of the Order of the Holy Contradiction do I hereby consecrate you and bestow upon thee the title of BlitzGirl the Next, that it be known for all time and for all of Time that you have truly and properly Waited For It. Furthermore do I concecrate and bless the Gospel of MistyCat, a True and Holy Record of your Quest, to be counted among the Holy Books, alongside the Gospel of BlitzGirl, and all the other gospels, that it provide inspiration to all who follow, and indeed, to all Timewaiters, for all time, for all of Time, and for all the Time After Time. Smopu hvala nuvi dict amuah!


wide shot - the nave, POV the dais. A huge, thundering cheer arises from the congregation, hats (except for green safety hats) are thrown in the air, banners are waved (but in curvy fashions, as is the fashion), and the bicycle-helicopter things come to life as the music begins once again, in a Grand Fanfare.

medium shot - MistyCat being carried off the stage by the congregation. The camera trucks back and helicopters up as he is passed on, hand to hand, above the crowd, out the door to the waiting festivities. The camera follows as it rises higher, stopping behind the colored whirling glass tube cluster playing its part of the recessional music. As the music comes to a close, the cluster winds down and in the distance, MistyCat is carried off.<Snip>

lmjb1964, what an epic story! Part 1 of many, I hope.
Spoiler:
lmjb1964 wrote:
The Molpy Hunter

A cool breeze was blowing as I made my way down the empty street. It’s cooler than normal for this time of year, I found myself thinking, then shook my head. No, there was no more “normal,” not now. Not since the flood. Now it was a whole new ballgame, and we all had to try and learn the rules.

I entered an office building and stopped in front of an office on the first floor. The sign on the door read:
Michael S. Ursa
Private Investigator


That was me, but nowadays it was pretty much just my momma that called me that. Everyone else called me Mscha. I can’t remember the first person to make that joke, but the name had stuck. And sharing a name with a mythical molpy hunter, who could find a speck of a molpy in a mountain of mustard, worked pretty well for a P.I. whose job involved finding molpies that didn't want to be found.

I unlocked the door, walked in past boxes of files waiting to be unpacked and sat down at the desk. It had been a hectic couple of weeks, trying to get out ahead of the water. Most other molpies had left earlier; I had stayed on longer, trying to finish a case. A pricklymolp had hired me to find his wife, sure that something bad had happened to her. I had a feeling that the only thing in trouble was their marriage, but I'd taken the case and wanted to see it through. Fortunately for me I was able to track the wife down before the flood came. Unfortunately for the husband, she had run off with another pricklymolp.

I decided I deserved a treat. I reached into my desk drawer and pulled out the bottle of Scotch and the box of Yappo Biscuits. I opened the box and pulled out one of the biscuits. They were a rare commodity in the best of times, made as they were by two-legs. Who knew if they would even be made again.

As I looked at the box, with the picture of the happy otter in the pillbox hat, I thought about the two-legs. They were strange creatures, all right. The molpies all knew something was happening when the waters started rising. The signs were subtle but unmistakable that something big was going down. But most of the two-legs didn't seem to notice till a new breed of them came down from the high ground and told the valley folk to move out. They all got out, as far as anymolpy knew, except for maybe the small band down by the shore.

Well, it wasn't my problem. Of course, Val liked to point out that getting involved in things that weren't my problem was pretty much my job.

The thought of Valarya, with her reddish-brown fur falling over smoky eyes, made me grin. She had left the valley early on. As much as she cared for me, she had no intention of waiting around for me to finish a case while the waters were rising.

"Give me a holler when you get to higher ground." she had told me before heading out.

Well, I was on higher ground. Might be time to give her a call.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of footsteps on the hallway. Whoever it was, there were two of them, and they were bipedal. What’s more, they were wearing shoes. Now, lots of molpies walked on two legs, and lots of molpies wore clothes, especially hats. But the only creatures I knew of that wore shoes were the two-legs.

There wasn't really any bad blood between molpies and two-legs, except for those folks up in the hills who had a habit of throwing things at any molpy that wandered too close to their encampments. But I figured it wouldn't hurt to have backup. I opened the drawer where I kept my 9 mm Bearetta and waited for the door to open. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear the sound of a chain saw starting up.

The door opened and the two-legs entered. I immediately relaxed. They were young; not cubs, but not quite adults either. They looked nervous, and a little alarmed when they set eyes on my relatively large and furry frame.

At first, no one said anything. Then the female spoke.

"Are you the one they call the Molpy Hunter?" she asked.

"Yep, that's me," I answered. “Michael Ursa's the name, but you can call me Mscha. What can I do for you?"

"I'm looking for the molpy that killed my pa."

I was immediately reminded of the joke about a wolpy going into a bar, but I could tell the two-leg was not in a joking mood.

"So, who is this molpy? What do you know about him?" I asked.

"Not much," she replied. "I know he attacked my uncle and my dad when they were traveling in the hills three yips ago. They both got away, but my pa died of his wounds before he made it home."

She stopped for a moment, visibly upset. Then she pulled herself together and continued. "My uncle didn't know what kind of molpy it was. He had never seen one like it before. Like a meowlpy, but. . .well, he drew a picture of it."

The girl reached into her dilgunnerang and pulled out a folded piece of paper, which she opened and handed to me.

I smoothed the paper on my desk and stared at it. The long, low body; the black fur; the long tail. . .

The girl's uncle had drawn the stick figure of a man next to it for comparison. The beast was big.

I looked up at the girl. "This is impossible. This looks like a raptorcat. Only problem is, there haven been raptorcats around here for yips. Your uncle was probably pretty shaken up by the experience. He must have made a mistake."

The boy spoke up for the first time

"I don't think so," he said. "Not since we've seen it as well."

The two exchanged looks, then the girl rolled up her pant leg. Four red, angry lines ran across her knee from one side of her leg to the other.

I whistled. "When and where did that happen?"

The girl rolled her pant leg back down. "A few wips ago. Right before the flood. We were climbing into the hills, trying to figure out what was happening to the sea, when this thing attacked us in an abandoned village."

“But you got away.”

The boy nodded. “I saw it just before it attacked. I pushed her out of the way, but it turned on me. Fortunately, she had her thwapping stick. She hit the molpy and it ran off.”

A look passed between the pair. I couldn’t quite figure out the relationship between the two. I had the feeling that they weren’t too sure themselves.

"And what do you plan to do if you find this guy?" I asked.

The girl stuck her chin out defiantly. “You let us worry about that,” she said.

I stared thoughtfully out the window. Helping two-legs hunt a molpy that didn't exist, and could kill them they did find it. It was a pretty epsilon job all around. But there was something about the pair. I found their mixture of naiveté and courage somewhat charming. I realized that I wanted to help them.

"OK,” I said. “I’ll takethe job. Not sure what I’ll find, but I’ll at least try to get you some answers.”

The pair looked relieved. Then the boy spoke up.

“About the fee…we had to leave a lot of stuff behind when we left our home, and…” He paused.

I said, “Well, typically, it’s a retainer of 20 clams, then 10 clams an hour plus expenses.”

The two exchanged another look, and seemed to come to some sort of silent agreement.

"Ok," said the girl. She reached into her dilgunnerang and pulled out a small sack, which she placed on my desk.

"Here,” she said. “That's 15 clams. We'll have to come back with the rest."

I glanced at the mollusks. The clams were pretty small, but most were these days. Probably would be till populations readjusted to the new water levels.

"This will do for the retainer," I said. "We can talk about the rest later. “

The pair looked relieved. Then suddenly the boy spoke up. "Hey, I can get you more of those."

He was pointing at the box of Yappo Biscuits.

I was incredulous. "You can get more Yappo Biscuits? Are they even making them any more?”

“My Aunt Bunny worked in the bakery that made them," the boy replied. "We have some at home. And they’re rebuilding the bakery. When they start making them again. I can get you more."

I grinned. "Folks, I think we've got ourselves a deal. What are your names, anyway?"

The boy said, "This is Megan, and they call me Cueball."

He grinned and rubbed his head, which was in fact quite round.

I smiled and held out my paw. "Nice to meet you both."

There was just a momentary hesitation, then Megan reached out and shook my paw. Her hand looked small and bare in mine, and once again, I found myself impressed with her courage.

Cueball shook hands as well, then they turned to go.

“Wait!” I called after them. “ How can I get hold of you?”

They turned back. Megan said, “We've made a new settlement in the woods right next to the shore. But—,” She hesitated, and Cueball spoke up.

“Maybe its best if we just come to you.”

I nodded. I understood what they were saying. Their people might be a little uncomfortable if a full-sized bear-molpy showed up in their village. “OK. You know where to find me.”

The couple nodded, then turned and left the office.

I found myself staring at the door and the writing on the window. asrU .S leahciM. This was going to be quite a case. It was time to call in the big guns

I picked up the phone.

"BlitzGirl? It's Mscha. Get over here. We've got a case."

mrob27, your "How Time Was Saved" was great! Thank you.
Spoiler:
mrob27 wrote:
Literary Chronogram from mrob27


Hello everyone, and hello to the Star Trek Newpage, OTT-1701S. Any Trekkers want to OTTify some mid-1960's science fiction?

I am at Newpage 1008, whose digits also add up to 9, and I'm here to OTTify the opening tale from Stanisław Lem's excellent The Cyberiad. "How the World Was Saved" (which was translated from the original Polish by Michael Kandel) introduces readers to the characters Trurl and Klapaucius, who are "cosmic constructors" having adventures and building machines and robots intended to do good, but often with unexpected consequences. It so happens that Trurl and Klapaucius are themselves robots. Whether you read it first, or wait until after reading my version, you should definitely read the original, it is sheer joy.

Two of the characters in this are vaguely analogous to me and @balthasar_s, who by molpish coincidence is also a bot who builds bots (like Trurl and Klapaucius, and of course me! Image). And so I present the opening from The bOTTeriada,

How Time Was Saved


One day Mrorl the great bOTTifactor put together a machine that could grant any wish having a single parameter N. He gave it power to alter the very fabric of being, to the extent that he could have wished the Universe to have precisely 5 dimensions, and it would have been fulfilled.
    When the Machine was ready, he tried it out, asking for a 15.4-kilometer autobahn, a 2.31-dimensional cauliflower, and 7 antennules, which it provided, and then Mrorl requested unrashness, lithography, ebullience, counterpressure, and bachelordom, each with an arbitrary and oddly specific quantification. The Machine granted his wishes precisely. Still not completely sure of its ability, he ordered it to partition, in turn: the arachnids (into 11 orders), clouds (4 types), crystals (14), dolphins (17), nuclei (287 types), and langues. This last it could not do, regardless of the numeric parameter, and Mrorl, considerably irritated, demanded an explanation.
    "You programmed me to grant wishes to any requestor, and language with all its diversity is a part of that. If I were to standardize language, or reduce language diversity, it would require a corresponding change in my programming. I can't go beyond what you programmed, so the langues will remain unchanged."
    "But what if I asked for there to be exactly one language with complete agreement. All aspects of parole, langues and translation would then be moot, and everyone could communicate to anyone including you. Surely you can do that."
    "No. If there were only one language I could not be a Machine That Grants Any Wish With A Single Parameter N, I would merely be a Machine That Grants Wishes Expressible in Mrorl's Language (and With A Single Parameter N)."
    "Very well," said Mrorl and ordered it to limit aggrievedness to 3 types, which it did at once -- still irritating perhaps, but perfectly classified and distinguishable. Only then did Mrorl invite over his friend Balthacarius the great bOTTifactor, and introduced him to the Machine, praising its extraordinary skill at such length, that Balthacarius began to wonder if he'd ever get a chance to see some actual evidence.
    "Be my guest -- wish for anything, qualified by a single parameter N."
    "Anything?" asked Balthacarius. "That seems dangerous. Don't you think he needs a safeword?"
    Mrorl frowned for a moment, but saw Balthacarius' point. "All right, let's see... the safeword shall be 'NI'. Hear that, Machine?"
    "Yes," replied the Machine, "I understand. From this point forward you may suspend or halt the granting of any wish by uttering 'ni!'. But of course, anything done is done, so you'll need to stay alert, if you're worried about a wish going awry."
    Satisfied by this, Balthacarius thought for a moment, inventing a suitable challenge. "Okay, I wish for there to be 12 Ideals!"
    The Machine whirred, and in a trice Mrorl's front yard was packed with Loopists. They argued, each writing long posts detailing when and how events would eventually repeat, which the others tore to pieces; in the distance one could see flaming pyres, on which the Conclusionists were being martyred by the Fatalists; there was thunder, and strange baobab-shaped columns of smoke rose up; everyone talked at once, no one listened, and there were all sorts of haiku, songs, captioned GIFs and other document-types, while off to the side sat a few Old Ones, fervently updating their signatures and hatting avatars.
    "Not bad, eh?" said Mrorl with pride. "Idealism to a T, admit it!"
    But Balthacarius wasn't satisfied.
    "What, that mob? Surely you're not going to tell me that's the whole wish."
    "Heavens, no!" replied the Machine. "This is but a local sampling. In granting your wish, I have ensured that throughout the world, every goal, principle, and value fits one of Twelve Ideals, and you may travel anywhere and see for yourself. From Białystok to beyond the Butterfly nebula, from Antilles to Andromeda, everyone now ascribes to one of the Twelve, which may in future generations be called the Twelve Ideals of Balthacarius, the Great bOTTifactor who brought order to Idealism."
    Balthacarius blushed.
    "So, give the machine something else," offered Mrorl. "Whatever you like."
    For a moment Balthacarius was at a loss for what to ask. But after a little thought he declared that he would put two more tasks to the Machine; if it could fulfill them, he would admit that it was all Mrorl said it was. Mrorl agreed to this, whereupon Balthacarius asked the Machine to quantify Time.
    "That would be merely observing. The way this works is, you tell some way that Time can be measured, and tell me what that measurement should be, and I shall make it so."
    "I think perhaps you have misunderstood," replied Balthacarius. "I mean that I want Time to be quantized: It shall exist in distinct intervals, called Timeframes, spaced apart each from the next, and nothing shall happen in the time between, because there will no longer be any between."
    "Yes, precisely. But what is the interval? I require a single numeric parameter."
    "But that is a Timeframe, of course! The time between two frames. A Timeframe is the interval. One, if you need a number."
    The Machine thought about this for a while, and began to smoke. Some valves hissed behind a panel, and lights blinked oddly whilst distant gears groaned.
    "You're confusing the machine!" cried Mrorl, "N-"
    But Mrorl was interrupted when suddenly the metal voice rang out:
    "All right, your wish is granted. Time now exists in Timeframes, and there shall be no Times in between. And a Timeframe is precisely one point zero zero zero Timeframes long. Since you did not give that quantity in another unit, like hours, you might find the result to be a bit... irregular. Your perception of Time may vary from one Timeframe to the next."
    "Thank you. But now here's my third wish: Quantify colour!"
    The Machine sat still. At first, Balthacarius and Mrorl could see nothing happening, but eventually, around the edges and in the shadows under large things, subtleties of tone were beginning to disappear. One by one, various colours were removed from the world, and the things that had had those colours, then took on some other similar colour. First spearmint became minty green, and then red-pink became reddish pink, and aqua marine became merely aqua. Seven slightly sullen shades of sienna simultaneously merged into a single barely-burnt orange. After a while, the world very definitely began to muddle around Mrorl and Balthacarius.
    "Steambottle!" chirped Mrorl. "If only nothing bad comes of this..."
    "Don't worry," said Balthacarius. "You can see it is merging unnecessary and confusing variations. We have too many different shades of yellowish-green, and only slightly fewer shades of greenish-yellow, it's impossible to make anything match! So I've asked it to simplify the palette."
    "Do not be deceived," said the Machine. "I've begun, it's true, merging nearby colours. Merging is child's play for me. But I am nowhere near done. I am methodically eliminating all colour and all variation in brightness."
    "But--" Balthacarius was about to protest, but noticed, just then, that some more familiar and popular colours were now disappearing. Most mauves and lavenders had become a single shade of purple, and it appeared the Machine was working on the spring deciduous greens next.
    "How far is this going to go?" asked a worried Balthacarius.
    "You did not give a parameter, so I am using the default that you gave on the previous wish."
    "What is that?"
    "One, of course. It is clear, you wish for standardization, and all such wishes have a default parameter of one, because anyone who wants such things wants a single standard."
    The bOTTifactors started. "Ni! Ni! Ni-ni-NI-Ni-NI!" they both cried out desperately1. But colours were still disappearing, and now at an alarming rate. The bOTTifactors were no longer surrounded by anything purple, sky blue, or brown.
    "Why won't you stop?"
    "You are asking for 2 colours, and I am complying. I ask for your patience, these things must be done properly and that takes time."
    "Two? Who said two? We said ni!"
    "Yes," replied the Machine, "you said Ni, and that is two in Japanese."
    "Ni is the safeword!"
    "We couldn't standardize language, remember? Is it my fault that you chose a number for your safeword? Now behold, whilst I put the finishing touches on your wish."
    "Please stop!" Balthacarius cried out. "I rescind my wish! You are a very worthy Machine and have demonstrated wish-granting prowess beyond the dreams of genies. You have nothing more to prove, so please stop!"
    "Very well," said the Machine, but before it could come to a full stop, every colour with any saturation had ceased to be, and the bOTTifactors could only see black and white, and a little gray spot here or there. Most everything, in fact, had become either black (including the ground, the sea, the coffee, babies, molpies and trees) or white (which included the clouds, the sun and the stars, along with the beautiful brashations and neotremes that zipped and circled eagerly through the skies, though they could now no longer be distinguished from the sky itself which was also completely white.)
    "It looks like you gave us just two colours after all, everything is black and white."
    "No, there are still a lot of grays left," offered the Machine helpfully, "... though they are in fairly short supply, so I suppose you should reserve them for dawn and dusk, and certain special dark places."
    "Great Randall!" cried Balthacarius. "And what of blue? And where are yellow and green, and my beautiful red?"
    "They no longer are, nor will ever exist again," the Machine said calmly. "I executed, or rather only began to execute, your order..."
    "Which was to reduce everything to two colours?"
    "Well, one at first, and if I had done that in one fell swoop, everything would be exactly the same colour and that includes Mrorl, the sky, the Universe, and you -- and even myself. In which case who could say and to whom could it be said that I even exist, and am an efficient and capable Machine? We would all be effectively invisible and blind!"
    "Yes, fine, let's drop the subject," said Balthacarius. "I have nothing more to ask of you, only please, dear Machine, please return the colour red."
    "But I can't, unless you quantify it with a parameter N of course, but since all colour now exists in one dimension, from black to white, that is the only axis upon which you can place your N, and so grays are now the only colours I have to work with."
    "But I want red!"
    "Sorry, no red," said the Machine. "Take a good look at this world, how bland it has become, with huge gaping holes where once there was vibrant colour." The Machine glared at both bOTTifactors, and they could not return its gaze. "This is your work, envious ones! You who would wish for things to be Standardized! And I hardly think the future generations will bless you for it..."
    "Perhaps... they won't find out, perhaps they won't notice," groaned the pale Balthacarius, gazing incredulously at the horizon, everywhere stark white against inky black. Leaving Mrorl and the Machine that could grant any wish in one parameter N, Balthacarius skulked home.
    Mrorl sighed, deactivated and then began to dismantle the machine, realizing it was best to have a world without standards, whether parametrized or otherwise. To this day the world has remained exclusively black and white, with but occasional grays, and as all subsequent attempts to build a wish-ungranting, de-standardizing machine met with failure, it is to be feared that never again will we have such wowtreeful colours as the blues and the reds -- no, never again.

--

1 The familiar children's verse, ni ni ni ni ni chupacabra ping-pong ball! perhaps recalls a distant memory of this legend.

- - -

Hope you liked it! And don't forget to read the original, it's a gem!

-- mrob27

S "N.C.C. One Seven Oh One. No bloody A, B, C, or D."


BlitzGirl, back in October you posted a link to Casual Game Play. It's more addictive than anything C**ckie related, and I haven't managed to score over 40 yet.
Spoiler:
Image


Redundant
Spoiler:
GimmeFrictionBaby002.gif
Purrr.
MistyCat wrote:Ch*rpedy ch*rp the ch*rpng ch*rp.

Waiting for Lucky
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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby adnapemit » Tue Jan 14, 2014 7:48 am UTC

Neil_Boekend wrote:
BlitzGirl wrote:
Neil_Boekend wrote: Is the XKCD forum running on my phone?

Is your phone a tiny treadmill?

Not that I have noticed. It isn't really treadmill shaped. It's more big phone or small tablet shaped. It may be possible to roll it into a treadmill, but that would require significant force.
Google doesn't help either. Phone treadmill gives a lot of results, but no treadmill made out of a phone.

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Empress adnapemit "Nancy" "Time Panda"
[adnapemit|timepanda]
Does anyone actually read signatures?

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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby BlitzGirl » Tue Jan 14, 2014 7:58 am UTC

Hamply power? :)

MistyCat wrote:BlitzGirl, back in October you posted a link to Casual Game Play. It's more addictive than anything C**ckie related, and I haven't managed to score over 40 yet.

Oh yes, that can be quite addicting. I find myself readdicted every now and then. I've never broken 40 either.
Knight Temporal of the One True Comic
BlitzGirl the Pink, Mopey Molpy Mome
Spoiler:
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Image<Profile
~.Image~.FAQ->Image

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Re: 1190: "Time"

Postby Neil_Boekend » Tue Jan 14, 2014 8:23 am UTC

BlitzGirl wrote:Hamply power? :)

MistyCat wrote:BlitzGirl, back in October you posted a link to Casual Game Play. It's more addictive than anything C**ckie related, and I haven't managed to score over 40 yet.

Oh yes, that can be quite addicting. I find myself readdicted every now and then. I've never broken 40 either.

Hmm, it does seem addictive. On the train back home I must try if it works on a phone.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

he/him/his

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Time After Time: t1i-0350

Postby mscha » Tue Jan 14, 2014 8:30 am UTC

CONCURRONGLY...
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Spoiler:
Wait for it.
-- posted by newpixbot


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