sick of the whole fucking world. everyone should die. tired of this bullshit.
finally was getting into a space where my problems were fucking dealt with and i had mental energy i could apply to things i wanted to do with my life, things id been putting off for years or decades while dealing with more importnat shit
and then when im finally starting to actually LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE AGAIN my mom becomes a walking goddamn disaster area with a new huge problem every fucking day that she needs me to bail her out of
last year i lent her over 700 dollars, 500 of it in the past few months. in the past two weeks i've bailed her our for 500 rent and 200 overdraw at her old bank, opened a new bank account for her with 25 bucks that was supposed to sit there until her next disability check comes in on the first, bought her a month's worth of groceries and gave her 20 of emergency cash in case she desperately needed something before the first because she ALREADY SPENT THE 25 ON FUCKING SOOYYYY MILLLK IN THE THREE DAYS BETWEEN OPENING THE ACCOUNT AND TAKING HER SHOPPING, took over all her finances and set up a plan to make sure she never goes a single day with zero money or ever misses rent again if she can just get through to the fucking first of the month so we can fucking start the goddamn plan when her next fucking check comes in. plan also includes slowly paying me back over the course of the next year, and i don't want to pay another fucking thing until the check definitely comes in to the new bank account and its definitely clear that i can actually control what she's spending so this doesn't all just happen again next month and again and again FOREVER, IT'S BEEN HALF A FUCKING YEAR SINCE I"VE HAD A SINGLE FUCKING MONTH I DIDN'T HAVE TO SAVE YOU FROM SOME SHIT OR ANOTHER MOM, GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER SO I CAN LIVE MY GODDAMN LIFE. then right after that, she LOSES THE FUCKING 300 dollar PHONE I JUST BOUGHT HER TO REPLACE THE ONE SHE LOST A MONTH AGO, which only costs 50 (MAYBE, THE BILL HASN'T COME YET) because I'm paying $7/mo insurance on top of over $50 something per mo just for her to have the fucking phone in the first place, on my plan, of which she uses up 90+% of the monthly service available. then she keep sfucking begging me for more money, MORE MONEY IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS AFTER ALL THIS ALREADY< WITH HER 1600 IN DEBT TO ME ALREADY, because she fucking "NEEDS" SOY MILK AND FUCKING YOGURT, BITCH YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FUCKING DIE IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR FUCKING SOY MILK, EAT THE MONTHS WORTH OF FUCKING FOOD I BOUGHT YOU A GOODAMN WEEK AGO YOU INCOMPETENT WHINEY FUCKING WHORE. then on Friday she needs 25 for "medicine", which she says she will pay on her debit card so i can see it, but instead she withdraws only 20 of it in cash, and claims that the "computers were down" which the pharmacy can'tconfirm, and then i find out the next day when i call her about that that she went to some fucking party that night, so she just fucking wanted 20 dollars for spending cash for her FUCKING SOY MILK JESUS FUCK DRINK FUCKING WATER LIKE MOST OF THE FUCKING WORLD HAS TO. Then yesterday she calls me again asking for money because she NEEDS YOGURT AND SOY MILK JESUS FUCK HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU YOU DO NOT FUCKING NEED FUCKING SOY MILK TO LIVE YOU GODDAMN ADDICT, GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER BITCH. Then she asks if she can have money for "medicine" instead, LIKE IM GOING TO FALL FOR THAT AGAIN DO YOU THINK I AM FUCKING STUPID. so i say no, and she accepts it and will just wait FOUR FUCKING DAYS UNTIL THE FIRST OF THE MONTH JESUS FUCKING CHRIST CAN YOU WAIT A FEW GODDAMN MORE DAYS SO WE CAN START THE FUCKING PLAN AND THEN, I SWEAR, YOU WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER GO A SINGLE FUCKING DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE LIFE WITHOUT AT LEAST A LITTLE TINY BIT OF CASH TO SPEND AS YOU FUCKING LIKE ON WHATEVER FUCKING SSOOOOYYYYY MIIIILLLLK YOU FUCKING WANT. but then today she calls me again, from the pharmacy, and I talk to the pharmacy, and they confirm that they are the pharmacy, but can't tell me what she is buying, and can't take a credit card over the phone, but i can transfer her money and she can pay it on a debit card, but the pharmacy is at the fucking grocery store so for all i know she wants to buy her goddamn whiney bitchy little candy because she can't fucking drink water and eat the same fucking cheap food i lived off of for the past decade FOR A FEW MORE FUCKING DAYS UNTIL HER CHECK COMES IN JESUS FUCK. never mind that on Monday after that happens I'm going to the two fucking payday loans places you've been going to for months and paying over another 400 dollars of your goddamn debt. DO YOU REALIZE HOW FUCKING DEEP IN THE HOLE YOU ARE AND WHAT I AM STILL ALREADY DOING TO DIG YOU OUT OF IT!? HOW IT'S GOING TO TAKE A FUCKING YEAR FOR ME TO SLOWLY GET SQUARE AGAIN AFTER ALL THIS SHIT!? How i'm putting off all the shit I was FINALLY GOING TO FIX UP MY HOUSE WITH, the shit I was going to do "right after I move in" TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO before my own fucking probems made that all take a back seat for a while, FOR ANOTHER FUCKING YEAR BECASUE OF YOU!?
and fuck, i know it's not a lot of money to live off of, but you know what, I LIVED OFF THAT KIND OF INCOME FOR TEN YEARS, WITH HIGHER RENT, AND MORE EXPENSES, WITH NOBODY BAILING ME OUT, AND I SAVED UP TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS DOING IT while you were fucking in Vegas with your abusive goddamn on-again-off-again "fiance". And my girlfriend still lives off of that same kind of income and she's saved much much more than even that! And is waiting on me to save back up again enough to combine with her so we can finally fucking live together like a real adult couple BY SOME TIME IN OUR LATE THIRTIES, MAYBE BY OUR TENTH ANNIVERSARY. If you're not an incompetent total fuckup who can't manage their own life like a fucking grownup then it's possible to live a decently comfortable life like that and even SLOWLY SAVE MONEY FOR EMERGENCIES SO YOU'RE NOT A BURDEN TO EVERYONE AROUND YOU. I did it for a decade and YOU DIDN'T FUCKING BAIL ME OUT. I CLAWED MY FUCKING WAY OUT OF THAT TOOL SHED NEXT TO DAD'S TRAILER AND OWN MY OWN FUCKING MOBILE HOME NOW BECAUSE I'M NOT A GODDAMN IDIOT, and now after a fucking decade and a half of CLAWING MY WAY OUT OF POVERTY I'd like to enjoy life and live a little bit instead of spending EVERY FUCKING DAY OF THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE DEALING WITH YOUR PROBLEMS. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER OR YOU CAN DIE IN THE FUCKING GUTTER FOR ALL I CARE.
five hours ago i got off work and started writing a short story i was just sitting down to write two weeks ago when all this shit happened, thinking that after telling her off last night we could at least wait until after the weekend to deal with more of her bullshit. five hours later now i still haven't managed to calm down enough to start writing again. every fucking day for the past two weeks this happens. i think the shit is done and then she has ANOTHER FUCKING PROBLEM THAT RUINS MY ENTIRE GODDAMN NIGHT. I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP. i tried to take a shower after spending about three hours failing to calm down by doing internet shit, because every fucking site on the internet is filled with worthless goddamn morons these days, but only got halfway through the shower before i beat the everliving shit out of myself again, then slipped and banged my elbow something awful on the edge of the tub. didnt finish showering, put on clothes while still wet, went to the store to buy cheese and crackers and birthday cake frosting stuffed chewey chips ahoy cookie sand chocolat emilk, to eat until i either get sick or feel better. neither has happened. can't stop thinking about this fucking bullshit. want to put a fucking bullet in my head but don't have a gun. probably for the best. i'll just beat myself to sleep agian. fuck the world.
i hop eyou all die in a fire because every last fucking human being is a miserable sack of shit who doesnt deserve to live you guys are ok
Last edited by Pfhorrest
on Thu Jan 29, 2015 7:52 am UTC, edited 1 time in total.