*almost* the best superpower in the world

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eran_rathan » Fri Jun 10, 2016 12:15 pm UTC

But not nitrogen, which in high enough concentrations will kill you (or anyone else, really).

I can turn water into a medium-bodied porter beer with a thought.
"Does this smell like chloroform to you?"
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Fri Jun 10, 2016 12:30 pm UTC

And also without a thought. Including the water in your blood. Including the diminishing water part in the blood/porter mix.

I can create balls of pure energy that do nothing unless you stick 2 copper rods in them, because then they create a potential difference of 100 kv over the rods, no matter the current drawn.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Beavertails » Fri Jun 10, 2016 4:52 pm UTC

Granted. That seems neat. You can keep that. It's almost the best because it's not as cool as someone who can do it more efficiently.

I can hibernate.
flicky1991 wrote:Forum Games: Beavertails likes pie.

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby flicky1991 » Sun Jun 12, 2016 7:25 am UTC

It can happen at any time and you have no control over when it starts.

I can make anything taste of anything else.
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Tue Jun 14, 2016 10:18 am UTC

But you have no choice in the matter. If you eat something it is just as likely to taste of poop as of chocolate and there is no way to predict it.

I can make people understand that things like sexual preference have no bearing of the quality of someone as a person.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Beavertails » Tue Jun 14, 2016 4:05 pm UTC

Granted. Just.... granted.

We could use that.
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Wed Jun 15, 2016 8:17 am UTC

We are slowly getting to a point where it's not needed anymore. Right now the majority of the population of civilized countries accept LGBTs. I have good hope that the majority of the rest can be turned away of their bigotry. Then there will be some stragglers that are of limited harm.
I know it doesn't feel like it right now but I think the fact that horrible people like Omar Mateen lash out is a backlash of the progress we've made in the right direction.

Back on topic:
Granted. You get no superpower. The rest of the world get all the superpowers they desire. Accidentally someone crushes you to death.

I can make money appear.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

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flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eran_rathan » Thu Jun 16, 2016 3:34 pm UTC

but only Zimbabwean 20 cent pieces, at a rate of one per week.

I can edit written words by thinking about it, regardless of medium.
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Fri Jun 17, 2016 12:03 pm UTC

But the brain hemorrhages it causes HURT.

I can make puppies appear everywhere.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

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flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Beavertails » Fri Jun 17, 2016 12:48 pm UTC

But you choose not to after reading about the Mole of Moles problem on this board and realizing that EVERYWHERE is so much worse.

I am impervious to pressure changes though I can sense them as required. This means I can safely travel through the vacuum of space but everyone just thinks it's neat at parties that I am a great barometer.
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Fri Jun 17, 2016 12:56 pm UTC

But when you test it you notice that you're not impervious to adiabatic heating and you so die.

I am immortal
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

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flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby bug sniper » Sun Jun 19, 2016 3:32 am UTC

You were immortalized only after your execution. Your story is kept as a recollection of the problem with outdated forensics. However, the posthumous pardon doesn't do anything to restore your life.

My brain can read any bar code or QR code that I see.
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Mon Jun 20, 2016 2:09 pm UTC

Your brain implant automatically goes to the page it links to. When your little brother finds this out he places stickers with QR links to goatse, tubgirl, lemon party and 2 girls one cup everywhere.

I can estimate distances with 0.01% precision, regardless of angle and distance.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eran_rathan » Tue Jul 05, 2016 1:13 pm UTC

but only in angstroms. And you can't turn it off.

I can transmute elements.
"Does this smell like chloroform to you?"
"Google tells me you are not unique. You are, however, wrong."
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Wed Jul 06, 2016 8:24 am UTC

But only gold you own into lead.

I can foresee every possible problem that will occur when my design is implemented.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby SirGabriel » Wed Jul 06, 2016 9:51 am UTC

But you can't fix any of them.

I can juggle any number of any kind of object, regardless of size, shape, and weight, without damaging either myself or the objects I am juggling.

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Wed Jul 06, 2016 11:41 am UTC

But you damage reality. The longer you juggle the less the known laws of physics make sense. For example the force of gravity slowly decreases. As it reaches zero it continues to decrease, forcing galaxies apart and strongly accelerating the expansion of the universe. You are magically protected from the direct effects, but you die knowing you've doomed the entire universe with your shenanigans.

I can shoot laser beams out of my eyes.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

he/him/his

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eran_rathan » Wed Jul 06, 2016 6:33 pm UTC

but, much like Cyclops, you can't turn it off. And they are multi-megawatt lasers.

I can transmute any element into any other element by touching it.
"Does this smell like chloroform to you?"
"Google tells me you are not unique. You are, however, wrong."
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Thu Jul 07, 2016 8:38 am UTC

But only if the source object is 100% purely one single element.

I can choose to turn any object of any composition into any 100% pure material.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby thunk » Thu Jul 07, 2016 3:51 pm UTC

Said object is immediately coated with impure dust as it is exposed to the atmosphere.

I wish that I could turn all-way stops into roundabouts
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Thu Jul 07, 2016 4:12 pm UTC

But suddenly nobody remembers how roundabouts work and they keep assuming the traffic from the right (in right side drive countries) or left (in left side drive countries) has right of way. Every spot you change immediately becomes a traffic mess.

I can improve tile-paved bike paths to real asphalt bike paths at will.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby thunk » Fri Jul 08, 2016 1:15 am UTC

...which then dump you onto the road, next to Texans in ginormous pickup trucks yapping on their cellphones.

I wish the adiabatic lapse rate was smaller.
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Neil_Boekend » Mon Jul 11, 2016 10:00 am UTC

You can wish all you want but since you don't have the power to grant wishes this doesn't change anything.

I have the power to grant wishes I consider wise.
Mikeski wrote:A "What If" update is never late. Nor is it early. It is posted precisely when it should be.

patzer's signature wrote:
flicky1991 wrote:I'm being quoted too much!

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby faubiguy » Thu Sep 29, 2016 6:14 am UTC

However, you can only grant them to people you really don't like.

I have the power to make terrible puns about anything.

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Sableagle » Mon Dec 26, 2016 9:36 am UTC

Your terrible puns trigger lynch mobs. It's not that they hate the puns. It's that the puns were in a language none of them understood, and everyone jumped to their own worst possible conclusions.

I can easily, quickly and safely reshape, restyle and recolour myself and my outfit as if I was designing a new character for City of Heroes any time I want to.
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby eran_rathan » Mon Dec 26, 2016 4:29 pm UTC

but only from 2005 until 2012.

I am immune to all diseases.
"Does this smell like chloroform to you?"
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Sableagle » Tue Aug 29, 2017 10:14 pm UTC

... and violently allergic to all pathogens.

I can cure all diseases of birds and mammals within 5m of myself, including diseases of me, any time ...
Oh, Willie McBride, it was all done in vain.

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Peaceful Whale » Tue Aug 29, 2017 11:22 pm UTC

Everyone who ever had a vaccine hates you, you cure them, and then they'll get it later, you yourself remain uneffected as polio, Ebola, and all that other stuff ravage humanity.

I am a cat. (Cats are tons smarter than humans, can shoot lazers, and have 9 lives)

(This feels like "corrupt a wish" to me)
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Sableagle » Wed Aug 30, 2017 6:34 pm UTC

Everyone who's heard that you shoot lazers is desperate not to be caught lazing, and thus rushes around frantically DOING STUFF. You get run over with lawn-mowers a lot.

https://scitech.web.cern.ch/scitech/Sch ... SER_P1.pdf

I can break the fourth wall.
Oh, Willie McBride, it was all done in vain.

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby SirGabriel » Wed Aug 30, 2017 6:42 pm UTC

And every time you're in a room with four or more walls, you are unable to leave the room until you break the fourth wall. Eventually you end up by yourself in a room with four solid steel walls, and you die of dehydration before you even come close to breaking through the wall.

I can grant and corrupt other people's wishes.

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby bantler » Wed Aug 30, 2017 8:56 pm UTC

Everyone wishes you were dead.

I can mentally control ants to do my bidding.

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Freddino18 » Thu Aug 31, 2017 10:27 pm UTC

They live near a house with a young boy and a magnifying glass. You feel their pain.

Anything you can do, I can do better.
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby heuristically_alone » Fri Sep 01, 2017 8:37 pm UTC

Granted. You are better are feeling pain.

I never have to shower. I am always naturally clean in appearance and smell.
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Sableagle » Mon Sep 04, 2017 6:29 pm UTC

... but man, do you itch! It's probably due to the skin infections.

I can manoeuvre like a paraglider without needing a paraglider.
Oh, Willie McBride, it was all done in vain.

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Freddino18 » Tue Sep 05, 2017 9:23 pm UTC

The config file causes X-Plane to crash.

My computer doesn't crash.
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GENERATION 23: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.
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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby SirGabriel » Wed Sep 06, 2017 12:30 am UTC

But your car does, every single time you drive it.

I am smarter than 99.999% of all humans.

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Peaceful Whale » Wed Sep 06, 2017 12:53 am UTC

Everyone becomes (stupider, less smart?) in order to make that happen. You now rule a world full of drooling zombies. Enjoy.

I don't care.
My meta for future reference
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cemper93 wrote:Your meta appears to be "just writes whatever is on his mind and doesn't remember what happened more than five hours ago"

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Freddino18 » Wed Sep 06, 2017 1:07 pm UTC

But you give many a fuck.

I give many a fuck.
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GENERATION 23: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.
Shriekin' Criminal: Wu Tang, Voodoo Foote: pirate, Amos Quirell: wizard, Sun-Ray Fool: blues, Thomaz Hettkamp: Nazi, farty monkey snatcher, phire AvAtAr: 1337 h4x0r

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby Sableagle » Thu Nov 16, 2017 4:34 pm UTC

You get incredibly sore.

I can completely digest any part or even all parts of a eucalyptus tree at any stage of its life, as well as being able to digest normal human food in normal human ways.
Oh, Willie McBride, it was all done in vain.

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Re: *almost* the best superpower in the world

Postby The Snide Sniper » Thu Nov 16, 2017 4:57 pm UTC

You can digest it, but good luck eating it.

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