Taking it seriously: The zombie problem

[LE4dGOLEM]

In this thread, we consider the implications of various video games's style of zombies, and what would happen if we were to encounter them in real life. For example, would you get ready with a shotgun and fire should you see a Flood Infection form? A headcrab? What about a Dead Rising uprising whilst you were out shopping? Have you mapped out your school/campus/neighborhood in cas eyou are cornered there? Do you assess buildings for their zombie safety? Do you always look longingly at the extra-thick doweling at DIY stores, thinking if you could just attach one of the knives over there with duck tape to it, it would make a perfect polearm? Have you ever compared chainsaws for their ability to safely and quickly hack through rotting flesh and bone?

tl;dr ITT /zom/

[Belial]

In the event of silent hill zombies-

Action: Take own life.

[Ian Ex Machina]

For the flood assuming real life is legendary, plasma sword is the better killer.
However the prevalence of plasma swords in our world is pretty limited.

[@trophy]

I carry at least 10 queen bees with me at all times.

[SpitValve]

Classic Romero slow zombies: Lock door. Walk slightly faster than normal.

Headcrab: Probably just closing your doors and windows would prevent headcrab entry, as well as the slow headcrab zombies, but for the fast crazy ones you'd need a gun or to be real good at hitting them with things. But because I do not have a gun, and even if I found one I'm sure I couldn't hit a moving target that well, especially if I was crapping myself because it's a bloody alien invasion, and I probably couldn't take done one in hand to hand combat, I'd be screwed.

Flood: With an appropriate implement (i.e. cricket bat), I could probably hold off the infection forms, they seem pretty vulnerable. Closing windows and doors would probably keep them out anyway. But if other people got infected, I'd be screwed. You need to shoot them so much to take them down, unless you get them point-blank with a shotgun.

Though I did notice my old flat was perfect in terms of zombie defence (if they were classic slow zombies who can't jump on top of buildings and smash through roofs). Basically, there was one narrow entrance, but two ways out. The only entrance was through a small staircase, so that'd create a bottleneck we could hold them off with. The flat was long and thin, so you'd only get one zombie attacking you at a time within the flat, while you defend yourself to the rooms on the far end, which have windows that go on to a balcony that is a few metres above the ground - high enough that zombies couldn't get in, but low enough that you could jump off and escape if zombies clogged up the main entrance.

In my current apartment however, I'm on the 4th floor and the windows don't open properly, so I'm pretty screwed.

[btilly]

In the event of silent hill zombies-

Action: Take own life.

To do next Halloween:

Show up at Belial's door dressed as a silent hill zombie.

[mshep]

Headcrab: Probably just closing your doors and windows would prevent headcrab entry, as well as the slow headcrab zombies, but for the fast crazy ones you'd need a gun or to be real good at hitting them with things. But because I do not have a gun, and even if I found one I'm sure I couldn't hit a moving target that well, especially if I was crapping myself because it's a bloody alien invasion, and I probably couldn't take done one in hand to hand combat, I'd be screwed.

I know one of the first headcrab zombies in HL1 smashes through a door to get at you, so I wouldn't feel so secure. That said, I echo your suggestion of a cricket bat as the ideal zombie hunting weapon.

[UmbralRaptor]

I know one of the first headcrab zombies in HL1 smashes through a door to get at you, so I wouldn't feel so secure. That said, I echo your suggestion of a cricket bat as the ideal zombie hunting weapon.

They continue to smash through doors and walls at various points in the games.

For some reason, I think a naginata would be better. (slashing at a distance) Actually, a fair number of polearms might make sense.

But unless I found myself suddenly transported into something recognizably the Half-Life or Halo (or some other game) universe, seeing zombies would be... troubling. And I might follow Belial. (Maybe we'll get lucky and they'll be DnD zombies?)

[SecondTalon]

For some reason, I think a naginata would be better. (slashing at a distance) Actually, a fair number of polearms might make sense.

The problem with a polearm is what you do if the creature makes it past the blade. Which is why a good machete is probably the best idea... heavy enough that the weight does the work, gives you decent enough reach, but at the same time isn't so long that it's unwieldy.

I mean, use the polearm, sure.. just have a machete as a backup.

[UmbralRaptor]

For some reason, I think a naginata would be better. (slashing at a distance) Actually, a fair number of polearms might make sense.

The problem with a polearm is what you do if the creature makes it past the blade. Which is why a good machete is probably the best idea... heavy enough that the weight does the work, gives you decent enough reach, but at the same time isn't so long that it's unwieldy.

I mean, use the polearm, sure.. just have a machete as a backup.

Unless we're dealing with fast zombies, I can always just step/jump back. And if your weapon is heavy enough for it's mass to help a lot with the attacks, it's probably too heavy to swing very easily.

[Uffh]

Unless we're dealing with fast zombies, I can always just step/jump back. And if your weapon is heavy enough for it's mass to help a lot with the attacks, it's probably too heavy to swing very easily.

Machetes are a nice balance of weight and speed. I've carried one while backpacking before, it's no big pain.


With any form of zombie, I figure the hard part will be long-term survival, or dealing with panicking masses.

[UmbralRaptor]

Unless we're dealing with fast zombies, I can always just step/jump back. And if your weapon is heavy enough for it's mass to help a lot with the attacks, it's probably too heavy to swing very easily.

Machetes are a nice balance of weight and speed. I've carried one while backpacking before, it's no big pain.

I see, thank you. (and as Max Brooks says, a machete is good because it's so much more than just a weapon)

With any form of zombie, I figure the hard part will be long-term survival, or dealing with panicking masses.

Quite possibly. But over long distances, zombies aren't much slower than humans on foot. (eg: a human walking 8 hours a day at 3 mph covers the same distance as a zombie walking 24 hours a day at 1 mph)

[FoS]

Threads like this make me feel better about myself. I get to see that I'm not the only person who does Zombie Outbreak Assessments.

I currently live in a low population suburb with several large malls conveniently close for pillaging. I reckon I'd go for an Axe (easy to get with good killing power) and some kind of blunt object for quick nasty work.
My house isn't the most defensible though (too many large windows) so I'd most likely loot and run. I have however been eyeing out some nice potentially defensible housing in my area.

[tzar1990]

I live in a COMPLETELY rural farm area, so I'd be pretty safe. If the outbreak is far away, and it's not summer, we could probably just cut off access by destroying bridges (I live in a river-delta type area, with a river on each side, forming a triangle at my back, and the ocean in front of me.) Someone could easily swim the rivers, but a zombie couldn't. In the summer, when one of the rivers gets low enough to wade through, or if the outbreak was relatively close I'd probably boat to one of the MANY islands in a group off my house. One of them is an unusually warm (due to water currents) bird sanctuary, so plenty of food there, and the others would also work if I needed to farm. Only problem would be zombie tourists (if it was summer,) but the MASSIVE redneck population near my house (although on the other side of the river) would probably serve as both defense and zombie bait...

[Irrefutable]

I have found the perfect anti zombie weapon. Ill get a picture up when i can but its my brothers pizza paddle which he got for Christmas. It is extreamly light weight, is pretty damned sharp at the edges and its shaped like a battle axe.

Zombies beware

Atm we are living in the perfect zombie appocalypse house. Private water supply, wind turbine power and a decent stock of food.

I think even if there was a 28 Day later scenario we could survive

[SecondTalon]

So, it's like a Shaolin Spade, but on a shorter handle? I mean, Max Brooks is right in his assessment for a weapon like that.. in the hands of someone trained to use it, it'd be an effective zombie killer.. stab with the blade to decapitate, or give a swing to hit with the sides to decapitate/destroy the brain.

But it's something that would need far more training than a machete. So while I think it'd be nice to have.. like a polearm, but you'd want something as a backup until you learned to use it better.

And though Uffh already covered it, I wasn't meaning machetes are like battle axes, where the weight does the work.. just that it's not a rapier or a kitchen knife.. it's got some weight to it, but nothing a child couldn't carry and swing. Lighter than a baseball bat, maybe about the same weight as an old heavy meat cleaver.

[Irrefutable]

Very like a Shaolin blade but it doesnt taper to 2 points at the end.

We have some other probably less effective weapons such as ski poles, big kitchen knives stored up and flamable spirits but nothing which would fair very well against Dawn of the Dead of 28 Days later zombies.

Idealy id like a Fire Axe of some description..

EDIT Also given warning im sure traps could be set using the plethora of christmas lights we have around, has anyone thought about electrocution as a method of holding back the hoard?

[ZeroSum]

has anyone thought about electrocution as a method of holding back the hoard?

See Land of the Dead.

[pieaholicx]

One thing I want to know before giving an answer. Are we counting Splicers from Bioshock as zombies? While they technically aren't the living dead, they live almost purely on the desire to get more ADAM off the dead, much like zombie's desire human flesh.

[ZeroSum]

If 28 Days Later zombies count then anything that is zomboid should count.

[pieaholicx]

In that case...

For Silent Hill zombies: Say a prayer, repent all sins, and hope it works. If not, suicide. Seriously, you can't beat those things.

For Resident Evil zombies/Headcrabs/typically slow: I'd probably do okay with what I have at home. Granted, that's only a wooden sword and some knives, but it'll do until I can find something else.

For "Splicers"/Fast Headcrabs/28 Days Later: I'd probably be pretty screwed. Though I can't say I'd give in like I would for SH zombies. These ones at least have a chance of being beaten.

[Belial]

For Silent Hill zombies: Say a prayer, repent all sins, and hope it works. If not, suicide. Seriously, you can't beat those things.

It's not even the zombies, it's the implication: If the zombies are there, the nightmare world is there. How do you beat an entire plane of existence? You fucking don't. You just survive it, maybe. If you're lucky.

And even if you do, you're going to be messed in the head FOREVER.

Probably best to just kill yourself.

[pieaholicx]

For Silent Hill zombies: Say a prayer, repent all sins, and hope it works. If not, suicide. Seriously, you can't beat those things.

It's not even the zombies, it's the implication: If the zombies are there, the nightmare world is there. How do you beat an entire plane of existence? You fucking don't. You just survive it, maybe. If you're lucky.

And even if you do, you're going to be messed in the head FOREVER.

Probably best to just kill yourself.

From what I can gather from the series it's also highly probable that if you've been into it once the chances of reentering it are extremely high.

[Belial]

Unless you're Harry Mason. Then it'll just come after you out of the blue, 16 years later.

[Jessica]

Max Brooks is awesome.

[Nullcline]

Bladed weapons have too high a probability of getting stuck in zombie flesh. I'd go for a 3 or 4 pound maul. They also don't require much practice to use effectively, and are just as useful as machete's in non-combat roles. Also, they don't dull.

[@trophy]

Bladed weapons have too high a probability of getting stuck in zombie flesh. I'd go for a 3 or 4 pound maul. They also don't require much practice to use effectively, and are just as useful as machete's in non-combat roles. Also, they don't dull.

It's funny you mentioned that, because I was just thinking that the machete was a good idea because when you're not fighting zombies, it's got 1,001 other uses (opening cans, cutting rope, clearing brush, etc). And when the zombies come, you will do well to heed Alton's advice and avoid uni-taskers like the plague.

And the machete is the 2nd most useful thing you can own, next to a towel, of course...

[SpitValve]

...we could probably just cut off access by destroying bridges...

Except that the living dead do not need to breathe... See Land of the Dead again

[Nullcline]

Machetes do have a lot of uses, thats true. But most of their uses are better done by items that you should already have. If you have cans, nothing beats a can-opener. A knife would be much easier to use for the task, and you should probably have a good one anyways. Same goes for most other cutting tasks. A good e-tool should have a sharp edge for chopping, if you need to build something out of wood, granted it won't be as good as a machete for this. As for clearing brush, is it really that likely that you'll need to? I live in a pretty suburban area(heavy on the sub,) and it is much more likely that I'll need to bash my way through a cinderblock wall or brick facade than hack my way through undergrowth.

[LoopQuantumGravity]

I'll thank god for my theoretical physics training, and grab my crowbar! You'd be surprised at how similar killing zombies and aliens is with Kähler manifolds, or fiber bundles...

Other than that, I've always thought an offshore oil rig would be a good place to stay. They can withstand hurricanes, are far enough above the water to prevent swimming zombies from getting you, plenty of water if you can desalinate, plenty of fuel, plenty of fish to eat, easy to defend if you can get ahold of some big weaponry, you could trade your oil with passing ships for equipment. What could be better?

Plan B is to get to the ISS. I'd like to see you zombie fuckers survive explosive decompression.

[pieaholicx]

Oh, and if I could, I'd get someplace arctic. Sure zombies don't mind the cold, but frostbite could still destroy them, and snow will slow them down.

[Stief]

I totally agree with Belial in the case of Silent Hill zombies...Suicide=the most logical choice...

I have plans for regular Romero-grade Zombies on my laptop

Fast Zombies, however....that scream...I'd end up either killing myself, or running away....

Seriously, I watched the St. Trinians trailer (for some reason) and I was thinking..."looks ok..." then right at the end, a guy gets thrown out the window and he SCREAMS THE FAST ZOMBIE SCREAM....

cue my face looking like this for 10 minutes

[ZeroSum]

That scream is a stupid stock scream. It's used in Starcraft, Commando and countless other places.

[SecondTalon]

Machetes do have a lot of uses, thats true. But most of their uses are better done by items that you should already have. If you have cans, nothing beats a can-opener. A knife would be much easier to use for the task, and you should probably have a good one anyways. Same goes for most other cutting tasks. A good e-tool should have a sharp edge for chopping, if you need to build something out of wood, granted it won't be as good as a machete for this. As for clearing brush, is it really that likely that you'll need to? I live in a pretty suburban area(heavy on the sub,) and it is much more likely that I'll need to bash my way through a cinderblock wall or brick facade than hack my way through undergrowth.

On the one hand -
Can-Opener
Knife
Hand Axe
Entrenching Tool (Which, if you don't already have one, will be nigh impossible to find as they'll be looted like mad)

On the other hand
Machete

I'll take the one tool, as that leaves me with more room to carry food and water.

Other than that, I've always thought an offshore oil rig would be a good place to stay. They can withstand hurricanes, are far enough above the water to prevent swimming zombies from getting you, plenty of water if you can desalinate, plenty of fuel, plenty of fish to eat, easy to defend if you can get ahold of some big weaponry, you could trade your oil with passing ships for equipment. What could be better?

One word - Scurvy.

[LoopQuantumGravity]

Other than that, I've always thought an offshore oil rig would be a good place to stay. They can withstand hurricanes, are far enough above the water to prevent swimming zombies from getting you, plenty of water if you can desalinate, plenty of fuel, plenty of fish to eat, easy to defend if you can get ahold of some big weaponry, you could trade your oil with passing ships for equipment. What could be better?

One word - Scurvy.

Hydroponics?

[SecondTalon]

While a solution, not a cheap (in manpower and knowledge) solution.


Not that it'd really be too different on land, I suppose.

[AbNo]

One item that is WONDERFUL to have is a P-38 can opener. It's small (about the size of a nickel), fits on a key ring, and can be used as a tiny (or diminutive) knife, screwdriver, or other tools. Should cost you about a dollar or so at most. Check on line or your favorite surplus store.

On the subject of machetes, their like weight, relative ease of use, and multiple uses truly make it an ideal tool. Couple it with a proper thigh sheath, and it gains the ability to be rapidly employed, should a situation require it.

Of course, one of the biggest questions becomes whether to keep moving, or to try and hole up somewhere defensible.

Either way, traveling or turtling, having light, multi-use tools is important, both to ensure you don't tire yourself out, and to reduce the number of items you need to carry, keep track of, and maintain.

Other useful items include:
A common-caliber handgun or revolver for personal defense: .38, 9mm, or even .45, though .45 is heavy.

Possibly a .22 of some sort for hunting: .22 rounds are cheap and easy to stock up on now ($10 for 550 last time I looked), accurate, and comparatively quiet.

>>Revolvers have the advantage of mechanical simplicity, and therefore reliability, while pistols have the advantage of greater capacity.

Handguns are lighter and easier to transport, whiel rifles are heavier, but more accurate at range, and easier to fire some a supported position, as well as being capable of using heavier-hitting rounds. Choose wisely.

A sturdy knife: If I need to go into the reasoning behind this, you're in need of more help than this forum can provide.

A nice crowbar: Same reason as the knife.

A sturdy backpack: Where else are you going to keep your goods? Should be confortable for all-day wear, with many smaller pockets, as opposed to a couple of larger pouches. Makes for easier sorting. Quick-release straps are also useful.

FAK - First Aid Kit, see knife;crowbar.

Inductive flashlight: It might not provide much light, but it doesn't need batteries. Consider modification such as reflectors, LED upgrade (both for brighter light, capacitor swap-out(longer light), waterproofing).

A SCREWDRIVER..... No one ever mentions a screwdriver. Just think about it... It's light, compact, and could have uses for tinkering.

[Maseiken]

Zombies are known to swarm and congregrate on areas known to be rich with food(People), Should you wish to make such an area secure, home-made explosives would be effective in the temporary sense, but barier of at least a Meter's width would be effective, even if it is just wood (Althougha wooden barrier would need replacement.

[Gelsamel]

Action: Take own life.

You know, I've noticed that like.. half the games I play.. if I was put into that situation there is no way in hell I'd even try.. I'd just give up and die and let the evil guys take over the world.

Of course there is a lot I would try in, but heaps of them I wouldn't...

[DurAlvar]

This thread has reminded me of my desire to go out and buy a sword or two. Not big ones, but more machete-sized for duel-wielding coolness.