Awesome Teacher Quotes

The school experience. School related queries, discussions, and stories that aren't specific to a subject.

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AlwaysRelated
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby AlwaysRelated » Sun Apr 13, 2008 10:54 pm UTC

There's a running joke in the Maths/Science classes at my school: Whenever we go out of class "illegaly", the teacher says to say you're from Schapp's class (one of the long time teachers) if we get caught by a teacher/admin. One time some oblivious Grade 10's tried to pull it on Schapp.

Also, if a student is being particularily dumb, the teacher sometimes asks them to go get made-up-item-x from teacher-y. People have been gone for whole classes before. (Obviously this only works on new students, and only once per class).
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Hoags
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Hoags » Mon Apr 14, 2008 8:37 am UTC

The best I've got:
Mr. D wrote:Safety instructions? Who reads safety instructions?

I need funnier teachers.

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GBog
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby GBog » Mon Apr 14, 2008 3:07 pm UTC

This one is from my fluid mechanics prof last fall. We were covering gravity waves.

"So, in shallow water, for example the Pacific, d = 4000 m"

(He then introduced a tsunami-size wavelength (I think 80 km), and since the important parameter is [imath]d/\lambda[/imath], 4000 m is actually "shallow water" in this case.)

The same guy also had a bunch of other memorable quotes, for instance:

"Logarithmic differentiation, which I assume you've learned when you were kids."

Zanik221
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Zanik221 » Tue Apr 15, 2008 3:46 pm UTC

My old professor for Assembly programming, and VHDL is widely loved at my school for his quotes. Someone even decided to collect them all.

http://adelie.us/doctor_hu.html

Some examples:
"Parallel processing is like sisters, you've got to do them both."

"Every time I see my boss I say something from my heart, like 'Hey, don't fire me.'"

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby pedestrian » Tue Apr 15, 2008 8:50 pm UTC

Beleg-Aran wrote:Aight, First off, my business teacher always starts a more complicated topic with "It's time to get knee deep in the hoopla!" To this day, I doubt anyone knows what that means.

My history teacher refuses to sign any papers for field trips or whatever, and hints that you have to forge it. He explained this by saying, "Look, if you kill someone, smoke crack, or incite rebellion while you're away, I'll just say that the maniac forged it."

Also, despite this being more of a story, I say that my chemistry teacher was wearing the one ring and had been doing so for the first half of the year. I later learned that he is a dungeon master in his D&D group. On an off day, he showed us a 1995 documentary on why the earth is flat, to teach us that just because things are convincingly argued with great gusto, doesn't mean it's true.



Wow...this sounds exactly like my high school. My chem teacher definitely wore the one ring and is also a DM. I'm pretty sure he plays D&D with one of the art teachers. And those other teachers definitely sound like the ones I had.

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ishikiri
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby ishikiri » Tue Apr 15, 2008 8:54 pm UTC

Zanik221 wrote:My old professor for Assembly programming, and VHDL is widely loved at my school for his quotes. Someone even decided to collect them all.

http://adelie.us/doctor_hu.html

Some examples:
"Parallel processing is like sisters, you've got to do them both."

"Every time I see my boss I say something from my heart, like 'Hey, don't fire me.'"


everytime I read this: "andrewpangborn.com" under the quotes I saw: andrewbangporn.com.
clintonius wrote:The "thwak thwak thwak" in this movie makes me think they cranked up a powerpoint slideshow of angry pictures set to the soundtrack of a furious masturbator.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Sulla158 » Wed Apr 16, 2008 1:03 am UTC

The worst thin I've ever heard a teacher say.
AP U.S. History, the teacher wasn't joking.

Teacher: "So Nicholas Biddle was head of the second bank of the united states, his opponents called him Czar Nicholas"
Kid: "So the Russians controlled our Banks?"
Teacher: "Exactly"

AP Calculus
"The chain rule giveth and the chain rule taketh away."

We have a ton of good quotes from AP Calc., there was a shirt plan, but it never panned out.
The fact is, knife fights are a big part of being an adult. - The Slant

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Ribbon
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Ribbon » Wed Apr 16, 2008 1:34 am UTC

My AP Lit English teacher always makes the best remarks, she's pretty sarcastic so my friend (sarcastic himself) decided to ask her a question on the assignment:
Friend: So if I write in a sarcastic tone, will I get extra credit?
Teacher: No....and you already write like that!

Also, the other day, we had a "senior teach day" where one of the students in our class was able to teach, while my English teacher sat at her desk. At one point everyone turned around to find her playing with a Walrus puppet and she responded "This is Wally, the Jewish Walrus!"

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby hellmitre » Wed Apr 16, 2008 9:46 am UTC

Kirk of CSU Chico, speaking of the Middle Ages and its lack of medicine, in the happiest, most jubilant voice you could ever imagine: 'And then we get to watch little Willy die of the rickets!'

Robert of CSU Chico, speaking on French Rococo painters: 'Faggy French painters.'
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby abrenecki » Wed Apr 16, 2008 1:51 pm UTC

From my high school:

Explaining precipitates in aqueous solutions:
Chem teacher (paraphrased) wrote:So the sodium hydroxide and the copper chloride* do a bit of wife-swapping, and we get a precipitate - table salt. The other two - and this is what they're actually called - are spectators. *much laughing* Oddly enough, all of my students seem to get 100% on this bit.

*I can't be bothered looking up if this actually works. I think it does.

In frustration:
Math teacher and then-Head of Curriculum and Learning, now deputy principal and no longer teaching wrote:Tonight the aliens will come and put dots back in our heads, and the fish will not be returning on Thursday.

This one needs a bit of explaining.
Spoiler:
dots = Difference of Two Squares
aliens = made us forget about DOTS
fish = dyslexic carp

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby DarkKnightJared » Thu Apr 17, 2008 6:42 am UTC

My teacher last semester for "US Experience in Vietnam" was asked on the first day if we had a book assigned for the class that we need to get. To paraphrase:

Well, you know all those history textbooks you crammed your head full of and quickly forgot in high school? Full of shit.

He's definately one of the best teachers I ever had. 8)

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby The Ethos » Thu Apr 17, 2008 10:02 pm UTC

Stereotypical College Professor wrote:Well, you know all those history textbooks you crammed your head full of and quickly forgot in high school? Full of shit.


It has been my observation that this is a fairly generic way of College-izing and making history 'interesting'. If your teacher did it right in HS, it could still be interesting, even if the textbook sucks. (All textbooks suck; Texas, California, Florida, and New York are to blame.)
Thanks, and have a Scientastic day! - Dr. Venture

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby coppro » Fri Apr 18, 2008 4:45 am UTC

A test administered by the best social studies teacher wrote:Why is Wyoming so damn square?
Word for word, I still remember it to this day.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Rowadanr » Fri Apr 18, 2008 12:14 pm UTC

We have an awesome history teacher, mr. Law. He throws complex humour around thhe classroom and only about five of us get his jokes in the whole school. Me and Kris were researching various things to improve our Zombie Plan in the library, and suddely we found him looking over our shoulders and wearing his "ooh, cool!" expression. We tried to casually shuffle our notes into our folders and he, without any prompting, put up his hand as if in a pledge and said "i swear that, if i can see your nefarious plans, then at the first sign of zombies you may shoot me in the head and your secrets will be safe... now what's that, some sort of zepplin?..." :shock:

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Turtle_ » Fri Apr 18, 2008 8:15 pm UTC

I have plenty of good ones, I don't know if I can remember them all though.

One time a student who was obviously trying to waste time said, "<teacher name>, would you like a baby hamster?"
My teacher replied, "That's very sweet of you, but I'm not very hungry at the moment."

This isn't really a quote, but another time that same teacher (who taught English) was reading us a Latvian children's book. It was about a mole who was walking along one day when someone pooped on his head. The mole then went around asking all the other animals if they had pooped on his head, and showed them the poop on his head. They all replied "No, my poop looks like this," then proceeded to poop in front of him. Eventually it turned out that it was the bear or something.... I'm just glad I'm not Latvian....

Some from my science teacher, who was pretty weird:
(When we were learning about geology): We're going to be learning about relative dating, and not the kind they do in West Virginia!
Have a nice summer, don't step in any Shist!

One of my history teachers: Watch your mouth young lady, only I am allowed to say cuss words like hell and damn.
"Sometimes lies were more dependable than the truth." ~ Ender's Game
"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge." ~ Charles Darwin

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Ribbon » Sat Apr 19, 2008 2:05 am UTC

This one just came up, I had recently noticed that my physics teacher hung up an xkcd comic on his wall, "Misusing Slang" to be specific. I was pretty excited to see it, and I mentioned it to a friend who had a different class with the teacher, he then began to tell me the teacher had actually said in class, "That song is so pawned!" although no one got the reference. I wish I had been there.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Meowgan » Sat Apr 19, 2008 1:58 pm UTC

"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!"

Best.Lecturer.Ever.

The same lecturer also explained networking using The Prisoner as an example.
<L> dude. she made a motherfucking stargate.
<L> you need to keep this girl. do whatever it takes.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby LavaLampMaster » Sat Apr 19, 2008 9:44 pm UTC

I just remembered one of my Java teacher, who's a football coach and a sort of nerdy Mexican guy, right before christmas break,
"Have a good break, gentlemen. Don't do anything stupid, and always remember to keep it real with the homies."
I am jovial, for I am lounging.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby czar of fishies. » Sat Apr 19, 2008 10:50 pm UTC

My AP Chem teacher:
"Has anyone here ever had plum pudding? Evidently, it's pudding, and it's made with plums..."
"Then the sulfur gets infused with the rain as it's coming down. You don't want to dance in this rain."
"Don't sit down. You get wet."

AP Lit teacher:
"Women are bloodsucking demons that make a man lose his soul."

Some other class:
Student: "God damn it!"
Teacher: "Hey, watch your language."
Student: "Oh, I'm sorry... gosh damn it."
Me: "What operating system do you use?"
Brett: "I use a Dell."

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby ICDB » Sun Apr 20, 2008 12:31 am UTC

My linear algebra professor was doing some factoring:
"So then, pull an i out ... aaaaaaah!"

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby AKAnotu » Sun Apr 20, 2008 3:11 am UTC

My history teacher
"You can go to the nurse's office. Actually, you know what, don't bother. I've never seen her actually help people, other than giving them a mint. 'You sick? have a mint.'
(goes into a conversational format)
Kid: Nurse! my arm's chopped off
Nurse: That's great. Have a mint.
Kid: but my arm's cut off!
Nurse: Good for you. Want a mint?
Kid: ...But...there's............blood."

"North Korea is pretty much ignored by the entire world, well except for China, but even thy only talk occasionally. North Korea's kind of like that annoying kid who nobody likes except you, and you only talk to him because you pity him."

(doing a George W. Bush impression)
"We need to invade Iraq, and stop Osama bin Laden. It'll be good for America. We should go get some fire-breathing dragons and hunt him down on them. (repeating) Good for America."
Abraham Lincoln wrote:If you are racist, I will attack you with the north.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Manderley » Sun Apr 20, 2008 3:24 am UTC

These really aren't fabulous, but the first one's okay because only I and another person caught the humor of the statement. We were staining kidney beans in Biology using methylene blue, but no one could spell it (the level of intelligence in high school stuns me) so our teacher (actually a PE teacher who taught one period of Biology) decided, "Alright, we'll call it meth blue for speed purposes."

Also, once in my World History class, I told a student to stop talking -not nearly so politely- and my teacher said, "Thank you. Next time, please hit him."

The man is amazing.
I self medicate.

With tea.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Kikral » Sun Apr 20, 2008 3:30 am UTC

Our GT World History Teacher is a treasure trove of quotes. In general, he picks people apart and tells stories that have nothing to do with the lesson. We simultaneously love his class, but hate his guts.

"This is the first day, so I'm going to be blunt. If you have any self-esteem, by the end of sophomore year, I'm going to have taken it from you, stomped it, given it back during summer break, and then burned it before your AP exam. Got it?"
"No Hernandez, I know it isn't water, know why? Because it's RED!"
"Remember Kendall, I'm fat, not stupid"
and the oh so constant "Shut up <insert student name here>"
(Also Constantly)"So does that make sense?"

I would like to point out that this is the guy who wants to make a trebuchet big enough to throw his 6 year old kid into a lake.

One more for the road
"My grandfather used to have an old monkey skull he stole from a dead soldier. The funny thing is that it was big enough to fit on his head, so he wore it to parties *laughs*"
I am the man your gods will have nightmares about for the next 50 years.

scubadiver329
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby scubadiver329 » Sun Apr 20, 2008 4:24 am UTC

Haha, these are pretty great. I have so many, but I can never remember them... so I'll just share a few from my last physics professor.

While teaching us the right hand rule for torque, he realized...
"Hey you guys are engineering students... You have probably used your right hand already."

A joke at the end of class...
"Why did the doctor get mad at you for being late to your 2:30 dentist appointment? Because you're supposed to go before 2:30." (say it aloud, "before tooth hurting") That got a groan out of about 300 physics students.

And after doing a quick class electronic poll on a physics question, and looking at the answers, where the majority answered correctly...
"Wow, you guys are smart. Well, some of you are..."

Oh, and one from my chemistry professor, while quickly swirling a flask at eye level during a lecture demonstration:
"It takes a lot of practice to get wrist action like that."

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Morglor9 » Sun Apr 20, 2008 9:39 am UTC

My Applied Mechanics: Statics instructor was demonstrating deflection one day. He accidentally snapped the ruler, stating: "There goes my budget for the year. Cliff and Lorne get fancy computer stuff, but I barely get enough for a ruler."

Which was hilarious because for the entire semester this man had been a fairly serious, subject matter-only man. Very unexpected.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby DarkKnightJared » Mon Apr 21, 2008 8:44 pm UTC

The Ethos wrote:
Stereotypical College Professor wrote:Well, you know all those history textbooks you crammed your head full of and quickly forgot in high school? Full of shit.


It has been my observation that this is a fairly generic way of College-izing and making history 'interesting'. If your teacher did it right in HS, it could still be interesting, even if the textbook sucks. (All textbooks suck; Texas, California, Florida, and New York are to blame.)


I always found history interesting--I just thought it was funny. Plus he really was a good teacher.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby The Spherical Cow » Mon Apr 21, 2008 9:21 pm UTC

During a weekend of giving physics talks for one of our modules, we had a lecturers vs. students Trivial Pursuit game. The lecturers had a question to do with the actress from some obscure tv series and they didn't really know the answer, so were throwing random names back and forth at each other, trying to come up with someone.

This went one for a 5 minutes or so, with a few names being called out only to be rejected because they were in a different programme or too young or old to have played the role. Eventually, exasperated, one of the lecturers pipes up -

"You know, I don't think we're going to be able to derive this answer from first principles."

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby mmx49 » Mon Apr 21, 2008 9:26 pm UTC

AKAnotu wrote:My history teacher
"You can go to the nurse's office. Actually, you know what, don't bother. I've never seen her actually help people, other than giving them a mint. 'You sick? have a mint.'
(goes into a conversational format)
Kid: Nurse! my arm's chopped off
Nurse: That's great. Have a mint.
Kid: but my arm's cut off!
Nurse: Good for you. Want a mint?
Kid: ...But...there's............blood."

"North Korea is pretty much ignored by the entire world, well except for China, but even thy only talk occasionally. North Korea's kind of like that annoying kid who nobody likes except you, and you only talk to him because you pity him."

(doing a George W. Bush impression)
"We need to invade Iraq, and stop Osama bin Laden. It'll be good for America. We should go get some fire-breathing dragons and hunt him down on them. (repeating) Good for America."


I can almost swear I know this teacher.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby trvsdrlng » Mon Apr 21, 2008 10:58 pm UTC

From my American Federal Government teacher:
"The right of habeas corpus is in 48 states, and it's coming to Alabama and Mississippi soon."

"In Bill Clinton's case, he was found guilty of *low* crimes, not high crimes."

And my favorite: "There's no Klansmen in here... they're all on their way to the OU-Texas game!"

Also, my calculus teacher was going over a proof in class, and came up with:
"The proof is quite cute, if you think about it in terms of a psychotic kid."
My GPS has a fetishistic relationship with OK State Highway 9.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Poochy » Wed Apr 23, 2008 4:38 am UTC

I suddenly remembered a quote from an old science teacher I had a few years ago, who liked to poke fun at himself, particularly his own weight.

This is roughly how he explained gel electrolysis:
"The machine generates a negative charge on this end and a positive charge on this end. The particles have a negative charge, so they're attracted towards the end with the positive charge. The smaller particles have an easier time moving through the gel, so they move faster. Think of it like a footrace: The smaller particles move more easily, so they move faster. Meanwhile, the big, fat racers the size of me can barely move."

On another occasion, the same teacher once went off on a tangent:
"I don't like flying. It must be hard enough already just to get that much metal in the air, so if they put me on there, it's gonna go down."

And a few from other teachers:
"I know what I'm doing. I'm not stu...well, I know what I'm doing."
"Back when I was in school and we had to chisel our essays into stone tablets..."
"To understand recursion, first you have to understand recursion."
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby sparkster » Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:37 am UTC

My english teacher:
When asked about what we have to do for an assignment
"All you have to do is die"

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Wii Owner 3.14 » Thu Apr 24, 2008 8:08 am UTC

One of my teachers (8th grade) is pretty awesome. He teaches algebra, geometry, U.S. history, and video production. I have him for the latter three. Here are some of his better lines (paraphrased)
Geometry:
(explaining that if two lines are cut by a transversal, corresponding angles are congruent etc.) So we'll just abbreviate that as TPLCBAT... Hey, that's another thing we can add to our geometry zoo! A "tuh-pull=kuh=bat."

Teacher: I was going to give you one of those elimination-logic puzzles for winter break, but then I realized that it was unnecessary.
Most of (intellectual, year-skipping) class: Awww...
Teacher: However, if you can give me a good reason, I'll gladly assign it.
One of my friends: To give us self-esteem!
Teacher: You know, it's great that people are aware of the importance of self-esteem, but I only want the people who deserve it to benefit from it. I don't subscribe to that whole "oh, give the kids free self-esteem" thing

History:
(explaining salutary neglect) So there's a guy named Jimbob, and he really wants a dog. So his parents get him a dog and he promises to take care of it, yada yada yada... But then a few years later, Jimbob gets a girlfriend. He starts focusing entirely on his girlfriend and forgets the dog. Then, after a month or so, the dog decides that it doesn't need Jimbob, so it runs away. Jimbob's girlfriend finally dumps him because he forgets her birthday or something, so he goes to his dog for moral support. But the dog isn't there when Jimbob calls for him! So Jimbob goes and finds his dog and punishes him for running away, but the dog bites him and escapes forever. Jimbob is Britain, the dog is the colonies, and a war with France is the girlfriend. I realize this makes little to no sense right now, but you'll get it by the end of the unit and I love telling that story.


On a side note, my 56-year-old English teacher once played Webkinz for most of the class period. WITH THE PROJECTOR ON. WTF?

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby 22/7 » Thu Apr 24, 2008 8:19 am UTC

I have a list from my Calc II prof. Lemme see if I can find it...

Looks like no. Sad day. Anyway, a couple of my favorites from that class:

*while shuffling feet across the front of the room* "Infinity is waaaay over there."*points at far corner of room* "It's going to take me awhile to get there."

"Coming home drunk and grading Cal I papers is not a bad way to learn Calculus."
Totally not a hypothetical...

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Puck » Thu Apr 24, 2008 9:20 pm UTC

Our Math TA, Nikolas, was from Russia. Upon asking us to prove some painfully obvious tautology in matrix algebra, and a student complaining "but it's obvious!":

Then obviously you should be able to prove it. If you can't prove obvious things, then obviously, you can't prove non-obvious things.


Add thick Russian accent and stir.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby spit_and_prayers » Thu Apr 24, 2008 9:28 pm UTC

This one's from my english teacher, after being asked how long we had to to make our papers:

The only thing you have to do is die

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby 22/7 » Thu Apr 24, 2008 9:42 pm UTC

spit_and_prayers wrote:This one's from my english teacher, after being asked how long we had to to make our papers:

The only thing you have to do is die

And pay your taxes?
Totally not a hypothetical...

Steroid wrote:
bigglesworth wrote:If your economic reality is a choice, then why are you not as rich as Bill Gates?
Don't want to be.
I want to be!

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby karmiclube » Thu Apr 24, 2008 10:59 pm UTC

my math 230 prof: "I think even on a Friday we can agree that 30 is greater than 3."
Spoiler:
Image

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby bbctol » Fri Apr 25, 2008 2:44 am UTC

My French teacher last year was seventy and crazy senile. He spent most of the time talking about his service in the Moose Mounties, while we would make houses of cards and he wouldn't notice. Some quotes:
"Well, kick my foot and let it hurt!"
"Are you looking at a pine tree or what?"

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby That Guy » Fri Apr 25, 2008 3:23 pm UTC

My teacher quote isn't that funny by itself but hilarious in the way it happened.

It was the first test, a science test, of the first year of highschool, and everything was deathly quiet. No one was talking and it had been silent for a while, however our room door was open and we were right next to a staff room, whose door was also open. Then breaking the silence came the words from the staff room:

"Nae biscuits!? For god's sake!"

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Kaiyas
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Kaiyas » Sat Apr 26, 2008 8:02 am UTC

From the incredibly old, serious, and infamously short math teacher:
Now I know what they mean when they say get a life!


Needless to say, I got owned pretty bad. :cry:
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