Escape from Raptors

[badgerzilla]

You quickly run out of repair points, and once out, can't be repaired, so you are destroyed.

I defend my base with cocaine autoturrets- once they get hit, they stop wanting to pursue.

[dragongrrl]

Eventually the numbers of raptors mean that there'll be one or two that don't succumb to the effects of your cocaine turrets. These one or two get past the turrets, disable them, then they all come and eat you. You die.

I manage to trap a baby raptor and tame it. It teaches me to live as it does, and with genetic surgery I eventually look like a raptor too. Because I act like a raptor and look like a raptor, the raptors think I'm one of them and let me live. Huzzah!

[abrenecki]

You watch a really scary horror movie and are... well, scared. Since raptors know no fear, they realise that you are not one of them. You die.

I build a hamster-ball made of a material impenetrable by raptors, and live inside that.

[dragongrrl]

It may be raptor-impenetrable, but the raptors quickly figure out how to use rocks, Uzis, and other things to crack it open. They eat you. You die.

I hide in the deepest, darkest, warmest place [after forming a heat-proof suit] so that the raptors can't see me or feel my body heat. I make sure that there's enough smells so they can't smell my manflesh, and enough food/water/air so I can live for as long as I can. I survive!

[AngrySquirrel]

The water evaporates. You have to leave your hiding place to get more. The raptors spot you and tear you into tiny bits.

I take off my hat?

[Maseiken]

The Raptors are completely and utterly baffled, unfortunately, your head gets so cold that you brain freezes and you die.

[quintopia]

I step out of this hypothetical situation and into another in which raptors do not and can not exist.

[Vieto]

but they hire the T-rex's in F-14s, which can and do enter your hypothetical situation and bring you back in bite-size pieces.

I get diplomatic immunity, so the raptors and T-rex's are not allowed to get near me.

[quintopia]

But the raptors already own the UN secretly, and have you declared an international outlaw pirate. Interpol grabs you out of bed in the middle of the night and delivers you to them on fine china.

I develop a mind-control machine that no intelligent being can resist. It constantly reinforces the message. "You really don't want to hurt this guy if you know what's good for you."

[Lolsaur]

Thing is, the Raptors get together the dumbest raptors they can, who DON'T know what's good for them, resulting in these Raptors attacking you and destroying your mind-control machine. True, quite a few of these dumber Raptors will be killed off by any number of defences you have set up, but, just like humans, there are quite a few dumb Raptors.

I get myself a really convincing Raptor costume and hide where they least expect it - in the Lion's den, if you will. Well, Raptor's den...nest....hovel....Also, I have a pheremone emmiter, which makes me smell like a Raptor, over-riding their superior sense of smell.

[Vieto]

However, a mother raptor accidentally rips the disguise, and realizes you are a human, and feeds you to her young.

I Evolve into a smart T-rex and join the T-rex F-14 Squadron. Because the Raptors need the T-rexs' and their F-14's to take out Anti-raptor installations, and they know that T-rexs' in F-14s and Pterodactyls won't hurt each other, they see no need in harming the T-rex's and hire them to take out Anti-raptor installations.

[Maseiken]

You outlive your usefulness when the Raptors rule the earth, and they
BEAT
*clap*
YOU UP!

[quintopia]

I realize that raptors are not to be feared as much as CHAOS THEORY. If not for Murphy's Law, the frog genes implanted in the raptors would not have become active and allowed them to change sexes, so they would not have been able to reproduce, thus solving our problem themselves.

As such, I build an anti-chaos machine, wherein every time things should start going south by Murphy's Law, things get much better for me instead. Indeed, it makes raptors fall into holes or realize they have something better to do when they get near, and because of the machine's own field, it prevents itself from ever breaking.

[Megatriorchis]

Your state of chaos is the raptor's state of order, so the raptors get the machine to work for them. And the anti-chaos machine reverses. They kill you.

I fly to the moon and raptors can't navigate space.

[Seremite]

Before you left, the raptors had sapped your oxygen supply. You die.

I play the raptors the tetris theme song over and over until their heads explode. (Have you ever listened to that for more than fifteen minutes? I dreamed about it once..)

[Megatriorchis]

Raptors really love Tetris.

I trap the raptors in a giant pit underground and fill it with mud.

[quintopia]

Raptors have claws for digging and the fossils of wooly mammoths to climb upon. You're toast.

My anti-chaos machine only pretended to work for the raptors so it could have an excuse to let me die and resurrect me as a stronger, more resilient, smarter, faster, and tougher being. Then, by its power, a stronger, more powerful anti-chaos machine appeared inside my chest, powered by my own biology, unable to let me die by the fact that that would cause it to cease to function resulting in an increase of chaos.

[dragongrrl]

The raptors don't care if there's an increase of chaos. They destroy you, your machine, and eat everything in sight. Sure, the world is much more chaotic, but hey... raptors are in charge... they don't care.


I build a completely and utterly raptor-proof, T-Rex proof, EVERYTHING-proof box-room. It has no windows, and a door that is impossible for anything bigger than me to get through [this includes raptors, baby and large]. I have my own lifetime supply of air, food, water, and anything else i could need. The room is fortified by automated turrets, big big tanks, anti-raptor/t-rex mines, booby traps, and poisonous gas.

//sings
I will survive! I will survive! Yay-hay!

[Maseiken]

As soon as construction is completed, you notice a small closet in the plans that you didn't put on there, you go to investigate the spot where it should be, and you hear something moving about inside.
That is the last thing you hear.

I whimper pathetically.

[Megatriorchis]

They devour you mercilessly.

I hop into the TARDIS and get to another planet.

[dragongrrl]

You forgot about the space raptors. They quickly contact their cousins, the time-stream raptors, who attack you in the TARDIS while you travel. Because the TARDIS is not raptor-proof, you are very quickly eaten.


I hijack a nuclear submarine. It has enough food to last a lifetime, enough air to last a lifetime, enough water to last a lifetime and cannot spring a leak. It has nuclear defence in addition to regular raptor defence. Besides, everyone knows raptors can't swim.

[quintopia]

Raptors don't have to swim. . .they have an alliance with the creatures from The Abyss, who put their submersible city-ship under your submarine and raise you to the surface, whereupon raptor-brainwashed T-Rexes parachute from the skies and devour you.

Because of the sheer awesomeness of the anti-chaos machine inside of me, which I have already pointed out will not allow me to be destroyed, it somehow teleports me away and fills the abandoned space instantly with a clone of myself from an alternate universe, who whines pitifully as it is torn to shreds by raptors. I sit smug in a new place and look around. I am on an island in a high spot overlooking the ocean. To my left are Alan Grant and Ellie Satler, to my right, Tim and Lex Murphy. All around me are human-sympathetic T-Rexes which eat only goats and raptors (all have passed extensive tests to prove they are not moles, including the devouring of entire flocks of raptors). I sigh contentedly, knowing that even if a raptor makes it to the island and is not eaten by a T-Rex (which are more than up to the task as certain movies have shown) and somehow avoids the death-trap that is the intelligence of Lex and amazing determination that is Grant, my anti-chaos machine will save me forever from the raptors.

[badgerzilla]

Second law of thermodynamics kicks in, and your anti-chaos machine fails horribly once its vital components degrade, giving you an express trip back to the normal world courtesy of entropy airlines. You are eaten in as painfully a way as possible for being uppity.

I grow massive teeth and begin feeding on the same things as raptors (including humans). The raptors recognize me as allies and never eat me.

[Vieto]

unfortunately, that includes raw meat. You die of Salmonella food poisoning.

I am Iron Man.

[Sasha]

Your arc reactor is fried while in flight. You die upon impact with the ground.

I baffle the raptors with Windows 3.1.

[badgerzilla]

Then Linus Torvalds (secret raptor) reveals to them the wonder that is linux. Properly computing, the raptors are free to devour you.

I build a computer and am transformed into binary form to live inside it (think Tron). The raptors, unable to find the computer (it is deep within Jupiter's clouds, in the center of its rocky core) attempt to infect it (you really think I would live in a computer without internet? Pfff.), only to discover that it's running linux. Defeated!

[Sasha]

The raptors use a SPACE LAYZOR to destroy Jupiter completely.

I use a phaser (think Strange Attractors) to bifurcate into another timeline without raptors.

[Vieto]

however, the raptors double the power input to your machine at the last minute, and part of the ceiling in the room you were in is phased into said time line also, and lands on your head.

I live happily ever after

[ShaKri]

in a dream... then you wake up to find that the raptors have done that thing that the guy from Jurassic park says to the fat kid and are eating at your inards as you watch on in horror.


i get tired of making up elaborate defences and and blow myself up with makeshift explosives from (fractionaly) crystalised bleach and salt peter... i blow myself into dust... i doubt raptors would eat dust... unless they were desperate... and ultimatly i escaped them only to die of other means MWAHAH

[Azrael001]

They catch you before you can trigger your detonation.

Before the raptors come, I become omnipotent and erase them from every time line.

[quintopia]

The raptors find you curled up in the corner of a padded room, wake you from your delusions, and eat you whole.

I break into Aperture Science Laboratory, retune a matter disintegration field so that it automatically boils DNA molecules which are not human or dog, absorbs a great deal of inertia, and projects a spherical field 20 ft. around me (growing outward as it powers up so as to destroy any raptors in the vicinity when it is turned on), and yet still destroys all the things it destroyed before (including most electronic components). Then I portal in a companion cube to keep me company, destroy the only portal gun in existence, and take a nap.

EDIT; I also keep several replacement fields available, all running on independent power sources, in case this one fails.

[Sasha]

however, the raptors double the power input to your machine at the last minute, and part of the ceiling in the room you were in is phased into said time line also, and lands on your head.

I live happily ever after

How can they double the power input? It's got internal batteries.

[Outlaw Ralph]

You die of natural causes. What a boring way to die, and since you basically ended the world with the disentigration field, the raptors died as well. They follow you into the afterlife and rip you apart for all eternity.

I refuse to turn into Saladin's Mom and become Chuck Norris

[dragongrrl]

Unfortunately for you, you're not the real Bruce Schneier. Not only do the raptors know this, but so does Chuck. He rips you up and feeds you to the raptors for daring to try and impersonate him.

I turn myself into binary code and destroy the machine that did it, hiding among the millions of pages on the internet and occasionally moving from hard drive to hard drive, becoming a bit of music or part of an image. Sometimes just becoming part of a story, or a report, or hiding on my blog page! The raptors can't find me, especially since not only did I destroy the machine, but they don't understand binary code. Yay!

[Outlaw Ralph]

Unfortunately for you, you're not the real Saladin's Mom. Not only do the raptors know this, but so does Chuck. He rips you up and feeds you to the raptors for daring to try and impersonate him.

hmmm

This is true, I was not Saladin's Mom, I was Chuck Norris. I believe all you wrote was that some guy who is also named Chuck thought that he was the the real Saladin's Mom and killed some guy who was impersonating the person he thought he (Chuck) was.

Since the raptors haven't technically gotten me I think I survive for another post.

[quintopia]

Unfortunately you get caught in a honey trap by the net-raptors, who write you to a tape reel and put you in a box to languish for eternity.

And for the guy who thinks he survived: The "Unreal" Chuck Norris is actually a raptor on steroids with a human libido. He can't be bothered with destroying you himself, so he sends Mr. T to stop your jibber-jabber.

I realize that, after all, raptors don't exist any more, and, even if they did, they would be just as susceptible to rifle fire as any other beast of the earth, and nothing said in this thread will kill me in real life. It's just a game after all.

[BomanTheBear]

After giving the finger to the irony gods, you fall out of a roller coaster at this turn:

Spoiler:

The name of the roller coaster?

Spoiler:

I take a time machine to the ice age, where it is too cold for raptors to survive.

[falcon434]

the raptors have a time machine too, so they grab some heavy coats, travel back to where you are and eat you.



i use my 1337 power to turn into ryu from street fighter and own all the raptors in a high action fighting sequence.

[The Hyphenator]

You stop playing video games on the internet and get eaten by raptors.

I get eaten, then reincarnate into a raptor.

[Duckspeak]

Richard Dawkins (secretly a raptor) takes offence at your claims of reincarnation and tears you apart.

I travel back in time and tell the scientists not to use bullfrog DNA. The raptors, all female, eventually die without procreating.