Awesome Teacher Quotes

The school experience. School related queries, discussions, and stories that aren't specific to a subject.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby still-alive » Sat Jul 26, 2008 3:52 pm UTC

"I have now taught you one of two theory’s of how humans came about[[evolution]]. The other one is creationism. I won’t be teaching that one because this is a science classroom, and creationism is bullshit."- my 9th grade bio teacher

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Ciega » Tue Jul 29, 2008 2:50 am UTC

My high schol chemistry teacher, Mr. Stratton, said a lot of cool things, but the one I remember best is the speech he gave before the big unit on balancing equations in Chem 1. He warned us that it was a big subject with a lot to remenber and the test at the end of the unit was going to be difficult. "Over the next two weeks I'm going to be breaking this information down into small, easily-digested chunks, and if you chew and swallow thoroughly every day, you'll do fine. But if you wait until the night before the test and then try to cram the whole thing down, you'll find that it's a very big meal to swallow in one sitting. You'll have set yourself up for a severe case of mental indigestion, and what will happen is you will come in the next morning and puke on your test. And that's not fun to grade."
He also refused to tell us anything about "normal" measurements of concentration: "I hate it, I don't like to use it.... it's ambiguous, so ambiguous that I'm not even going to tell you what it is."
We also once fermented our own alcohol to practice distilling, "Because yeast... is a very strange beast!"
And once he told us that that halogens are sort of like Cardinal Richlieu, "because the closer you are to nobility, the harder you try to get there." No one really understood that one.
He told us that he thought people who try to get things to absolute zero are wasting their time, "but liquid helium is very practical" and that "a flammable gas is a terrible thing to waste."
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby grim heart » Tue Jul 29, 2008 4:04 am UTC

As a small class of about 30 kids, we had just come in from writing a mid-term for another class, and with riding that post-exam, nervous-energy-mixed-with-relief wave, we wouldn't shut up well into the start of the class. After about five minutes of waiting (im)patiently at the front of the room, the prof finally yelled out,



...followed by every single kid in the classroom bursting out in a roar of laughter. He's an extremely 'cool' prof, so we knew he wasn't really angry. And despite being used to this sort of thing from him, it nevertheless caught us off guard which made it all that more hilarious.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby ohnoesmilk » Tue Jul 29, 2008 3:17 pm UTC

Heard this story from my sister:

My sister had to go to the bandroom after school for some reason and brought her non band friend in with her. She left her friend alone in the bandroom for a moment while she went into on of the backrooms. The band teacher was in there too and decided to make small talk.

Band Teacher: "So, what instrument do you play?"
Friend: "I don't play an instrument"

Band Teacher: "Oh. Well, we all can't be special."
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vaccuums
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
<TheXPhial> lava?

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby pseudoidiot » Tue Jul 29, 2008 3:32 pm UTC

Heh, that reminds me of something a high school band teacher of mine said.

Someone had one of those t-shirts that said "Fire extinguisher" and had a big arrow pointing down. At one point the band director made a comment something like, "I hope it's not a very big fire."
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby DistributePi » Tue Jul 29, 2008 7:20 pm UTC

This one definitely one of my favorites, and it wasn't even intentional. I was in math class, and I can't even remember what we were doing, but my teacher ended up with something like this: pi(x+y). So he told us all to "distribute pi" [distribute pie]. Not everyone got what was so funny, but the few of us who got it started laughing, and everyone in the class, including our teacher, gave us really strage looks becuase they couldn't figure out what we were laughing at.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Themata » Wed Jul 30, 2008 1:32 pm UTC

My maths teacher, the most dismal lady in the world actually said something rude today. She was talking to us (the top maths class) about the School Certificate (Year 10 mandatory testing) coming up next term and how we could easily get a band 5 (highest is 6) but if we wanted a 6 we would have to put more effort into our studies. She continued to make a very badly worded joke, saying that "To most of you, effort is a 4 letter word". When nobody got it she continued to say "You know... Most swear words are usually 4 letters..." Still noone got it. Then I clicked and yelled out "EFF IT" and was congratulated by the teacher when she said "FINALLY, someone got it!"

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby MotorToad » Wed Jul 30, 2008 2:28 pm UTC

Ciega wrote:And once he told us that that halogens are sort of like Cardinal Richlieu, "because the closer you are to nobility, the harder you try to get there."
That's a great one.

My Power 2 (basically power generation and distribution) prof was handicapped, I'm not sure exactly what the deal was but his legs were very thin and he needed two canes to walk. He was a lot of fun and pulled some great pranks. We did a bit of a field trip to see a distribution substation (those fenced off yards you see everywhere). He gave us the little safety lecture you'd expect when walking around 480 kV equipment and then proceeded to fake the 60-cycle-shuffle when he touched the gate to go in. About 2/3 of the class were immobile with fear and the other 1/3 immobile with laughter. Mostly because it was obviously fake and we saw people, electrical engineering students who should know better, get so scared. The funniest thing is that not a soul made a move to pull him off the fence.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby jessicat » Wed Jul 30, 2008 2:51 pm UTC

My Cryptography professor was talking about biometrics and how when you have your hand (or whatever) scanned the computer searches potentially "THOUSANDS" of entries in its database and tries to find a match.

He said it was like how they used DNA in the Anna Nicole Smith case to determine who the father of her child was. :lol:

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby OmegaLord » Wed Jul 30, 2008 8:17 pm UTC

eternal luna wrote:And a juggling sub we had for science (studying organisms) in year 8:
So what do you guys know about *glances down at sheet* the kingdoms of orgasms?


If you're not quiet, I will break my good foot off on your head.
Last edited by OmegaLord on Thu Jul 31, 2008 6:29 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.
So what do you guys know about *glances down at sheet* the kingdoms of orgasms
but I just don't see why someone would tape themselves together.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby kinigget » Thu Jul 31, 2008 4:02 am UTC

I suppose band conductors count as teachers so here goes . . .

My band teacher senior year was an amazing guy, one day he had to leave class about five minutes early so he told us that at the end of class he was going to have us start playing one of the songs we were rehearsing an then walk out. So the end of class comes and he starts us off and then starts to leave, but we stop playing almost immediately, so he starts us again and when somebody started to complain he just said "conductors are lame! Go!"

then there was the concert where he came out to conduct a piece called "fiesta" wearing a gigantic sombrero, and so was the trumpet soloist.

there's probably more but I can't think of any right now.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby xixheartxyoux » Thu Jul 31, 2008 9:17 pm UTC

In my Euclidean Geometry class in my sophomore year in college, we were working through a long proof requiring a lot of different pieces and my Arabic professor went into this long story from his childhood, which is as follows.

There once was a guy walking through the desert who found a shoe horse (he meant horse shoe but consistently said shoe horse). So the guy then remarked that he now only needed 3 more shoe horses and a horse.

For the rest of the semester anytime we were working through a proof he always said well we have one shoe horse, now we only need 3 more shoe horses and the horse!

“The highest form of pure thought is in mathematics”--Plato

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Deskchair Intellectual » Fri Aug 01, 2008 9:56 am UTC

I had an AP English teacher in 6th grade who was helping us study for a spelling test. We were also somewhat studing mnemonic devices, and he decided to use an example for the world 'calendar'. Most students spelled it 'calendER' accidentally.
So, he asked for a student to help him.
I raised my hand, and he got a chair and asked me to stand on it and yell "CalenDAR! CalenDAR!"

I did it. Most of us got it right on the test.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby dragongrrl » Mon Aug 04, 2008 8:25 am UTC

Hehe... we had a fun day today.

Our physics teacher is fairly crazy. He's the kind of guy that if the school needs something "interesting" to raise money, he'll be the one who dresses up in a pink tutu, pink tights, and an umbrella. For the day. Yes, he's awesome.

So today, we were learning about electric motors. And being idiots, whenever he asked a question, we'd call out numerous stupid answers. He asks us to stop, but we continue. We're a small class so we get away with murder. And he never follows through on threats. Cue the following.

Teacher: ... [stuff].... and this force, Force B, is...?
Student 1: Nuclear fission!
Teacher: Come on now, be serious, what is it?
Student 2: Gravity!
Student 3: Latent heat!

//shocked silence

Teacher: Now, does anybody have a GOOD answer? Or do I have to threaten you with crackers next?

He's the best teacher :D
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Avelion » Tue Aug 05, 2008 3:59 am UTC

Roland Lockheart wrote:I have an english teacher named Ellerhoff who goes simply by the name "E" and her best quote is as follows:
I Solemly Swear On Six Stacks Of Green Pancakes

Holy crap this is an old post but I simply had to say something seeing as how I actually took her classes and she's my favorite teacher ever. She teaches English now?
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby kurennia » Tue Aug 05, 2008 5:21 am UTC

More than one band director I’ve had, to someone (invariably a trombonist) who is having trouble putting air through his or her instrument:
There’s a switch on your trombone. It’s either in suck mode or in blow mode.

My AP World History teacher, in an attempt to sort out those who were doing presentations solely on Judaism from those who were presenting on more than one religion:
Is anyone doing a presentation on straight Judaism? … No, I don’t mean Judaism without gay people.

A T-shirt allegedly worn by one of my physics teachers, who was famous for being brilliant yet abrasive:
The sooner you realize that I’m God, the faster we’ll get along.

My last high school computer science teacher, well-known for euphemistic speech, in a moment of great displeasure with the administration:
As far as I’m concerned, they can go copulate with some waterfowl.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby kycard » Wed Aug 06, 2008 2:47 am UTC

For grade 11 English, I had the coolest teacher ever. He is also the philosophy teacher, so he'd break into random tangents.

Mr. Perry - Well where are we?
Brendon - In school?
P - And where is that?
B - In *insert town name*?
P - And where is that?
B - In Ontario?
P - And where is that?
B - In Canada?
P - And where is that?
B - On earth?
P - And that?
B - In the galaxy?
P - And where is that?
B - I have no idea.

Also, during the final exam, about an hour and fifteen minutes into it, all you hear is, *KTCH-TSSS* (Can opening) "Anyone want a beer?" Everyone left in the class just looked back at him and laughed.
I also told him I took philosophy and he gave me a complicated handshake, and it was the coolest thing I've ever seen. :D
OH! He also started throwing out candy to people who got answers correct. But, someone looked at a package and it was like, wine candy or something. And he was like, "What? Oh well."

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby pseudoidiot » Wed Aug 06, 2008 3:38 am UTC

kycard wrote:OH! He also started throwing out candy to people who got answers correct. But, someone looked at a package and it was like, wine candy or something. And he was like, "What? Oh well."

Not really a quote, but this reminded me of my 8th grade Algebra teacher. When we had tests, students who got a 90%-100% got a Blow Pop sucker. People with 80%-90% got Dum-Dums :D (everyone else got nothing).
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Happyhovercraft » Wed Aug 06, 2008 12:59 pm UTC

My old French teacher asked us to translate these sentences:

Johnny Depp is UNDER the table

The girls are NEAR the table

The Escape route is BEHIND the table

The knifes are IN the girls hands

The corpse is ON the table

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby faerlan » Wed Aug 06, 2008 7:30 pm UTC

I went to a Latin summer school this summer, my teacher was awesome, and I have a few funny quotes:

"They have the fan, we have Socrates."

"(reading from a note) Put your rubbish somewhere suitable ie. a bin"

"Well, it wasn't procreating with Venus that angered the gods, what was it?"
"He didn't call her back?"

(from The Millionaire's Dinner Party) "vinum in caput meum abiit. plurimum bibi et plane madidus sum."

The wine has gone to my head. I have drunk the most and clearly I am drunk.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby carbohydrated » Thu Aug 07, 2008 9:54 pm UTC

One thing that comes to mind is my 10th grade math teacher, who was a pretty awesome dude.
We were doing a unit on probability, so he gave the example of dice.

"Now, dice are random. You'll have a 1/6 chance of getting any one of the numbers at each separate roll, unless you have rigged dice that is. Then you'll want to go to Vegas with those dice, but do keep in mind that you'll probably get beaten and shot."
Then, nonchalantly, he continued with the lesson.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Raiku » Thu Aug 07, 2008 10:43 pm UTC

Probably my 1st year History teacher... she walked out the room, leaving the door open... some idiot shouted 'I wanna screw you' (And I can fully understand why), and she shouted back 'Mabye you do, but I don't want aids', getting a suspension 1 week later for some reason...

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby pkuky » Sun Aug 10, 2008 1:19 pm UTC

english teacher: (I ran into her in the library when she was taking to kill a mockingbird out with some eigth graders):
me: "hey, we didn't do those until ninth grade!"
her: well, they're smarter then you.

also: (when reading a poem by robert frost): "he says he has miles to go and promses to keep. maybe he's a delivary boy? maybe he's a country doctor?

music teacher in rehersal:
girl: can we rest?
teacher: you can rest in the grave.
girl: but the grave's so far... (she's still alive now, two years afterwards, so no ironic coincidence).

math teacher: (imagine a scary russian guy with a huge mustache)
daniel, where's the proof written?
daniel: um... on the board?
teacher *hitting him on the back of the head*: why isn't it copied down?

me: what was my grade in discrete math?
teacher: 77.
me: aww... oh well...
teacher: ah, I'm just kiddin' you, it was 95.

student: have you graded the tests?
teacher: what sorta question is that? do I ask you what YOU did on your holidays?

phisics teacher (my favourite quote):
ok, say we have a jeep. do you know why people get jeeps?
class: to get girls!
teacher: ok... well, a jeep is for wild terrain. so let's say it got stuck in mud. we send this ideal rope out, which is assumed to be weightless...
me: ha! so that rope is the perfect girl!
teacher: keep that up, and even a jeep won't save you.
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Raiku » Sun Aug 10, 2008 10:02 pm UTC

Please note, this is an annoyingly awesome quote from my maths teacher...

Teacher: Son, do you know why you failed your last test?
Me: Erm... no?
Teacher: Because you fail. Especially at the game.

He then walked away chuckling... bastard...

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Hit3k » Mon Aug 11, 2008 5:50 am UTC

Raiku wrote:Please note, this is an annoyingly awesome quote from my maths teacher...

Teacher: Son, do you know why you failed your last test?
Me: Erm... no?
Teacher: Because you fail. Especially at the game.

He then walked away chuckling... bastard...

You son of a bitch!
You made me lose twenty dollars and my self respect
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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby CPesyna » Mon Aug 11, 2008 8:31 pm UTC

Paul Sally, the math pirate of the University of Chicago (so named because of the eyepatch and two prosthetic legs he sports), is the subject of many amusing anecdotes. My favorite quote of his would have to be, "One of my students once asked me what the p-adic norm measures. I told him it measures the p-ness of a rational number." Say it aloud for maximum effect.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Chase Watkins » Tue Aug 12, 2008 8:02 pm UTC

I had hardly slept the previous night, so I was seriously dozing off in math:

Math Teacher: Chase! Pay attention!
Me: Sorry... hardly slept...
Math teacher: What class do you have next?
Me: um, history
Math teacher: Oh, well you can sleep all you want during history, but this is important, so stay with me for the rest of class.

Unfazed, she continued class as usual.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby TiPerihelion » Wed Aug 13, 2008 8:42 am UTC

So, I'm going to stick everything of any significant length in spoiler tabs because I have a *lot* of quotes. They're funny, I promise. I tried to format them in a manner easily readable. Single quotes are preceded by dashes; in dialogue, the speaking parties are in italics. I do hope some people will actually view the spoilers. I'm the type of person who makes a point to write down amusing quotes, and these are the accumulation of several years, so it's not *that* unreasonable to have so many. These are just the best, anyway. I hope you all enjoy them.

AP Physics/Calc
-"Thank you, Fundamental Theorem of Calculus – I love you."
Some more gems from my old AP physics/calc teacher. He was about 50-60, uber-smart, and always delivered the funniest lines in a completely deadpan manner.

Student: Wouldn’t that require your going through the center of the earth?
Teacher: Oh, that’s a minor problem.

-"You keel over and then they find out, ‘Oh, overdose of Tylenol.'"
-"No questions? Everyone’s deliriously happy with this. . . ."

Kid from the newspaper: Hi, can I just get a picture of Bobby really quick?
Student: Sure. Bobby – someone wants his camera broken.

HS creative writing II
-"It reminds me of an organ-grinding Zorro!"
-"Try to avoid sounding contrived, ‘cause if you sound contrived I will mock you mercilessly."
-"I can’t be like this in my other classes. I’m just like evil, cast-iron mega-bitch!"
-"Everyone who sees me thinks I’m intimidating. I’m just like, ‘Why? Because I’m six feet, weigh 300 lbs, and named Big Bertha?'"
-"Oh, it’s not a pond – it’s a fish store!"

In this one, it was the last day of class, and we were all instructed to write down something we were proud of from that year. This was an exchange between my friend Noah and my teacher:
Noah: Oh, I know what to be proud of – I didn’t sleep once in Chalfant’s class this year.
Teacher: What?! Why?

An amusing, but accidental, combination of 'I can't live with myself,' and 'I can't sleep at night':
-"I can't sleep with myself."

Regarding another teacher who "stole" her curriculum:
-"He stole everything from me. He stole Sylvia Plath from me!"

She also made the mistake of sharing a poem of hers with the class, which included the line "I will fuck a tiger" (it was supposed to be metaphorical...), and we never let her hear the end of it.

Intro to Philosophy & Intro to Ethics (2 different classes I have combined for brevity)
-On free will: “But even if you’re a parent who wants your child to have free will, you still want the ability to interfere because sometimes children are inclined to go out in the backyard with butcher knives.”
-Some metaphor for sex, I believe: “Listen, I know skiing is risky, what with its exciting loss of limbs, or running into a tree and smashing your brains…”
-On Socrates: “His method of death was drinking hemlock…not the drink of choice for a good a healthy life.”
-On justified suicide: “Aw, I have to work five days to get two days off…I might as well kill myself.”
-On bestiality: "And…bestiality! Well, it depends on what kind of animal it is, doesn’t it?”
-On the Eucharist: “It looks like a wafer, tastes like a wafer, smells like a wafer, feels like a wafer – I say, it’s a bloody wafer!”
-On Romans 1:28-32: "Doesn’t really look like a gay pride parade, somehow…"
-Quoting from the Bible: “’A man who has sexual intercourse with any beast shall be put to death, and you shall kill the beast.’ Well, this might seem a little harsh, you know…I mean, the sheep wasn’t walking around seductively or dressing provocatively…”
-“When an eager young dog mounts my leg, it appears to be consenting to whatever it’s trying to do…”

Psychology (101)
-On Maslow's hierarchy of needs: “You have to reach your highest potential for the good of humanity – you can’t reach your highest serial killing potential.”
-“Here’s the hobbit and the orc problem. It used to be the missionaries and the cannibals problem, but that was politically incorrect.”
-On testing prescription medication: “We don’t know how it works – here, have a bottle!”
-And again: “A lot of times, we don’t have a clue how it works. ‘Here you go – here’s your pill!’”
-“According to Freud, you’re here because you want to have sex with somebody in this room. It’s probably me you want to have sex with. According to Freud.” (The prof was a middle-aged woman.)
-“A lot of people will really build up their cars; they’ll really soup them up, and then you think, ‘He’s compensating for a small…ego.’”
-On Freudian free association: “So if I say ‘house’ and you say ‘cat,’ and I say ‘father’ and you say ‘BASTARD!’ …”
-“So when you went up to your friend in high school and pretended to punch them in the face, and they jerked away and you said, ‘Ha, ha, you’re afraid of me!’ well…no – they weren’t afraid of you; they just had a normally functioning midbrain.”

Women's Lit
-“Horatio Alger was actually a minister till he diddled some boys and got caught. Then he turned to writing.”
-“I guess that was a tactless way to put it…”
First day of class, with our teacher, Mr. R.:
Girl 1: I was wondering why you chose to teach this class specifically.
Mr. R.: You mean because I’m a man?
<Students laugh>
Girl 2: Is it to pick up girls?
<More laughter>
Mr. R.: <Smirkingly displays wedding ring>
Girl 3: Is it to impress your wife?

-On having a male women's lit teacher, one girl responded: “I think it’s good. It’s better than having a woman who’s like, ‘YAAH!’” (This outburst accompanied by snapping her fingers diva-style.)

-Still the first day of class, as Mr. R. enters five minutes late: “So, lesson number one: don’t be late.”
-“Lesson number two: take a piece of paper, fold it into thirds, write your name on the middle third…and you’ve made a name placard! Learning starts on the first day.”
-“You have to be here this week, or you will be dropped from the class…so, if you’re not here, try to be here Wednesday and Friday.”
-“The point here is, I am very, very smart…”
-On one female protagonist: “She’s both known and pointless at the same time!”
-“It’s handing him his balls on a platter, so to speak.”
-On his paper-comments system: “What you’ll often see is this…'+'…which takes about as much time to write as…'Good'…but actually means ‘magically delicious,’ though that’s a lot longer to write.”
-“We’ve just turned in our first paper, so you know what we should do? The Wave!”
-This was from a student, regarding The Awakening: “So maybe when you go about liberating yourself in such an overly sexual way, you…will die…?”
-Mr. R.'s response: “Sex will lead to death! Sex leads to death!”
-“Awakenings are hard.”
-“…and, I don’t know what other word I’m looking for here, so I’m gonna say ‘things.’”
-On Rorschach tests: “It’s a butterfly. Wait, no – it’s my mother beating me.”

French I (in college)
-“I’m not a real man – I’m French.”
-“I’m a softie…why am I telling you that? I won’t let you walk all over me, but you may step on my feet if you want.”

Student: Is there any rule to it, like there is in Spanish?
Teacher: No. It’s French – they do whatever they want.

-“This poor fly will actually show traits from both sexes. It’s deeply confused.”
-“This is unusual in two respects – one is that it’s just kind of weird…”
-“So gene one is making boxes…gene two is making…gumdrops.”
-“They can’t sense the damage. They’re stupid!”

Vocal music
-“If you lived in a world of vowels, which vowel town would you visit?”

Teacher: When you yawn, the soft palette lifts. When you vomit, the soft palette lifts.
Student: So sing like you’re gonna vomit.

Social Psych
-“It was like a Hitler, cloning, wet-dream experiment…”
-“Philly fans will rip you a new bunghole, man…”
-Sample excerpt from his wife, also a psychologist: “’You know, my dear, that last comment seemed to suggest a hint of penis envy…!’”
-“Is it wrong for a man in his 40’s to like hip-hop? Yes, it is. Can I help it that your music is better than our music? What am I supposed to do – listen to Celine Dion? Fuck that.”
-“Somebody in my last class had a book with tomatoes on it. Tomatoes bad. Umbrellas good.”
-“Well, like I said, I tried to lecture my general psych class and it was a joke, ‘cause I was on Planet Vicadin.”
-“When I was in high school, ‘You’re such a good listener’ meant, ‘You don’t interrupt me with your own opinions when I’m trying to tell you what a dickhead my boyfriend is!’”
-“That doesn’t look like free will to me, it looks like a poopy diaper.”
-On umbilical cords: “And you see this meaty cord between your baby and your wife – it’s creepy!”
-“Actually, if you’re interested in crazy people…ride the bus.” (Half the city uses the public buses.)
-“Eeyore’s like, ‘Get off my ass, Pooh.’ And Tigger’s like, ‘We’d better get Eeyore some Prozac, hoo hoo hoo-hooo!’”
-“Someone eats a Ben&Jerry’s and they’re like, ‘I’m gonna go pop a CAP in somebody’s ass!”
-“You don’t wanna call your boss ‘sweetmeat.’ Actually, you don’t wanna call anyone ‘sweetmeat’ – that’s just wrong.”
-“I had a colleague – he’s dead now, I think a student must have killed him…”
-“If your friend’s out drinking and can’t drag his intoxicated ass to class…”
-“Assume complete ignorance on my part…maybe you already have.”
-“A student of mine told me a while ago that flirting is even better than sex, and I was like, ‘You’re not doing something right, man.’”
-“I love Elmo – he’s cute; he just makes me psychotic.”
-“Ok, we’ll wrap up with gender differences and then you can go die somewhere. Hey – I didn’t mean it in a negative way!”
-Quoting his wife again, on his road rage: “’Stop it, stop it, stop it! You’re a professor – you can’t fight anyway!’”
-“…but if you just substitute ‘Terrorism’ for ‘Communism,’ you get many of the same results.” (sociologically)
-“But he understood the power of scaring the crap out of people to convert them.”
-On cognitive dissonance: “…and you realize, ‘Oh, God, I just told a joke about a transvestite clown, and my friend used to be a transvestite clown – damn it!’”
-“This woman is so environmental – you know, she gets up every morning, has a granola bar, hugs a tree…”
-“It’s easy to spot old-fashioned racism – they’re the guys with the white hoods on their heads.”

Kant professor
-On Kant: “He’s sort of an incompatibilistic compatibilist.”
Teacher: Yeah – where is West Virginia, anyway?
Me: West of Virginia.

-“Analytic philosophy is big and strong and I encourage you to do it. ‘Cause you’ll get jobs that way.”
-“The ‘dogmatic slumbers’ were filled with Leibnizian dreams.”
-“I can say, ‘God, William is a boring angel! He’s doing nothing differently from time one to time three!’”
-“I think this is getting complicated.” –student
-“Uh…yes…but with a little – with a ‘no’…and that’s not a contradiction in this case.”
-“I don’t think that makes sense.” –student
-“I’m not some pathetic gutter social constructionist.”
-“I generally think that Materialists are just cracked Cartesians.”
-“I think my consciousness is as far as my body and…maybe just outside it when I’m playing hockey.”
-“Kant was one of the ones who raised deep questions about big-ass problems.”
-“Its fliptitude is a property, though.” –student
-“The problem with linear diagrams is that it makes it look like, ‘Ka-chunk!Ka-chunk!Ka-chunk!Thfbbt!’ ‘Whoa!’”
-“You have a few stereotypical predicates for a hockey player, like being able to open a soda can with his eye.”
-“So, say you’re spacing out – everyone ‘pretend’ you’re spacing out!”
-“No shit can happen, basically, in a world governed by the categories.”
-“He was working on something that’s now called the Opus Posthuma, which basically means, ‘Pile of stuff you leave behind after you die.’”
-“I think the world is mind-dependent but not so damn mind-dependent.”
-“I’m inclined to think this was schizophrenia.”
-“The really virtuous people are just suckers.”
-Summation of Kant: “We’re compelled to believe we’re free.”

Teacher: Could I step back and go, <flourishing arms> ‘This is a bottle’?
Student: If you’re a spazz.

Poetry Workshop
-“He wrote some really weird shit. I think you’d like it.”
Teacher: I wonder – is there a male version of the Muse?
Student: Yes, there is.
Teacher: There is? What’s his name?
Student: Oh, I don’t know. I just had one.

-On Rime of the Ancient Mariner“’I fucked over my crewmates in Antarctica, and I’m not gonna let you go till I tell you about it.’ … That’s not quite how Coleridge does it….”
-“He was an out-of-control frat boy. And then he found God and things got dull. But it was all good.”
-“Hans Christian Anderson is a pretty dark dude.”
-“The Wizard of Oz is great, but what’s the moral? ‘There’s no place like home’? Give me a fuckin’ break.”
-On NYC: “It’s like ten shots of expresso followed by a snort of coke.”
-“Could we just please…shut the fuck up.”
That prof went on to Harvard. :D

Women in China
I had only one quote from this class that was any good. The teacher was a nice Chinese woman, who generally didn't crack jokes. This one came after discussing women's role in ancient times, and how they had a problem with aggressive women, which they usually chalked up to "spirit possession."

Student: So, if you’re not the first wife and you don’t have a child, how do you occupy yourself during the day?
Teacher: Spirit possession!

History of Modern Philosophy
-“Ok, if this is all we know, we’re fucked.”
-“Don’t be born to a scientist.”
-On learning a language: “It’s fucking hard to learn the rules to something you don’t know, and you did it when you were just a punk!”
-“They were just retarded kids. We loved them, but they were retarded.”
-“Chemicals don’t have tastes! How could they? Don’t be a nutjob!”
-To a particularly daft boy who didn't seem to get the fundamental problem of metaphysics: “Look – how do I know there are atoms in that? You seen an atom lately? I haven’t.”
-“It’s about my crazy neighbor. Actually, it’s about my evil neighbor.”
-"But there’s a problem. There’s a problem with you – the unique individual snowflake…that Mommy and Daddy brought into the world. Or kicked. However it happened in your particular case." (No, it wasn't spoken to anybody in class, it was rhetorical. Unfortunately.)

-“You’re going on a date. Before you go on a date with someone, you wanna know certain things about them, like, do they light things on fire when angry? Right? Good to know.”
-“Not so nice, these guys. They’re like, killing him with a rock. Not very nice.”
-“This reminds me of the book ‘Bear Attacks and Their Survivals.’ Has anyone read that? <Resentfully> Basically it’s all about the bear attacks and I didn’t find a single person who survived in there.”
-“Fashion and deckbuilding. They need to go together.”
-“She is actually taking out all her intestines and showing them to us. And in this format, it looks pretty good.”
-“I noticed that he had a hair on his sweater, and so I pulled it off, because that’s what you do when you’re standing behind a genius who has a hair on his sweater.”
-“I was saying either from God or satellites. Depending on your beliefs.”

History of Earth
-“So, our universe started with a big bang. And how big was it? It was really big.”
-“…and the sky glowed like a self-cleaning oven.”
-On the Yucatan meteor that killed the dinosaurs: “Tsunami, molten rock, glowing sky, forest fires, and nuclear winter. It was pretty bad, but that’s not all.”

Rousseau professor
-“So virtue is not as much fun as being at the hamlet in the nuptual bed.”
-On Rousseau's minor vindication of theatre: “If you go to a play, that’s two hours when you’re not committing any crimes or wickedness. Although, I think there are a few crimes or wickedness you could commit during a play.”
-“It’s impossible to live in peace with people one believes to be damned.” -Direct quote from Rousseau
-“You know, all the mothers are all shocked that these kids in eighth grade are having oral sex, but we did all that stuff, like playing spin-the-bottle, and now they’re acting all high and mighty…”

Student: Is this the time of the dandies?
Teacher: I think it’s always the time of the dandies in France.

-“Sex is not funny.”
-“M’Lord Edward Bomston implies that Saint-Preux is Julie’s lover, and he immediately flies into a rage about this slander, which of course is true…”
-“What do you think - is this a threat to kill herself or is she just going to automatically expire of grief?”
-“So, he can allow Saint-Preux to save face because he has extra face.”
-“If you wanted the sexy stuff, you kind of got it.”
-“God could make it so easy to believe in him. All he has to do is walk through that door and plunk a burning bush down on the table…”
-“The motto for e-mail is ‘Hope Springs Eternal.’ Because…the mailman comes, and you don’t get anything, but with e-mail…you can always get something – anytime of the day or night – always the possibility for something interesting; some new way to enlarge your penis…”
-“I used to keep this journal of my accomplishments, and one month my great accomplishment was that I hit rock bottom. Unfortunately, I was wrong, and the bottom was yet to come.”

And one last quote from my Cognitive psych prof, in a (native) thick Russian accent:
-“Mother was furious. She beat him up. Hm. Is that legal?”

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Mr. Beck » Wed Aug 13, 2008 7:15 pm UTC

Got a new one!
I am currently learning how to sail. (Yes, actual sailboats!) Apparently, my two married boating instructors found an unused 14-foot catamaran on a parent's property, which was graciously donated. Last week we took it out on the water- it preformed beautifully.
We're all sitting on the dock just after pulling the boat out, trying to come up with names. There are three male HS-aged students (myself included) and both instructors aged mid-thirties. Most of the names suggested are pretty masculine- White Fang was one of the better ones. The female instructor is getting a little tired of it and says:
Boats are supposed to be girls, and you guys keep trying to give her man-names! What, would you be happy if we called it the Phallic Phantom? Would that satisfy you?

Guess what the catamaran got named in the end...

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Master Gunner » Wed Aug 13, 2008 7:51 pm UTC

That was a lot, TiPerihelion, but hella awesome.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby dragongrrl » Thu Aug 14, 2008 1:36 am UTC

More fun quotes from my teachers... we seem to get all the really weird/cool ones.

12 Maths B
We were learning about using the area under a time/velocity graph to find the displacement, etc, the kind of stuff all the physics students in the class [me and a few of my friends] learned a year ago. So we got it, easily. Most of the other people did too. But one girl just didn't understand it, and thought that she could find something [I can't remember what, exactly, but it wasn't right] by integrating the equation of velocity. Which doesn't exactly work if you're doing a unit on finding-the-area-under-a-curve.
So Mr. Day turns around and writes on the board, "Is she on drugs?"
Followed by, "Let's freeze her pee for eight years just to be sure!"
[Chinese drug-testing for the Olympics... she wasn't happy, but we were].

Another time we came into class and he was having fun with his projector, laptop and powerpoint.
Day: [sarcastically, he's an IT major] "Hey, look at this, isn't this cool! It lets me edit the ppt to ANYTHING I want it to be!"
Student: [also sarcastically] "So why doesn't it say "By Mr. Day the Great" on it?"
Me: "No, that's not right. It should be "Mr. Day the Great Clubber of Baby Seals".
Day: "Good catch, dragongrrl. Anyone know where we can find a picture of a baby seal being clubbed?"

And we spent the next 10 minutes of the lesson looking at google images to find a good image of clubbed baby seals. Until the IT guys turned off his internet access. But it was fun!

12 Physics
[While learning about the magnets in power-plant generators]
Campbell: So those magnets are, like, 350-400 tonnes. They're BIG motherfuckers. Ooops, did I say that out loud? Sorry. They're BIG mofos.
Me: So those magnets are like 350-400 elephants!
Bf: What?
Me: Look, elephants weigh about 1 tonne, right? So those magnets are about 350-400 elephants each! They're HUGE!
Bf: But elephants have a different density to the magnets. The magnets are soft iron-core. Elephants are... well, elephants.
Me: So if I was to take the 350-400 elephants, put them in a blender--
Bf: You wouldn't fit them in a blender.
Me: Fine then, in a car-compacting plant, and squished them all into mush, then poured them into a mold so they were the same density as the magnets. Then would you let me measure things in elephants?
Campbell: [wandering over] Who's putting elephants in a car-compacting plant?
Bf: She wants to measure the magnets in elephants, sir.
Me: I can measure in elephants if I want to!
Bf: They're not exactly an SI unit [System Internationale, world-agreed-upon measurements], are they?
Campbell: Then let's make them an SI unit. So, to recap: Those magnets are, like, 350-400 elephants that have been compacted in a car-compacting plant, poured into molds so they're the same density as iron. They're BIG mofos.

We are now using elephants to measure a fair few things.
And my boyfriend's still shaking his head :D

And finally, from PC [pastoral care; just morning meetings in our house groups. We're Smith Senior A]
We had been told to do something for the weekly assembly/worship [includes stuff like performances, etc]. So we decided to do something like Rove's $20 in 20 seconds for our new head of house. Except we changed it to 20c in a few minutes. We're cheapskates.
Me, my bf and Skittle [a friend] had been assigned to write the questions. We unfortunately chose to ask for help from some other friends.
Some of the original 20 questions:
1.If all the teachers were to get into a fight to the death, who do you think would survive?
2. Would you lick me?
3. On a scale of 1 to 10, how hot do you think our principal is? [male principal, male teacher]
4. Would you go on a date with said principal?
5. Would you tap that?
6. Have you ever screamed like a girl in a scary movie?
7. Can you please imitate that?
8. If you were a girl for the day, what would you do?
9. On this diagram [bf walks out], where did he touch you?
10. Can you dance? DANCE, GODDAMMIT!

Our PC teacher looked at the questions, then shook her head.
PCT: You can't ask questions like that.
Me: Rove does!
PCT: You're not Rove, are you? Plus Mr. Heaney [the principal] would have my ass if you asked those questions. Out of interest, who was going to ask question 2?
Skittle: Me.
PCT: Why am I not surprised... why don't you ask things like, What's your hooker name?
Everyone: WHAT?
PCT: You know, you ask him what's the name of his first pet, what was the first street he grew up in, and that's his hooker name. I'm Jojo Breaker. What's yours, dragongrrl?
Me:... um... [oh crap] Smokey Samantha.
PCT: See? If the H-O-H--wait, did you just say Smokey Samantha?
Me: ...yeah.
PCT: Holy crap, girl, are you a part-time stripper or something?

My entire PC class now calls me Smokey Samantha. Despite the fact my name doesn't even start with an 'S'. And I'm referred to as "the part-time stripper". Go me :P
Teacher: "Right, you are no longer allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of your actions."

Damn. There goes my education.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Sir_Elderberry » Thu Aug 14, 2008 9:51 pm UTC

My new calc teacher who I just met today. This is my phys/calc class and I"m passing around "Purity" to show them, and my physics teacher asks the calculus teacher "have you seen this?" He replies "Yeah, I saw it on the site it comes from."

My brain skips a hertz. "Wait," I say, "You read xkcd?"

"Yeah. Have for a few years now."

In summary, my calculus teacher is win. -- Science and the Concerned Voter
Belial wrote:You are the coolest guy that ever cooled.

I reiterate. Coolest. Guy.

Well. You heard him.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby aju227 » Fri Aug 15, 2008 3:09 am UTC

My chemistry teacher in high school went off on a lot of tangents:

"You know, when you smoke a lot, you start to get wrinkles on your lips and around your mouth. So when you pucker your lips up they look much like an anus. That got my sister-in-law to stop smoking."

She seemed awfully proud of herself.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Fledermen64 » Fri Aug 15, 2008 3:38 am UTC

(Ap History teacher) "Touching makes babies."
"I just want to say before I do this that I have no idea what I'm doing and I love you all very dearly. Ok lets light this bitch and hope for the best"
-Myself before a homemade 4th of July fireworks extravaganza

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Glade » Fri Aug 15, 2008 4:05 am UTC

The only thing that comes to mind is my Algebra teacher who inadvertently told the class to "Whack it off". (Reducing equations.)

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby HarleyQuinn » Fri Aug 15, 2008 6:29 am UTC

I've had a lot of crazy teachers, and now I must remember to write down what they say :]

One of the best analogies I've heard was from my 6th grade English teacher on why English rules change so much.

They make things ok because a lot of people do it. If one person ever had wrote 'aint' it would be wrong; but because a lot of people write 'aint' its becoming acceptable. To that I say 'If I shoot one person, its wrong. But if I shoot a lot of people, its okay then?

Great teacher, threw erasers at the loudspeakers and picked kids up to show the difference between lay and laid (or something, the greatest teachers couldn't help my English.)
Magnanimous wrote:I used to be really into nostalgia a few years ago. Man, those were the days.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby sje46 » Fri Aug 15, 2008 6:55 am UTC

Lay and Lie, haha.
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Pirate.Bondage: Let's get married. Right now.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby 1hitcombo » Fri Aug 15, 2008 4:40 pm UTC

Gen Chem Professor:

"The Standard Hydrogen Electrode is usually abbreviated as SHE. And let me tell you, SHE's a bitch."

next day:

"I'm terribly sorry about that comment. I did not mean to be misogynistic at all. It was only a joke. I'm sorry for making it"

Not sure which one was more amusing.

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby bushdayroses » Fri Aug 15, 2008 9:58 pm UTC

My AP Calc teacher in HS - I had a book full of these but lost it.
"I'd deck my own mother if she tried to hug me"
"Kiel, muzzle"
"Kiel, if you don't sit down I'm going to put you in a straight jacket"
"The atom bomb that ended World War... uh.... which one?"
"I'm smarter than you, don't be an idiot."
"I don't need a girlfriend, I have a computer!"

Him: "I'm not very good with numbers, never have been."
Me: "And that makes you a good math teacher?"
Him: "Yes. Muzzle."

My AP Chem teacher once told a story about how he had a lead pipe under his bed and once used it to beat the crap out of a guy stalking his girlfriend. He said he contemplating killing the guy, but disposing of the body would be too difficult.
gmalivuk wrote: A naked human will remain as scrumptious a meal as ever.

Jonolith wrote: Pineapples; God's way of saying "Just don't eat pineapples" :)

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Re: Awesome Teacher Quotes

Postby Kaiyas » Sat Aug 16, 2008 6:34 am UTC

Glade wrote:The only thing that comes to mind is my Algebra teacher who inadvertently told the class to "Whack it off". (Reducing equations.)

I'm rofling from the mental image :D
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