Asexuality

[Bruce]

Summary of the thread: anyone who has a good news story and asexual/non-sexual relationships, please stand up. I am quite pessimistic about this, but please prove me wrong!

[cooldude76]

Heh. I was thinking more like Asexual Reproduction (see the Wiki redirect note). Meh...

[RikaLovesDie]

Summary of the thread: anyone who has a good news story and asexual/non-sexual relationships, please stand up. I am quite pessimistic about this, but please prove me wrong!

We're working on it.

[toenailzz]

I have called myself 'autosexual' more than once. Meaning, in terms of attraction, I am heterosexual (although nothing would prevent the same term being used by somebody who is attracted to the same gender) but I choose to not bother with so many of the hassles involved with having a partner. Most, if not all, of those hassles have already been discussed in this thread.

I like the sound of autosexual. It doesn't have the nuances of being completely uninterested in sex that 'asexual' does, and none of the religious undertones of 'celibacy'.

[Strange Quark]

I haven't had time to read the entire thread (it's not 2am) but I thought I'd add my personal experiences. I went though a period of wondering if I was asexual because I didn't feel that attracted to members of the opposite sex. As it turned out, it was more just a matter of finding the right person.

[antonfire]

I like the sound of autosexual. It doesn't have the nuances of being completely uninterested in sex that 'asexual' does, and none of the religious undertones of 'celibacy'.

Heh, it also seems to imply that you're sexually attracted exclusively to yourself.

[thinglie]

I pronounce e as the letter, eir as air, ey as ay. Other spivak users out there, is this your preferred pronunciation?

I'm not sure what the exact definition of a spivak is, but I'm lead to believe it's someone who is some sort of non-binary gender variant. If this is the case, then I would qualify as such, and I do not prefer the spivak pronouns. I prefer sie and hir.

Uhh... did you read the article? It's an alternative to "it" or "they" for gender-neutral pronouns.

[Elvish Pillager]

Hmph. I use "she" and "he" as gender-neutral pronouns.

[tantalum]

Can we split the gender pronoun thread? o.O

What I'm curious about is why asian girls especially are so reputed to be ice queens, etc. I'm an asian male, having had a relationship with two asian girls, both of which were quite asexual indeed (The second was like.. i don't see why this is so fun, after first kiss - I do think that enjoying kissing/sex is something learned). As I'm pretty sure that asians can't possible that genetically different from caucasians, the difference must be social.

Meh. So many unknown variables to solve this dilemna.

[poxic]

tantalum, you know you can't generalise from two samples. There are nearly 7 billion people kicking around, and a large number of those are Asian.

That said, I'm sure there is some contribution from culture in forming people's experiences with sex. The avalanche of stories and songs praising how wonderful it all is? That led me to expect fireworks and sassy trickses, when what I needed most was emotional presence.

/still vaguely hoping I can pull it together before I'm too old
//pegging "too old" at 70, these days
///edit: for the morbidly curious, that's roughly 30.5 years away

[greeneggsnoham]

Summary of the thread: anyone who has a good news story and asexual/non-sexual relationships, please stand up. I am quite pessimistic about this, but please prove me wrong!

I'm guessing that this thread is mostly dead as no one has posted in in for almost 2 weeks, but I thought I'd throw my tuppence in.

I also felt for a while that I was asexual. It wasn't that I didn't feel sexual attraction for the opposite sex, although I definitely don't seem to have the constant drive that other friends of mine have, but that every time I got into a sexual/romantic relationship it seemed to get more complicated than it should have, mostly due to my own 'issues.' So for me it was more of a choice than a predisposition.

Anyway, the only thing I would warn about is be wary of telling someone like a psychiatrist or counselor that you feel this way, because they'll label you as dysfunctional and try to fix you and hop you up on drugs or something. It's not socially acceptable to do this to homosexuals (anymore) but asexuals are still seen as somewhat deviant. The reason for this is that most studies done on asexuality in humans have linked it to low self esteem and/or depression (which often has the symptom of having a general lack of interest in doing anything, including sex).

[Elvish Pillager]

It's not socially acceptable to do this to homosexuals (anymore) but asexuals are still seen as somewhat deviant. The reason for this is that most studies done on asexuality in humans have linked it to low self esteem and/or depression (which often has the symptom of having a general lack of interest in doing anything, including sex).

Well, studies on homosexuality link it to those same things, so I don't see how that even makes sense as a reason...

[greeneggsnoham]

Well, studies on homosexuality link it to those same things, so I don't see how that even makes sense as a reason...

I would agree. It isn't a good reason, but I'm not a shrink.

[electronic mily]

So recenty I was sitting around a lunch table with a bunch of people I'd just met, playing a faintly odd game of "let's guess everyone's sexual orientation!" (I'm at an all-girls' college, which somehow makes this more acceptable.) Went around pretty straightforwardly for everybody else ("Straight." "Gay." "Straight, but I've tried both." "NO IDEA!") and when it came to me there was a pause. "Hmm," said someone.

And that, of course, pretty much sums it up.

I'm probably too young to be sure about this, but as far as I can tell, I'm just not into it. For me it's not even a matter of "Sex is icky," I just don't look at people and think, "I'd like to have sex with that." I like the idea of sex, and I can imagine doing it with someone I really love and trust, but in my mind that's the point of it - more the trust and the physical closeness than the actual poking and moving. I can look at a person and say, "he/she/that entity right there is beautiful," but my standards aren't at all linked to sexual attractiveness, and in all honesty I think just about everyone is pretty.

I'm a girl, and I have a feeling I'm going to end up married to a guy, but it has much more to do with having a kind of masculine-feminine balance in the relationship than it does with biology.

[Bruce]

I'm probably too young to be sure about this, but as far as I can tell, I'm just not into it. For me it's not even a matter of "Sex is icky," I just don't look at people and think, "I'd like to have sex with that." I like the idea of sex, and I can imagine doing it with someone I really love and trust, but in my mind that's the point of it - more the trust and the physical closeness than the actual poking and moving. I can look at a person and say, "he/she/that entity right there is beautiful," but my standards aren't at all linked to sexual attractiveness, and in all honesty I think just about everyone is pretty.

I'm a girl, and I have a feeling I'm going to end up married to a guy, but it has much more to do with having a kind of masculine-feminine balance in the relationship than it does with biology.

This is very well put and describes my situation well. Just reverse, as I am male.

[functionally_stupid]

Oh, neat. Asexuality.

I'm... well, it's rather a long and convoluted story how I got to be who I am at the moment. Suffice to say, I'm asexual for both 'religious' (Zen Buddhism/bushido/Christian upbringing/etc) reasons, and because I generally lack interest. Complete lack of interest. I do get aroused, I do enjoy hugs and kisses, and I would probably enjoy having sex. However, I'm completely disinterested in it. It's like... sure, getting a professional massage is loads of fun, but it's not something I'm really *interested* in (to the point where I'd think about it on a regular basis), and it's not something I'm going to go out of my way to pursue. To me, arousal is just an annoyance; it makes it difficult to concentrate on doing things I actually enjoy. Masturbation is *pleasant*, I suppose, but it's more of a chore than a leisure activity. Ditto making out. It's just so *boring* - boring like laundry. My mind wanders, my body loses interest, I go off and read a book and then remember - oh, right, I was masturbating, oops, maybe some other time.

Should I ever fall in love with someone, I'd probably *enjoy* the physical act of having sex with them, because sex feels good and the emotional high is supposedly very rewarding. But it would mostly be about *their* enjoyment. (Other people's sex drives are just something I've learned to cope with; due to the way I look, people have attempted to touch me since I was about, say, six years old - my peers, not creepy adults, but that's due to the care taken by my parents more than anything else. It's annoying. In the case of my close friends, I'm willing to tolerate their shenanigans to an extent, but I've learned enough about normal human boundaries to figure out when I should be punching people. Lemme tell ya, it's tough to figure out what normal, appropriate boundaries are when half of the people you meet are waayyyy too touchy-feely. ... tangent. Damn.)

I bake cakes for people I like, because, even though I prefer cookies, they *like* cakes, and baking is fun regardless.

[PatchMonster]

When I saw the this topic, it really struck me, I always figured asexual people just haven't had sex or don't know what they're talking about. I've been confused for sometime about my sexuality, I've dated a few girls but I just don't seem to find attraction physically. So then I assumed I was gay, but this wasn't the case I soon found out... I suppose I might be asexual or have a very low interest in sex.

functionally_stupid summed my story up, this all makes too much sense for it not to fit. I've always been very happy outside of relationships, but I always find it a chore to be in one. I do masturbate but it takes a while, pr0n lately doesn't arouse me, I do it just for the feeling. I'm not repulsed by sexual activity, but I lack a sexual drive I suppose. O well, if I come to the conclusion I'm asexual, I think I'll enjoy the freedom.

Sorry for reviving thread, saw it a while ago and forgot to post in it. I had to check it out.

[Mzyxptlk]

I'm a 21 years old guy and I'm a straight asexual. I'm not particularly disgusted by sex, like some who posted here. It's just.. I dunno, meh. It holds no interest whatsoever. Instead, kissing is the "highest" form of physical intimacy I can think of, with cuddling coming in as a close second.

As far as I can tell, this is not a result of bad experiences in the past, or psychological problems. It's just something that turned out this way. I liked the comparison someone drew between being left handed and being asexual; it fits like a very metaphorical glove. Condom joke, anyone?

I do enjoy masturbating, and I don't think this somehow "disqualifies" me as an asexual. I believe there is a fundamental difference between the purely physical release of masturbation and the additional emotional and psychological experience associated with sex with another person. To illustrate, even masturbation in front of someone I'm romantically involved with is a step too far for me; there is no grey zone.

Asexuality is not something I see as a permanent label either. I could very well imagine meeting a girl in the future and suddenly discovering that I really want to practice making babies with her. I'm not stuck in wanting (or even needing) to be asexual, it's just something I happen to be at the moment.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't a tad worried about my future love life. Despite my lack of interest in sex I definitely am someone who needs romantic love and I think I would be deeply unhappy if I wasn't married or living with someone by the time I'm 30. I just don't know if there are many women out there who could handle a long romantic relationship with an asexual guy, even if they were "allowed" to satisfy their physical needs elsewhere (I'm realistic like that).

I don't think getting children would be a problem. Granted, they'd be a chore to concieve, but it wouldn't disgust me. This is a good thing, because although I don't want children right now, I do want some in the future. On the bright side I don't have to worry about "accidentially" getting a girl pregnant. It's not all bad!

I'll end this with a thanks to the people who've posted here. Although I don't feel the need to belong to some kind of asexuality subculture, it's been an interesting read. Thanks.

[Falmarri]

I'm a 21 years old guy and I'm a straight asexual.

Just curious, but what differentiates a straight asexual with a gay one? I'd just like to know your definition, because for me, it's simply incredibly hard to be attracted to either gender. So I'm not sure how straight or gay come into the equation.

[Mzyxptlk]

I'm a 21 years old guy and I'm a straight asexual.

Just curious, but what differentiates a straight asexual with a gay one? I'd just like to know your definition, because for me, it's simply incredibly hard to be attracted to either gender. So I'm not sure how straight or gay come into the equation.

I fall in love with girls, not boys. I like to kiss girls, not boys. It's pretty simple.

[yukari koizumi]

Postby Jauss on Thu May 24, 2007 9:27 am UTC
One of my housemates identified as asexual and I believe they still do. (Oh the fun of "they" as a singular prounoun!) They used to date and have sexual relations with boys, girls, and others, but then stopped a couple years ago. They appear to be pretty happy with this. They still fall in love and show affection, but without sex or making out or open mouth kisses or any of that stuff. It's interesting. I wouldn't be surprised if it was due to a variety of issues they have, but who knows? People are weird, many things are possible.

Two of my best friends have been together for almost 6 years and married for 4 of them and the girl isn't into sex at all. Kissing and cuddling, but not sex. She engages sometimes for him, but doesn't enjoy it outside of the fact that she likes to make him happy. (He's also allowed to sleep with someone else should he want to if it's someone she approves of.) She's very romantic, but I think she considers herself pretty asexual too.

Maybe she doesn't orgasm and that is why she doesn't enjoy it.


I don't know if I am asexual but, I am not prone to being sexual attracted to anyone really maybe five people in all my life have seemed somewhat attractive... but even if they were attractive to me I did not want to "fuck them" or engage in sexual intercourse with them.

The thing is I am female and I tried being with a woman once, but I didn't really enjoy it.... I know I prefer males yet I don't really want to engage in sexual intercourse with them unless I feel that I really like them alot.... The act of liking someone proves to be difficult for me though so no matter what even if I were this is that I have said no more then yes to sexual intercourse with people.

When I did have intercourse with the two males whom I have allowed myself to try out (for the hell of it) I did not orgasm.... but I did get really sexually aroused with one.... but I did not want to be with them.

I find that I take pleasure sexually with myself and I like it that way... would this make me asexual?

I just don't feel comfortable with people easily putting labels on themselves and then just changing them when it suits them... its like were they really ever commited to being asexual since they were labled as such?

[++$_]

You know what? This thread is seriously like looking in a mirror.

I'm not asexual. At least, I don't consider myself to be. But now I see a whole lot of people who feel the same way as I do posting that they're wondering whether or not they are asexual.

I think the fundamental difference between me and others is that I'm just not as interested in the physical acts of sex. As far as I'm concerned, that does not make me asexual. For me, the first priority is finding someone I like, and after that we can start to worry about the physical details of how we make each other feel good. For me, this would probably be "just cuddling." Cuddling is how I show love. Intercourse is for making babies.

To put this another way, if I'm hypothetically in a romantic relationship with someone, and she calls me up and says she has nothing to do tonight and what do I want to do and she's open to anything, I'd be more likely to say "let's go take a drive into the mountains and get completely lost" or "let's build a catapult" than to say "let's have sex." The first two are fun things to do with each other; the last, to me, is a fun thing we could do with each other's bodies, rather than with each other. Ya know what I'm saying?

This also goes up and down -- there are times when I feel positively horny. This is what masturbation is for, and after I'm done with that, the sex drive completely disappears within seconds and I'm left wondering why I bothered.

On the other hand, many members of my society (who tend to be disproportionately outspoken) first want to have sex, and then worry about whether or not they like the person -- or at least they talk that talk (then they go on to have relationship problems, so I'm not so sure). So people get the impression that there's a very powerful "sex drive" that most people have, specifically directed towards intercourse, making out, oral, or however people fuck around these days.

Is this true, ye actively sexual people? (Not that those people are all that likely to be reading the asexual thread.)

[Falmarri]

I'm a 21 years old guy and I'm a straight asexual.

Just curious, but what differentiates a straight asexual with a gay one? I'd just like to know your definition, because for me, it's simply incredibly hard to be attracted to either gender. So I'm not sure how straight or gay come into the equation.

I fall in love with girls, not boys. I like to kiss girls, not boys. It's pretty simple.

Interesting, how does that make you Asexual then? Isn't that simply a distaste for sex? If you're attracted to one gender or the other, I don't understand how you can define yourself to be asexual? My definition, at least, of asexual is a lack of sexual (be it physical or mental) attraction to either gender.

[TheAmazingRando]

I have a lot in common with Mzyxptlk, though I wouldn't define my situation as asexual. I'm definitely attracted to women, and I've been in relationships in the past (though I'm still a virgin by almost any definition of the word) and, though I'm single now, would happily be in one in the future. I'm no less interested in women and dating than any other straight guys I know. I just don't find the idea of sexual intercourse itself to be particularly sexually stimulating. I see an attractive girl and if my thoughts linger they turn to sitting, talking, cuddling, kissing, and having an intimate relationship, but sex itself isn't really on the agenda. When I've had dreams about girls, it's been many things, but never straight sex. And if I do think of sex, it's the nakedness and the touching and the intimacy, not the penetration, that turns me on. Even when I've been aroused by making out with a girl, it didn't translate as the desire to copulate, it didn't feel like there was sex out there somewhere as a next step, just that it was another possible situation.

It's not that I dislike the idea of sex, or that I dislike sexual pleasure, it just isn't linked in my mind with the physical act of sex. It's almost as though I fetishize intimacy, except that I don't know if it counts as a fetish if it's something so heavily related with intercourse. It isn't that I doubt that I'll have and enjoy sex in the future, I do like the idea of mutual sexual pleasure with a partner, it's just that the act itself doesn't seem like something my mind would automatically jump to. Intercourse sounds sexually pleasing, that's true, but so does masturbation, but I don't get aroused just thinking about the possibility of masturbation. It seems like there must be something more that people see in the physical act of sex that I don't.

Or maybe I'm not different than anybody else, and I just have these incorrect assumptions of how other people think about sex.

[Malice]

On the other hand, many members of my society (who tend to be disproportionately outspoken) first want to have sex, and then worry about whether or not they like the person -- or at least they talk that talk (then they go on to have relationship problems, so I'm not so sure). So people get the impression that there's a very powerful "sex drive" that most people have, specifically directed towards intercourse, making out, oral, or however people fuck around these days.

Is this true, ye actively sexual people? (Not that those people are all that likely to be reading the asexual thread.)

Luckily I happened to glance in. :p

Personally I'd avoid falling into that trap of thinking that just because sex enters the equation, it must therefore dominate or proceed everything else. I very much want to have sex, but I don't want to have sex with somebody I don't like. The thought process probably isn't very different from an asexual one: when I see somebody I like, my thoughts, "Hey, I like this person. Maybe we can hang out, that would be cool. Also, maybe they will have sex with me? We shall see." From reading the past few entries in the thread, it's probably that an asexual person thinks the exact same thing, only instead of "Also, maybe they will hae sex with me?" they think, "Also, maybe they will cuddle with me?" Or something like that.
I can't pretend to speak for everybody, though. There's certainly a group of people who consider sex important enough that they'll have it with somebody who is essentially a stranger, and I'm not in that group.

[Mzyxptlk]

I fall in love with girls, not boys. I like to kiss girls, not boys. It's pretty simple.

Interesting, how does that make you Asexual then? Isn't that simply a distaste for sex? If you're attracted to one gender or the other, I don't understand how you can define yourself to be asexual? My definition, at least, of asexual is a lack of sexual (be it physical or mental) attraction to either gender.

In my opinion, falling in love with someone does not necessarily imply wanting to do nasty, nasty things with your genitals. Some people can have sex without being in love, and some people (including myself) can be in love without wanting to have sex.

That said, as far as I know not every asexual is like that. Some just don't want sex, some don't even fall in love, and there is even a subcategory of people who like sex and fall in love, but for whom the two don't connect (whether or not that last type of person can even be called asexual is controversial at best; I would say 'no' , but that's more an opinion than a statement of fact). What I'm trying to say is, don't use me as a stereotype to compare other asexuals to, they might very well not feel the same way I do.

[Jessica]

Actually, I'm pretty sure that Mzyxptlk isn't alone in this instance. Asexuality really only deals with sexual feelings. One can still have other feelings that are non-sexual. It talks about it in the wikipedia article.

[Falmarri]

Asexuality is a sexual orientation that describes individuals who do not experience sexual attraction.

I take that to mean one is not attracted to either males or females. Therefore "straight asexual" is like saying "straight homosexual" or something.

[natraj]

Asexuality is a sexual orientation that describes individuals who do not experience sexual attraction.

I take that to mean one is not attracted to either males or females. Therefore "straight asexual" is like saying "straight homosexual" or something.

You can have emotional attraction without having sexual attraction. You can have emotional attraction to any or all genders, without having sexual attraction to them. If you have no sexual attraction but desire companionship with [men/women/etc] you could be a straight/gay/bi/etc. asexual. I'm not sure where the problem is.

[The Great Hippo]

You can have emotional attraction without having sexual attraction. You can have emotional attraction to any or all genders, without having sexual attraction to them. If you have no sexual attraction but desire companionship with [men/women/etc] you could be a straight/gay/bi/etc. asexual. I'm not sure where the problem is.

The terminology is confusing. You can be asexual and simultaneously bisexual/heterosexual/homosexual? But I don't think there's a word that means 'attracted to this gender, minus the desire to have sex', so the somewhat confusing terminology will probably have to stand.

[Falmarri]

Asexuality is a sexual orientation that describes individuals who do not experience sexual attraction.

I take that to mean one is not attracted to either males or females. Therefore "straight asexual" is like saying "straight homosexual" or something.

You can have emotional attraction without having sexual attraction. You can have emotional attraction to any or all genders, without having sexual attraction to them. If you have no sexual attraction but desire companionship with [men/women/etc] you could be a straight/gay/bi/etc. asexual. I'm not sure where the problem is.

So how is that being heterosexual. That's simply preferring the companionship of a woman imo.

[Malice]

You can have emotional attraction without having sexual attraction. You can have emotional attraction to any or all genders, without having sexual attraction to them. If you have no sexual attraction but desire companionship with [men/women/etc] you could be a straight/gay/bi/etc. asexual. I'm not sure where the problem is.

The terminology is confusing. You can be asexual and simultaneously bisexual/heterosexual/homosexual? But I don't think there's a word that means 'attracted to this gender, minus the desire to have sex', so the somewhat confusing terminology will probably have to stand.

I'd suggest "heteroamorous", "homoamorous" and "biamorous". Even if you don't care about sex, you can still care about who you fall in love with.

[Falmarri]

You can have emotional attraction without having sexual attraction. You can have emotional attraction to any or all genders, without having sexual attraction to them. If you have no sexual attraction but desire companionship with [men/women/etc] you could be a straight/gay/bi/etc. asexual. I'm not sure where the problem is.

The terminology is confusing. You can be asexual and simultaneously bisexual/heterosexual/homosexual? But I don't think there's a word that means 'attracted to this gender, minus the desire to have sex', so the somewhat confusing terminology will probably have to stand.

Even if you don't care about sex, you can still care about who you fall in love with.

But then how is that being asexual?

I guess we have different definitions. <whatever>sexual means you're attracted to that gender, not necessarily want to have sex with them. If you're asexual, you're attracted to none of those.

If you think that asexual just applies to sex, what would you call someone who's not attracted to either gender?

[The Great Hippo]

But then how is that being asexual?

It's very feasible to love someone--in a 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you' sort of way--even raise children with this person--and not have any interest whatsoever in making whoopie.

It's just as feasible that, for one reason or another, you would only be interested in doing this with a person who either shares your gender or doesn't.

[Mzyxptlk]

Asexuality is a sexual orientation that describes individuals who do not experience sexual attraction.

I take that to mean one is not attracted to either males or females. Therefore "straight asexual" is like saying "straight homosexual" or something.

I'm pretty sure that quoting the first line of a wikipedia article is a great way to get the wrong impression about something.

Asexuals may experience romantic attraction, or the desire for, fantasy of, or propensity towards romantic love, often directed at people of genders falling within an affectional orientation. Many asexuals also identify as straight, gay, or bi, using the terms in a strictly affectional sense, or alternatively as hetero-, homo-, or bi-romantic.

That said, I made a conscious choice use straight, rather than heterosexual, because in this context, I believe there's a subtle difference between thetwo (namely, the "sexual" part). I agree that saying you're a heterosexual asexual sounds a bit strange, and will probably end up confusing a lot of people.

So how is that being heterosexual. That's simply preferring the companionship of a woman imo.

I disagree. I have friends, and I've fallen in love. The sensation is very different.

[Falmarri]

Ok, so if that is the agreed upon definition of asexual, what do you use to refer to someone who's not sexually or romantically interested in either gender?

[Mzyxptlk]

Ok, so if that is the agreed upon definition of asexual, what do you use to refer to someone who's not sexually or romantically interested in either gender?

Honestly? No idea. I'd say it's just a sub-type of asexuality. Aromantic would perhaps be a good term.

[Bruce]

To confuse the matter further, what about either gender, but not sex? If you go with gay/straight instead of homosexual/bisexual, where does that leave bisexual without the sex?

[Mzyxptlk]

To confuse the matter further, what about either gender, but not sex? If you go with gay/straight instead of homosexual/bisexual, where does that leave bisexual without the sex?

Biromantic maybe. I think we'll just have to get over the fact that not every word with sex in has anything to do with the whole bodily juices thing.

[Falmarri]

I just don't understand how you can be asexual and still be attracted to a girl, for example. That would simply make you a heterosexual who doesn't like sex. I can draw you a venn diagram if you'd like. Homosexuality, heterosexuality are mutually exclusive. Bisexuality is where the two circles meet. And asexuality is mutually exclusive with both homosexuality and heterosexuality.