xkcd

by **benbw** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 10:23 pm UTC

While working on free-body diagrams:
Random Person: Gravity goes up, right?

by **Mr. Beck** » Thu Oct 02, 2008 1:33 am UTC

Teacher: Do I really have to explain the difference between connotation and denotation again?
Confused Student: Yeah.
Teacher: OK, so my seniors are reading a poem called "The Emperor of Ice Cream". What does "Emperor" mean, literally?
Confused Student: Like, king?
Teacher: Yeah. So, what's "Ice Cream"?
Other Student: Awesome!

by **Cynical Idealist** » Thu Oct 02, 2008 3:25 am UTC

"Lead paint!"
*cue about two minutes of laughter while the teacher pauses the video*

Figure out the context for yourself.

Spoiler:

by **Goatmancer** » Sat Oct 04, 2008 11:54 pm UTC

Givenup wrote:This is the best one so far. The Agg science teacher got mad at a partner of mine for stealing hated software in school, and now for stealing his ID software near the end of the day.
(anti-homosexual rules at a new highschool) but my friend gets up out of his seat grabs his books and says "Take a piece out of a girl scout."
Hey, got wrote up and the teacher put in the note that he got called a girl scout...My friend got a warning.

That's the interpretation that I decided to stick with.

by **Cynical Idealist** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:09 am UTC

Here's a few from a recent class discussion:
(talking about the uranium rush)
"Look at all this uranium! We're just rolling in it! except not literally, that would be bad."
(during a discussion on the subject of games being a way to educate children about fission)
"Well, sometimes, when a neutron and a nucleus love each other very much..."

by **Monika** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 9:07 am UTC

Pa-Patch wrote:Keeping in mind that this was in grade 10 history, and 3/4 of the way through the semester, and from a girl who manages to get good grades (a testament to why grades don't measure intelligence)

"Wait, didn't the Germans win WW2?"

Gee Willikers and I thought the one asking "Wait, Germany was divided?" when I mentioned the reunification was bad. (A British woman by the way.)

by **Wieber** » Wed Oct 08, 2008 4:37 am UTC

I was in a bathroom before an evening class and I overheard two guys at the sinks talking about the cleanliness of bathrooms, specifically sink faucets and door handles. The one guy was giving off the impression that it was always better to wash your hands, but his friend was explaining how it can sometimes be more sanitary to not wash your hands because of all the germs left on fixtures and handles by other people, and as an afterthought added "unless you pissed on your hands" to which the first guy replied, either to end the conversation or because this actually happened, "Well, in that case I pissed on my hands."

by **turnip** » Wed Oct 08, 2008 9:37 pm UTC

Stupid boy (jokingly): But Cassie, girls can't do math. They're just stupider at it.
Cassie (who is actually really good at math): Suck my dick.

by **HarleyQuinn** » Wed Oct 08, 2008 9:59 pm UTC

I'm largely against school, I think its all repetitiveness; but that's not the point, just insight.
In math class, we were debating how to apply the lesson to the fairly simple world problems.

"We've done this before, its easy, its all easy. They just said it a harder way is all..."

by **ST47** » Wed Oct 08, 2008 10:26 pm UTC

Physics class:
Following a discussion on this sort of thing
Teacher: So, if you had a hole which went through the center of the earth and stepped in, would you come out the other side?
Student: No.
Teacher: You'd have to climb out.
Me: Except you'd probably be dead.
Student: What about that stuff?
Teacher: What stuff?
Student: The mantle-juice? How would you make a hole through that?
Teacher: Here, we call that lava. And you're the one who suggested drilling a hole through the center of the earth, it's your job to deal with that problem.
So, our homework is to, assuming the earth has constant density and is perfectly spherical, determine how far we would have to climb and how long it would take from stepping into the hole to coming to a stop on the other side.

Same class, discussing the difference between projectile motion, free fall, and rockets.
Teacher: So, if I dropped a water balloon out the window on the person coming out the door, they would feel what?
Student: A projectile!
Teacher: Well, they'd probably feel wet. But yes, the water balloon is a projectile.
Student: What if we strapped a rocket to it?
Teacher: If I dropped a rocket-propelled water balloon? I'd probably get arrested. The person it fell on would probably feel less wet and more dead.

"So, if you have astronauts inside a golf ball..." - we were discussing projectile motion and somehow got sidetracked to weightlessness.

by **Krakatoa** » Fri Oct 10, 2008 11:16 am UTC

Ahh, just remembered another one, this time from Junior High 'Enrichment' class...:

Student: "I remember seeing a book on one of my teacher's desks entitled "How to Teach Gifted Students". I guess it could help, but it looked like a picture book,"

That was hilarious back in the day...

I take this class now. You wouldn't happened to have gone to MSHS, would you?

EDIT: This is Student Quotes, not Teacher Quotes...

(this year)
Teacher: "Today is September Eleventh, and in America people are having a minute of silence for those who died during the events of 9/11..."
Dumb Student: "What's Nine Eleven?"

Teacher: "Dylan, if you don't stop talking in class then I'm going to have to give you a detention."
Me: (with hands over heart and throat, roughly quoting Harlan Coben) "Oh. Gasp. Shock. Terror. Second gasp."

(this one was three years ago)
Previously in the day, we were talking about ways to do something (can't remember what), and someone said "just throw a melon at it!", which makes this funny:

Teacher: "Does anyone know how a bee can fertilise a flower? It might be something you feel uncomfortable saying."
Student: "Melons?"

by **HarleyQuinn** » Fri Oct 10, 2008 9:43 pm UTC

Health class after a lecture on drugs/steroids.

Me: "See, this is why you don't do steroids. Some things get bigger, but other things get smaller..."

by **Hit3k** » Sat Oct 11, 2008 2:30 am UTC

This was in a year 10 maths class

Ignorant Student wrote:How do I divide by 10?

I've never let him live it down.

by **clintonius** » Sun Oct 12, 2008 3:15 am UTC

Willy, in 10th grade geography: Mr. Swanson, is there a land bridge between the US and Alaska?
*five solid minutes of uproarius laughter*
Mr. Swanson: Yes, Willy. We call it "Canada."
*more laughter*
Willy: dangit, no, that's not what I meant! I meant is there a land bridge between the US and Hawaii?
*heads kersplode*

by **vanyali** » Sun Oct 12, 2008 3:47 am UTC

A few classic ones from my school (it's a very geeky magnet school):

Biology Teacher: *walking through a chattering class, very quietly* Sex.
Class: *keeps talking, does not notice*
Biology Teacher: *still very quietly* Extra credit.
Class: *perks up* Did you say extra credit? What?
Biology Teacher: From a biological standpoint, that's just WRONG.

---

// In AP Physics, the teacher and a student are arguing about something...
Dr. Dell: I bet mine is longer than yours!
// He starts to unbuckle his belt
Students: !!!!!!!
Dr. Dell: Mine is 44 inches.
// He pulls out his belt and shows everyone

---

Student: Mr. Richardson... does the big red "BS" written on my paper mean bullshit?
Mr. R: It means Be Specific.
Student: Oh ok!
Mr. R: Also, it means bullshit.

by **Krakatoa** » Sun Oct 12, 2008 4:26 am UTC

Biology Teacher: *walking through a chattering class, very quietly* Sex.
Class: *keeps talking, does not notice*
Biology Teacher: *still very quietly* Extra credit.
Class: *perks up* Did you say extra credit? What?
Biology Teacher: From a biological standpoint, that's just WRONG.

I lol'd.

by **Nichwuzhere** » Sun Oct 12, 2008 5:11 am UTC

This was in one of those SAFE classes where the cop comes in and talks to your class.

Cop "I either wanted to become a police officer or a fighter pilot. I wanted to be a fighter pilot because the movie Top Gun was big when I was young. I loved watching them do all kinds of loops and barrel rolls and such."

Me and 3 friends at the same time "DO A BARREL ROLL!"

Yes, there was a meme reference in my class that day.

by **Mr. Beck** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 3:31 am UTC

Krakatoa wrote:
Biology Teacher: *walking through a chattering class, very quietly* Sex.
Class: *keeps talking, does not notice*
Biology Teacher: *still very quietly* Extra credit.
Class: *perks up* Did you say extra credit? What?
Biology Teacher: From a biological standpoint, that's just WRONG.

I lol'd.

Me too. I'm still giggling, in fact.

by **Monika** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 11:37 am UTC

clintonius wrote:Willy, in 10th grade geography: Mr. Swanson, is there a land bridge between the US and Alaska?
*five solid minutes of uproarius laughter*
Mr. Swanson: Yes, Willy. We call it "Canada."
*more laughter*
Willy: dangit, no, that's not what I meant! I meant is there a land bridge between the US and Hawaii?
*heads kersplode*

Maps have been outlawed in the US some decades ago, riiight?

by **l33t_sas** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 11:58 am UTC

Keep in mind that my class is part of an 'Accelerated' Program...

In geography, discussing Antarctica, the teacher mention that it has no permanent inhabitants.

Girl: Wait a minute, aren't there Eskimos in Antarctica

I was the only person who started laughing out loud and the girl told me I was being mean and the TEACHER told me that it was "a completely legitimate question"

This is the only incident I can remember, but that same girl has said so much stupid crap, I have no idea how she got into the AP class.

And there was this other time I was talking to a girl in the library, also part of the AP class but a year below me. I'd heard of people that had absoloutely no knowledge of geography but I had never fully believed it. She said that the ocean which Peru has a coast on was "The Peru Ocean", that the capital of Russia was "Russia" and that the capital of Australia was Sydney (which might not sound that bad except for the fact that we LIVE in Australia)

by **boothroyd917** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 12:31 pm UTC

I had an AP Human Geography teacher who was probably the most amazing teacher I ever had. Anyway, he always liked to go off on tangents and tell us completely random stories. One day, a girl in our class made a completely retarded remark (I forget what it was), but he began to tell us a funny story about his daughter's college geography class:

Teacher: What is the biggest country in the world?
Girl: Africa.
*Class bursts out laughing*
Girl: I don't get it. What's so funny? :shock:

by **pkuky** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 1:22 pm UTC

similar story, when I lived in Canada:
teacher: "Africa is not a single country".
kid: "wait, I heard we were the second largest country in the world, after africa. does that mean that now we're the biggest?"
teacher: "no, Russia is bigger".

to be fair, it was in first or second grade.

by **Monika** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 5:10 pm UTC

l33t_sas wrote:aren't there Eskimos in Antarctica ... the TEACHER told me that it was "a completely legitimate question"

... for a fourth-grader.

(9-year-old child, for those in countries that do not start first grade at age 6).

the ocean which Peru has a coast on was "The Peru Ocean"

Waaah!

that the capital of Russia was "Russia"

The pain!

that the capital of Australia was Sydney

Well that's not so bad, lots of people think that either Sydney or Melbourne is ...

we LIVE in Australia

... okay, forget what I said.

by **boothroyd917** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 9:07 pm UTC

pkuky wrote:to be fair, it was in first or second grade.

Yeah, this was in a freshman college geography class :roll:

by **Synthuir** » Mon Oct 13, 2008 10:05 pm UTC

Krakatoa wrote:
Ahh, just remembered another one, this time from Junior High 'Enrichment' class...:

Student: "I remember seeing a book on one of my teacher's desks entitled "How to Teach Gifted Students". I guess it could help, but it looked like a picture book,"

That was hilarious back in the day...

I take this class now. You wouldn't happened to have gone to MSHS, would you?

Nope.

boothroyd917 wrote:I had an AP Human Geography teacher who was probably the most amazing teacher I ever had. Anyway, he always liked to go off on tangents and tell us completely random stories. One day, a girl in our class made a completely retarded remark (I forget what it was), but he began to tell us a funny story about his daughter's college geography class:

I'm fairly sure we're talking about the same class, however

by **Resilient** » Tue Oct 14, 2008 2:13 am UTC

Monika wrote:
clintonius wrote:Willy, in 10th grade geography: Mr. Swanson, is there a land bridge between the US and Alaska?
*five solid minutes of uproarius laughter*
Mr. Swanson: Yes, Willy. We call it "Canada."
*more laughter*
Willy: dangit, no, that's not what I meant! I meant is there a land bridge between the US and Hawaii?
*heads kersplode*

Maps have been outlawed in the US some decades ago, riiight?

Like such as in South Africa and The Iraq.

by **Krakatoa** » Tue Oct 14, 2008 8:38 am UTC

This one today;

Myself, a girl and a boy were filming a comedy sketch.

Teacher: Alright, if someone asks what you're doing in here, just say -
Student: Someone has to supply the underage porn industry!

by **studyinserendipity** » Thu Oct 16, 2008 12:14 am UTC

At recess today, I came across one of the first graders chasing after another one, crying hysterically.
Me: Billy, what's wrong?
Billy: I NEED TO TALK TO MATT!!! BUT HE WON'T STOP RUNNING AWAY!!!! (sobs)
{I see Matt, and flag him down}: Matt, Billy actually wants to ask you something, not play chase.
Matt: Oh. What is it?
Billy: Who are your parents voting for, Obama or McCain?

As if this wasn't enough to make me laugh, when Matt replied he didn't know, Billy responded, "Oh, that means you're an independent."

by **i_ll_winn** » Mon Oct 20, 2008 8:54 pm UTC

Someone in my class.
"If you press the 3 button(referring to a calculator) the right way it will say something else."
"I don't get it, it is not working." While pressing the 3 button furiously.

by **Seda** » Mon Oct 20, 2008 11:59 pm UTC

"Canada is America's hat, and Mexico is its codpiece."

Drew many laughs in our history class.

by **Alpha Omicron** » Tue Oct 21, 2008 12:04 pm UTC

Seda wrote:"Canada is America's hat, and Mexico is its codpiece."

Drew many laughs in our history class.

America wears a hat larger than itself?

by **Monika** » Tue Oct 21, 2008 2:44 pm UTC

i_ll_winn wrote:Someone in my class.
"If you press the 3 button(referring to a calculator) the right way it will say something else."
"I don't get it, it is not working." While pressing the 3 button furiously.

IDGI.

by **i_ll_winn** » Tue Oct 21, 2008 10:06 pm UTC

Monika wrote:
i_ll_winn wrote:Someone in my class.
"If you press the 3 button(referring to a calculator) the right way it will say something else."
"I don't get it, it is not working." While pressing the 3 button furiously.

IDGI.

Seriously?
Edit: I have a great quote for today.
Teacher "What do you think student 1(not me)?"
Me "Not much."
Teacher "That's not a very nice thing to say."
My friend "I'm not surprised."

by **Djabanete** » Wed Oct 22, 2008 2:16 am UTC

Before the third exam of my Electromagnetism class, a student asked if Ohm's Law would be on the test.

Our professor just stared at him for about 10 seconds.

by **TheMagicalTurtle** » Wed Oct 22, 2008 4:17 am UTC

Alpha Omicron wrote:
Seda wrote:"Canada is America's hat, and Mexico is its codpiece."

Drew many laughs in our history class.

America wears a hat larger than itself?

Somewhat ironically, Canada is an oversized Sombrero.

by **pkuky** » Wed Oct 22, 2008 9:12 am UTC

Monika wrote:
i_ll_winn wrote:Someone in my class.
"If you press the 3 button(referring to a calculator) the right way it will say something else."
"I don't get it, it is not working." While pressing the 3 button furiously.

IDGI.

me too.

by **incompetentia** » Wed Oct 22, 2008 9:34 am UTC

This was in a polisci class that I'm taking; it's about the political/social impact on war and warfare, and their transformation over the last few hundred years. It's supposed to be primarily an upper-level undergrad class with several prerequisites and all - I snuck in somehow to take it as an elective.

Professor: Okay, we've outlined the transformation of the wars being fought between the early 20th century and the wars that are fought, but also not fought, and its general political consequences. What would the social consequences be?
Student: Well, war is bad because it kills people, right?

by **Durin** » Wed Oct 22, 2008 9:02 pm UTC

In chemistry class.

Back Story. This kid needed someone in the class for a video project. Teacher said okay for ten minutes, and he took a little bit over.

Teacher: You're late.
Eric: Yeah Yeah. You should just castrate me.
Teacher: *laughing* Okay then.
Me: The scary thing here is how quickly he suggested castration.

by **pkuky** » Wed Oct 22, 2008 9:28 pm UTC

astrophysics class:
teacher: so if the sun gains energy only from gravity, it would imply it started to burn only about 250 million years ago.
me: that makes sense, it started burning and killed all the dinosaurs.

by **roc314** » Wed Oct 22, 2008 10:44 pm UTC

From the college chemistry class I took during my high school senior year:

The teacher had been writing on the board about how to write different isotopes. Specifically, the example she had used was ³⁴Cl. She then asked how many neutrons it had. Writing on the board again, "34-17=17".

Student: "I know where they got the 34 from, but where'd the 17 come from?" (We had just been talking about how it was not necessary to write atomic number when you were writing it out, but it was allowed. The example then was ³⁴₁₇Cl.)

This became a meme among my friends and me in that class.

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