For the Discussion of Raptors/Zombies/Jedi/Bears

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For the Discussion of Raptors/Zombies/Jedi/Bears

Postby Nyarlathotep » Tue Jun 12, 2007 9:47 pm UTC

We finally have an answer.


This thread is no longer for the discussion of zombies vs. raptors, but for the discussion of zombies or raptors seperately or you can still even discuss zombies vs. raptors but please for the love of god stop making new posts about zombies and Raptors. Please.
'Gehȳrst þū, sǣlida, hwæt þis folc segeð?
hī willað ēow tō gafole gāras syllan,
ǣttrynne ord and ealde swurd,
þā heregeatu þe ēow æt hilde ne dēah.

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Postby bbctol » Tue Jun 12, 2007 9:49 pm UTC

But what about...

ZOMBIE RAPTORS

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Postby Belial » Tue Jun 12, 2007 9:49 pm UTC

I KNEW IT
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Postby Nyarlathotep » Tue Jun 12, 2007 9:50 pm UTC

bbctol wrote:But what about...

ZOMBIE RAPTORS


Idiot, don't break the universe.

*e* Also, if raptors are immune to zombies, clearly, it is impossible for there to be zombie raptors. QED.
'Gehȳrst þū, sǣlida, hwæt þis folc segeð?
hī willað ēow tō gafole gāras syllan,
ǣttrynne ord and ealde swurd,
þā heregeatu þe ēow æt hilde ne dēah.

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Postby shadebug » Tue Jun 12, 2007 9:53 pm UTC

since when was this ever an issue? Everybody knows that the only threat to raptors is polar bears and bizarro raptors, that's why polar bears live in the cold and raptors in the hot and bizarro raptors in another dimension.
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Postby Nyarlathotep » Tue Jun 12, 2007 9:55 pm UTC

shadebug wrote:since when was this ever an issue? Everybody knows that the only threat to raptors is polar bears and bizarro raptors, that's why polar bears live in the cold and raptors in the hot and bizarro raptors in another dimension.


Not just any polar bears.

Armored bears.
'Gehȳrst þū, sǣlida, hwæt þis folc segeð?
hī willað ēow tō gafole gāras syllan,
ǣttrynne ord and ealde swurd,
þā heregeatu þe ēow æt hilde ne dēah.

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Postby bbctol » Tue Jun 12, 2007 9:55 pm UTC

True. I wonder who would win:
Raptor
Zombie Raptor
Bizzaro Raptor
Super Robot Jesus Chthulhu Transformer Raptor
Belial a completely non-raptor
An ordinary polar bear
IOREK BYRNISON

hm.....

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Postby Nyarlathotep » Tue Jun 12, 2007 9:57 pm UTC

bbctol wrote:IOREK BYRNISON
'Gehȳrst þū, sǣlida, hwæt þis folc segeð?
hī willað ēow tō gafole gāras syllan,
ǣttrynne ord and ealde swurd,
þā heregeatu þe ēow æt hilde ne dēah.

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Postby Belial » Tue Jun 12, 2007 9:58 pm UTC

yeah, Nyarl has it right.
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Postby Phenriz » Tue Jun 12, 2007 9:58 pm UTC

You forgot Bear Grylls in that lineup.

that said i think the tre fight would be between:

Bizzaro Raptor
and
Super Robot Jesus Chthulhu Transformer Raptor
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Postby Belial » Tue Jun 12, 2007 9:59 pm UTC

Phenriz wrote:You forgot Bear Grylls in that lineup.

that said i think the tre fight would be between:

Bizzaro Raptor
and
Super Robot Jesus Chthulhu Transformer Raptor


Nah. Real version always beats Bizarro version, in the end.

And named characters beat out non-named characters of the same type.

And giant fuckall armored bears who are also named win every time.
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Postby Phenriz » Tue Jun 12, 2007 10:01 pm UTC

touche indeed.....indeed
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Postby bbctol » Tue Jun 12, 2007 10:01 pm UTC

What if you create...

NAMED MAIN CHARACTER JEDI ROBOT CTHULHU JESUS PANSERBJORNE ZOMBIE RAPTOR!

Or am I reaching?

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Postby Nyarlathotep » Tue Jun 12, 2007 10:02 pm UTC

Iorek would not only destroy everything on that list, he would eat the raptor, the normal polar bear, and Belial, he would use the zombie raptor and bizzaro raptor to make leather, and then he'd turn the Super Robot Jeuss Chtulhu Transformer Raptor into new armor, which he'd tie with the leathers.

*e* I dunno, I think Iorek would still win, by virtue of being Iorek, and like... bear jesus.
Last edited by Nyarlathotep on Tue Jun 12, 2007 10:06 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.
'Gehȳrst þū, sǣlida, hwæt þis folc segeð?
hī willað ēow tō gafole gāras syllan,
ǣttrynne ord and ealde swurd,
þā heregeatu þe ēow æt hilde ne dēah.

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Postby shadebug » Tue Jun 12, 2007 10:06 pm UTC

I said polar bears were a threat to raptors, armored polar bears are beyond a threat, they're an attack
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Postby Aglet » Tue Jun 12, 2007 10:49 pm UTC

Ah, but raptors live in the Antarctic, while polar bears live in the Arctic. Case closed.
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Postby Belial » Tue Jun 12, 2007 11:28 pm UTC

Nyarlathotep wrote:Iorek would not only destroy everything on that list, he would eat the raptor, the normal polar bear, and Belial,


Give me some credit. I think I'd have the good sense to be moving as fast and as far away from that confrontation as possible.
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Postby Xial » Tue Jun 12, 2007 11:36 pm UTC

But what about if MacGyver had to fight raptors?

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Postby Princess Marzipan » Tue Jun 12, 2007 11:48 pm UTC

Xial wrote:But what about if MacGyver had to fight raptors?


Does he have duct tape?
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Postby Xial » Tue Jun 12, 2007 11:50 pm UTC

Yes and a paper clip.

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Postby Princess Marzipan » Wed Jun 13, 2007 12:47 am UTC

Xial wrote:Yes and a paper clip.


AND a paper clip!?

Dude, MacGyver wins.
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Postby bbctol » Wed Jun 13, 2007 1:44 am UTC

But none of the above are a match for...

IOREK BYRNISON PLUSHIE!

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Postby Nyarlathotep » Wed Jun 13, 2007 3:04 am UTC

Belial wrote:
Nyarlathotep wrote:Iorek would not only destroy everything on that list, he would eat the raptor, the normal polar bear, and Belial,


Give me some credit. I think I'd have the good sense to be moving as fast and as far away from that confrontation as possible.


Ok. So you'd survive by virtue of fleeing.

and dear god, I want that plushie.
'Gehȳrst þū, sǣlida, hwæt þis folc segeð?
hī willað ēow tō gafole gāras syllan,
ǣttrynne ord and ealde swurd,
þā heregeatu þe ēow æt hilde ne dēah.

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Postby Marbas » Wed Jun 13, 2007 3:14 am UTC

But none of the above are a match for...

IOREK BYRNISON PLUSHIE!


Was I the only one who's first thought was polar bear bondage when they saw that?

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Postby Alcari » Wed Jun 13, 2007 8:26 am UTC

yes, the rest was us was thinking "MUST HAVE!"

Also, where do sharks with frikkin' lazer beams attached to their heads factor in to all of this?
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Postby screech » Wed Jun 13, 2007 10:58 am UTC

But what if you somehow fused an armoured bear with a raptor?

What would happen then?
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Postby anotherangel » Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:09 am UTC

You'd never get the chance to fuse the two. The raptor would take you down if the amoured bear hadn't already.

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Postby Toeofdoom » Wed Jun 13, 2007 1:15 pm UTC

Okay, what about soong-class android raptors? the versions without emotion chips, obviously...

nah. armoured bears still kick ass...

So... where start the armourd bear raptor zombie vampire pirate ninja crossbreeds? We would ofcourse start by fusing the least formidable, ie, zombie pirate ninja and vampire and then get them to catch the raptor, then once they fuse, use them to help hold the bear in place just long enough to add that in.


Then.... set it loose in the whitehouse or something. And run to the nearest rocket flying to the moon just to be safe.
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Postby Castaway » Thu Jun 14, 2007 3:12 am UTC

1. Get zombie
2. Get raptor
3. make zombie bite raptor
4. ?????
5. PROFIT!
You've just lost twenty dollars and my self respect.

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Postby Belial » Thu Jun 14, 2007 3:16 am UTC

Castaway wrote:1. Get zombie
2. Get raptor
3. make zombie bite raptor
4. ?????
5. PROFIT!


See the comic that started this thread. The raptor will just be angry.
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Postby Castaway » Thu Jun 14, 2007 3:20 am UTC

I'll bet that's what George Romero dreams of this shit.
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Postby |333173|3|_||3 » Thu Jun 14, 2007 7:17 am UTC

Iorek Byrnison has a hot air baloon at the start,s o couldn't he mod the propane burnet into a flame thower. THe armour would protect him against the raptors claws, and setting a zombie on fire would severely limit the amount of damage it could do to you, armour or no armour. Then Iorek can simply punch the burning raptors and drown them under the ice.
McGyver could beat Iorek, since he can beat anyone, but he wouldn't because Iorek is a good guy. Iorek could beat a pirate over close range, because of his strength and armour, and he can use his modifed burner as mentioned above. A ninja could beat Iorek because he is slow adn less able to dodge away, and his armour is ineffective agaisnt a well-placed throwing star. A jedi could beat Iorek, beacause even if he restricted himself to a lightsabre, he could still cut straight through Iorek's armour, since a lightsabre is only stopped by another lightsaber.

A pirate in his ship could beat Iorek, beacue his connons could fire a very long way, and pound Iorek into a pulp long before he got nea the ship. they might have problems if he used a hot air baloon, since then they would need to fire chain shot into it to rip it to shreds. Sharks with frigging LASER beams attached to their heads would be somewhat irrelevant if everyone was on land.

On topic: a raptor could maul a zombie, adn rip it to shreds, and scatter the shreds around the place, but depending on your model of zombie, it could keep on getting back up and reassembling itself. owever, a zombie could not actually harm a raptor, owing to the raptor's thick scaly hide and ferocious attacking strength.


What I want to see is a one-on-one duel between mcGyiver and the devil.
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Postby Maseiken » Thu Jun 14, 2007 8:57 am UTC

I laughed so hard when I read that comic.

My ultimate dilemma is Spidey/Wolvie from Marvel fame.

I can't imagine who would win... it's just beyond me...
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Postby Nyarlathotep » Thu Jun 14, 2007 7:00 pm UTC

|333173|3|_||3 wrote:Iorek Byrnison has a hot air baloon at the start,s o couldn't he mod the propane burnet into a flame thower. THe armour would protect him against the raptors claws, and setting a zombie on fire would severely limit the amount of damage it could do to you, armour or no armour. Then Iorek can simply punch the burning raptors and drown them under the ice.
McGyver could beat Iorek, since he can beat anyone, but he wouldn't because Iorek is a good guy. Iorek could beat a pirate over close range, because of his strength and armour, and he can use his modifed burner as mentioned above. A ninja could beat Iorek because he is slow adn less able to dodge away, and his armour is ineffective agaisnt a well-placed throwing star. A jedi could beat Iorek, beacause even if he restricted himself to a lightsabre, he could still cut straight through Iorek's armour, since a lightsabre is only stopped by another lightsaber.

A pirate in his ship could beat Iorek, beacue his connons could fire a very long way, and pound Iorek into a pulp long before he got nea the ship. they might have problems if he used a hot air baloon, since then they would need to fire chain shot into it to rip it to shreds. Sharks with frigging LASER beams attached to their heads would be somewhat irrelevant if everyone was on land.

On topic: a raptor could maul a zombie, adn rip it to shreds, and scatter the shreds around the place, but depending on your model of zombie, it could keep on getting back up and reassembling itself. owever, a zombie could not actually harm a raptor, owing to the raptor's thick scaly hide and ferocious attacking strength.


What I want to see is a one-on-one duel between mcGyiver and the devil.


Iorek is very, very fast. He's just fast in the way a freight train is. As someone who knows several ninjas (no, really, I swear I do), I would say that the ninja's advantage is in their agility rather than raw speed (Iorek is fast, he just can't change direction very quickly.)

The problem is that depsite popular belief, ninjas do not deal that much damage - they are highly reliant on speed and agility. Really, any ninja with sense (ie, every ninja) would run the fuck away and get a freaking rocket launcher. In the end, the ninja would win, but only becuasue Iorek can only take so many hits from a rocket launcher.

If the pirate was using old school cannons, the balls would totally bounce off Iorek's armor, at which point Iorek would punch a hole in the boat. ... or something

(I can be ridiculous if I want!!!)

I'll give you the Jedi one. Lightsabres are pretty unfair that way. Even so, I think Iorek would give the guy a fight before going down.

Also agreed on MacGuyver - they'd just go hang out together.

Finally, I think Iorek could beat Bruce Schneier, becuase my philosophy professor can*

*this was an amusing dinner conversation in which we decided that becuase Dr Bradley was just so unbelievably cool (he is honestly the coolest man on the planet, I think), that he would prove that Bruce Schneier didn't exist, and becuase his argument would be just that convincing, the universe would agree, and Bruce Schneier would cease to exist.

He could do the same to Iorek. If he did so before Iorek got to him. And Dr Bradley is pretty good, so...
'Gehȳrst þū, sǣlida, hwæt þis folc segeð?
hī willað ēow tō gafole gāras syllan,
ǣttrynne ord and ealde swurd,
þā heregeatu þe ēow æt hilde ne dēah.

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Postby Belial » Thu Jun 14, 2007 9:24 pm UTC

A ninja could beat Iorek because he is slow adn less able to dodge away, and his armour is ineffective agaisnt a well-placed throwing star.


The reasons nyarl stated above for why this is untrue are quite valid. let me also add: A throwing star is not going to do anything to a bear, no matter how well placed. You can shoot a grizzly (which is, for those playing at home, *smaller* than a polar bear) 5 or 6 times with a decently powered rifle and it will still charge up and murder you. A "well-placed throwing star" will be like a hangnail.

A pirate in his ship could beat Iorek, beacue his connons could fire a very long way, and pound Iorek into a pulp long before he got nea the ship.


Polar bears swim. Targets underwater are rather hard to hit with a 17th century cannon.

And then he's on your ship, killing your dudes.

A jedi could beat Iorek, beacause even if he restricted himself to a lightsabre, he could still cut straight through Iorek's armour, since a lightsabre is only stopped by another lightsaber.


True, lightsabers are pretty hot. Iorek's armor was pretty thick, though, and those blast doors *did* slow Qui-Gonn's lightsaber down*. I think you'd need more than just a casual slice to cut through. And while I think Iorek could take a couple hits from a lightsaber without much trouble (unless it goes deep, it's only cutting fat, and lightsabers cauterize wounds so they don't bleed), I don't think a jedi could take very many hits from an angry bear before he started to have problems with his head not being attached to his body anymore.

Still, that fight could go either way.

*In D20 terms, lightsabers just ignore item hardness, and deal damage directly to the item's hitpoints. If the item has more hitpoints than the lightsaber can deal in one round, it takes more than one strike or more than one round to cut through.

I think Iorek's armor plates were 2 or 3 inches thick, and 2 or 3 inches of iron has...60 hitpoints, minimum. A 15th level jedi can do 4d8 damage with a lightsaber, plus his strength mod (let's say he used the force to enhance his strength, and is currently rocking a +5 modifier) so, on average, will be doing 21 points of damage per attack. Let's assume, of his three attacks per round, 2 of them hit. That's 42 damage. He is not getting through that armor in one round.**

**Yes I just fucking calculated this. Do you want to fight about it?
Last edited by Belial on Thu Jun 14, 2007 9:33 pm UTC, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby Marten (the great) » Thu Jun 14, 2007 9:25 pm UTC

but what about Dinobot? or transmetal Dinobot? The first one's a fuckin' hero, and the second one's armour is better than Iorek's. plus, laser eye(s).

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Postby bbctol » Thu Jun 14, 2007 9:33 pm UTC

|333173|3|_||3 wrote:A jedi could beat Iorek, beacause even if he restricted himself to a lightsabre, he could still cut straight through Iorek's armour, since a lightsabre is only stopped by another lightsaber.


Pff. Everyone knows Iorek's armor is made out of Cortosis. Besides, it's his soul. You can't cut through someone's fucking sould. Wow. I actually did not mean to type "sould" there. That was a real, honest-to-god typo. Anyway, Iorek pwns everyone. No contest.

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Postby Nyarlathotep » Thu Jun 14, 2007 9:38 pm UTC

Belial wrote:
A ninja could beat Iorek because he is slow adn less able to dodge away, and his armour is ineffective agaisnt a well-placed throwing star.


The reasons nyarl stated above for why this is untrue are quite valid. let me also add: A throwing star is not going to do anything to a bear, no matter how well placed. You can shoot a grizzly (which is, for those playing at home, *smaller* than a polar bear) 5 or 6 times with a decently powered rifle and it will still charge up and murder you. A "well-placed throwing star" will be like a hangnail.


Ooh, and I just remembered - throwing stars are NOT designed to kill anyway. I've used 'em, guys. They will hurt like hell and if they do hit an artery you could, I dunno, bleed to death, but they're meant to disable and to distract. Like, while you're going, "get this freakin pointy thing outta my skin!" the ninja is probably behind you, stabbing you. Or running away (Ninjas run away. a lot. Usually to get their buddies, who are often archers or some such. I love Japanese military strategy...)

Anyway. Throwing stars are designed to annoy humans. They will not kill humans in most cases. They will not even get through the fur of an unarmored polar bear. The only chance you'd have is to hit an eye, which while it would blind Iorek, would probably only serve to make him angrier. Pretty much what you would have is, "Oh, something stuck in my fur. *pwn*"
But any intelligent ninja would have run by now.

Belial has a good point about the lightsabres. I still think if the Jedi were using force powers the fight could go either way - again, agility would be a huge advantage here, because whilst Iorek is like a damn freight train, it's probably easy to get out of the way of said train if you can jump thirty feet in the air on a whim. Then it's a matter of endurance (how long the jedi can keep dodging vs how long Iorek can resist a barrage of searing lightsaber strikes)

Hm. Dinobot... ok, now we're getting into named characters. Dinobot vs Iorek, I still give it to Iorek, but transmetal dinobot... that might be an even match. Thing you have to realize about Iorek is that as a polar bear his endurance is -ridiculous-. As Belial said - grizzlies, which are smaller, can take several shots from a rifle and still survive.

... Honestly... I think Dinobot and Iorek would fight in honourable combat for a while, not kill each other, and just end up sitting around doing whatever warrior types do when not fighting.

Now the question is, could Dinobot, Iorek Byronson, and MacGuyver hold the (fictional) Thermopolye? I think they could. Forget 300, we've got 3. And they'd probably survive and decimate Fictional!(Goa'uld?)!Xerxes' army.
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Postby Fat Zombie » Thu Jun 14, 2007 9:45 pm UTC

Ahem.

*unholsters Rocket-Propelled Chainsaw Launcher*

...You were saying?

EDIT: Here's a picture!

Image

(Unfortunately, I don't know who originally posted this. It's been around the internet so long, I think, and no-one's claimed it as their own. Still, awesome idea)
Last edited by Fat Zombie on Thu Jun 14, 2007 10:01 pm UTC, edited 1 time in total.
...And before you ask: yes, I do like to listen to myself talk!

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Alcari
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Postby Alcari » Thu Jun 14, 2007 9:57 pm UTC

Nyarlathotep wrote:Now the question is, could Dinobot, Iorek Byronson, and MacGuyver hold the (fictional) Thermopolye? I think they could. Forget 300, we've got 3. And they'd probably survive and decimate Fictional!(Goa'uld?)!Xerxes' army.


HA, not only could they do it, they wouldn't even break a sweat.
Here's what they could do, though there are a million other options.

1 - Iorek just charges into the hordes of persians and starts killing them left and right, he could keep that up for days and days, by which the rest of the plan has allready taken care of the persians

2 - Dinobot colapses part of the pass with his melee weapons and provides covering fire to kill everything scary, such as big ass-monsters with blades for arms.

3 - Macguyver scrounges up armor and magic from the persians and tech from dinobot to build a massive bomb.

4 - Iorek places bomb in the middle of persian army.

5 - Stand back and dodge the falling persian corpses.
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